Hi everyone,
Well you've probably been wondering what I've been up to... Here is the latest... I've moved to a New Blog
I hope Opera is more relaible than Blogger/Google and WordPress which I also tried, but also has problems..
I'm going to keep all my existing blogs and posts on Blooger.. so if you have links to them... they will be OK..
See ya on the "other" site..
John
Other than this, my personal Blog “Saysame,” I will not be adding any more posts to any of my “other” Blogs. The original intent and purpose of those Blogs was to present and document the unloving denials present in our society and so show how the different religions, governments, organizations, customs and traditions are all related and how the truth is distorted, manipulated and controlled by denial, omission, or in stating part truths meant to confuse and deceive. In all our history, nothing has really changed except the form of the experiences and no real healing or true understanding can take place as long as these conditions, fueled by unlovingness and old imprints, programs and beliefs are present.
What is happening globally now is merely the lull before the storm, a momentary pause in the on-going and escalating hatred and violence, creating the illusion of a possible peace, but that is only a façade. Rest assured that each side with its religion, government and its social structure and order is silently preparing for either a new offensive or defensive maneuver. Nothing has changed except, as mentioned, the “form” of the experience and now a "new" element will be brought into the conflicts to create the appearance that this is a new and different problem and issue and so the cycle continues, going around and around as it also escalates.
The coming times and Earth changes will not be easy as it will bring a total breakdown of society as we presently know it. These changes will not be affecting some other person or people in another part of the world, but will be happening on our personal doorstep where it can’t be denied unless denial is still your intent.
In the next few years everyone will be facing their denials and will be making life and death choices that will have far reaching consequences; more than just our present physical survival, but the survival of our very Spiritual essence. For Humanity to survive, we need to change within, before we can change the without. We need to let go of all our old imprints, programs and beliefs that keep us in this never ending cycle of unlovingness, suffering and death created by denial, guilt and shame that we have been struggling to change and call life. We can’t change it. IT is what it is…. until IT wants to change. What we need to do is to let it go from within us and to allow it to find it’s right place. Those that desire and choose to continue to follow IT need to be allowed to do so to also find their right place.
John
’06 Dec 27 Thursday 2:17 am
Well I went in to work yesterday and was surprised to see the new schedule didn’t include me. I say it was a surprise as for the past few weeks I’ve heard from various staff members that I was going to be one of two part timers that would be kept on in the New Year. Last weekend, the manager, had mentioned to me in passing that she wanted to see me but never did. I feel that part of the reason for letting me go is that she can control and intimidate the girls who need a job, but she can’t do that with me. I can’t say that I’m not disappointed as I would have liked to work a couple of days a week, but at the same time, I now have all the free time I need to spend on writing my books and getting them published…
’06 Dec 29 Friday Tying up loose ends.
Today I downloaded or rather cut and pasted, all 247 All-Experts questions and answers for the year. I also cut and pasted my BLOG posts, pictures and links. I did a lot of posting to the web this year as my personal Blog had 157 “word doc.” pages not including my other five Blogs that I didn’t copy for now. I haven’t been really been working on, or writing my book and now I can see why, but all this is also has a purpose.
’06 Dec 31 3:29 am
Yesterday was my second last day at work and it was a strange feeling as I felt ostracized by the staff. I felt like a stranger in a strange land and the people that had been friendly and chatty were now cool, aloof and detached. The two part time girls that were being kept on also felt “snooty” today and pushed their positions over the other girl and I that were being laid off. I felt that they felt that were some how better that us as they were “chosen” to stay on and we weren’t. Any disagreement with their demands brought sarcasm and innuendos that I wasn’t being nice to them because I was leaving. That I should somehow listen to and obey their commands and do the work that was part of their job, but that they now felt they could get us to do. I expressed myself and didn’t take any of their “polite” bull shit.
These two women are both what I call “yes” women and I feel are trying to work their way up the so-called corporate ladder of this company. I don’t see any opportunity for any “worker” to get into any position of real authority and financial position as it’s all controlled from outside the box of the retail store. The district manager, I assume, reports to corporate head office but I don’t see him as anything other than a glorified office manager going between different store managers in his district. He may be “above” the store manager, but he’s still an employee and as such, has a long way to go before he can have any direct say in company affairs and direction.
These are all “wanna be’s” that will sell their soul to try to “make it” and to have the life of their lost hopes, dreams and desires, that they feel that position, money (power) will bring. The other people that are working there are those that “need” a job or can’t find anything else right now or are too afraid to start over and will take the shit and abuse and the pittance of a pay cheque as it’s better than nothing. These are the people that are giving up their power to those that desire it.
4:02 am It’s the old chain of command syndrome, it was that way with all the other jobs I had. I felt I had to work my way up the chain of command or corporate ladder to an imaginary place of power so that I could get what I wanted and I’d be happy. But that was all an illusion because unless one had a major financial interest in the company, no matter what your corporate position, you were only a figure head for the owner or shareholders. These were the ones that had financial interests in the company and it was they that pulled the strings and could change the position and status of any employee within the company.
That’s the way it is in the old world of dog eat dog and survival of the fittest, who can claw their way up this illusionary ladder of power on the backs of others who are considered “meek” and are “outside” this so-called “inner circle” of wanna be’s in power.
4:44 a.m. All this leads back to my childhood and in wanting to get bigger, stronger and older so that I could “grow up” and be able to do what I was told would give me happiness, as what I experienced didn’t being me happiness, not because it couldn’t, but that what is actually coming at me in my experiences was unloving. Unloving authority figures that would have me believe that I were wrong or inadequate because of some physical, mental or emotional deficit and that if I learned, obeyed, played the game, that I would be able to meet the standards and expectations that this unloving authority figure and society has on what it takes to not only be happy, but also worthy and acceptable.
But, as we learn and grow older, we then get caught in this “corporate ladder” game where it’s still basically the same stuff that we lack as when we were a child, it’s just that now it has taken on a different form and we don’t recognize it for what it really is.
5:03 a.m. I just realized that when I dropped into the store on Friday to pick up a few items, I saw the manager just as she was leaving the store. She said hi, but it felt cool and distant. I just realized that if she had sat down with me and spoke the truth as to why she was letting me go, she’d also have to admit to the reality of the “game” she was playing, but denying she was playing. My speaking up and challenging her so-called authority and corporate policy and procedures was reflecting her denied issues. If she was going to use the so-called “game” against me, she knew that I would challenge any BS she would try to use against me and that if she was going to be “real,” she would have to admit (accept) them for what they really were, but in doing that, it would also uncover and expose her own denials. So to keep the lid on everything, it was just easier to quietly let me go and not stir up the underlying issues and to do that, she had to avoid contact with me and if there was, to say as little as possible.
It’s the same with the rest of the women because if they were to voice their true feelings about the reasons for my leaving, then that would also expose the feelings that are denying by staying and keeping their mouth shut and doing what they are told and expected to do.
They are not shunning or ostracizing me, but are in reality. afraid of me, or rather afraid of what I’m reflecting to them and of ending their denials and what that would mean. What I say and do that they would like to say and do but can’t, out of fear of losing their jobs and of what others would think of them.
2006 Dec 31 Sunday
Sunday, my last day at work and also the last day of the year. It was a different day as now I felt empowered. I had fun and so did some of the customers I served. I also had fun with a couple of co-workers and the supervisor. By fun, I mean I enjoyed myself and was real at the same time. The two part-timers I mentioned before were also working and it was interesting to still see what I called their “Queen B” attitude get even bigger I commented on it and it was also picked up by the other co-workers who were also starting to be intimidated by them. The supervisor also became aware of the power plays going on and made moves to stop it without actually confronting the Queens B’s. It will be interesting to see how it plays out in the coming days and weeks as the Queens will be back to being at the bottom of the so-called ladder.
JR
2006 Dec 21 Thursday 10:39 pm
It’s interesting to see how women in a group are really no different than men in a similar setting. Women have a different form and way of expressing themselves but underneath the so-called feminine mystique lies the same what I call red neck mentality.
Red neck women may say they are looking for love but what they are really looking for is a man to get laid and to take care of them and to treat them in the way that they want to be treated, that they consider to be loving and caring and respectful, yadda yadda yadda. If they don’t get that, then they blame the man and they moan and bitch like men do when a woman doesn’t meet their expectations. Money is also a big issue as in both cases as it’s deemed as the source of happiness.
Today I was called away from cash to the warehouse and when I got there one woman had on a pair of men’s underwear (boxer briefs) over top of her jeans. She had something stuffed in them to suggest a penis and was making suggestive and derogatory comments to me. Another woman had a pair on her head and was wearing them like a hat. The three or four other women weren’t wearing any men’s underwear but were all were giggling and laughing and trying to get a rise out of me. They were also suggestive and poking fun at me in a suggestive and obscene manner.
I’m the only man working with fourteen women and if this were to happen to a woman in an all male workplace, there would be sexual harassment charges and heads would roll. I wasn’t offended by their actions but I was mildly shocked, no, I’d say more surprised yet at the same time fascinated by their uncharacteristic mannerisms and the things they were saying as it was something that I’ve never experienced before. This was all “back room” stuff that would never be played out in public and I doubt that it would even be privately expressed in front of their spouses or loved ones, yet here they were, singling me out and having “fun” and a “good time” expressing their sexual denials with a male stranger.
I also found it interesting 
that here were the very same so-called “Christian” women,that were also giving me a hard time with not getting into the Christmas spirit and its religious implications, but were now acting the opposite of the god loving Christians they were earlier professing to be. They use their religious beliefs as a pious and righteous shield to portray the image of what they want others to think they are so that they wouldn’t see them for what they really are, liars, hypocrites and rednecks.
As I made my way back to the front of the store a couple of women that weren’t in the warehouse asked me what they wanted with me and I told them what happened. They were shocked, but I never heard any confrontation between those that took part in the hazing and those that didn’t. It all seems to have been slid under the carpet as if it never happened.
Things that make you go Hummmm!
JR
’06 Dec 18 Sunday 6:30 p.m.
I opened doors to the store at noon and dozens of people came streaming in, I’d say there were a good 50 – 60 in the first couple of minutes. I was on cash but I had forgotten my water bottle so I went back to the lunchroom to get it. On my way to the back, a man stopped me and asked, “You don’t have Interac here yet do you? (I picked up on the key word yet as that implied that he knew we didn’t have it)
I replied, “No, but they’re thinking about it and we’ll probably be getting it soon.”
He said, “You know you’re losing a lot of business because you don’t have it.”
I replied, “We may lose a couple of sales a day, but a lot of people simply go the variety store in the plaza and get cash.”
He was momentarily silent so I started to turn and walk toward the back to get my water. As I turned, he replied in a sarcastic tone, “well you got to get with the times or you’ll be out of business.”
I had just did a lot of internet research on Dollarama and so I turned and replied, “I doubt that. Dollarama has 40% of the market share and is growing every year doing what they are doing without interact. Besides, I have nothing personally to do with whether they get Interac or not.”
He came back with, “people are used to shopping with Interac and so you should have it.”
I said, “Yes, they may be used to Interac, but like I said, most of the people that come to Dollarama know it’s a “cash only” store… like you.” You’re not here because there’s Interac, you’re here for the products and you’ve come with cash in your pocket knowing that there is no Interac.”
Well that set him off and he hissed, “Is that the way you talk to and treat your customers, The manager will hear about this?”
I asked, “What did I say that wasn’t the truth and offended you?”
He snarled, “You have an attitude, and the manager should know about you and how you treat the customers.”
I felt his anger and his intimidating and threatening presence as I calmly asked him, “Would you like to speak to the manager, I can get her for you.”
He turned as if to leave, but then turned again and hissed.” Yes, I’m sure she would like to hear how you treat the customers.”
I had seen the manager a few moments earlier in her office so I went back and knocked on the office door. There was no answer and no one else around so I figured that she was either counting money, on the phone, somewhere in the store, or as I later found out, she had left already the store.
I went back out and told the customer what I just wrote and he immediately began arguing and trying to intimidate and belittle me by stating that I had no right to talk to him like that and that’s no way to talk to a customer and…. that the customer is always right.”
I nodded my head in the affirmative and replied, “OK… you’re right.”
He kept on talking, going in circles and finally I said, almost shouting, “you’re right” six times in a row before he finally heard me, blinked his eyes a few times and shut up.
I stated,”if that’s all that you want to hear, is me saying that you’re right, then so be it…. you’re right. You can see and talk to the manager whenever you want about my attitude but I have a job to do and I’m going to do it, so excuse me.
I left him near the back warehouse door speechless, as I turned and walked up the Xmas isle and to the cash registers. A Key holder, supervisor, was in the cashier area and I briefly told her about the incident but we were getting busy and I left it at that. I never did see him again, or hear that he called the office.
That was the last issue or problem that I had with customers for the rest of the day… Except when I was asked to tell a couple that dogs weren’t allowed in the store, but that wasn’t an issue or a problem. I spoke to them and the man that was holding the puppy in his arms; shook his head in agreement when I mentioned the food and he quietly left the store and sat in the lobby with the pup in his arms while the woman finished shopping…
Things just seem to keep happening to me and it's good...
JR
’06 Dec 17 Saturday
Customer with issues of waiting and being organized
The store was busy but not rushed. The store has two cash out lines with two cashiers in each line. Janet was alone on her side and had 3 or 4 customers in her line while I and another cashier had the majority of the customers in our line. I wasn’t aware of the details as they were happening but I got the details after it was all over.
The newer girl on cash had either forgotten, or was never told that she wasn’t supposed to leave her register to go on break until a replacement had arrived if she had a line. It was time for her break and she had just served a customer and then, without previously informing the remaining customers that she was closing, she simply put up her closed sign and asked the customers to go to the next line. Well there was a guy that was third in her line that was annoyed by her actions and started to complain in a loud voice as he moved to join my line. Our line was moving fast as most of the purchases were small numbers and he was at my register in a matter of a couple of minutes but was still complaining and tearing a strip off of her and the store that they should get more organized, yadda, yadda, yadda. The supervisor was there and tried to calm him to no avail. I said nothing as I basically agreed with him. I just let him yak away as I served him and his son and then he left the store, still nattering and cussing.
A few moments later he comes storming back in and comes up to me, demanding that I give him his sunglasses.
Confused, I asked, “What sun glasses?”
He hissed, “The ones left on the counter when I left.”
I said, “There was nothing on the counter when you left. It’s a small counter and I would have noticed them.”
He shouted, “Either you or a customer took them as my son said that they were on the counter.”
I quietly replied,” What would I be doing with a pair of sun glasses, I couldn’t wear them as I have glasses.”
He snarled,” don’t get smart with me, look under you counter and see if they are there,” as he leaned over to see what was behind the counter.
I said, “why should I, no one has been at my register since you left and there’s nothing on the floor as you can see and I’m not going to pretend to look for them to make you happy because I know I didn’t take them and I didn’t even see them. You left them somewhere else, not here.”
He was furious and as he began to leave he shouted “You got to get organized” and then uttered some seasonal profanity that I couldn’t really make out as he stormed out the door.
I raised my left hand and calmly raised my voice enough so that he would hear me and said, ”back at you, I don’t accept it,” and calmly turned to serve the next customer.
The customers were basically silent as they didn’t know what went on before, except for the woman that I was now serving when he interrupted us. The other cashiers and the supervisor were amazed at how I talked to him and never lost my cool, although they said they wanted to tell the guy where to go. I replied that he wasn’t mad at me during the first episode so his actions didn’t activate me and when he came back in about the sunglasses, I simply stood my ground and spoke the truth. I knew he was activated, but at nothing that I did, only by what he thought I did, and I knew the difference.
JR
2006 Dec 16 Friday 2:19 am
Dollarama, not what it appears to be
I notice today that my throat is getting sore and now I’m having difficulty in swallowing (not expressing myself) and that both of my kidneys are also sore as is my lower back. I feel that I’ve been mentally driving my body these past few weeks, not taking a break when I’m tired, and only getting one break in a full day, besides a half hour for lunch. I’ve been forcing myself to do what the company wants and that is to keep the customers happy by cashing them out with their goodies and taking their money as quickly as possible.
I did some searching on the internet these past few days and it turns out that Dollarama, the company that I’m presently working for, was started by a Canadian, Mr. Rossy in 1992 who developed it into a successful family run operation with several hundred stores. In 2004, he sold an 80% share to Bain Capital, a USA venture capital corporation, for $1.03 Billion dollars. It turns out that the Bain Corp owns also has interest in 230 companies around the world and is worth billions of dollars. Dollarama made $750 million in sales last year from some 400 stores. They are planning to open another 50 stores this fiscal year. Dollarama has 40% of the dollar store market share and is growing every year. More than 50% of the company products come from China and the rest are from third world companies or from leveraged sales or private labels. The average store size is approximately 9000 sq. feet. It costs just over $500,000.00 to equip and stock a store and the return on investment is 14 months… If that’s not making money…. nothing is.
This is now a “Global Company,” part of the global conspiracy to manipulate and eventually control the retail markets in every sector that affects the public. From Dollarama to Staples, to Dunkin Donuts to clothes, finance, music, entertainment and even sports and their recent attempt to purchase the entire NHL (National Hockey League) franchise… Anything that the consumer needs in the way of food, shelter, clothing and even entertainment is what they’re gobbling up. Buying out and taking over successful companies with the intent to eventually cut off any free enterprise so that eventually, only the BIG boys will be left to control the masses.
I was totally fooled by Dollarama’s humble and modest appearance and manner of business with a “cash only” policy and with no product priced over $1.00 with some being sold for less. I knew they had a few stores but didn’t know that there are over 400 stores, employing thousands of hourly paid minimum wage employees, forced to work floating hours and shifts. If they are lucky enough to be considered regular staff, they are guaranteed 25 hours a week. The shifts and breaks are so scheduled that an employee gets only one 15 minute break in a nine hour day. Employees are also expected to arrive 10 minutes early and to leave 10 minutes late without compensation. There is also no employee medical, dental or insurance coverage. On the other end of the scale, several of the company officers are pulling in six figure salaries and bonuses.
The Bain Company and its shareholders and those at the top of the “food chain” are making money off of both the cheap labour in foreign countries and also by paying minimum wages and benefits to employees in this country. The only people that are benefiting are those at the top of Company “food chain” and the consumers, who for now are getting a good deal for their buck, and are flocking in to save money. While they are saving money in the short term, in the long run they will lose out when all of Dollarama competitors have been forced out of business and prices begin to go up as in the case of Wall-Mart.
I’m including a few links to sites that I’ve found. Oddly enough, or not so, there is an “official Dollarama” website, but it’s not functioning per say.
Things that make you go Hummmm?
JR
Links:
Dollarama in the News Updated Wed. Mar. 6 2002 7:24 PM ET
Dollarama 2006
Dollarama CNW Group
Dollarama and dollar stores in Canada
Bain Capital
Bain and Company
Bain Partners
More Bain Partners
’06 Dec 13 Wednesday 11:20 pm
Today I got called into the office and was talked to about my dealings with a customer. When I spoke with the manager, I explained myself and defended my position. What had happened was that woman with the baby had taken her items out of her cart while I was waiting on a customer and had put them on the next empty counter to me. That she then took the baby out of the cart and moved the cart away and then came to my counter. I now had to walk over to the counter beside me, pick up the products, walk back to my register, pack it and enter it in the register and then repeat the process several times as she had 20 – 30 items. At the same time she was also saying that she didn’t want this or that item that I had already placed in the bag and entered as a sale. Added to that, there was a line up and I felt pressured to get her out of the line and out of the store.
I originally commented on her about placing the order on the other counter and she said that she thought that was my counter and that she was just saving time. I said that if that was “my” counter, then I would have been serving the other customers from there and it wouldn’t have been empty. She didn't like that and took offence. I was also frustrated with her changing her mind on her purchases after the fact. She asked if the manager was in and I replied twice that she was and asked her if she wanted to talk to her and both times she said no, but later she phoned the store and commented on my behavior.
Later I reflected on the experience and I realized that I was angry at myself for denying expressing myself with a couple of previous customers that had put their merchandise on the empty counter and that I had to retrieve, but said nothing. I realized that I took out my denied anger on a woman with a baby who happened to had also put her merchandise on the empty counter. Although there was an issue with the woman, she was not the cause of my denied anger.
Now I was faced with having to either deny expressing that I was wrong and had treated the woman unloving, or express the truth of what really happened and not defend and justify my actions. On my break, I went back to the office and apologized, stating that I was wrong to take my anger out on the woman as I had denied expressing myself with the other customers. While I felt that this part of the experience/lesson was over, I also felt there was more.
Tonight I was trying to feel what else I was missing and what I got was that I needed to realize and admit that I was wrong and that that was part of false pride and admitting my mistakes. I was also thinking of how some people are so asleep and then there are others who don’t give a shit. There were at least four occasions where I had to warn my customer not to turn and walk away as a person had just pushed a shopping cart behind them, literally inches from their body. Then there were also a couple of customers that took it upon themselves to not only move the carts, but to also organize them. But the majority just pushed their carts in the general direction of where they were supposed to be parked as they walked out the door, or they would just leave their cart where it was and make their way out of the store.
I’m thinking that I have judgments on these people and that I have to let them be what they are, but the question is how do I do that without being in denial? I guess that if I felt they were somehow attacking me personally then I need to express that. If they are simply reflecting my judgments, than I need to be aware of them and then let them go by allowing them to be and do what my judgments say they are doing and see where that leads.
Ahhhhh! I’m still trying to protect. I’m trying to protect the other customers and what they are thinking; that they are also being inconvenienced by whatever this customer is or is not doing. These are also times when I’m picking up on other people’s feelings and judgments and I’m re-acting to them thinking they are mine. I have to also let these other customers deal with their issues and not try to make the situation better for them.
People are also confused and part of my issues is still trying to lift them out of their confusion. Others are deliberately trying to confuse me and that also bugs me as I can feel them pulling on me trying to distract me. What I need to do here is to ask questions like. What is your intent? What do you want? What are you trying to get me to do?
JR
2006 Dec 12
Marian is in pain. Her lower back is affected so that she can hardly walk. A month or so ago, she got a needle in her back that gave her temporary relief. As a result of the false cure that just numbed the pain and her belief that she was cured she went out and proceeded to push her body to do all the things that she couldn’t do when she was in pain. Now she’s back to square one and wondering why.
She’s supposed to be going to see an acupuncturist tomorrow and if she feels better after the treatment, you can bet your bottom dollar that she’ll be running around town doing whatever, until she can’t again…
On another topic, I have often felt that when she asks me what I’m having for supper, that what she wants is for me to ask her what she is having or to offer to make supper for her, but I’m not biting. I ask her if that is her intent and she denies it and so I let it go. But I can later feel that she was lying, but that by her denial, she got caught in her lie and the only way out of it was to tell the truth, and that’s something she’s not prepared to do at this moment.
On Sunday I was making wings and chips and I asked her if she wanted some. I don’t mind making a meal for another, but I’m not going to take care of her just because she doesn’t want to take care of herself and insists on abusing herself to no end. I feel that when she can’t abuse herself anymore, that she then tries to find someone (in this case me) that will compensate for what she can’t do for herself. If she can’t use her body to get and do what she wants, then she uses someone else to get what her mind wants.
JR
I was working Sunday and when the store opened at noon I could feel a shift in energy as the people that were shopping were not only angry, but were denying it. They were also sad, blank and not only looked , but also felt lost... They made their purchases either without saying a word or or they muttered something under their breath... I don't know it had anything to do with Jupiter, Mars and Mercury being in alignment for the past couple of days or what but it was not only felt by me , but also by other cashiers...
Since mid-November I've been feeling that we're in the lull before the storm and that all "hell is about to break loose." I don't know any more details but I definitely feel that something is in the air and that the shit is going to start hitting the fan in 2007....
Off topic... I switched to the "New Blogger" a couple of days ago. >>> DON'T DO IT!!! <<<< This one has more toys, but toys that don't work are junk... It really tics me off when plain text can't be posted as there seems to be no "word wrap" function and I have to use an external text pad to write my posts... It also tics me off that I can't go back to the old blogger... Why push and advertise something that doesn't work...
JR
PS: I dropped in at the local Dollar store and Kim asked me what's going on as people were really miserable and angry on the weekend. She said that she felt bad vibes from nearly all her
customers.. I shared what I wrote above...
Hi everyone,
Well today was interesting to say the least. I was called in to work early, so when I got there were 5 or 6 gals in the lunch room talking gal stuff and about the pot luck that we were having today. The mood was light, lively and jokey, so I decided to tell a short joke. While it appeared to be leading to something sexual, the punch line took you in a completely different and clean direction. But as I was delivering the punch line which was "I need a bike" my upper dentures literally flew out of my mouth as if I had sneezed. I caught them in mid-air, turned my back to the gals and had them back in my mouth and was turned back to face the gals before they even blinked. 
I was shocked but at the same time I wasn't I was more surprised if that makes sense. The gals were shocked and then burst into laughter that lasted for minutes. They were holding their sides wile other had tears in their eyes. I was laughing also and still am.
Afterwards I was trying to figure out what really happened as the words,"I need a bike" don't put any pressure on your dentures in a manner that would cause them to be expelled as they were. . I could see them coming loose and dropping, but still in my mouth. not flying 10 to 15 feet across the room which is where they would have been had I not caught them.
This is also the first time in my life that this has happened to me. All my life I've been self conscious and careful not to have this happen in public as I felt I would die of shame and embarrassment, but now that it has, while it surprised me, I wasn't overcome with shame. Even afterwards, when that gals would talk to me and smile and giggle, I'd smile and laugh with them as it was funny.
A few minutes after the incident and during all the laughing, I said that now that you know that I wear dentures, you might as well know the colour of my under wear and I turned and pretended to undo my belt. That even brought more laughter.
Another "secret" and fear reveled and my world didn't come tumbling down..
JR
'06 Dec 07 Yesterday I denied myself. I was at work and my break was at 2:15 pm I had noticed earlier that I was the first to go on my break and that it was important to go on time as that would put everyone else off as we all went in a specific order. I had just finished cashing out a customer and was putting the money in the till and I looked up and saw that it was 10 seconds to 2:15. I reached for my closed sign as a man was putting a couple more items on the counter. It was a couple with a cart full of stuff and I told the man that I was closed. He barked at me, "Now you tell me when I have half the stuff on the counter." I looked at the cart and he had at least 40 items and only 6 or 7 on the counter. I looked at the cashier next to me and saw that she was almost finished serving her customer and then I looked at the clock to see if I had seen it correctly, which I had. To avoid an argument.... I said Ok and began to check his order.
It turned out that they also had several breakable items that I had to wrap in paper and that also took more time. He also commented on the price of an item and I said I know, but when he repeated it a second time, and I snapped back with I already told you I'm aware of the price, why are you telling me again? How many more times are you going to tell me? He remarked that I was getting a little testy and moody. I said nothing as I just wanted to get the fucker away from me.
With the last items on the counter he said, "now you can put your sign up." I said, "why are you telling me what to do, besides there's no room on the counter and with the two of you and the cart blocking half the isle, no one is going to see it until the two of you move out of here." He mumbled something under his breath as I totaled his order and waited for him to pay me. I gave him his change as I flipped up my closed sign with a snap. I looked at the clock and I was 6 minutes late for my break. 
I realized later that I could have merely said that I'm closed and when he bitched about his stuff on my counter and I had already looked at the next cashier and saw that she was nearly finished with her customer, I could have lifted his stuff off my counter and put it on hers and been gone. If he still wanted to bitch, I could have asked him if he wanted to speak to the manager and still have been gone and not in denial. But instead, I put his needs ahead of mind and what was reflected to me, my unlovingness to myself....
I also realized that I did it because I felt guilty that I didn't have my sign up before he started to put their things on my counter... That's also why he commented on me putting up the sign... Like I mentioned earlier, I also did it to avoid an argument as he sounded and felt pissed off and that was also an issue for me as it took me by surprise and confused and activated me.
Now I'll be given a different expereince and another opportunity to see if I'll re-act to the situation in denial or if I will respond with self love...
JR
’06 Dec 05 Tuesday 4:30 am Yesterday at work I was serving a couple of women when I was suddenly overcome by the smell of smoke, stale cigarette smoke. It was intense to the point that I was becoming nauseous and disoriented and I had to steady myself. I turned to the door for fresh air while trying to check out their order, all the while, expressing what I was smelling and how it was physically affecting me. The two women pretended that it wasn’t them and I wasn’t sure it was them; just that it was someone around me. The cashier next to me looked concerned and later told me that she thought I was going to pass out. 
The other people in line also looked at me with concern as they knew I wasn’t faking it. The two women had separate orders and as I gave the last woman her change I was again overcome and had to stop and grab the counter to support myself. I turned to the door as I felt fresh air coning in and I was again able to clear my head long enough to re-count the change and pack up their bags.
They no sooner left the store that I was able to breathe freely again and the people in line also noticed that I was now OK and as they came up to me they commented on it, saying that they saw me going through a rough time and were glad that I was now OK.
A few minutes later I served a older woman and this time I was overcome with the smell of perfume to the point that I was literally gagging and retching but not vomiting. I instantly broke out in a hot sweat and again I turned to the door for fresh air. This time Sherry, the cashier next to me was also aware of the odor of perfume and also commented on it.
In both case, with the cigarettes smoke and the perfume, I didn’t mention that it was the person I was serving, but that it was someone around me that I was smelling. The woman I was serving felt it was her and said defensively that she didn’t have much on and that I shouldn’t be working in a place serving the public if I was that sensitive to smells and fragrances. I replied that it wouldn’t matter if I was working or standing in line, the effect would be the same. I also said that just because people want to wear a lot of smelly toxic perfume that doesn’t mean that I have to be silent and pretend that it doesn’t bother me when it does. I’m going to express what it is doing to me and if they don’t like me expressing myself, that’s their problem. The woman was silent. I gave the woman her change and again within seconds of her leaving the store, I was fine, as if it never happened. That was the only two experiences I had for the rest of the day and the first since I started working. 
I had another incident that I’d like to share. There were three cashiers on duty and two customer lines. When I finished with my last customer, I looked around to the line at the two cashiers behind me and I saw that a black lady was “next” in line. I made eye contact and asked her over to my counter. As she made her way toward me I turned around to see a white woman coming toward me to purchase her products. I put my hand out and told the white woman that I had called this lady from the other line and that I’d cash her out first. The wite woman was OK with that but the black woman looked at the white woman and saw that she only had three items and so she told the white woman to go head of her. I cashed her out quickly and then the black woman put her stuff on the counter and said, "thank you, I appreciate that” I said nothing but nodded my head as I was concentrating on her purchases. As she was leaving, she stopped at the door and turned and again said, “thank you, I appreciated that.” I smiled and at the same time I could feel her almost break into tears and my eyes also welled up. She turned and walked out of the store. It was sad as I also realised that while I didn't deny her, she still denied herself and put another person ahead of her... but that was her choice in that moment.
Today I go to post this to my blog and I find the following headline... Stop discriminating by race Things that make yo go Hummmmm?
JR
’06 Nov 30 9:30 pm Hot Stone Therapy
Today I went for hot stone therapy/massage. I arrived at 2 pm and we talked for a good 3/4 hour before the treatment. She played her guitar and sang a couple of songs and I commented on how she reminded me of Janis Joplin but didn’t know if she was a fragment or that she had a connection to her. She told me to look on the wall in the hallway and there was a picture of Janis. When I felt her connection to Janis I felt it as a woman in pain and unable to deal with her REAL emotions but instead talks and sings about her false emotions and puts them to music. She expresses her denials and the false emotions of heartbreak and loss but doesn’t go deep to find and heal the real ones.
From our conversation, I found that she’s basically a Melchizedek Ascensionists, talking about how beautiful spiritual life is and how she can’t wait to ascend, yet at the same time talking about fighting and changing the system to make the world a better place. 
The stone therapy was a pleasant “new” experience with having hot oily stones move across your back and massaged into your muscles. At one point my body was just beginning to respond as it began to twitch and I could feel movement but she stopped and had me change position and that stopped that. A few other times I felt emotions of heartbreak surface but they disappeared as quickly as they surfaced and were gone in a flash. Other times I had flash backs to being physically abused by my mother or by bullies. 
We talked for about ten minutes after the treatment and she was activated into issues with her son. She blamed children’s aid for taking her son away from her when she was a drug addict. Now she’s on a crusade to fight children’s aid and to help other mothers who have drug issues and in having them keep their children. With all this going on she was also saying that this experience of her losing her son was the best thing that could have happened for her and her son. I began to point out that her stories were conflicting because if it was a good experience for her it also has to be a good experience for other women that she is trying to save. I agreed with her that taking her son away from her was the best thing as she was in no shape to take care of herself, let alone a newborn child. I also mentioned that as a drug addict, she had issues she didn’t want to face and that she hasn’t dealt with her real issues as to why she turned to drugs.
She began to get defensive when I challenged her reasoning and beliefs and didn’t want to hear my point of view. She then basically showed me the door. I knew she was activated but didn’t want to go there even though she pretends that everything is fine and in divine order. Although she doesn’t do drugs, she still smokes cigarettes. She had one before our session and I saw two in her had as I was leaving.
I called Irene this morning and she sounded rough when she answered the phone. I asked her how she was and she said that she had bronchial pneumonia. I told her that she was in no shape to chat, and that I’ll call her later. I also said I love you sis before I hung up, she also said I love you bro. I called Jen, but there was no answer so I left a brief message regarding Irene’s condition.
’06 Dec 01 Today I stopped in at the local Dollar store and talked to Kim and Doug. I chatted with Kim a bit and then went shopping. I popped in on my way back as Kim was waving for me to come in. We didn’t chat long but I tell her (in a jokey manner) that we couldn’t go on meeting like this and I gave her my phone number.
JR
’06 Nov 17 11:20 pm Activation: MORE STRESS; Christmas pressures
I was thinking that another reason there was stress in all departments at work was because of a Belief system, Christmas and everyone is out doing what they think is required to get ready for the holidays. They, the customers are in a panic and so that is transferred to everyone around that is associated with that belief especially in a store that sells what they want. Everyone at work is stressed with getting the products out on the shelves or pegs and also in cashing people out as quickly as possible. I’m stressed as I’ve bought into this BS Belief System and also with my issues of trying to give people what they want and to not give them stress or make them feel stressed if I have the power to give them what they want. If I give them what they want, they will also be happy and if they are happy, I’m happy. 
While this is true and applies to Xmas, I feel that this is also preparing me for other times to come where people are going to be stressed and looking for help and I know I can help them help themselves but THEIR panic is not MY panic. THEIR issues are not MY issues. THEIR beliefs are not MY beliefs and their journey or path is not my journey or path.
I need to love myself and let others deal with their stuff and issues Trying to go above and beyond is not loving to myself and is not giving myself unconditional love but Guilt, as the only reason I was pushing myself was to please others.
‘06 Nov 22 Issue; Asking for donations
When I went in to work and got to my station I was told that I had to ask people if they wanted to donate to the Salvation Army Christmas food drive. I said no, that it wasn’t my cause and that I wasn’t going to be asking people to support something that I had didn’t support. Not that I’m against the Salvation Army, but I’m not supporting a corporation or individual that feels it’s a worthy cause but instead of digging deep into their own pockets to do their good deed, they impose their will on others and get others to do the asking and the donating of time and money (energy) while they get the credit of doing a good deed along with the sale of products, as the product was not donated but sold. If the product was donated by the corporation or the person whose “cause” it was, then there would be no need to ask people to donate money to buy them.
The same woman then asked me if that also applied to me buying cookies for her daughter’s school. I said yes. She tried to guilt and shame me as she also made sure that she told every employee that came to cash that I refused to ask for donations and after the third time I got ticked and asked her how many more times do I have to say “NO” in order for her to hear me? She was quite after that. Another woman also spoke up and said that she didn’t feel good doing it either and she also refused. Since then, there are only two women, including her, that ask customers to donate. Now the box is in the lobby for those wishing to donate an item of their choice instead of being forced to donate the product item chosen by the store.
Nov 24 Friday 4:14 pm. Yesterday afternoon I spend a couple of hours at another local dollar store where I talked with Kim and Doug. I’ve stopped in there several times, even before I started working and we have been getting into deeper and deeper discussions. Today I told them of my experiences with Jen and Irene.
The temperature in the house was 18.5 C and I commented on it to Marian. Her reply was that it was warm outside (15C) so she turned the furnace off because it was still coming on. I said it was coming on because it was colder outside that inside. She argued that it was warmer outside with the sun. I shook my head and left it at that as there was no discussing her confused and fuzzy logic. Later I checked the programmable thermostat and all the settings were changed. I left them as they were.
’06 Nov 26 Sunday, A young woman had come into the store a couple of weeks ago and had given me a brochure of a man that she thought I should call. Today she came in again and offered to give me a hot stone treatment and she gave me her name and number. 
’06 Nov 26 Sunday 10:30 am Christmas Party
The Christmas staff party was held last night and we had supper at a local restaurant. It was interesting to see the dynamics between the husbands and wives and I could see how and why the women were as they were at work, that all the women were emotionally repressed and suppressed and that while they may bitch and cry, in reality, there was no real emotional movement just a repeat of the same old… just in a different form. They all are hurting, some more than others and you also have a couple of “players” or actors that only pretend to feel and express emotions. In that way they are very similar to men except that they are also beneath or lower in many ways. Men in society are the socially dominant figure and are supposed to be manly, knowing, the protector and provider, while the woman is supposed to be the weaker, less knowing, the nurturer and care giver.
’06 Nov 28 I called the young woman re: the hot stone treatment and made arrangements to see her on Thursday.
’06 Nov 14, I spoke to Jen today and she said that she and Cory were moving, that after 12 years of being in the same apartment, she was moving to a house. She talked about a book she had read and how she and Cory had made it their intent to get a house and how three days later, a house was made available to them. Although she was excited, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her as she is getting all the things she wanted (lost hopes dreams and desires) but it’s still in the old world of denial. She still feels that people, places and things will make her happy, to have what “other” people have and enjoy is a dream of hers. I also know there is an evil entity, Sasha, that fulfills ones Souls and Hearts desires and then takes both and I feel that is what is happening to Jen and Cory.
I called Irene and Dave her husband answered saying that she wasn’t feeling good because of the weather. I knew it wasn’t the weather, but I also knew that it was of no use to talk to Dave as he is set in his beliefs. Links to past posts...
fear-and-denial
fear-denial-and-activation
fear-denial-activation-and-insights
Lisa, from Spiritual awareness board hadn’t posted for a month and now she is back and I feel that she has crossed over the line and that now more than 51% of her present essence is in denial. She is contradicting stuff she wrote earlier of her experiences and is now acting as if they never happened. She has also found a man that is love (Chemical reaction in the body) at first sight.. turns out she find out that he is also married.. and no what?
Jannokes, the young gay guy is also back on Lisa's board and he and Lisa have this phony lovey dovey-ness between them. He has also slipped back into denial and he did mention me as Mr. John and referred to my last post to him and how shocked he was but didn’t say anything else other than while he was gay, he still needed a woman’s energy and that is what Lisa was providing for him. I never responded as I felt the he too had decided that denial was his choice.
JR
’06 Nov 15 Activation and Issue; Responsibility without authority. Doing a cashiers job is stressful in that you have all the responsibility for both providing a service for the customer, seeing that a product is packed properly and also responsible for collecting the money, public relations, and company image. You have all these duties and responsibilities, but no power or authority. If you make a mistake, you have to call the manager and in doing that the manager knows how many times they had to correct your mistake, even if it wasn’t yours but the customer changing their mind. You can’t fix it; you have no authority to un-do a simple key error without it coming to the awareness of the manager who has authority. Also, when you’re on cash, all the customers in the line also know that you made a mistake and the cause of them having to wait in line. If you were doing another job like stocking shelves, you could make a mistake and then correct it yourself without having to go to the manager and letting them know that you messed up.
But this is good as it’s reminding me of all the other jobs I had when I worked for a company and had similar responsibilities, but again, no authority to fix the problem. I had to obey the rules and take the abuse if I wanted to keep my job. I had to obey the rules and abuse if I wanted to have a roof over my head and food in my plate. I had to obey the rules and take the abuse if I didn’t want my family to suffer.
This also reminds me of when I was a child and my mother and how she treated us with threatening to send us to reform school or to sell us to the Indians or just abandoning us if we didn’t do as she said. She’d also comment on how each of us children were the off-spring of a different neighbour insinuating that Dad was not our real father and that we didn’t belong and that she was doing us a favor by providing a roof over our heads and food in our bellies and that we were being UNGRATEFUL in not doing what we were told. Children’s should be seen and not heard was another one of her favorite saying, meaning keep your mouth shut and do what you are told.
’06 Nov 17 Activation: Having to meet other people needs.
This morning I was feeling how I’m on call and am presently working six days a week. I felt how it’s was like when I had my own business and that just because people need my services, they need me and I have to be there for them. If I can make and keep them happy, they will be happy with me and if they are happy, I will be happy, or so I believed.
It’s not just my old business, but again my mother and father. If I had chores to do I had to have them done no matter what because if I didn’t, I’d get hell and be punished. Chores equal work - Work equals chores. Even if they weren’t my chores but one of my brothers or sisters, I had to cover for them because they were sick or whatever. My co-workers are like my brothers and sisters. 
I speak my mind with customers if I feel they are playing games as I call it or pushing their unloving energy on me. I had a woman take her two year old out of the shopping cart and put him on the presently empty counter and Cash register next to me. When I finished serving the woman in front of her, she began to unload her cart leaving her child unattended on the counter and he was beginning to move all over the place. I motioned with my hand for her to take the child off the counter. She grabbed the child and put him on the floor and I could feel that she was ticked off with me. She then asked if we had more Santa Clause pins as she had picked up the last two in the box next to my register and asked me to check the other registers to see if there were more or if there was more in the back that I could get. I said that I didn’t know and that if she wanted to finish her shopping by stepping out of line, she could check them herself and she could ask one of the isle girls for help as I don’t have the time and it’s not my job.
That ticked her off even more and now her child started acting up. She glared at me and said “No, I don’t need it!” I looked her in the eye and asked, ”then why did you ask me? She didn’t say a word as she placed the rest of her order on the counter while also struggling to control her child that was now getting in other peoples way and also playing with the automatic doors. She paid for her stuff and left in a huff. I looked up to see who was next and I could see that the people in line were smiling and they could see that I wasn’t going to be controlled by the woman and I knew they knew I knew what I did and why.
I also made it a point that if I was returning to cash, that I would pick out the “next” person in line and make direct eye contact and that I would serve them first, even if others tried to butt in… No one would argue with me and most customers that were actually waiting in line smiled when I did that and formed a queue to my register. There were other similar circumstances, but I’m not going to go into them and no one to my knowledge has said anything to management about my interactions and there were times when management was aware of my dealings with specific customers and agreed with my handling of the situation.
JR
’06 Nov 30 Activation and Issue: Picking on people in a “jokey” manner
A couple of days ago the manager said something to the effect that if I did something to tic her off today that she would kick my ass. I didn’t respond in the moment as were both busy and going in opposite directions. Later I confronted her and asked her what she meant and she said that she was only joking with me and that she didn’t mean anything buy it. That’s an issue I have where either people are serious but say that what they said was only a joke, or they like me, and the only way they can show affection is either in an insulting or jokey manner. In this men and women are equal players. 
The same woman that told me earlier to ask for food donations, asked me again for a Toy donation. But this time she didn’t ask me directly, she made it more into a statement where she said, “You’re still not asking people to give to the Salvation Army”. I challenged her but she denied and back tracked saying that she wasn’t asking or telling me that I should, only observing that I wasn’t. I knew what she had said and what she had meant and I asked her that if that wasn’t her intent and she already knew the answer, then why did she make the comment. She didn’t respond but turned to serve a customer. The next time she brings it up I will tell her what to do with herself, 
4b ’06 Nov 29 4:42 am Activation and issue: having to pick up after others.
I have an issue and judgments with customers changing their minds and either dropping products they pick up in various bins thought-out the store or coming up to cash and then sorting out the items they want from the ones they don’t and then I or another cashier having to go and return them to their right place. It’s bringing up my childhood and me having to pick up after my siblings or my mother and of my mother changing her mind and saying to do it this way one time and then the next time her wanting it another way and I’m supposed to know what she wants this time. Or her saying that she wanted to do this, but then changing her mind and denying that she said the first comment.
I also have disappointment in that others don’t do what they say they are going to do. I also have judgment on me not to be that way. Not to change my mind, be a slob, not to make people have to pick up after me. Not to be like my mother.
This also ties into customers shopping and waiting until the store is closing or dilly dallying, fiddling with their purse or change, making me and others deliberately “wait” on them. They don’t seem to care, they take their sweet time, yet they are the pushy ones trying to get their stuff on the counter before the other person has finished… Hummm. Come to think of it, most of the women in my life have been that way. I’d be ready and woiuld have to wait on them and then rush to get there on time, ie the movies. Yet if I did that, there would be hell to pay.
OK, so what are the issues? How do I heal them, Hummm. Is this is also a reflection of how I am on myself? My book, am I procrastinating, of course I am. Am I pushing the envelope waiting until the doors are almost closed before I finally decide what I want?
Hummm, I can see how I also do that with other experiences; wait for other people to take the lead. Like with women. Now I’m basically waiting for them to approach me. I check them out and then let them decide if they want to peruse any sort of a relationship as I hold back. When I feel accepted and desired, then I move but otherwise its stop and go, not so much stop as just idling. So where is all this going? I don’t know.
JR
US car-deaths man given probation An 89-year-old American man whose car crashed into a farmers' market and killed 10 people has been sentenced to five years' probation for manslaughter.
The judge in Los Angeles said George Weller deserved time in jail but was too frail to survive behind bars..... Weller said he mistakenly pressed the accelerator instead of the brake when he drove into food stalls in Santa Monica in July 2003.
Weller was not in court to hear Judge Michael Johnson condemn his "stubborn and bull-headed refusal to accept responsibility"..... The judge said Weller had made "unbelievably callous statements" such as "just think how I felt" at the time of the crash..... "I'm convinced that Mr Weller deserves to go to prison," the judge said, but added that it "would not do anybody any good"
Weller was found guilty of vehicular manslaughter with gross negligence on the ninth day of jury deliberations..... He was excused attendance from the three-week trial for health reasons.
Witnesses said Weller was "seemingly nonplussed" moments after the accident..... Prosecutor Ann Ambrose said earlier in the trial: "He looked at what he had done, essentially shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Oops.'"
Weller's car travelled about 300m (1,000ft) and reached 60mph when it crashed, with one victim's body tangled underneath and another draped across the car. The victims ranged in age from seven months to 78 years.... In addition to the dead, the accident left 63 people injured.
*************************************************************************
And on a related subject.....
Trial ordered in deadly hit-and-run case SAN FRANCISCO - An SUV driver accused of running down 19 people in a deadly spree through streets and sidewalks was found competent to stand trial after his medication was changed..... Police arrested Omeed Aziz Popal on Aug. 29 after surrounding his sport utility vehicle with squad cars. By then, victims had been hit at more than a dozen locations in Fremont and San Francisco, and a 54-year-old man had been killed in Fremont, where Popal lives.
Popal, 29, was found competent Wednesday to stand trial in San Francisco on 18 counts of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon, plus single counts of battery on a peace officer and reckless evasion from police. He is suspected of murder in Fremont.
A few days ago on '06 Nov 07 I received the following in a series of questions that I got from All-Experts. I've posted them along with my replies on my Blog as the questions were marked “public” so it will also be posted to the net via All Experts. The reason I’m posting it is because this is the first e-mail that I’ve received that was from the “other” side, the other polarity, and in a physical body who was actually communicating similar but different issues and views.
It was no coincidence that I also answered a forum question regarding a woman’s dream and the word “Nuah” which is the Mesopotamian god of intelligence. I add this here as the two are related…
I took the liberty to add some pictures and links....
**************** This is the series of e-mails ********************************
’06 Nov 04 – Question 1------ How do I meet my higher self - been on the astral most of my life. Come see me some time , Mr Hoover http://www.answers.com/topic/j-edgar-hoover says you are an honest man. Long story made really brief after 2000 years of being a first rate professional warrior I am hoping I can not take away life anymore.
Answer -----
Hi Chris,
Make it your INTENT to meet your higher self when you are astral traveling... Who is Mr Hoover? Herbert, Edgar.. or vacuum cleaner guy. Time to lay down the sword and to stop the battle.. the inner battle with yourself...
John 
Question 2 ------ Edgar - head of my security staff. Can my higher self help me on earth - my astral form is far superior to my earth one , sharper , better fighter and more knowledge. I have made it my intent to meet my higher self - It doesnt seem to want to meet me , a few troops volnteered to find it and drag it to me - thats not working out. the battle within has created a sort of low electrical current and a constant desire for more knowledge and training that i am not good enough. what will happen to me if i stop fighting will i lose motivation to continue improving
Answer-----
Hi Chris,
It's interesting to hear you discuss your "problems" as you are the first one from the "other" side that has e-mailed me asking for help... Your issues are not that different from mine.. except that they are reversed.. Even your description of a "low electrical current" is similar to my condition and experience.. but for entirely opposite reasons...
There is nothing that I can do to help you as whatever I would say would be the opposite for you... You are battling for control.. while I am battling to release control.. You desire knowledge and training to improve your position.. I'm desire love, life and truth...I don't know if you are ready to reverse your polarity yet or not.. but that is the only thing that will save you and re-charge the physical and astral energy field you mention... You will, for a short time, be able to maintain your energy in the astral plane by your attachments and control of others both in the astral plane and in the physical.
I also find it interesting that I don't hate or fear you... and I also can't say I feel sorry for you either.. as you are what you are... and it's your choice... I can also see that you will now be experiencing what I have been experiencing in this creation... and that is a loss of power...
I don't know if you want to continue this dialogue.. but I am open to hear your views and opinions and feelings if you care to share them....
John
Question 3----- To whom or what are you giving up control - How are you certain that whatever it is really wants what is best for you?. I am lead on a house full of people - cant afford to give up fully , I also have a long list of enemies that would love nothing more then by head on a platter. How do I ensure whatever I an reversing to is actually better hen what I have got now.
Answer-----
Hi Chris,
I am not giving up control to anyone or anything outside of myself... I am giving up my control of me by ending my denials of ALL aspects of myself... and in that... I am taking my power back... In ending my denials, I also end my need to control others and also of enabling others to control me...
For me, it has been up until now... both an energy and physical battle.. Trying to live, one step ahead of who or what I thought was out to put my head on a platter... or at least.. to control and dominate my so-called life....
If what you have doesn't make you happy, and what you desire is the opposite of what you have, then you need to move in the opposite direction... If more power and control only brings more work, stress, enemies and people wanting to take your head.. then you need to take a real hard look to see if there ever can be any peace and happiness with that way of life... Even those at the of the food chain are not happy or peaceful as they need to continually enforce their power over the masses they control
What do you mean by, "I am lead on a house full of people" ... Are these people directly under your control... and are you talking astral.. physical or both? And why are you leading them?
John
Question 4 ----- by acknowledging all aspects of yourself and taking responsibilty you set yourself free ? I work six days a week eight hours d day and I still cant pass the tests I want in information technology - granted they are all Master and Expert titles and I am just starting out. I acknowledge that I am not what i used to be and I am moving as quickly as my earthly limations allow to find employment and improve things here.
As far as the astral goes , I had an ex-wife/supposed guardian angel who wasnt. Seperated me from my family tried to kill me , told me so many lies I dont know the truth about that section of this life. Started with building a house for myself and eleven others - twelve of us had been soldiers for many years in the same armies. Let the house become more then a house - now has well over three trillion googleplex people living in it all the services and entertainment needed to cater to such a population.
I try not to use any sort of force as a leader - I consider myself a central point for all departments to coordinate between and a troubleshooter for all manner of problems interapersonal and medical included.Usually I just speak and people are willing to help , seems i am some sort of Oracle to them which was never my desire or intent , I like helping people - as an empath I dont get much choice. During time of war people are trying to kill you thats how the war business goes when you have done it for two thousand years you tend to forget whos family you had to kill.
Answer-----
Hi Chris,
In reply to your question.. "by acknowledging all aspects of yourself and taking responsibility you set yourself free?" the answer is yes.
I have a couple of questions for you. I'm a little confused as you say you and eleven others have been fighting in the same armies.. Is that as mercenaries or for the US government.. or.. for the "New World Order" that is running the US and other world governments..
I'm also confused with the Googleplex...and the thirteen trillion people... I take it you are referring to some form of the google/Internet/content... And are you also working for, or with Google in the field of advanced information technology? Hummm.. If that's the case... then you know all about me and what I have been posting.. who has been visiting my sites and yadda, yadda, yadda. So then why are we in this conversation? Things that make one go Hummmm? So what am I missing?
I'm also curious about why you say you have only been fighting for the past 2000 years, as that puts your first incarnation at around the time of Christ..and if that has any significance to the wars you have been in?
John
Question 5 ------ Question: Google is a unit of measure equivlent to one with one hundred zeros after it - googleplex is the plural Its rather weird that all twelve of us have always been together - weve fought in just about every major conflict - Battle of Hastings in 1058 WW1 WW2 War of the roses are a few of the standouts. Eoman fronts in the persian wars was also a knuckledragger - just a small sampling. Almost always as some sort of elite grouping
These are the wars I can recall like it was yesterday. This form I am not a soldier - my first as something else. I dont know what i am supposed to do with this form - for some reason I feel called to IT security.I have too long a lineage to totally give up on my astral responsibilities yet I dont know how to balance both earth and astral I try so hard not to hurt people anymore - yet I seem to have a knack for causing emoional injuries.Assuming the statements " Reincarnation is a way for you to learn those lessons you missed in another life " and "when you learn all the lessons you ascend someplace " are true , when I go through my timeline and reexperience all of it instead of the samples i mentioned using all of my senses to achieve total awareness , I should walk away with all the questions awnsered. I just dont know how to get a long regression like that or how to ensure I dont change the past by accident
Answer:
Hi Chris,
When you say "astral responsibilities" do you also mean your job as a remote view and using that information to influence or control physical experiences? 
Last night I got the reason why you are drawn to "information technology" instead of physical fighting, you are now fighting with the pen (INFORMATION)... "The pen is mightier than the sword" .... That phrase has a double meaning.. for you it's... Kill a man with a sword and you had rid yourself of an enemy. Change the way he thinks, and you control not only his mind, but his body to do your bidding... Which has more power?
For me it's the opposite... Share your truth openly and you give others and opportunity to not only change their minds and beliefs but to also free themselves of their old beliefs that have controlled them and kept them in bondage.
You said that you don't want to hurt people but that you have a "knack" of causing emotional injury... Emotions and feelings are what you hate and so... true to your nature, you have a natural way of getting into another persons denied emotions and feelings and activating them into their pain. You are unaware of these emotions in yourself as you don't have them and can't feel them, and yet they are what you are really fighting against... to control others who are not like you.. That also ties in with the reincarnation cycle and re-experiencing the same old stuff... SSDD same shit...different day... 
I keep getting that you are the (11) others have something to do with Jesus
and the (12) apostles... Care to comment on that?
John
>>>>> NO FURTHER REPLY <<<<<<<<
I still haven’t figured out who his is ands why he contacted me and if anyone has any ideas or feelings, drop me a line.
Marian (ex-wife) is always complaining about money, but the more she gets, the more she spends. Recently I had told her that my glasses were six years old and that I had stopped in at a optical place that was having a sale, to see about getting my eyes tested and maybe a new pair as these were scratched, but that even with the sale, they were still too pricy for me. She told me that her glasses were almost two years ago, and then a couple of days later she went out and got herself new glasses and frames for over $550.00. A couple of days later, she went out and ordered prescription sunglasses for another $375.00.
I picked up an Eddy Bauer jacket like new, at the Salvation Army for $7.00. She had to have a new winter coat and went out and spent $175. She gets her hair done twice a month as well as her nails and facial. She now found out that she doesn’t have to pay municipal taxes for November and December and now she’s planning a trip to Scotland, where our son and his wife are moving to and where she originally game from. The list goes on and on.
What she is doing is selfish, not self-love, as I feel that she has to have what others have in order to be happy and if she doesn’t get it or have it, she gets depressed. It’s the same old Marian that I married and could never please, no matter how much money I gave her, it was never enough and it’s still the same. She believes that money brings happiness and love.
I’ve also noticed that whatever I do, she wants to do, even if she can’t physically do it. When I got the part time job, she wanted to get a part time job and asked me to see if they were still hiring. I buy my own groceries and at first she says that what she has is better, but when I don’t switch and she tastes my food, she switches to my food. She didn't like banannas when I moved in and now she does. She didn’t like 12 grain bread, now she does. She disn't like perogies, now she likes them too. Whatever I eat, she now also eats, including my food when she doesn’t have any and that is beginning to tick me off as I got to fix myself something to eat and it’s gone.
I’ve been working five to six days a week and I’ve neglected posting to my Blog, although I’ve been busy with my other Blogs. Work is getting interesting as all the little things are beginning to surface. I’ve also had my share of issues in dealing with customers and in my expressing myself, my way. While I have ruffled a few customer feathers, I have also seen that my actions were not only observed, but approved, not only by customers but also by my peers who witnessed my dealings with these people. 
For instance, I was dealing with an elderly woman and she was just beginning to pay me when another woman started unloading her shopping card to the counter and she was shoving the elderly lady aside. I stopped and raised my hand and told her to get her stuff off the counter and to back off until this lady had finished her business. She pretended she didn’t hear me and so I repeated myself but this time more forcefully. She seemed shocked but quickly removed her items. Other people in line behind the woman just smiled. The older lady smiled and moved back to her original position and paid me. After she left, the pushy woman put her stuff on the counter and never said a word as she paid for her order and left.
Also the manager, a young woman, activated me into issues with my mother and authority. One time it was her words that confused me and another time it was her actions and instead of asking questions and challenging her, I was activated into my confusion, and fear and into panic and I tried to mind read what she said, wanted or needed. After all she was the boss (my mother, the authority figure) she gave me the job (my mother housed and fed me) and I have to make her happy because if she’s not happy with me, I will suffer the consequences. Just like what I used to do with my mother, but for different reasons.
Later I talked to her about it and thanked her for activating me. She apologized for her actions as she understood that she didn’t explain what she was doing or wanting. I said no apology required, just that the next time, I will not be reacting the way I did as I am now aware of why I went into my panic and fear, due to my confusion and unresolved issues with my mother. She said she understood, but I felt she was confused with my reference to her and my mother.
I also have the assistant manager, another young woman who is trying to set me up with her mother-in-law, who also works at the store. While the mother-in-law is sociable, I am not attracted to her and I also feel hat she is set very set in her ways. In general, I’m having have fun with the customers and fellow employees as I let me be me and let them be them. I don’t know if I mentioned this before but I’m the only man in the store and the first in more than three years.
John
Well this is my last post of this month and also a short one. 
My part time job is interesting as I get to meet all kinds of people with all kinds of energy and issues. Yesterday, for about half an hour, I was noticing that some peoples hands (their palms especially) were a faint but distinct yellow in colour. I thought it was the light but my my hands were a pinky-red as were some others. I noticed it on men, women, young, old and even some children. I didn't pick up any particular energy from them.. I just saw the yellow colour.. I don't know what it means...yet. If anyone has any ideas.. leave a comment.
John
Well maybe not so short... I decided to post this piece on Duality... 
Duality is the other part of us that we have been fighting with since the dawn of creation. Dual means two of; two legs, two arms, two eyes, left and right.. But we are not fighting with these physical parts of us.. like our right arm wants to take over the left arm. What we're fighting against is our polarity double... It's an energy form of us that is of the opposite polarity that wants to take over our physical body. I'm sure you have heard of the "inner critic"... well now you know a bit more. Of course... if your inner critic is already in control... then you will feel that you don't have an inner critic...
Hot-cold, up-down, are opposite polarities. If hot wanted to take over colds place or space, it would destroy both hot and cold. If (-) energy tries to take the space of (+) energy it would also destroy both, like hooking up the (-) lead of a car battery to the (+) terminal... it creates a short circuit, sparks fly and the battery is destroyed.
Like the Yin Yang symbol, our opposite unloving (-) polarity has a right to exist in a way that it desires, but not by over-riding and trying to take the place of the (+) love polarity, and what the (+) love polarity desires.
What is coming to creation now is right place where everyone can do what they desire without over-riding, manipulating or controlling another against their Will. It is now right time for right space and place to come into manifestation and to end the struggle that has been going on between so-called good and evil since the beginning of creation. Right now.. the Yin Yang symbol is not black and white as shown, but is a washed out gray on both sides... Right place will restore the balance in creation.
I called Irene last night as it was her birthday. I had called he a few times since I left in September but there was never an answer. Last night, Dave her husband answered and she took the call. After I wished her a happy birthday her first comment was, "Boy do you have issues, you sure took off without even saying good bye." I told her that I felt any contact would have only driven her deeper into denial. She disagreed and began re-counting the night she was activated. I asked her what healing and insights did she get from that night and if she thought that I was still evil?
Again, she started back into the night that I had activated her and how I was evil and on and on... I said, see... nothing has changed.. you still have the same beliefs that you had when I left... You haven't healed anything or learned anything from that experience. I said that I could see her point of view, but could she see mine.. and if she couldn't.. was she open to hear what I had to say about that night... She stopped, and then asked what my point of view was.
I told her of the insights that I got and I tied it in with her story and how she saw it... While she admited that some of what I said made sense, she still felt that she was right and that what I was saying was only meant to trick her again.... At the end, she said, "we always get caught up when we get close" and then when I asked her if she realized that comment also referred to her, she started coughing so much that we couldn't continue our conversation...
JR
PS: The following links provide background infor to this post..
Fear and denial
Fear, Denial and Activation
Fear, denial, activation and Insights
I've been busy with work and doing my other blog posts and e-mails, so now it's time to get caught up on my blog. I'm just beginning to get into the swing of things at my part time job and I'm getting comfortable working with people and cash. It's interesting to feel the diffeent energies and dynamics of what is going on around me and with my interactions with them. I feel people taken off guard or surprised at my directness. If I feel them pushing at me, I ask them to wait, or to stop... and tell them why. If they are confused, I express acceptance for their confusion and try to help them if so directed. If I'm confused, I also have acceptance for that and I express it and either ask for help or get myself un-confused without going into a panic attack. 
The other day I was in the lunch room and I read an article in a movie type magazine about a young girl that was saying that she was a man trapped in a womans body and that she wants to be a man. As I read her story I felt how she, as a Spirit, has issues with being a woman and that she came into this incarnation to specifically heal this issue, but instead of healing, she is trying to change herself, her body, into a faux man and is denying both her feminity and healing opportunity.
I felt that the same was true for the opposite situation, where a man, in a male body wants to be woman. They have issues with male energy and in changing their male body into a faux female body, they are also denying their male issues and healing opportuinity.
JR
Well yesterday I started my part time job... It was a bit overwhelming at first, with thousands of items, some with GST and PST (tax) and then others with only GST and still other with no tax... It was a different pace than what I've been accustomed to.. It's like my life has been slow paced like the turtle and now it was like the road runner... I was put on cash and did a sample sale.. and while it went OK.. it was foreign to me as I had never done "that" specific function before. Not that I haven't worked cash, but it was different policies, procedures, a different register, different packaging, it was like learning it all over again...
I was walking down an isle with one of the girls that was telling me about the products, we approached an elderly woman trying to reach the top shelf and put back some product she had taken down. As I came up to her and saw her struggling and I offered to help her. As I took the product from her hands, she apologized for not being able to put them back and as she was talking I could feel the pain she was having in her body as she had strained and hurt herself, so much so that it brought tears to my eyes... She thanked me and moved on... and I returned to my tour...
I later realized that yesterday brought up my issues of school and of not knowing what was going on and doubting that I could learn, know and do what the others knew... Although we spoke the same language, (not like my school experience) it was still a different language than what I was used to...
Today I went in again for another four hour shift and I felt more comfortable... I re-stocked some shelves and then watched the cashiers as they dealt with customers. I didn't feel as intimidating as I was catching on to the products and taxes... It's not all that complicated.. but it is when you are first introduced to it... I feel that they'll put me on cash tomorrow... at least for a couple of hours... It's also not like you're a alone as there are others around that can help you...
UPDATE: '06 Oct 20 Well today I was on the line and after a couple of hours with supervision I was put on my own... I managed to log in sales of just over $900.00 in four hours and was short $.02 at the end of my four hour shift... I had a couple of gliches... but overall things went well... My legs and feet are a bit sore today as there is a lot of standing but that is expected as I've been doing a lot of sitting at my computer these past few months... so I feel I need this...
Experts want to rename schizophrenia
Tue Oct 10, 9:12 AM ET LONDON (Reuters) - Mental health experts called on Monday for the term schizophrenia to be dropped, saying it has no scientific validity, is imprecise and stigmatizing.
Professor Marius Romme.... said "It is a harmful concept"...... He added that symptoms such as delusions, hearing voices and hallucinations are not the results of the illness but may be reactions to traumatic and troubling events in life...... "It groups together a whole range of different problems under one label -- the assumption is that all of these people with all of these different problems have the same brain disease," he added.....
Other psychiatrists agree that schizophrenia is an unsatisfactory term that conveys bizarreness but they are concerned that discarding the term could lead to problems classifying patients with psychosis.......He suggested replacing the term schizophrenia with the label "dopamine dysregulation disorder", which he said more accurately reflects what is happening in the brain of someone who is psychotic.
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Medical experts say Schizophrenia has no scientific validity, is imprecise and stigmatizing...... and is to be replaced with the name (dopamine dysregulation disorder) DDD. So what have these so-called medical EXPERTS really done?.... Changed the name... a form change.... and that's supposed to make the person better... Dah! hello.. anyone home....!!! 
The term schizophrenia is derived from the Greek words 'schizoid' (split) and 'phren' (mind) and was coined by Eugene Bleuler in 1908 to refer to the lack of interaction between thought processes and perception. He was also the first to describe the symptoms as "positive" or "negative. The problem is that the Medical community also included a host of other symptoms under the same general term Schizophrenia, as listed below.
1) Schizophrenia is a serious brain disorder. It is a disease that makes it difficult for a person to tell the difference between real and unreal experiences,
2) Schizophrenia, often misunderstood as split personality, is a chronic mental illness characterized by psychosis, or loss of reality testing.
3) Disorganized schizophrenia is a type of schizophrenia characterized by disinhibited, agitated, and purposeless behavior
4) A mental illness characterized by disordered thinking, delusions, hallucinations, emotional disturbance, and withdrawal from reality
5) And the list goes on...
The medical community labels anyone that sees what they or most others can't see as being delusional or suffering from hallucinations. Seeing the normally unseen reality can be frightening and disorienting especially if there is already a fear and stigma associated with it, as are hearing voices. Doctors have been labeling these people as suffering from Schizophrenia when there is so much more to it. Seeing and hearing is not a problem if you have acceptance that you have a gift and that you can see and hear things that others can't.. That gift and ability, doesn't necessarily make these people schizoid (split personality). 
Now what I would call a Schizophrenic "split personality" is a person that changes their behavior from one state to another (positive to negative) and becomes an entirely different person in the matter of seconds. This is the classic Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde behavoiur and may well include seeing things and hearing voices. This can also take on multiple personalities. This manifestation is actually a form of possession.... and that is another subject onto itself...
The whole foundation that the medical community have based their concepts and treatments on are flawed and are only a part truth... True, there are chemical imbalances occurring in the body, but instead of stuffing the body with mind and emotion altering drugs, they need to find the reason why and how the body has suddenly developed a chemical imbalance... and no.... it's not environmental or genetic, although there are links.
Saysame JR
Disabled Canadian teenager locked in burning shed
WINNIPEG, Manitoba (Reuters) - A group of young bullies locked a disabled Canadian teenager in a shed and then set it on fire, according to police and media reports on Monday..... Brian McKay, 14, was born with spina bifida, a disorder that damages the spinal cord. He consequently walks with a limp.
He was at a playground in the Western Canadian city of Winnipeg on Saturday when a group of children ranging from eight to 11 years old pushed him into a nearby shed, locked it, set it on fire and fled, Winnipeg police said.
A nine-year-old girl heard McKay calling for help from the shed but couldn't open the door, but a friend of hers managed to get it open. A man then heard the children yelling and carried the teen to safety...... The boy and the young girl were taken to the hospital after suffering from smoke inhalation, and were in stable condition.
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And you thought children were incapable of doing evil?
Saysame JR
UPDATES: Canadian 12-year-old, 3 teens charged with murder
I feel that I've been tying up some loose ends before I get into my books. For the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of posting to my various blogs. I've been showing the relationships between religion, politics and society and how it's all just going around in circles... As I continued posting to my blogs I could see and feel the denials present and how they were being played out as time went on. Part of my reason for posting them was to allow others to follow and see how the denials and power plays were being acted out. I can keep on writing about the current events until the cows come home...(if I had any cows) and nothing would change. The only thing that would change is the form, with different players and the different experiences, experiencing a repeat of history. I did a recent post on Saysame - Politics, denial and truth called History repeating itself
What I began seeing and realizing even more clearly was that here is no solution to the present situations and the reality is that there can never be. Any external change is just a from change and nothing else. History is repeating itself and the scary part is that his time, with nuclear technology, there is the distinct possibility that there will be no history or humanity around to do this again.... Humm, I stopped... I was just thinking of Pan, Lumeria and Atlantis and that is another one of those end of times.. This world and humanity, or rather, this world of imprints, programs and beliefs, the rules, regulation and laws, codes of ethics, mortality and on and on, are flawed and no amount of effort is going to change them... They need to be let go.... 
Think of all the imprints, programs and beliefs associated in the following areas I've listed below and then expand then to other cultures around the world. Now can you see that we can't change this as everyone involved has free Will and choice and no one is willing to give what they have... unless it's for the better...
Politics and government
Health and medical
Financial institutions
Natural resources
Food and agriculture
Military
Legal, laws and the police
Pharmaceuticals and drugs
Oil and energy
Communications and media
Education
Business and industry
Religions, ethics, morality
I just had a vision of this Ark filled with all the various types of humanity, some raging and other trying to be nice and kind. The Ark was on fire and was slowly and silently drifting out on a dark sea into the darkness of a moonless and overcast night. The people on board were oblivious to the fire and their perilous situation, and there was no way the Ark was coming back as all aboard felt bound and determined to stick it out, that they were right and that they could fix things if they could just have their way, or had one more chance, or could get others to listen to them, that there would be peace and harmony for all. Others felt they could get the same results if they could just have more power and control and that with just the right use of force and diplomacy, peace and harmony would also be obtained...
They weren't coming back and I didn't want them back as I also felt that they were taking with them, all the Old World imprints, programs and beliefs. I breathed a sigh of relief and then I also had fear as I didn't know what to expect when I turned around...
2006 Oct 16 3:37 a.m. Dream.
I woke up seeing his face but I couldn't remember his name. It knew it was Al Bundy character from the TV Series "Married with Children". He had written a short poem on his blog and he was now being recognized by the UN as the "Man of the Year'.... But the next week he was again voted "man of the year". I was confused and curious so I checked out his blog and found that he was basically re-writing the same poem and just re-phrasing it and winning the UN award again and again. The poems were simple words and one line phrases like the following.
Roses are red, violets are blue
Roses and violets, red and blue
Roses are blue, violets are red
Violets are blue, roses are red
I found it curious that the UN would use the term "man of the year" as it implies a one (year) one (man) award.. and not the weekly awards that they were giving him. I was also wondering why the UN was giving him all these weekly "man of the Year" awards: was it just because he submitted something... anything... and they'd raise their hands in glee and pat him on the back and honour him with prestigious phony awards. This man was saying nothing, yet the UN respomded as if it were a miracle.
What I was also seeing in the dream was that the figure of Al Bundy was inter-changing with George Bush. I woke thinking that this Bundy dream is a lot like Bush and that anything Bush writes or says is BIG news, and given accolades by the both the press and the UN as..... "WOW! this guy is great"
Saysame JR
PS: After I changed Bushs picture, and re-posted it I had a good laugh as I saw that both have the same facial expression... Things in common and things that make you go hummmm?
Quake knocks out power across Hawaii
HONOLULU - A strong earthquake shook Hawaii early Sunday, causing a landslide that blocked a major highway on Hawaii Island and knocking out power across the state, authorities said. Gov. Linda Lingle issued a disaster declaration for the entire state....... The quake hit at 7:07 a.m. local time, 10 miles north-northwest of Kailua Kona, a town on the west coast of the Big Island, said Don Blakeman, a geophysicist at the National Earthquake Information Center, part of the U.S. Geological Survey.
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There was more than just the earthquake in Hawaii... Check out the USGS Live Internet Seismic Server to see what else was happening around the planet. 
IU/KIP, Kipapa, Hawaii, USA
UPDATES:
'06 Oct 15 Disaster declared as quake hits Hawaii
I've been busy updating my blogs and links and trying to organize them in some fashion as I don't want (my Blog) to become too scattered.. anymore than it already is... It would be nice to have a Blog operate like a message board.. hummmmm. maybe that's what I should be doing instead of creating all these separate blogs...Naw.. I still need a central site with topic headings that are searchable... OK getting off topic here...
Yesterday I happened to stop in at a small retail store and noticed that they were looking for part-time help. I checked it out, and later went back with a resume and had an interview. Today I got a call that I have the job and I go in next Wednesday for training... It'll be interesting as I'll be dealing with the public... Hummm, I wonder what stuff that's going to bring up... 
It snowed here yesterday and again a bit today but it didn't last. The temperature was down to 18C or 64F and Marian turned the heat up to 22C but that was it. It never came back on again and now it's back down to 18C and the temperature outside is dropping. The house is cool, cooler that I like but Marian likes the cold or rather doesn't feel it... she reminds me of Irene that way... While she doesn't feel the cold, she does feel the heat and she had the air conditioner running almost all the time, until last week. I'll have a chat with her and I might just get myself a small portable heater for the winter, so that I'm comfortable.
JR
UPDATE: The next day with snow on the ground and the temperature at 16C, Marian said she was cold and asked for help with programing the thermostat... Now it's set at 22C in the daytime and down to 18C at 11:00 p.m. at night. It's also programmed to come on at 7:00a.m. so that it's warn when you get up. I can live with that.
7;45 a.m. I was thinking that there's more to Myth and Legends than what meets the eye... The Romans, Greeks, Egyptians, the Norse, African, in fast all continents have their native myths and legends that were in existence long before any of the modern religions came along like Judaism or Christianity. Hummm, there is one exception, India, and the Hindu religion as that still follows the old Myths and legends of Gods and Goddesses walking with man on Earth, some doing good and some doing evil.
Hathor..............Horus
These ancient Gods and Goddesses are no longer in the physical form as they once were Ahhh.. or are they? Maybe they've just lost some much essence... I stopped... Maybe the ones of love, have lost so much of their essence and power through denial that they no longer have the powers they once e had and the evil and unloving ones gained power. And they also got better at form changes and are still able to walk among us, un-noticed. Son of Man, Son of God. Sons and daughters of Man. Sons and daughters of the Gods.
I'll have to check the bible and the net, to see what I can find. I can feel it, but I don't know what the "it" is... yet. I don't know what is missing.
Saysame
JR
This morning, my body felt like it had been hit by a truck as every bone and muscle ached and I didn't get up until after 9:00 a.m. I did a few e-mails this afternoon, but when I felt I was running out of energy I took it easy the rest of the day.. I've been getting the feeling of heartbreak and that I've lost something but I don't know what it is ...yet.
I tried to have a talk with Marian about the business relationship we had with Herb and Ruth, but she didn't want to talk about it, saying only that it caused a lot of strife in our life. We did manage to discuss it a bit but we had different views of what was going on and why. Again, we were on two different pages...
'06 Oct 09 Dream 6:52 a.m. I was packing up my stuff for a journey, but this time I was only packing what I could carry comfortably on my back and in my arms. I had food, shelter, clothing and some personal items. I don't know where I was going but I was going with someone as I remember sharing things that I had two of.
Yesterday; Marian and I were invited to my daughters mother-in-law for thanksgiving dinner {I don't know what that makes me... maybe an out-law :) } Anyway. I was driving my truck and Marian opened the passenger window for fresh air. We were in town so I wasn't going fast and as it was a nice day I denied saying anything when I began to feel a draft on the back of my neck. But about five minutes later I had to ask her to close the window as my entire neck, shoulders and back was in pain. The pain eased off somewhat after a couple of hours, but it's still there this morning and my body is also in a dull achy pain.
7:30 p.m. I went for a walk by the reservoir this afternoon and I was going to take some pictures but I couldn't really get into it as my neck was still sore as was my body.. I just didn't have the energy... I don't feel that the draft is really what's at the heart of this as I feel it was just a trigger, an activator of something bigger.
'06 Oct 08 7:01 a.m. Another dream.
This time the dream was of Jen and of her trying to do things that would make her happy and also of other people trying to do things to make her happy but... what I saw was all these broken bits of different things taped, tied, glued, stapled and nailed together "trying to be" this wonderful thing called life and all that it was, was pieces of shattered hopes, dreams and desires and was not life. Why was it all broken? Because it was all built on conditional love. We've been "trying" to forge, "force" a dream into creation built on our old imprints programs and beliefs and it doesn't work, because they were unlovingly "forced" and demanded, willed by mindfull determination, blood, sweat and tears... but where was the love?
And even if we have desire and passion and loving intent that also isn't enough without real unconditional love present to fuel our desires and passion. If all that is fueling our desires it is our lost hopes, dreams and our desire to fill this feeling of emptiness and wanting within us, something that we had or we wish or dreams we had, it's also not in the present moment and there is also denied fear present. 
Trouble is that we don't realize that it's "we" that are broken because how can we create our desires if we don't have the tools to create them? We have tools, but they are the tools of conditional love and the result is failure and the death of our hopes, dreams and desires. The tools we need are the tools of unconditional love. We need to fix ourselves first, create new imprints, programs and beliefs that are based in love without conditions, without restrictions and we will then have the tools that we've never used before to create the dreams we have yet to dream.
We need to let go of the past, not let go of remembering it, but to let go in trying to re-create it because it was built on shifting sand and never lasted nor could it. And so we blindly and vainly struggle to re-create something that never worked and we keep doing it over and over and failing each time and also, losing more of ourselves in the processes. 
It's time to stop this insanity and instead of looking to the past to build our future, we need to look in the opposite direction, to the blank screen and as move toward it, we create our dreams, by living our desires in the moment, without expectation or conditions. A New World is rising out of the "ashes" of the old, The phoenix is rising.
Saysame JR
'06 Oct 08 Sunday 3:27 a.m. Another dream.
I awoke and wrote what I was feeling about the dream before I started writing about the dream itself. I wrote: if it's your idea and your effort, don't give others the benefit of the doubt or trust them when you have suspicions. Don't try to keep it going if it's not going to work out of some false sense of pride, guilt or shame.
I then began writing about the dream, that I had a business with Marian and a partner and sales were down a bit, the company was starting to be in trouble. I couldn't understand what was happening and I was looking for ways to economize and keep it going until we figure out what was going on. Little did I know that Marian and my partner were selling if off bit by bit from under me, making it impossible to keep going.
Hummmm, I stopped, this dream feels similar to what happened in real life and how my ex-partner, Herb and his wife Ruth were stealing thousands of dollars from the company while pretending to be concerned for the company and making it look like they were supporting and helping me but all the while they were only in it to get more out.
I trusted them and I also trusted Marian who was working in the office with Ruth and was doing the accounts payable while Ruth did Accounts receivable. Herb was out on sales and I was making sure that the work was getting done and that the orders were getting out as well as overseeing the entire Company as president. I knew mentally what was going out and coming in and how much our employers were being paid, so I had a pretty good feel for the status of the company and that while it wasn't "great" it was, in my mind, making money but according to Ruth, Herb and Marian, it wasn't and one of the reasons was because accounts receivables were slow in coming in.
There was now this sudden panic by Marian to pay the bills and the employees, and the money was needed yesterday. We were in the process of setting up a line of credit with the bank but were also waiting on Ruth to provide the financial statements that the bank needed but she was dragging her feet so the bank was no help now. I decided to float the company a personal short term loan as Marian and I had extra money. I trusted that Marian was on top of the situation and that the loan would be re-paid in a few weeks as I also had been told by my partners that they had called the accounts regarding the cheques and that they were in the mail. My signature was also required on all cheques so I knew where the money was going, but at the same time, didn't know where it was going and how...if you follow me. 
I had challenged them before and was told that I wasn't an accountant or doing the books and that I didn't know what I was talking about. In anger, I asked them if they were stealing from the company and that only made things worse. I was accused of wrongly accusing someone that only cared for my and the companies best interest and that I broke their hearts that I would say such a thing. That I didn't trust anyone and that I was acting as lord and master. Trouble was, I smelt a rat and felt something was fishy but instead of calling everyones hand and the game, I denied and gave them the benefit of the doubt again. I also had several arguments with Marian asking her what was going on and where was the money going and to have a look at the accounts receivable like I had asked. She'd scream back they were Ok, but I knew they weren't.
It turned out that I knew exactly what was going on as after a couple more weeks of increased sales and lies and deceit, we were now worse off than before. Finally I had out and they said that if I wasn't happy with them, that I could buy their share of the company for what it was originally worth and not for what it was worth now on the financial statements that she had prepared. Marian sided with them and I was frustrated to no end.
In all the ruckus on that Friday afternoon, I noticed that Ruth had left without taking the accounting legers and banking bag with her as she was always adamant about leaving any money and cheques in the building in case they were stolen and she would always take them home for safe keeping. I picked them up and took them home and after supper I started to go though the accounts receivable books and all the sales invoices, paid and outstanding. To my surprise, I found two account receivable legers, and that she was having some of the accounts receivables diverted to their old company so the account was paid, but not to our company or our bank account. Now I had proof of what was going on. Early Saturday morning I got the locks changed and when they tried to come in on Saturday to pick up the ledgers, they were furious that they were locked out and were going to sue me for everything that I had.
Marian went into a deeper depression and was of no help, in fact still accused me of being wrong in that I wasn't an accountant like Ruth, and while that was true, I knew how to do books as I had set up an run a company before, so I was no dim-wit. Yet at the same time she was also saying, "I told you so, you should never have gone in with Ruth and herb... I knew what they were like." I was in hell!!!! And actually that was when my old world began to fall apart...
JR
4:11 a.m. I denied myself and my intuition as I felt that I was responsible for other peeoples happiness as I was the major share holder, I had the money, I was younger, healthier and stronger. It was I that was trying to build.... what? something, a company, a little world, an empire that would provide for my family and friends, even if it was on a small scale.
I had a company before this one with twenty three employess before I sold it and there again, I trusted others and did what was best for others but not for me and in the end, I also got shafted and the dream was destroyed. I was trying to re-build that dream and I was still doing the same things so why would it be any different this time.
'06 Oct 07 2:50 a.m. Dream
In the dream I kept seeing these six or more pieces of a picture, like a puzzle that when put together would form another picture, yet the message that I kept getting was "see what is missing." As I put the pictures together, I saw that what was missing was in the empty space that was formed when all six pictures were assembled correctly. Each picture had a piece of the empty space that was missing in the big picture and only when you had the complete picture, could you see what was missing. But what I was missing, was the fact, that each seperate picture contained a part of the missing space that was needed to complete the puzzle so that you could see the whole empty space in the big puzzle. It was a weird dream and I woke up.
’06 Oct 05 Thursday 3:27 a.m.
Dream: Programed Sheep
This guy was selling an electronic alarm system to a sheep herder. Whenever there was danger and trouble around and the sheep were spooked and afraid, this guy would come out and adjust the devise that would give off a signal of “all’s well or “all’s clear” to the sheep and then the sheep would go back to doing whatever it was they were doing before they were activated, even though the threat and danger was still there and hadn’t been removed, but now the sheep were oblivious to it.
I was arguing with both the sheep herder and the manufactures rep that this wasn’t working, but their reply was, “look at the sheep, are they still afraid?” I couldn’t argue that fact, but they wouldn’t admit that the threat and danger that the sheep originally felt and feared hadn’t been resolved, but just covered up and was still there.
What was also disturbing was that the manufactures rep was also planning a similar model and device to be sold to people to protect their property, valuables and even themselves from the threat of danger or attack…. 
I woke up!!! That dream reminded me of the USA governments HAARP Project that was developed to control the mind and emotions of the masses, much like what was being done with the sheep in my dream. 
3:43 a.m. Getting back to the devise, even if the sheep saw a clear and present danger like a wolf, once the guy adjusted the devise that transmitted the mind control signal, that signal over-rode the sheep’s mind and intuition and from then on, it basically told the sheep that nothing was wrong and to not to be afraid of what it was seeing and feeling as there was no threat.. Even if a wolf came up and killed one of them and was eating it there in front of all of them, they’d just walk around as if nothing had happened. They were no more afraid of the wolf than they would be of a sparrow flying into their midst, or a chipmunk scurrying underfoot.
The same devise, when used on people, would enable robbers, rapists and murders, etc. to move freely around the community, doing their deeds, while the population was oblivious to what was really going on. If something was missing or someone was hurt or killed, they’d blink and wonder if they ever had such a thing in the first place, or they would wonder how and when the accident happened or why that person is no longer moving and is dead. 
***** As I’m typing this post I’m realizing how similar this is to our denials. Something happens but we ignore it, we deny expressing our emotions and we then try to deny that it even exists just like the programmed sheep, and while the sheep were put into a mindless sleep, so too are we caught up in our own mindless sleep as we are unaware of the effects of our denials. For the sheep, when the wolf finally gets to kill it, the programmed sheep is in denial, and not aware of any any danger and so it goes to peacefully and ignorantly unaware of it’s plight. We too suffer the same end, but instead of a quick death like the sheep, we commit to a slow, struggling and painful suicide, as every time we continue to deny our feelings and emotions, we give them, and ourselves, (as they are a part of us) a little push closer to death, and like the sheep, we too are ignorantly in denial of our plight…
Or so it has been… BUT…. Things, they are a changing… *****
I've mentioned in an earlier post that I’ve been busy on the internet and yesterday I finished posting a couple of threads on my message board “the heart centre” that have to do with a couple of discussions I was having on another board. 
It so turns out that the first discussion offers examples of love essence in denial, but with a closed mind and heart. It also presents a look at how evil thinks and works. You can check out that thread at this link, “Emotionally, mentally, spiritually.... wore out!! 
The second discussion offers SIMILAR aspects of love essence in denial, but with and open mind and heart, where denials end and healing begins and with an entirely DIFFERENT outcome. . It also presents a look at how evil thinks and works, not only from the outside, but from within. You can check out that discussion at this link Jannokas Journey Both threads are located in the same Journey Journals section of the board.
Similarities and Differences… things that I’ve been working on for a while, and that this is just another piece of the puzzle.
’06 Oct 04 12:01 p.m. Marian can’t relax. When she was sick and in pain with her back she was mentally and emotionally on the go and since she didn’t want to “feel” her emotions, she felt all the worse as she also blamed her emotions for how and what she was feeling. Her so-called doctors would increase her prescription dosage or change it to get her emotions subdued and numb so that she wouldn’t feel them and would feel relaxed. This also affected her body, which would be in more pain and the cycle was endless as she doesn’t want to feel the pain in her body or her emotions. 
Since she had the epidural in her spine, she now has her mobility back as it has numbed the pain in her back so that she can’t feel it, Now that she can’t feel the pain in her body anymore, she pushes her body to the point of exhaustion, rests a few minuets and then is on the go again until she is exhausted, and again, takes a couple of minutes rest and she just keep repeating the pattern of physical abuse. 
There is no love here for either her body or her emotions. I tried talking with her about her pushing herself and she would just say, “yea I know, or I wasn’t pushing myself, or I was resting, or did rest.” When I’d ask her how long she did things and how long she rested, i.e., fifteen minutes of doing things and fifteen minutes or one hour of rest, she said I can’t do that because as soon as I feel OK, I have to keep moving and get the job done. She also reminds me of Jen and Irene.
*** As I’m typing this it also reminds me of Dale, the born again Christian landlady in Moncton and also of Darryl, who is now in China… actually a lot of people… including myself… but more so…. the old me, what I used to be like.
As I typed the title for this post I was thinking of the so-called medical syndromes of ADD and ADHD and how the kids have to move and rock, as they can’t express the emotions they are feeling and so they have to do something … or they feel they will explode and just go nuts if all they can do is think and feel all the denied energy that they are holding inside them, and with no means of letting it out, all they can do is blow off steam... 
Instead of helping these traumatized kids heal their emotions…. the “good” doctors whose job it is to “practice” on others…. prescribe legalized drugs such as … Ritalin, Adderall (banned in Canada) and Concerta to dull and numb, not only the emotions but also the mind and body.***
The media, TV, radio and newspapers gather mountains of information but they never pursue it. Today’s news is for today and then it’s forgotten and becomes old news, and who’s interested in hearing “old” news? We forget important events and issues as they’re not followed up, or maybe that’s the plan…. Although we get information from the media, it’s the individual’s ability via the internet to not only pull all these events and issues together, but to also save and instantly recall all data and reference links, and then to also be able to instantly share this information with anyone in the world that is connected to the internet… As we pull this information together and record all these events and issues, we begin to see the underlying pattern of what’s really going on that those in the news would like us to forget. Before the internet, there was no real means to gather the facts and to instantly share them with the world on a personal level as I am doing now.
For instance, take my Blog religion-denials-and-truth where the current focus is on the Pope. With the help of the internet, I can not only read, see and hear what the media is reporting, but I also have access to related topics or articles. Now I can take these seeming un-related events and in organizing them, see that they are not un-related, but are in fact part of a piece of the puzzle of a much larger picture that the media has some how forgotten or is denying pursuing on purpose. 
In the matter of a couple of weeks, I have been able to gather a mountain of undeniable evidence portraying the Pope and the Church for what they really are. That without the Internet, all these events, issues and situations would have been swept under the carpet, but now the ugly reality is beginning to be exposed. Look at my Blog and tell me that the Catholic Church isn’t corrupt? Well you can if you’re in denial, but I’m not going to debate your denial beliefs. While the Pope is the one that is presently in the headlines, this corruption is in every religion as none “walk their talk” and will say one thing and do another.
I knew that the Catholic Church was evil and corrupt when I was seven years old; from mind numbing indoctrination, intimidation and guilt laden rhetoric, to the awareness of sexually abused choir and alter boys, pregnant nuns, and culminating with the excommunication of me and my family when I was thirteen years old. These personal experiences were only strengthened by what I heard, saw and read in the media in later years, but that somehow were never followed up or investigated. It was as if evil had the power to quash anything that would cause it to disclose the truth that they, so vehemently hid and denied. Why? For power and control... because if the truth were know, would people still follow and serve the Church? 
Throughout the years, while no longer personally and directly subject to their abuse, I’ve continued to witness it and when I’ve expressed my truths I’ve been chastised and poo-poo’d by Catholics, as being wrong, angry or unable to forgive and forget. By starting my Blog and recording the present media coverage on the internet, I can now express and share my truth with not only one person, but with the world. And in expressing my truth, of what I already know, combined with what is in the media, I can help expose the denied evil and unlovingness for what it really is. Not that I can, or even want to bring them to so-called legal justice, but my intent is to simply make others aware of the truth, a truth that WOULDN”T GO AWAY, and then, it’s up to each person to make up their mind as to what is the truth for them. Do they still want to cling to their old imprints, programs and beliefs, or …. are they now beginning to see things in a different light are are getting fed up with all the BS that they've been eating up like candy?
Denying the truth doesn’t change the truth, just your perception of it.
With experience comes understanding and knowing, and in the applying of that which you know and understand comes wisdom and new experiences.
’06 Oct 02 7:36 a.m. All this niceness and kindness boils down to walking your talk. You may know the truth but unless you are able to apply that what you know to your experiences, you are living a lie and are operating in two different worlds or realities or from two different pages, and while you may think and believe that you are being sincere and real, you are actually acting out, or to be more accurate, re-acting to your reality instead of being, experiencing and living it.
“All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players” 
No wonder we can’t communicate and get along in peace and harmony with others. We THINK that we’re saying and doing one thing when in reality we’re doing the opposite.. Hummmm. That also ties in with the my post on Good and Evil in that Love essence in denial becomes the doer of evil and takes on the characteristics of evil… believing, thinking and acting as evil does. It also falsely believes that love is evil and that evil is love, so that if someone was actually communicating from love, they would react as if the opposite was true and be repulsed by what they were receiving believing that it was evil. However, if the other person was evil or was one that was love, but also in denial, they would get along as if they were the best of friends, as denial would be the bond and what they had in common, or was similar.
Denial is what presently holds and bonds society and religion together, and since denial is opposed to expressing the truth and is unloving, how ignorant and dimwitted are we to smilingly expect there to be peace and harmony in the world, if we can just be nice and kind to each other? Dah!...
Denying the truth doesn’t change the truth, just your perception of it.
With experience comes understanding and knowing and in the applying of that which you know and understand comes wisdom and new experiences.
'06 Oct 01 8:50 a.m. We have a whole world built on niceness and kindness and all the different societies and religions mouthing the same old basic Golden Rule of “do unto others as you would have others do unto you,” and we can all live in peace and harmony. While it sound good, there’s something wrong with that concept as one just has to look at the state that the world is in to see that the system is flawed.…. WHY, what’s wrong? What’s wrong with this picture and the system is that all this niceness and kindness is actually just a phony pretence of love, because under it all is unlovingness and denial and the second part of the old “Golden Rule” that is not mentioned (but denied) which is “Do as I say, don’t do as I do.” 
This OLD world is built on old imprints, programs and beliefs and no matter how hard we try, we can’t change others as they have free will just as we do, and they also are what they are. Religion, Kings, Queens, Dictators, governments and their various political ideals such as communism and democracy have all failed because of the underlying corruption of their old imprints, programs and beliefs… and... until these are changed... nothing changes, and we continue to go around and down in a slow spiral as we are being sucked into the black hole of death. 
Society has to, and will change…. BUT in order for this to happen, there needs to be a complete social change with new programs and beliefs…. In order for that to happen, the people that no longer desire to struggle to survive in this false and phony society of niceness and kindness will have to change, not outside, but inside themselves. They can only change themselves by letting go of their old imprints, programs and beliefs AND as they do that, THEY become the power and the LOVE energy necessary for the changes to take place. “And the truth shall set you free” and “the meek shall inherit the Earth”
You wanna change the world, then BE THE CHANGE.
I know that my guides had a raeason to get me to re-read and post my so-called not important experiences, because last night and this morning they began to make sense. 
’06 October 01 5:37 a.m. I was thinking of Woodstock and how it was like Moncton and the Maritimes and I wondered what it was that I didn’t get, what am I missing? I then realized that all the other places that I've lived in, like Kelowna, Vernon, Calgary, Regina, Penetang, Barrie, they all were similar, but at the same time different, not just by geographic location and also in the history of the community and the ethnic and cultural mix of their “old country” customs, traditions and languages that separated them from the next community or city… Similar but different (As I was typing this for my Blog, I also thought of how people are similar but also different in much the same way.) 
Religion is the biggest thing that is similar with each community and in Canada, that similarity is the hundreds of Christian denominations AND….this is what’s important as it’s what links these cities and communalities together. What’s similar with all these hundreds of Christian religious beliefs is their façade of niceness and kindness, and a desire for peace and harmony. They all put on this phony presentation face wanting you to believe that all is well and that this is the best religion and the best place to live as everyone is so nice and kind and they all help and care for each other.
I’m sure that if I went to Europe, Israel, Iraq, Tibet, china, Africa and Australia, that I’d find the same situation with other religions and that the only thing that would be different besides some specific religious beliefs, would be the location, language, social system of customs and traditions, BUT the thing that would be similar would be the same phony presentation face of being nice and kind based on their religious belief or lack of one. 
5:54 a.m. This also ties in to what I was writing about before on polarities and “similarities and differences” that while the experience will be different, the emotions will be similar, as a person that is feeling abandoned in Moncton will feel the same as a person feeling abandoned in Spain or Tibet or Africa.
So what I was really….. hummmm I’m smiling as I just got it.. I just realized that it really isn’t about the polarity of "different and similar" but that I was on two different pages and was trying to combine them on one page so that they would be the same. Customs, traditions and religion are on one page and emotions and feelings are on another. Experiences based on different social customs traditions and religious belief still trigger the same or similar emotions. It’s like separating the wheat from the chaff. My experience with Marian the other day opened my eyes to be able to see this now. Trying to be nice and kind is not love, but love is nice and kind.
I like it when things start to come together and you’re able to see things is a different light, and to see things more clearly and from a new perspective. Another piece of the puzzle and now on to the next, but with a little bit clearer view of what I’m looking at. Now I feel that I’ll be working on how niceness and kindness have been and still are presented as love, when they are not. Similar by different.
’06 Sept 30 Saturday 7:30 a.m. .... I wrote five pages in my journal on healing and the different levels and how complicated it is when we are finding our way and then how simple it is once true healing is our intent. It’s too long to post here, but I’ll try to get out some how.
Marian and I were in the Kitchen and she was making pancakes for breakfast and she started the topic of the bank card again. This time I said, “I agree with you, you’re right.” She didn’t hear me and kept on talking. I said it five times before she stopped and looked at me, totally confused? “You‘re agreeing with me,” she said? “Yes, what you are saying is true, and what I was taking about was also true. All I said was that if anyone found my card that they could open an account in my name… the end. My concern was that they could open an account… all the rest is what you were talking about… and that’s why we were not able to understand each other.” She said, “You’re right… but.” I stopped her and said, “No buts, you’re right and I’m right, we were just talking about two different things.” She reflected for a moment and I knew she got it this time… end of discussion… but in a different way and light.
3:30 p.m. Well Gary finally came and moved his stuff out and I cleaned up the room and brought my stuff in and unpacked… I’ll be sleeping in a real bed for the first time in over a month….. Nice And guess what… I’m basically caught up on my Blog…Now the trick will be to keep it current…
’06 Sept 29 Friday 6:00 a.m.
This is Hathor, the preserve of Life. That which I seek, I seek not to kill but to protect. It is the essence of Life I seek for it is that which endures. Although the Body and Mind may be subdued and destroyed, that which remains is eternal. But though I say it is eternal, for if it truly was, there would be no need for protection. But alas, it too suffers as does the Mind and Body but it is that which provides for the Mind and Body its essence so that Life may flourish.
It is since the beginning of time that there has been this struggle by those that seek to control all that is created, to find that which is this eternal flame that refuses to be extinguished no matter how relentlessly it is hunted down and brought to the edge of extension, lo, even then, it still flickers to re-ignite and continue life anew. It is like a flame, a light that no matter how the wind may try to extinguish it, it re-ignites when even all trace of glow or ember has died and blackened. This eternal flame is that which I seek, not to destroy, but to protect.
Hathor (The protector)
I knew that hathor was Egyptian, so I did a brief net search and found that Hathor was the daughter of the sun god Ra, and was the goddess of the sky and of love, festivity, and beauty. As a goddess fertility as well, she embodied nature. There many pictures that show Hathor with the head of a cow. Her son was Horus, but she gave him up to Isis. She later married Horus. I felt that she was protecting the Earth and when I found this picture on the net, it symbolized what I felt
6: 44 a.m. I saw a dark shadowy figure lurking as if it were waiting for something or someone. It had two arms, two legs and a head, but no real physically defined form or features and it stood about ten feet high. I felt that it was the predator that stalks the female, (this eternal light that Hathor was talking about) that has the DNA that is the true source and not of it. That which is of it, still needs that from which it came in order to exist, while that which is it, is the eternal flame…
7:00 a.m. I saw a woman tied hand and foot, standing spread eagle, tied to two pillars, like in the King Kong movie. This Ape like creature that I described before was behind her waiting for her to die in order to capture her essence of which 80% had been destroyed or already removed.
’06 Sept 28 6:30 p.m. .....Marian was doing her banking on line and we got onto the topic of banking cards and she said that it was easy to set up an account on line and that all I needed to have was my bank card number and name and then when you log on, you select a password and you set up your account.
I said, “So if I don’t have an internet account already and I lost my bank card and someone found it, they could open up a net account and have access to my bank account?”
She said, “No they would have to have your password.”
I replied, “But they do, they are the ones that have my card with my name and they are the ones that set up the account and they also set the password.”
She then stated rather firmly, ” No, they couldn’t use your account as they can’t take money out or transfer funds to any account but to your accounts. 
After a few more minutes of going around in circles, and her saying that I wasn’t listening to her, I realized that we weren’t on the same page. She was actually talking about them not being able to transfer my money to their account, or paying their bills, as both would be traced and that you can only do transfers to other personal accounts you have. While I… was talking about a crook being able to open and set up an account if he found my bank card… I told her that but it didn’t sink in.
’06 Sept 27 Thursday .... Tonight I saw a pale blue orb, about the size of an egg, at the top of the stairs. At first I though it was by eyes and one of those retained retina images. But as I walked past it to go down the stairs, it remained in the same position, although my body and eyes were moving. What and who is it? I don’t know yet…but I will. I do feel that it is one of my guides and I keep getting it’s Astrid.
’06 Sept 27 ..... Wednesday 10:00 a.m. Marian was talking about her grandmother and how she died and that the death certificate said that she died of Alzheimer’s and pneumonia. Marian said that she felt that she also suffered from depression. I said, “She didn’t suffer from depression, but that she suffered as a result of her continued denial of why she was depressed and the secrets she was keeping.” Marian shrugged her shoulder and changed the subject.
I felt that depression was common in Marian’s family as her grandmother, mother and she has it. I feel that Marians depression is due in part to her being the only and (lonely) child as her mother, Rose was very distant and rarely expressed any real emotions and Marians dad, Jock, was a mans man and that mean a stiff upper lip and no show of emotion either. Rose had a rough childhood and never healed her issues, so she brought Marian up in the only what she knew how which wasn’t though a display of real emotions and love, but by buying her love, like new clothes, or things or eating out. 
When I married Marian, she had to have the best of everything and while I couldn’t afford to give her the things she wanted, her mother could and did. Marian was just responding to old habits and her belief of what love was. She became depressed after Bryan was born as she now felt that she didn’t have the freedom to do what she wanted to do, or to have the things she wanted as now she was also responsible for feeding, clothing an caring for a child.
She was accustomed to getting and doing what she wanted and when she entered the unknown territory of motherhood, she found that it was taking away her comfort and happiness, instead of adding to it. She was running on her old programs and beliefs that said, new things brought happiness and when she didn't get it, she became depressed. At the time, neither of us knew what was really going on and we trusted the Doctors. 
She still believes what her Doctors told her over the years that she is suffering from bi-polar, manic depression among other things, brought on by a chemical imbalance in her brain. To Marian, the problem is outside herself and not her or within her, or if it is within her, it is only what the doctors have told her regarding a chemical imbalance.
’06 Sept 26 4:30 p.m. Gary was home as he took a day off of work because of his sore big toe on his right foot, gout. I went to the Salvati0on Army and picked up a swivel chair for the desk I bought a few days ago. When I came back Gary was gone and Marian was spraying the whole house with febreze, creating a smell that was a mix between Raid and Tide and it made me nauseous. She was saying that she had to spray as Gary had a smell about him that she didn’t like. I didn’t “smell” anything but I felt an evil and unloving presence. I was tired and wanted a brief rest, so I went to my room, shut the door, blocked the draft under the door and opened the window.
11:30 p.m. I was trying to think and feel what this evil was and although it’s around Gary.. I also feel that it has something to do with Marian. After the Febreze mix smell dissipated, I was able to smell a overpowering sickly sweet fragrance like the strong smell of honey as when you put your nose right up to it and inhale it a few times.
'06 Sept 26 ....The male sex organs are an outward expression of love of giving, while the female sex organs are an inward expression of love, of receiving. The outward expression is also how we express ourselves to others while in the inward is how we express and relate to ourselves. The penis is an extension of the Body when love, passion and desire are felt AND also when rage, anger and lust are felt. Both presently operate unloving in a state of denial to get high or a fix off of the 2nd chakra energy. This 2nd chakra or sacral energy has a different feel to it and a different energy and experience than the Survival chakra energy but it is just as powerful in its own way. 
Again, men are the sexual predicators (vampires) that feed off of this energy and their favorite “food” is women that are of love essence but in denial. It’s not only men, but women also feed off of men that are love essence in denial and men off of men and women off of women in gay/lesbian relationships… whatever is vulnerable and their preference is what they use, food is food. That also ties in to what I said earlier about “good and evil” and how opposites attract and how love essence in denial thinks that having sex with an unloving essence in anger and rage is love, meanwhile it’s just an unloving rage fuck.
’06 Sept 26 Tuesday.....I was thinking of what Janno said in his post that he was gay because at the age of five, he was watching ballet and he liked the men in tights. I posted a reply, but then got to thinking more of why and what attracted a little five year old boy to ballet and men in tights. It wasn’t the ballet or the men in tights that he was attracted to but the freedom of movement that the body of the dancers expressed. They danced and moved their body not only to the sound and vibration of the music, but also to what they were feeling at the time…in the moment. And while the whole dance was choreographed, they still put their feelings and emotions into the dance.
The dance was also more…of moving with a partner that was moving in their own space and time and in their individual style, but yet in unison, in partnership with another or others on the stage. 
Sound has vibration and is expressed through music and although music is structured, it can also be expressed in unlimited forms and ways. But in order for music to have life, to have presence, the instruments must be played with emotion, passion and desire. Also related is voice and singing, and again, feeling, emotion and desire, give the vocal sound life.
’06 Sept 22 Friday 4:00 a.m.
I went to reply to a post by jannokas, and was activated into my issues of being a teacher or rather of having a student. Here is my post.
Healing is never just one way...
Well now it's my turn to be activated. Thanks
In another thread, you saying that I was a master didn't activate me, but you saying that you are my student did. I never thought of it that way and although I want to share what I have found and teach others how to also experience it for themselves, I never really felt the implications of that. Someone calling me a teacher doesn't get me going but someone saying they are a student does, as I feel that that implies that I am somehow responsible for their being able to absorb what I am sharing and that they can use the information to empower themselves. If they fail, I feel that means that I'm a failure in that I wasn't right, didn't say it right, and missed something so they didn't understand me and is the reason they failed..... Hummmm?
So what are the imprints, programs and beliefs that I still have that say that I'm responsible for another’s success and happiness if they put their trust in me... in my words.... in my ideals.... in my hopes dreams and desires for a New World?
Later, I was talking with my friend Jen on the phone and told her about this and as she was sharing what she was picking up, I was feeling all sorts of past life issues come up and I was becoming emotional.. feeling mainly heartbreak. Where I had the power to change what was, but I failed... and as a result, those that I was trying to help also experienced the unrealized ideas and it all went into lost hopes, dreams and desires. I failed for many reasons, but the most important one was my un-awareness of the power of my denials and what they were creating. In this life time I am becoming aware of the power of denial and its "negative" power to not create life, happiness joy, abundance, and peace, but rather to control, manipulate and ultimately destroy it bit by bit.
There's more.. a lot more.. but this is a start and I thank you for making me aware of yet another issue I was unaware of and that I need and want to heal...
So... thanks...... Teacher..
’06 Sept 23 Saturday 11;30 a.m. Since Marian hasn’t been feeling the pain in her back, she’s been on a high, getting rid of her old clothes, getting new ones. She complains about not having money but she went out today and spent $500.00 on a new pair of glasses as the others were almost two years old and out of style. When she’s on this high, there is no stopping or talking to her as what she wants, she gets. Later, when she comes down and her world begins to fall apart she’ll be depressed as now she has to pay for all these things.
1:26 p.m This morning Marian came downstairs and said that this is the first morning in a long time that she had no pain when she got up. I replied that this is the first morning that she’s feeling no pain, as I felt that the pain was still there but that she was unable or numb to feeling it.
’06 Sept 20 Wed I spoke to my brother Dave tonight and he was saying that he was going to the hospital next Tuesday to get the cancer tumor on his back removed, BUT that he also had to have more blood tests as his white blood cell count was not good and that he might have Leukemia… I never mentioned this before but his wife, Debbie, died of colon cancer two or three years ago. He has three sons that are grown and married and he’s been looking at getting some acreage outside of Regina for a change of pace. Some change of pace.
Insight on my Truck repairs
’06 Sept 21 Thursday, I dropped the trunk off at 8:00 a.m. and I went for a coffee. By the time I came back at 8:45 a.m. the truck was finished and it cost me $93.21 in total... just 1/2 hour shop time... Says a lot for Canadian Tire... aka… Crappy Tire
Well... that's not really what this post is about as I later realized that these links that were broken on my truck are also links that are broken on me. The links joined the upper stabilizer bar to the lower control arm of the suspension system that ultimately controls my connection to the road and my ability to move in the direction I want to. In relating that to me personally, I feel that I need to repair my "links" to my spiritual plane stabilizer bar and to what keeps me secure to the Earth plane. There are two links, left and right, Soul and Spirit, female and Male. I feel that these links are more for balance between these two aspects of my being so that when one is affected, the other is there to help return everything to centre and balance.
"It is as a river that man channels the energies of life through him and if he were to watch and listen, he would see that his outer reality is as much a reflection of his inner reality as he chooses to see and hear."
Besides survival chakra energy and its desire for Life, there is also our sacral chakra energy and our desire for love.
’06 Sept 22 Friday 4:00 a.m. I was thinking of my brother Dave tonight and how he’s spent his whole life sacrificing himself to make others happy and now that he finally get to do what he wants, his life is being threatened by cancer.
’06 Sept 20 Wednesday With experience comes understanding and knowing…. And in applying your understanding and knowing comes wisdom and more experience..
3:35 a.m. I awoke from a dream/vision that a UFO released a magnetic object in space near Earth and it was attracting all the space junk and like a magnet, this junk was sticking to it. It was not only attracting space debris, but also attracting and at the same time, disabling all military satellites and weapons, or satellites that had a military or spy function. The Hubble telescope was reprogrammed to look only into space and not towards Earth. Weather satellites still functioned but were also re-programmed to provide information only on the weather.
The object and its collection of space objects became huge as it gathered more and more of these military satellites and weapons. It could be seen from Earth as a small moon in the sky. Even the space station was attracted to the magnetic object. It was shut down and all abroad were taken off by a shuttle that had come up on another mission but when all this started happening and the space station starting moving toward the object; they retrieved them and returned to Earth.
’06 Sept 16 I've been hearing a "clunk" in my front end for the past few months but I could never find the problem as it was a intermittent. As I turned into a parking spot I heard it again and this time I found the source. Turns out that both my links that connect my stabilized bar to the lower control arm were broken, not only broken, but they looked as if they had been broken and rusted off for a long time... I just had a ball joint replaced and a front end alignment by CANADIAN TIRE in the Maritimes and they never said a word... I happened to be in a Woodstock mall and there was a Canadian Tire store near by so I went in and asked for a quote on getting it fixed...The Saturday service rep said it was three hours ($80.00/hr) plus parts around $100... I looked at him and questioned the three hours as there were only two nuts on each link and they were fully exposed? He was adamant about the three hours shop time. I told him no thanks.
As I left, I was planning to do the job myself as my Marian had some tools. As I was driving home, I spotted an Auto Parts store a few block from CTC and got a quote for under $50.00 for the parts tax included.
’06 Swept 17 I posted > Opposite points of View
And also >The Croc Hunter and Survival Chakra energy
’06 Sept 19 Tuesday. I took Marian to the hospital this morning to get an epidermal in her back as she has been suffering from back pain for quit a while.
It finally stopped raining this afternoon so I thought I’d try to get the old links out of my truck. I figured that if I could get the old parts out, it would be no problem getting the new ones put in. It turned out that while my Marian had some sockets, they were not deep enough to hold the bolt and I eventually gave up a went to a small Auto repair shop half way between Canadian Tire and the Auto Parts store. I gave Dan the info and he quoted me $70.00/hr labour (max one hour) plus parts. I agreed and made an appointment for Thursday morning.
’06 Sept 15 Good and Evil: This war has been going on since the beginning of Creation. That which is love, calls that which is unloving evil. That which is unloving calls that which is love, evil. It’s a stalemate…or so we have been lead to believe.
The stalemate is only valid and maintained as long as we that are of love essence deny ourselves. When we are in the state of denial, we reverse a part of our energy polarity and become in essence, an unloving doer of evil; thinking, behaving and acting in the same way that unloving essence does and thusly, falsely believing that love is evil… Dah! What a joke, a cosmic joke that really isn’t very funny.
Love essence is the only essence that can end this battle by the acceptance of the presence of denial within us and thereby ending our denial of self that creates the polarity reversal of our essence. Unloving essence can only deny and can only accept denial and the presence of denial in love essence. It is incapable of moving past its imprints, programs and beliefs. The constant battle between good and evil has gone on without change or the ability of either side to see a way to end this conflict until now and love has, and is the KEY. Now there is a way to end this conflict. And a New Light is anchoring here on Earth and is moving out to affect all of creation.
Tonight I got an e-mail from my brother in law that prompted me to post >>> Australia - Canada --- Christian Rednecks.. eh!
I haven’t spoken to Jen since I left, although I have tried to call her a few times. I’ve left messages and even told her to call my cell number when she is able to talk and that I’d call her back on Skype… but she hasn’t done that either.. Right now I feel what’s the use? I haven’t called Irene as I keep getting that she is not open to my call.
The past few days I’ve been having a barrage of private e-mails and questions from Experts. I’ve also been doing a lot of posting on a form or message board called Spiritual Awareness.
There has been this one 21 year old gay guy that I’ve been talking with. I’ll give you the link if you are interested or actually two links as he jumped from one thread to another…The first thread is > Spiritual Awareness > Questions & Answer > I desperately need some advice, please.
And the second one is > Spiritual Awareness > Questions & Answers > Unusual Question
I’m also going to give you another link where the thread was terminated by the board owner Lisa, that I had met a few years ago. That thread is called > Spiritual Awareness > Community > Emotionally, mentally, spiritually.... wore out!!
Well I finally posted them on my message board.. this post will give you the links
’06 Sept 12 Tuesday I received another e-mail from Bonnie and she was trying to clear up what she called a misunderstanding from our previous e-mail. I felt that she was back in her “denial mode” by dumping all unwanted emotions in a well and forgetting about them, that she told me that she used to do and now she mentioned that she has also been encouraging her husband to do the same… I was blunt and to the point saying that what she was doing now, was not what we did in the regression and to not try to tell me that she was following my advice or methods. I also told her that she was saying one thing and doing another and that if that was her choice, I wasn’t going to try to get her to change her mind. That was the last time I heard from her….
Today I posted Fear and Denial and also Fear, denial, and activation
’06 Sept 13 Wednesday. It seems that everywhere I go I activate people. When I got home, Marian told me that Gary didn’t like me sleeping on his futon and that he wanted it back. When he had heard that I was going to be visiting, he told Marian that I could use his futon (that was in storage) and it was put on the floor in the spare bedroom. When Marian heard his demand, she was going to go out and but a new futon, but I told her no problem as I had an air mattress that I could sleep on until he moved out at the end of the month and I got the mattress out of my camping supplies.
Today I posted the insights that I got with Irene’s activation called, Fear, denial, activation and Insights
I talked with Marian about rent and how much she wanted. I had checked the paper and there were several rooms with cable, internet and laundry going for $300.00/month She said it would be less than that but didn’t say how much.
A couple of days ago, I noticed that Gary had stashed a 24 of beer beside the fridge and a new gallon jug of whiskey in the corner of the dining room. Today there were only 12 beer left and the gallon was down to less than 2/3‘s. If Gary is home after supper, Marian lets him watch the TV in the living room while she uses the one in her bedroom. I don’t watch TV as I’m on the computer, but when I go down to the kitchen, I see him watching TV in the dark with a drink in his hand. This guy is an alcoholic.
’06 Sept 10 Sunday 8:35 a.m. I was thinking of similarities and differences and I was trying to expand these two polarity concepts to see if there was link between them and Spirit and Soul…. By that I mean, is the…. As I began I realized that it’s all relative… I was going to say that feelings are activated by things that are similar, that happened before and that remind us of something else, but then I realized that at the same time we can also feel different, outside of, not belonging…. So we drift between both polarities… So now what?
As I was typing this piece for my Blog I realized that even though feeling different, outside of , not belonging may appear to be of a DIFFERENT polarity, they are in fact still part of the SIMILAR polarity in that this feeling is still similar to what we had experienced before… (scratching me head) Hummm. I feel I’m going around in circles.
3:30p.m. I was washing my clothes and watching TV with Marian when I noticed her right foot moving and that her toes were moving in an erratic pattern. I commented on it and she said that she has always had that and that it was restless foot syndrome. I replied that if you were younger, that you would have been diagnosed was having ADD. She relied that the Doctors have said that there is a link between the two and as a child she probably had it but wasn’t diagnosed with it.
4:30 p.m. I called my brother Dave this afternoon; he said that he had been expecting my call. We chatted briefly about him buying some acreage outside Regina and how the deal fell through. He also told me that he was going into the hospital as they did a biopsy on the tissues they removed from his back a couple of months ago and found that it was all cancer and that they would need to do surgery again. This cancer growth is on his back, behind his heart… What ticks me off is that it took so long for the biopsy to be completed when they know they are dealing with a life and death situation and that ever hour counts. and then there is also no rush to get the surgery done either.
I finally got hooked up to Marian’s internet and so I posted my first Blog entry in almost a month.
’06 Sept 09 Saturday I was thinking of Gary not wanting me here, yet we have hardly spoken to each other and when we did discuss things like the 9/11 cover-up we were in basic agreement. Marian was telling me that Gary also has issues with his girl friends daughter who is living with her. He said that he was pissed off that his girlfriend put her daughter ahead of him. I feel that he only reason that he came here was because Marian was alone. I realized that he is afraid of groups that include more than one person. It’s a competition and control issue as when it’s one-on-one with a woman there’s no problem and he’s a smooth talker. And part of the reason that Marian wants someone here is that she is afraid to be alone.
I went to a local coffee house that had wireless internet and I checked my e-mail. Bonnie the woman that I did a regression and healing with e-mailed me today. From what she said, she was glad to have had someone that she could express her emotions with and that her husband Rick wasn’t ready to do that with her and that he has feelings and emotions that he also needs to express. It’s Ironic that here the two of them are living together, have similar issues and desires, yet unable to work together to help each other heal their wounds.
’06 Sept 07 After breakfast I went downtown to see if there were any New Age stores in Woodstock. I walked down main street and found four Christian book store and two Christian missionary stores but not one New Age or even close….. It’s like the Maritimes….even worse!!!! It’s a clean little town….actually it’s a small city. As I drove though town I thought of the movie “Pleasantville” where everyone was nice and pleasant but unreal, ignorant and in denial. I know that when I attended my daughters wedding here I felt a lot of phony presentation smiles and niceness with a dark undercurrent much like what I experienced in the Maritimes…
When I came back I talked to Marian about this bible thumping town ands she agreed and said that she thought that it was mostly protestant. I checked the phone book and of the more than 50 churches, Baptists and Anglicans have the most with only three Catholic churches… the rest are other protestant denominations… Marian also mentioned that she goes to church to socialize…Hummm?
’06 Sept 08 I had gone to visit my daughter Janice last night and I told her that I was thinking of returning to Barrie to get a room there as Marian already had a border and that there really wasn’t the space for three separate people sharing a house, as Gary had the exclusive use of the upstairs bathroom and that I was to use the guest bathroom by the front entrance and to use her ensuite bathroom to shower at night.
Friday, I drove to London today to look for New Age shops there… I was surprised as London has over 385,000 people, a far cry from the last time I visited it twenty-five years ago. I found one shop but the woman was pretty aloof. It was in the older part of the City on Dundas St. that had a little bit of everything going on, drugs, homeless people, prostitutes, gays, bikers, gangs and poor but also some affluent people.
When I got back from London, Marian told me that Gary had called her on the phone and told her that he wasn’t happy with me being there and wanted to know when I was leaving. She told him that I stayed a week last time but she didn’t know. He said that wasn’t acceptable and she told him that if he didn’t like it that he could move out. He told her that he’d out at the end of the month. He also complained that the fridge needed to be turned up because his beer wasn’t cold enough. She told him to stuff it. I told Marian of my plans to leave on Monday but that now, if he’s leaving and if she was still renting out the room, that I’d take it for a few months. She said that I was welcome to stay and so here I am… my new home …Woodstock Ontario
’06 Sept 06 Wednesday
When I had arrived and was camping out at Irenes, I told Jen I’d probably be leaving mid week but I wasn’t sure if I was leaving late Wednesday or Thursday, but as Jen and Cory were discussing their separate plans for the day… that they never told me about, I decided to pack up and leave. I suddenly felt excluded and un-welcome as they had their day already planned… without me. I felt that the whole purpose of my visiting with them was so that we could spend some time together and while I spoke with Jen a bit, I hardly spoke with Cory. I know they also have a life and it’s not like they have to babysit me or spend all their free time with me, but it would be nice to know what was going on so that I could also make plans, but then again, I could have asked and I didn’t.
I also felt an un-easy-ness with them this morning as if something had been said between them during the night but that they didn't want to talk about it. I had stated my views on the "benifit" to them and on all the "stuff" that was going on in and around it and I felt that they felt that I wasn't really a nice guy and happy for my friend or understanding how people were only trying to help and be nice and kind. I also didn’t say anything then (more denial) and decided to roll up my sleeping bag and say farewell and heard for Woodstock.
When I was still in the Maritimes, my ex-wife, Marian had invited me to stay at her place in Woodstock. I called her on my cell phone and slowly made my way down through Barrie, Newmarket, and Richmond Hill, then onto the 401 to Woodstock. Traffic was heavy and I went through three thunder storms and arrived around 5:00 p.m. I met Gary, a border that she had taken in a few weeks back and as she was preparing to leave to go to a meeting, I just brought a few things in and made myself comfortable in the spare bedroom. I called my daughter, Janice who also lives in town and then had a shower. I briefly talked to Marian when she came home and went to bed around 9:30 p.m. as I was tired.
Before I went to sleep I wrote the following in my journal.
I feel lost and alone. I feel that Irene is gone for now and that Jen and Cory are busy doing their thing. Even before my visit I hardly talked to Jen as she never answered her phone or returned my calls. I feel she’s kind of distant. While we still have things in common, she talks like we’re not even on the same page. She says she has experienced all these things yet she doesn’t apply them in her life. She says that I infuriate her in that I don’t let her finish and that I interrupt her and that my questions are not important as we are really talking about the same thing.
For me, she says one thing and I challenge her as it’s the opposite of what is really true, and she reverses herself and then says that that was what she said, or meant to say and that if I hadn’t of interrupted her, that I would have found that out… It’s a replay of what happened between us six years ago when I had my awakening and she was doing the same thing… When I challenged her that time, and spoke the truth of what she was denying, she also called me evil and unloving and asked me to leave and I never spoke to her for two years after that.
Hummm? I wonder what all this means? It’s like I’m caught in a time warp and while there is movement, there is no “real” movement or healing present…
‘06 Sept 05 Tuesday.
Cory was at work so Jen and I chatted until she asked if I wanted to go into Penetang as she wanted to get a watch band sized for Cory. As we were coming out of the jewelry shop Jen bumped into an acquaintance of hers and we had a chat in the mall for a good hour before it was decided that I’d do a regression with Bonnie.
Jen had to go home so I went back to the house with Jen and picked up my truck and drove back to the Mall to pick up Bonnie and a computer she was having repaired. We went to her place and we spent another hour another hour or so talking about Wicca and witchcraft and other stuff that she was into. We finally went into the regression that lasted for almost two hours and when she came out she had a new perspective on love and denial. It was around 5:30 p.m. when we ended the session and we were in the kitchen, chatting about the regression when her husband, Rick, came home from work. I could feel he was confused and also disturbed that I was there, but as Bonnie was talking and filling him in on what we had been doing, I felt no need to justify my being there even if it made him feel uneasy. On the way back to Jens, I grabbed some take out as both Jen and Cory weren’t home.
9:00 p.m. Jen came home from her last meditation class and asked me if I wanted to do a word association game. I looked up from writing in my journal and said no, that I wasn’t feeling good and she asked me what was wrong, what’s attacking me? I never thought of that, I was thinking it was the “take out” food that I ate… I scanned my energy field and felt two people, the first was Irene… she was attacking me because she was pissed off that I was healthy and not sick like her and that AI didn’t understand. The second was Rick, Bonnie’s husband and I felt that he had put some kind of hex or spell on me like Bonnie told me he did to a co-worker that was giving him a hard time. I send both energies back to where they belonged and in a few minutes, I began to feel better.
Cory came home a few minutes later and said that uncle had died un-expectantly and that the funeral was on Saturday Sept 8. Jen commented that Theresa, who was planning this benefit for her called to say that she was helping her parents move to the cottage on Saturday but that she would be there Saturday night for the benefit. Angelia was working most of Saturday, so if Cory wasn’t there either, then who was left to set up the hall? I felt it wasn’t going to happen and that it was all beginning to unravel.
’06 Sept 02 Saturday.
The morning coffee and chat with Irene was rather quiet, She went to rest and I moved my tent to a new spot so that it wouldn’t kill the grass, I decided to go to Baum Beach and get some sun as there was a break in the weather. I had Chinese food before I returned to Irene’s and it was that night that I activated her with the dog. See Blog Denial and Fear
‘06 Sept 03 Sunday.
My unexpected departure from Irene and Dave’s put a "ka bosh" in my plans, as I was supposed to spend a few days with Jen and Cory before I made my way to Woodstock to spend a few days at my ex-wifes and to see my daughter Janice and Mark her husband, but they had gone away for the long weekend and wouldn't be back until late Monday afternoon. After breakfast I spent some time in town before making my way to a regional forestry area. I was going to camp out but decided to spend the night in my truck as it had begun to rain again and my tent was wet.
‘06 Sept 04
After spending a quiet night in the woods, I made my way back to town and after breakfast at McDonalds. There was obese, boisterous woman talking to four of her friends, she could be heard all over the restaurant as I saw several people looking at her. A young family with two small children came in and sat between me and the woman. The youngest boy had a blue bandage on his nose and the boisterous woman asked him what happened to him? He innocently told her that he fell on the driveway and skinned his nose. The woman then began to tell him that he shouldn’t have a BLUE bandage on his nose as everyone can see it and that he is hurt and that he should have one that matched the colour of the skin on his nose… I could see the father getting ticked off but he didn’t say anything to the woman as the little boy looked up at him in bewilderment.
The woman then turned back to her friends and carried on mouthing her opinions and judgments. I can’t remember what she was talking about but at one point I looked at her and silently said “bullshit.” She momentarily stopped her verbal diarrhea as she turned to look my way. We made eye contact and she looked bewildered and as I felt she heard what I said. She then she shook he head, turned to her friends, who were also looking my way and then carried on as if nothing had happened.
I spent the next few hours at the lake in the centre of town. I took the opportunity to take some picture and to dry out my tent. I made my way to Jen and Cory’s around 5:30 p.m.
As Cory was out, Jen and I chatted a few hours catching up on our major experiences since the last time we met in person was last fall. We also discussed the up-coming benefit for her that was being held this Saturday Sept 9. The hall and entertainment was already booked and tickets were on sale. She was tired and by 10:00 p.m. said good night and I crawled into my sleeping back on the futon.
’06 Sept 01 Friday,
Jen called Irene this morning saying that she found out about the benefit that Theresa and Angelia were planning for her. It seems that Theresa and Angelia got Cory to give them Jen’s personal phone book which contained Jen’s family phone numbers and that they had called them telling them what they were planning.
Jen’s mother and Vic were not happy as they said that it gives others the impression that they are not doing anything for Jen. Jen’s brother was upset that the phone numbers were given out and that they were contacted for charity and that his pride was hurt. He even offered to pay the whole tuition if that was what Jen wanted, but he didn’t want Jen to be a charity case.
Theresa and Angelia blamed Jens family for wanting to spoil Jens life and the family wants Theresa and Angelia to stay out of the family business. Jens boyfriend Cory is stuck in the middle in that he feels inadequate that he can’t give Jen what she wants and he’s torn between Jens friends and her family. He’s in no man’s land. Jen is also stuck in the middle as this experience is bringing up past issues with her family and friends.. What a tangled web we weave…
’06 Aug 31 Thursday.
Before I went into town today to get a vehicle emissions test and license for my truck. I had a chat with Irene about her friend that is manic and bi-polar that took off for four days without telling anyone where she was going. The family had called Irene yesterday to see if she knew where she was or could be, but Irene didn’t know. Irene was worried and began making phone calls as she knew that her friend was having marriage problems and that they were separating.
I told Irene what I was picking up on her friend and that she was using this to get attention so that her family would worry, and that she in effect was feeding off them, off of their worry and concern. Later that night I heard Irene slam the phone down. I asked her what’s up and she said it was her friend, that she just came home and that she was laughing and thought it funny that everyone was looking for her and that they were worried, and that she had been at a Motel having a good time for the past four days…Irene couldn’t believe that she or anyone could do something like that.
’06 Aug 30 Wednesday.
This morning I took Irene into a meditation where she touched being beaten by her parents and of not talking for five years. I mentioned it in my blog http://saysame-on.blogspot.com/ http://saysame-on.blogspot.com/2006/09/fear-and-denial.html After the meditation, she was tired and she went to have a rest.
While I was camping out at Irene’s and Dave’s I had gone into town to see Jen and Cory a couple of times. Jen had told me that a mutual acquaintance, Theresa, had asked to see me so and on Wednesday, after Irene went to have a lay down, I dropped in at Theresa’s place of work. As I walked though the door I was surprised to see Cory there. As it turns out, Theresa and another acquaintance, Angela, were planning a surprise benefit for Jen on Sept.8 to raise money to send her to college to take a two year Yoga course which is something that Jen has said she enjoys and would like to do. Theresa asked me what I think..... Wrong... to ask me what I think...if you're expecting me to agree with you… if I don't...
I replied saying that while you may think that you are kind and loving, what you are doing to Jen is neither kind or loving and you are actually dis-empowering her and at the same time putting tremendous pressure on her. You know that she has a hard enough time as it is extending herself to do things for others and then suffers for days or weeks to get her strength back. This yoga course is a weekly commitment, even it is just two days a week but it's also starting in two weeks and she is still recouping from her last outing. Also if she misses a couple of weeks, she'll be behind and that will also put even more pressure on her. She, with guilt help, will push herself even more, because to her, it was a loving gift and she doesn't want to disappoint her friends who gave it to her.
I said there is no love in this gift, just phony niceness and kindness pretending to be love.... Also, if it is your and Angela’s idea, then both of you do it, give her the money as a gift and let it be her choice and don't expect everyone else to dig in their pockets to make your dream and expectation for Jen come true. Yes, Jen does a lot of things for a lot of people but there is no love in it as she sacrifices herself to please others. She will push herself to the point of exhaustion to make other people happy at her expense (self-sacrifice) and there is the love in that.
They were shocked at my reply but insisted that what they were doing was loving and that a lot of people would support their cause. I didn't pursue it any farther as they had their mind made up and their asking me for my opinion was an attempt to get me to agree with them and reinforce their agenda and nothing more. To read more about Yoga click on the following link > Wikipedia Yoga <
’06 Aug 28 Monday 1:30 a.m.
I awoke thinking how kindness and niceness are virtues of the Spirit Polarity, the angels who denied their Will and instead, substituted a false Will. A false Will of kindness, niceness, charity, long suffering, self-sacrifice, and all the adjectives used to describe what it would take for one to love unconditionally if it were not for our emotions, ego, or the fact that we are frail humans whose body can’t take or provide us what we desire… Trouble is that they don’t live by their rules, they just make them for other who foolishly try to live by. Those that have a Will, have “real” feelings and emotions where they feel they are wrong or lacking if they don’t meet the denial based expectations of the Angels and Spirit Polarity…
These Spirit polarity angels are denial Spirits and they only put on an act to portray the “illusion” of love. “The worlds a stage and we are but players upon it” that’s a part truth in that nothing or very little of what we call reality is real, but is in essence…denial based.
I just thought of the Dalai Lama and if he is the 14th incarnate, and if the essence of the Lama’s purpose is to meditate and seek insights whereby one could escape the confines of physical life and is able to obtain enlightenment, then the question is, if physical life is what he is trying to avoid, why does he keep coming back? I guess he hasn’t “got it” yet or he wouldn’t be here. (As I was typing this I did a quick search and found this site.)
’06 Aug 27 Sunday… I was thinking of Jen and that she’s not like the old Jen I knew, but yet she is, in a physical sense she is. What I mean is, that she doesn’t seem to be coming form the same place she once did with the same desire and passion she once had. It’s like she’s either lost something or given up on something, maybe herself.
>>> I feel that I need to give you a little background before I get into the next part of my journey as you are probably thinking who in the hell is Jen. I met Jen in 1997 by dialing a wrong phone number. We instantly hit it off and were soon talking for hours on the phone. We learned to do all of the tools that I presently use and she was the one that triggered many of levels of healing in me, including the one I previously shared a link to, regarding my terror of knives. She was also instrumental in my awakening in 2000.
She was 27 when I met her and ever since she was 14, she had been diagnosed with chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, environmental sensitivities and the list goes on. She was basically house bound, on disability, living alone, and at times unable to look after herself other than her very basic needs. A couple of years ago she met Cory who has helped her a lot but she is still in her self-sacrifice, denial and guilt mode (my observation... she says judgment) by over-extending herself when she has energy and even when she doesn't, just so that she will not disappoint others and then she needs to spend days in bed recouping until the next episode. OK, enough said as I feel that sets the stage so to speak for what comes next. <<<
Hummm? So getting back to what’s changed about her. While she’s involved in reading different books and in all these different experiences that she says are healing and growth, I don’t feel that she has really grown or healed. I do feel that these experiences can be opportunities for healing and growth but that she is missing their real value by still being nice and kind as abuses herself for others and also for a false sense of pride. In that if she is sick, she doesn’t want others to feel sorry for her so she pretends that she is OK and does it anyway until she can’t physically pretend anymore. She will then negate her denials by say that she was having too much fun and that she just over did it. When I’d challenge her on that she’d get defensive and say that she knew what she was doing but that she also knew she would have a few days to rest up…. so it was OK.. I’d reply that there was no love or fun in denying and causing your body to be in intentional pain. From there we just seemed to go around in circles…
I've been busy with other aspects of this blog and I was going to skip most of the following material and only pick out what I felt was important, but then I realized that it’s all an important part of my journey and that it's these subtle little issues and nuances, that if seen and heard, offer insights to the bigger issues and of things to come... It wasn't until I was reading my journal and spotted the message I got on Sept 20, that this became evident, so as you will see, I have some backtracking to do. Now my Blog will be more of a “life” journal, than “like” a journal.
When I read the last sentence, I thought it was a typo but then I read it again and decided that it wasn’t a typo… so I just added the quotation marks and I’m leaving it as is. It has a whole different feeling and meaning and maybe, this is a change in the way I'll be Blogging. As you read these seemingly simple "getting on with life" posts you'll begin to see how they are preparing me for what is to come. That these posts are also related to the posts I had alrady made on politics, religion and the Croc hunter, including the updates... I'm going to try to get caught up by the end of the month and then October should be a more flowing and easier to follow.
Now here is the message.
’06 Sept 20 >>>"It is as a river that man channels the energies of life through him and if he were to watch and listen, he would see that his outer reality is as much a reflection of his inner reality as he chooses to see and hear."<<<
(Continued from two opposite points of view)
'06 Sept 17 7:00 a.m. I awoke, hearing the sound of a man talking. There was no one else in the room and even though I was fully awake and conscious, I continued to hear and feel what he was saying. It was loud and clear and I also recognized the voice as that of Steve Irwin, the Croc Hunter. He was talking to someone in his Auzie accent saying, "This snake isn't as much fun now as when he was younger. I had more fun taunting him back then as he would get his back up but didn't have the smarts to hurt me. He was a feisty little one then; now he's more mellow and calm, but a lot more dangerous." I could also feel his excitement of past experiences and what he was feeling now as he was handling the snake he was talking about.
I flashed back to Darryls blog and thought to myself, here's another one that gets his kicks from causing another (in this case an animal) to be in fear and having to defend itself to the point of it being an act of survival and attacking its attacker. Where is the sport and fun in that? No, I should ask, where is the love in that? I then flashed back to what I felt when I heard Steve talking a moment ago.
I then realiozed that that's the kind of energy that Steve Irwin was feeding off of, the thrill and excitement of the chase of an animal that had the potential to hurt and/or even kill him, but he, having the smarts to know how and when to avoid being harmed or killed when the animal attacked in self-defence. He provoked and intimidated an animal to the point that it felt it's life was being threatened. It's survival instincts kick in and it turns around and attacks, but he cleverly dodges away as he holds the animal at bay, yet not letting it get away from him. The larger or more dangerous the animal, the greater the rush he felt when it finally turned on him after he had it corned with no way to escape.
If he couldn't corner and intimidate an animal to trigger its survival energy, he would use another technique which was the use of food to bait and entice the animal, such as a croc, to come out of its natural and protective environment. Once out, he would tempt and tease the animal, presenting the food and then taking it away, to the point of making the animal desperate to get at the food. The animals desperate desire for food is also linked to its desire for life, for without food, it would die, Here again, he was triggering the animals survival instinct and by denying the animal the food, he increased the animals desire for it. It was this "desire for life" energy that Steve sought. 
There was no love for animals in this man and the only affection he did show was a phoney presentation pose for pictures with baby animals or non-threatening species where he felt safe. (As I'm writing this I'm really seeing a whole another side of people, he was actually afraid and a coward) He'd pet and kiss the animal as his way of pretending to be nice and loving, but all the while he was also "feeding" off of the animals survival energy, even if the animal was a baby. How you ask? The animal didn't come to him willingly, he'd pick it up and handled it (controlling) and when it resisted....bingo...feeding time for big Steve and time to put on the act. Getting recognized and a TV show was even more food for Irwin as now he was also feeding off the people that were his "captive" audience. (And I have to say here that I WAS one of them) 
He showed his true colours the time he took his baby into a croc pen and began enticing a huge croc to come out of the water to get the food he was dangling from his hand, while he was holding his child in his other arm. It's one thing to endanger your life; it's quite another to endanger someone else's, especially a child that has no choice and can't protect itself. That display of cold hearted, indifference toward his child was an example of him showing his true colours, nature and character.
During the years of his "Croc Hunter" escapades, he'd been attacked and bitten a few times by the animals he was attacking, but his having fun with the sting ray on '06 Sept 04, was to be his last display of unlovingness, as he unknowing cornered it and it unexpectingly attacked him, putting its barbed tail in Irvins heart-less-ness chest.
So now the question is, just what is he? He's not a psychopathic killer as he only "toys" and "plays" with his food and doesn't kill it. So that only leaves Luciferian energy as he derives his pleasure by controlling and manipulating animals to the point that he triggers their survival chakra energy (Will to live) which is the energy he feeds on.
So now the next question is, what's the link between Steve and Darryl? In his blog, Darryl described his taxi ride as his thrill or high of a life time. While he was feeding off the fear of others, he wasn't directly in control or driving the taxi. Steve was the opposite as he was in total control of his expereinces. Hummm. OK, back tracking a bit.
Darryl likes to watch and play sports and he also referees at games. Again, he's not directly in control, but, during these games he is feeding of the energy of those that are, those that are attacking and those that are defending, like a basketball player focused on scoring or on taking the ball away from his opponents and defending his court. Darryl's taxi ride escalated him to another level. It wasn't a basketball "game" this time, it was life and death situations including the possibility of personal injury and even death. The taxi ride experience was also a triggering, and a feeding off of the survival chakra energy but it wasn't at the same level as that of Steve Irwin, as Darryl wasn't in control of other people like Steve was of the animals.
Hummm.... denial and unlovingness to a new level. Is this the link? The escalating craving and desire to experience this survival chakra energy (will to live) to a point that one will do anything to get it, even if it means personal injury or death to others and/or ones self. Are they feeling so dead inside that they need to feel the closeness of death to feel any sensation of life? And when they do get this energy, it's more like a momentary rush, an adrenalin rush, and then they crave another fix, another high that has to be higher and better than the last one. It's like a drug. Wow!... what a sad state of being that is.
John
Update: '06 Oct 17 Steve Irwins daughter Bindi Irwin to star in wildlife series
When I lived in Moncton, New Brunswick, I roomed with Darryl, a man about my age from Saskatchewan in the home of the bible thumper I've mentioned in earlier posts. He is now teaching English in Beijing, China. He has also started a blog and I was reading his newest post before I went to bed. I awoke around 3:00a.m with two separate frames of conscious experience. Not only had I felt some of his experiences in the taxi but I also experienced the feelings of those not in the taxi.. Here is the part of his blog that activated me. I'll share more after you have read this part of his blog.
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Came back on the subway and then caught a taxi from the station to the centre. This was the best one so far. First of all, you negotiate the price..2 shr 20 yuan....then we get in the 2nd cab but he is not hanging around. He's off like a rocket...off onto the main and does a U turn right at the first intersection....ignoring completely the cars coming directly at us and it would have been me that would have been hit....no problem and we are off...and he just goes. We have a red light and we do stop ....for about 5 seconds..and then we take off...I look back at Angela and sy wasn't that a red light...yes....oh well....and we going like hell...passing just about everything....trucks, big, small, bikes, motorbikes, weaving in and out....we come to a traffic jam...a truck to our right is holding up traffice behind him and a couple of cars have pulled up beside him..our guy pulls out in front of these three lanes of traffic...almost nails a motorcyclist...mutters something under his breath...pulls in front of the truck and just nonchalantly keeps right on going.....down a road with no lights and a jeep coming right at us in our lane ...jeep pulls over alongside the truck it was passing...we pull over a little to the right and pass each other....all going fairly fast...miss about 6 people who are crossing at the end of a bridge....5 make it one stays on the right side...cut in front of two buses as we are making a left hand turn and down the road to our complex....miss a 3 wheeled bike with no back lights or any reflective material at all..miss a few more people and stop in front of out place.....I pay him, shake his hand and say thanks for the best ride ever....it was a hoot...this is better than at the exhibition... We go into the store, buy 4 beer ...take it to the Canadian Club by our residences, go upstairs for a pee and are heading back down to the Club when the two people from the other cab are coming up the stairs.... What Kept Ya? HAHA
(NOTE: When he wrote the "Exhibition" he was referring to the midway rides at the Regina Exhibition in Saskatechewan)
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When I awoke I felt the adrenelin rush he was experiencing without a care or worry of another person being hurt or killed or even himself. To him, he was feeling excited and alive and that was all that mattered to him in that moment. I then flipped to the other people that were nearly run over and killed by the taxi driver. There was no excitement or thrill for them, in fact in most cases it was the opposite, sheer terror, anger and rage.
It made me wonder just who and what is this divorced guy with two grown children. He appears to be easy going and laid back, feels emotions, but anything other than happiness, he denies and just moves on anmyway. He admits he's an athiest and that this life is all there is. He's basically a nice guy that will go out of his way to help another but he has to keep busy or he goes nuts. Besides working, he plays sports, is an avid runner, ref's amature basketball and football games, reads business and political news, expresses strong political support for the conservative party (Stephen Harper is his Idol) likes to listen to music and dance, have a few drinks and get "cosy" with the ladies. He has money, not a lot but is confortable and is also working. He appears to have a good and happy life... but only when he's at full throttle. When he's at anything less, he appears to experience what others do when they can't do or have what they want or desire.
I also know that if he was nearly run over by a taxi full of Chinese tourists, that he would have an entirely different view of the experience, expressing his redneck opinions and judgments and what the government should do with them as they have no respect for our laws and customs and who they could hurt being as irresponsible as they are. Although he is an admitted athiest, he basically has the same denials and point of view as the redneck, bible thumping, lady landlord that we were living with. Dah! Come to think of it, that's why they got along so good... They both basically live by the same two part "Golden Rule" that states, "do unto others as you would have other do unto you"...and the second part is "do as I say, don't do as I do".
So now.... where is this all leading me? You'll be as surprised as I was at what I was experiencing the next time I woke up. See blog post...The Croc Hunter and Survival Chakra energy
JR
Why do Blogs work the way they do...against the flow so to speak!
What I mean is... say that over a three day period you posted three separate entries that are all related, #1 then #2 and finally #3. Fair enough, you did your part.. BUT... and this is what ticks me off. Say someone reads the post title for #3 and sees that it's a three part entry and wants to read it all. In order for them to read post #1, they have to scroll down past post#3 and #2 in order to read #1 and when they have finished reading #1 they have to scroll back up through #1, through post #2 to the beginning of #2 and then scroll down #2 to the top of #1. Then they have to scroll back up through #2 and #3 to the top of #3 and then scroll down #3 to the top of #2... THIS IS INSANE!!!! Dah!! Who is the ____ ____ that never gave this Blogging concept any practical thought or application?
I'm not a programmer but I'm sure it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how to program it so that #1 is posted first and then #2 and #3 are posted in their respective order.... BUT.... in a DOWNWARD flow or position. Meaning.... Using the same scenario, If they read the last post #3 and found that it was a three part entry, they could scroll back up to the top of post #1 and then scroll down the page to post #2 and carry on to the beginning of post #3 and to the end of the current blog... instead of all this herky jerky up and down nonsense...
The next new blog entry #4, after #3 should also, by default, open at the top of the page with the title as it does now.
Please.... PLEASE... SOMEONE..... with a little know how.... FIX THIS MESS! I guarantee you that you will have a flood of people wanting to post and read your blogs instead of the back-ass-words ones they are currently reading...
Frustrated but finally delighted to get this off my chest.
John
PS: '06 Sept 20 I can see the practicality of opening a blog page and seeing the most recent post first... and there is no problem if every post is a different topic. It's only when you have posts that are like a journal, and you are reading follow ups to pervious posts that things get "herky-jerky" as I call it. If a Blog was designed to be a "journal" on the web, you would have thunk they would have found a way to display it in a similar manner to a Message Board or Forum thread.... or even an e-mail thread...
Remarks by Pope Prompt Muslim Outrage, Protests
The pope began his lecture at the University of Regensburg by quoting from a 14th-century dialogue between the Byzantine emperor, Manuel II Paleologos, and a Persian scholar. In a passage on the concept of holy war, Benedict recited a passage of what he called "startling brusqueness," in which Manuel questioned the teachings of Islam's prophet, Muhammad. (See third paragraph for quote)
"Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached," Benedict quoted the emperor as saying.
The pope neither explicitly endorsed nor denounced the emperor's words, but rather used them as a preface to a discussion of faith and reason. The Vatican said the pope did not intend the remarks to be offensive to Muslims.
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Hey it's happening... and I think it's great! Why? Because all the self interest corruption, lies, deceit and denials are coming to the surface.... "And the truth shall set you free".... I'd say the Popes speech was along the same lines as Bushs political adgenda, but Bush would have choosen his favorite words like terrorists, axis of evil and weapons of mass destruction.
What has been silently denied for countless centuries is finally being exposed and "the" church (in this case the Catholic Church) is beginning to show its TRUE colours, and NOT what it claims to be. While we (as a society) attempt to separate church and state it is an undeniable fact that they are intertwined and always have been as the very fabric of society and its social structures, even in primitive ones. Everyone has a religious or non-religious belief and if they are in politics or in a place of social power, their beliefs are inevitably part of their political platform.
Throughout history there has been a constant battle between church and state for POWER and CONTROL of the masses and while they may deny and claim that no such power play exists today, that doesn't change the fact that there is. Unfortunately, even most of masses will ignorantly support their political and Clerical leaders denial based rhetoric as they blindly believe that their old customs, traditions and beliefs are the truth and the only way of life.
"Denying the truth doesn't change the truth....just your perception of it." and you can quote me on that.
Thanks for reading my blog and I hope it gave you some
"Food for thought"
JR
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Updates:
'06 Sept 16 The Vatican (not the pope in a personal appearance) said on Saturday the Pope was sorry.
'06 Sept 16 Vatican: Pope regrets offending Muslims.....But the statement stopped short of the apology demanded by Islamic leaders
'06 Sept 16 God's Rottweiler shows his teeth
'06 Sept 17 Pope sorry for angry reaction to his remarks..... but not for his making the remarks he did.
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'06 Sept 17 You can run but you can't hide... The only way out is for the pope and the Vatican to tell the truth of why he used the words he did and his true intent... He may say he is telling the truth and justify his reasons for using them... BUT if they are not authentic and REAL... people will feel the denials and cover up for what they are and will react to this unlovingness accordingly... Problem is that if he does come clean... that exposes the Pope and the Vatican to be liars and hate mongers... and so what does that say about the church and the Catholic religion... "Oh what a tangled web we weave... when first we practice to decieve"...
'06 Sept.18 The Pontiff said on Sunday he was deeply sorry Muslims had been offended by his use of a medieval quotation on Islam and holy war. But he stopped short of retracting a speech seen as portraying Islam as a religion tainted by violence.
Al-Qaeda threatens jihad over Pope's remarks
My question is that if the quotation from a medieval text, does not in any way express the personal thoughts of the Pope or Vatican, then why in the hell did he say them? Dah! I don't believe for one moment that he is ignorant and would recite words that mean nothing. I do however believe that he is now trying to feign ignorance, knowing full well what he was saying but now that the shit has hit the fan, he is piously trying to claim papal diplomatic immunity.
That also brings up another issue. Why is he the pope? I thought that the Pope was Gods infallible spokesperson on Earth though the Church? Is this how God speaks through him? Sounds like he's in league with, and listening to someone other than God, as God would have know how these words would affect Muslins and would not have said them... not because they would offend some Muslims...but because they were unloving and said with unloving intent. It's all beginning to fall apart.....
'06 Sept 19 Muslims want further apology from pope....."We firmly ask the Vatican Pope to offer a personal, public and clear apology to the 1.5 billion Muslims in this world."
'06 Sept 20 Pope says anti-Islam quotes not his own views...."The Pope says it does not express his views. So what are his views?" said Mohammed Habib, deputy head of the influential group. "He must say these views (in the quotes) are incorrect."
Attempted assassin warns Pope against Turkey visit
'06 Sept.22 Thousands rally against pope in Mideast
'06 Sept 23 Religion and Politics... (Bed-fellows) Evangelical voters more jaded in 2006 > Christian conservatives, traditionally a reliable Republican constituency, aren't necessarily a GOP gimme this time around.
'06 Sept 24 > Cat Stevens criticizes pope over Islam comments...In an interview with BBC television, Islam (Cat Stevens) said that he went to a Catholic school, "so at one point I used to believe that the Pope was infallible." But he added that the pope's comments on Islam showed he was fallible,
'06 Sept 25 > Pope says 2 faiths must overcome enmity Benedict...has not offered a complete apology as some have sought....His five-minute address Monday at a meeting with 22 foreign diplomats and representatives of Italian Muslim organizations ..was called "mainly political" intended to improve relations with Muslim states......Fahmi Howeidi, a liberal Islamic writer in Egypt, said that since the pope did not apologize, protests may continue.... "The people that were convinced he was against Islam are not going to change their minds,"
'06 Sept 26 Oh Oh! Trouble in Paridise > Vatican sexcommunicates Zambia archbishop >>>The Vatican, accusing Milingo of "sowing division and disarray among the faithful," The Vatican also said that Milingo violated church law when he created an association of married priests and when he celebrated Mass with married clergy.
'06 Sept 26 >Mexico cardinal denies protecting priest accused of rape and molestation Cardinal Norberto Rivera on Sunday urged a Mexican priest charged with raping and molesting children to turn himself in but denied accusations that he helped protect the fugitive......Similar suits have cost U.S. Catholic dioceses an estimated $1.5 billion, alarming church leaders worldwide......Church officials in Los Angeles also have denounced the legal action, saying it is baseless.
'06 Sept 27 > Pope says tourism can promote dialogue > Pope Benedict XVI said Wednesday that tourism should help different cultures bridge gaps and promote dialogue between people..... "I hope that tourism will increasingly promote dialogue and respect between cultures, thereby becoming an open door to peace and harmonious cohabitation," Benedict said.
Maybe his holiness should take his own advice and get of his holy ass and do more sight seeing to bridge his own cultural gap....It's Ironic that the pope is now asking for public support to take the pressure of what he couldn't or rather... wouldn't do, that being to personally apologize for his hate comment.... It's the same old rhetoric and the same old "Golden Rule"....Do unto others as you would have others do unto...(preaching Peace and Harmony) and.."do as I say, don't do as I do"
Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, I'm tired of all this bullshit, aren't you? Well ...maybe not... if you're a "good" Catholic, then right now you're pissed off with me... :)
I was just thinking... Maybe I should make this topic a seperate blog as it's getting big... So here is where this post ends and a new blog begins.. Religion, denials and the truth
My brother-in-law sents me e-mails from time to time, mostly pictures or attachments that he thinks are funny or cool. He sent the following regarding a hot topic of discussion in Australia and said that we should apply the same laws to Canada. I'm going to post the e-mail and then my reply...
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Pls substitute Canada for Australia.
Looks like a stand we could emulate quite nicely thank you.
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Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.
A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crackdown.
Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament. "If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Sharia law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you", he said on national television.
"I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia : one the Australian law and another the Islamic law, that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Sharia law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option", Costello said.
Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically clear off", he said.
Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques Quote: "IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians."
"However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia "
"However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand."
"This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle."
"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom""We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, Learn the language!"
"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right; wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us."
"If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like 'A Fair Go', then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others."
"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."
"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."
Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves, our citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voting the same truths!!
SEND THIS TO EVERYBODY YOU KNOW !
*****************************************************************************
Hi
I got you note re: Australia...and Canada ..eh.. and I just have to comment...
Seems that those in power don't look past their own self interest... and their present fears.. If what they were indeed saying was how they really felt and was truly fair for one and all... then they should also walk their talk... MEANING
They first came to Australia as exiled convicts and were basically immigrating to Australia. Why didn't they then.... and NOW.. adopt the ways, customs and life styles of the native population... after all they were there first... :) The natives weren't Christian... but had their own religion, customs and way of life that the pious, righteous and judgmental red-neck so-called Christians felt were wrong... in the same way that they now feel Muslims are wrong. Their fear is that they don't want to Muslims to do to them, what they did to the natives..... Yet a basis of Christian belief is to "do onto others as you would have others do onto you"... LOL..... makes me laugh at the hypocrisy of religious beliefs.
The same scenario holds true for Canada... eh!
A red neck is a red neck, no matter what they look like or where they live.
Harper - Canada ___________or___________ Howard - Australia
They are people so afraid of anothers belief and of possibly changing their narrow minds and life style that they are blinded by their judgments that only serve their self interests and in the process they (in the name of Christianity or whatever they use to justify their fragile beliefs and deny their fear) try to make others change their minds, customs and beliefs to have them believe and do as they do.. or in reality.... to create more pious, righteous and judgmental fraidy cat red necks.
Food for thought,
John
PS: I had made a brief seach and downloaded clipart for this post and it wasn't until I saw the pictures I posted of Howard, the cartoon rednecks, and Harper that I realized how ignorant we are to stereotype a redneck as just a so-called dumb, smoking, drinking, rough-housing, gun toting, lustful hillbilly, cowboy, or out-back low life that is just plain numb, ignorant and stubborn.... Well that may apply in some but cases but as you can see, some plain ole good looking and intelligent people are also rednecks.. Just goes to show you, you can't judge a book by it cover... I'm also laughing as I see a similarity between the three pictures... like Howard and Harper are the two cartoon buddies... :)
PPS: My brother-in-law wrote back....
WOW!!! I GUESS I HAVE BEEN TOLD EH BROTHER
I replied,
LOL... Well I says it like I see it...from my point of view and if you see it differently so be it........ If you also see that you have a red ring around your neck... might be time to get the soap out... :) I'm still laughing as I can see you saying " WOW!!! I GUESS I HAVE BEEN TOLD EH BROTHER" while looking shocked and sticking your tongue out as you talk and shaking your head like a cartoon character...
UPDATE: '06 Sept 21 Aborigines win Australian land claim
A federal court judge has given a tribe of Aborigines a limited land title claim over the major Australian city of Perth. It was the first such ruling for Aborigines, the indigenous people who lived in Australia before white settlers arrived.
(Part 3 of 3)A couple of nights ago, as a result of my writing these posts and re-living the events, so to speak, I gained insights into what actually happened that night. When I first arrived and heard the dog barking at Dave, Irene mentioned that Baal and Brahma were around Dave and that Dave and the evil ones were frightening the dog. It didn't strike me in the moment but as I mentioned in an earlier post, I can usually smell or feel when evil, and especially when those two are around and that wasn't happening. I now realize that it wasn't Dave that they were after but Irene and that was why the dog was barking as it was picking up on Irenes fear that they were after her. And because she was in denial of her fear she was saying that they were after Dave and because the dog was barking at Dave and the evil ones presence it gave her an easy excuse to shift the attention off of her and on to Dave. I just remembered other instances when Baal and Brahma were around and Irene and I would literally gag at the stench when they were close. She'd say to them, lavender please and no sooner said then done. I feel, but don't know that there is more to this, of me not picking up on them.
As the evil ones only seemed to occupy the downstairs except when Dave came upstairs, I asked her why don't you think that they may be after both Dave and Mini. Mini is downstairs right now and both of them sleep downstairs? She stopped and reflected on my question but didn't respond or go into it any further. I realized that my comment made her aware that they weren't after Dave or Mini, but because she was already in denial she choose not to reverse her previous statement as that would expose the lie by now telling the truth. Telling the truth also meant that she would have to deal with whatever issues and activations that would be coming up that she was terrified of, which at this time were unknown to her. Fear of the unknown was enough to keep her in denial and her mouth shut.
I also realized that she was not only using the dog for comfort to relieve the pain, (which I just realized she made a big to do about, again to the focus off of what was really going on) but she was also using the dog for protection. With her ability to see Baal and Brahma and also knowing (hearing and talking to them) that they were there for her, she was already activated into her fears and so to take the focus off of her and the activations that were coming, she sought to protect herself as best she could. One was to shift the focus and she did that when she saw that Baal and Brahma were hanging around Dave and not her, This gave their the false mental protection that they weren't after her, but Dave. The second was a physical form of protection that came with the dog barking at Dave and Baal and Brahma's presence and she felt that the dog was there to protect her from Dave and the evil ones. Also in her twisted mind and with the help of guilt, she decided to return the favour by protecting the dog from Dave by allowing it to jump up on her and sit on her lap where she comforted and cooded over it in an un-natural and phoney manner, now that I reflect on it.
That night when the dog jumped on her and she was screaming in pain and when I took the dog off her, she saw that as me removing her protection. Layer by layer and when it came to the third time, she then saw me as an evil threat attacking and trying to take away what she felt was her only protection from evil. In her mind, she now believed that I was evil, like her father and Baal and Brahma. 
But there is more. She also said that I reminded her of her father and that's the real issue and fear that she has been living with in secret all these years. I've known Irene for some eight years and I stayed at Irene and Daves home for a couple of years. Irene and I did a lot of work together so I have a good idea of what she went through as a child, adolescent, young woman, wife and mother and even now, with both parents dead, she is still haunted by their evil presence. Anger and rage terrify her and it was the cruelty of denied anger and rage that inflicted mental, emotional and physical abuse and the greatest fragmentation of her essence. This experience with the dog was her opportunity for healing but it was missed and Baal and Brahma got what they came for... denial of self, and self-hatred disguised as hatred for another. 
Hummm. It's interesting to see how all the little nuances and dynamics come into play even though I wasn't aware of it in the moment, when all of this was happening. But of course, if I was aware, then I wouldn't have been in my REAL anger and rage and any anger and rage would have been faked or acted out and she would have felt and known that I wasn't really angry and she wouldn't have been activated as she was. There was no danger, but in order for healing to take place, she had to believe there was so that she could reach that part of her that needed to be healed. In reality, it's not the present Irene that is crying out for help but her lost fragments (essence) that she had to abandon in order to survive. These lost parts of her are crying out to be saved BUT, it is only the present Irene that can save them, and to do that, she has to activated into her terror which caused the fragmentation in the first place. This form of healing was as loving as it could be but it didn't trigger a healing intent within Irene. Now, other situations will be experienced and each more terrifying that the last. If she doesn't break this denial cycle, death will be the only option as healing and live are not being sought.
When we are activated into our fears, we are triggered into one of three options, fight, flight or Give up/compromise. It's in this moment and ONLY in this moment, before we make a DENIAL choice, that we are given a fourth choice that we have never considered, that being surrendering to love, self-love. How do I know all this? Through personal experience. If you are interested in learning more, you can read one of my personal experiences dealing with my terror of knives and how I healed it. You can find it at the following link...A Level of Healing
JR
PS: '06 Sept 13 10:23p.m. I was reading my journal for my next blog post and I don't know how I missed this and it had completely skipped my mind, but I now see that this was also a catalyst for what was to come on Friday night. On Wednesday afternoon, Irene and I were sitting on the deck and she was complaining about her sore knee and how the dog was helping it with its weight and body warmth. I asked her if she wanted to find out what was causing the pain and she agreed to do a meditation journey. As previously mentioned I stayed with Irene and Dave a couple of years and we did this sort of thing a lot.
I took her into an inner journey and it turned out that the pain in her knee was the result of a severe beating she took from her parents before she started school. After the beating, she never talked for five years. She went to school, but the teachers thought that while she was bright, she was also deaf and dumb and her parents and family (older brothers and sisters also going to school) never said otherwise. I could feel her anger and rage building and she began to express it, but when she realized what she was doing, she shut herself down and a few minutes later she went to lay down for a rest. We never did any more inner work after that.
(Part 2 of 3)
The story continues as a couple of days later, on the Friday night, Irene and I again had our tea outside on the deck and had returned inside to watch TV before retiring. Dave had come upstairs and the dog again jumped on Irene and although she moaned in pain, she petted the dog and shouted at Dave. Dave finished his business and returned downstairs and the dog jumped down. The cat and Irene dog were upstairs in the kitchen and the dog got spooked and jumped on Irene again. This time she yelled out in pain, and while wrestling to get the dog to move she finally uttering that she can't get the dog off of her and that he was hurting her. I got off my chair and reached over and grabbed the dog by the collar and firmly pulled him off her and to the floor. I had him sit beside my chair.
I didn't notice the dog move away as I was watching TV but the next moment he was jumping up on Irene again and this time she screamed in pain even louder and I could see that she was in agony and again she said that she couldn't get the dog off. Again, I reached over and pulled the dog off of her and had him sit beside my chair. Irene then said that she was really sore and that the dog had really hurt her tonight and that she didn't have the strength to move him as he weighted 30 lbs and was way too much for her in her present condition.
We continued to watch TV and again the dog crept away and this time he maneuvered himself to the right and rear of Irenes chair and he tried to leap on her over her right arm that was causing her the most pain. I saw him clawing his way up her as her right arm dangled beside the chair and this time she SCREAMED in pain as the dog finally made his way onto her chest, shoulder and face. She was screaming, "get him off, get him off" as I reached over and this time I yanked the dog off her and to the floor. I grabbed one of Irenes canes and shook it at the dog and in that moment I wanted to kick the dog but instead I stomped the floor with my left foot and yelled at the dog. The dog looked dumbfounded as I moaned in pain as I thought I might have broken my foot.
Now Irene has a signal for Dave that when she wants him to come upstairs, she stomps her foot on the floor. Dave yelled up "what do you want?" I replied "nothing it was me yelling at the dog" He commented that a ceiling light fixture light in the hallway had fallen and broke and that he was going to clean it up.
In that same moment I looked at the dog and realized that it wasn't the dog's fault that he was jumping up on Irene. I called him over and he came to me and I said thank you for showing me how I was being unloving. I was being protective of Irene because she was crippled and in pain and I blamed the dog for doing what he was allowed to do. I turned to Irene and said to her that you know that the dog listens and isn't afraid as you witnessed it the other night. You choose to allow the dog to continue to jump on you and that is your choice. I said that you are old enough, smart enough and strong enough to look after yourself when it comes to letting the dog jump on you. I'm not going to protect you anymore and I don't blame the dog for doing what you want him to do. The next time he jumps on you, you are going to have to deal with him yourself because I'm not going to interfere with your free Will and choice. At that point I went downstairs and apologized to Dave for breaking the fixture and he said the it was OK, that it was cracked anyway. I went back upstairs and then out the back door to my tent.
I got up after 8:00 a.m (Saturday) and had a couple of cups of coffee with Irene on the deck. She seemed kind of quiet but I didn't press her to find out what was going on as I felt she was in pain. I had already made plans to go to Barrie that day, while Irene and Mini had made plans to go fishing in the afternoon.
It began raining in the afternoon and was still raining when I got back around 7:30p.m. A few minutes later, Irene and Mini also came back from their trip and they made themselves some tea. I was busy organizing my stuff in the tent and then went back to the deck that had an awning that offered protection from the sun and rain. They were already having their tea and Irene was holding the dog on her lap. I felt something was off as we chit chatted a few minutes during which time the dog had jumped off her lap and sat beside me and then tried to jump up on me but I held my arm out to prevent him from doing so. It was during that time that Irene made the comment that I was the evil one. I was confused by that statement as I felt that I had missed something. She continued her conversation with Mini and I interrupted her and asked what she meant by me being the evil one. She turned to me and hissed that I attacked the dog last night.
I was shocked! I asked her what she meant and again she hissed that I was unloving to the dog and I attacked it last night. I said bull shit, the dog jumped on you three times and three times you asked me to take it off you. The third time, Yes I was angry and I wanted to hit the dog but I stomped the floor instead and the ceiling fixture downstairs fell and broke. If you remember, I also apologized to the dog and then told you that you were on your own if the dog jumps on you and hurts you again. The dog is not afraid a me, he sat beside me and he even tried to jump on my lap a few minutes ago, so he's not afraid of me but you are, and you are definitely activated.
Mini interrupted telling me how I should have or could have treated the dog. I bluntly told her that you weren't there, you don't know what the dog did, what Irene said or did, what I did or didn't do, so don't tell me what I should or could have done after the fact. All you are going on is what Irene told you and again, if I attacked the dog, would the dog be sitting beside me and trying to jump in my lap? She dropped her chin as she said no, but in the next breath she began the same speech again. I asked her if she had heard what I said and she replied, it doesn't matter, you attacked my dog. I put my hand up, looked her in the eyes, and said in a tone that left no mis-understanding, "fuck off." She blinked, dropped her jaw and shoulders and slung back in her chair, holding her cup of tea in silence.
Irene hissed at me again saying that I reminded her of her father. I replied, finally the truth, this whole experience, even now, is activating you and is bringing up your denied issues with your father. She denied it and said it wasn't about her dad but about me attacking the poor defenseless dog. I could feel that there was nothing I was going to say that would change her point of view. I told her that I didn't feel welcome here and I asked her if she wanted me to leave. She didn't look at me but said it's up to you. I said it's dark and it's raining and I don't feel like packing up and pulling down my tent down tonight and that I'd leave in the morning. I asked if I could have a shower and she said suit yourself. I already had my towel and toiletries so I had a shower and retired to my tent and my thoughts and my feelings.
A few years ago Irene had a similar experience with another mutual friend Jen, when she struck her fist on the Van's dashboard as Irene was driving. That experience shocked Irene into calling Jen evil and of reminding her of her mother and she didn't talk to Jen for a couple of years. Now I guess it's my turn to activate her with her father and violence.
It rained all night and was still raining, what I call a soaker, not hard but steady. I packed up my stuff inside the tent and I could hear Irene and Mini having the usual coffee and tea on the deck around 8:30 a.m. I waited inside my tent until the rain stopped which was 11:00 a.m. and by 11:11 a.m. I was driving down the road. I never went in to say "good" bye as I felt, what's the point. If Irene had changed her mind she could have called out to me from the deck that she wanted to talk. I drove into town and had breakfast.
JR
(2 of 3)
(Part 1 of 3)
I camped out in the Parry Sound area of Ontario for three days amongst the stars, bears, moose, deer and other animals. I then called my friend Irene and made arrangements to camp out in her back yard for a few days. Normally I would have stayed in the spare bedroom but she had another lady friend (Mini) that was staying with her and I really didn't want to sleep in the family room and bother and be bothered by Irenes husband Dave who worked split shifts and likes to watch TV in the middle of the night.
Irenes friend Mini, has a Dog, a black 30lb mini standard poodle and a large 24 lb cat. and Irene has a mini boxer. The reason I'm mentioning this is that they come into play a little later in my story. Amonmg other things, Irene has Lupus and is in a wheelchair but she also gets about with the aid of two canes when she is not in the chair. The last time I visited her she had her dog on her lap to comfort her sore knee and legs but since Mini was up she has switched to the poodle for comfort and to also comfort the dog. 
I asked why and she explained that the poodle was afraid of Dave and of the energies around him and that she felt the dogs fear and that was why she was comforting it and allowing it to jump up on her lap. I could see that the dog was spooked by Daves presence, but she never did anything to try to bring the two together and she only yelled at Dave blaming him for the dogs barking and actions. The first night I was there, Dave was almost in tears trying to explain that he never did anything to the dog and I could feel his heartbreak at being blamed for something he didn't do. The dog was also spooked at any little noise, even the cat and Irenes dog. At times I felt the dog was using this so-called fear as a means to get undivided attention as Mini would swat the cat and scold Irenes dog, but not say a word to her poodle except to comfort it every time it barked and Irene basically did the same except swat the cat.
A couple of days later we were out on the deck having an evening cup of tea and the dog was activated by Dave coming up the stairs and it jumped up on Irenes lap for safety. As it did, it hurt Irene and she pushed the dog off. It came to me and tried to jump up on me but as I had a cup of tea in my hand, I put my knee up and it hit it's jaw on my knee and stopped. Irene mentioned that she didn't want the dog on her as she was in pain and I told her to put her knee up like I did when the dog comes back to jump up on her. A moment later the dog tried to jump on her lap and she did what I told her and the dog stopped. It looked at me and at Irene and then lay down on the deck and was quiet for the rest of the time we were on the deck even though there were noises. I could see that the dog was aware of them, but he wasn't jumping onto anyones lap. I was even able to get the dog to sit and lay down beside me. Irene commented that she was amazed at how the dog responded to me and that how it seemed not to be afraid. I replied that I felt that the dog was using fear to get attention.
After our tea, we went inside and watched a bit of TV before going to bed. NO sooner had Irene got herself settled into her chair than the dog jumped up on her and although she winced and cried in pain she not only allowed it to stay, but she also cuddled it and apologized for not letting it up on her when she was outside. I looked at her in disbelief and she said that I just didn't understand that the dog has fear. I didn't reply as I thought want's the point.
JR
(end of Part 1 of 3)
PS: One thing I forgot to mention was that Irene said that the dog was afraid of Dave because there were a couple of evil entities, Baal and Brahma, that were following Dave and scaring the dog. Irene can "see" ghosts and spirits, and animals are also aware of them and of loving and unloving energy. With all that I had just experienced in the Maritimes, I didn't know what was going on. What also confused me was that I couldn't smell or feel them like I normally do.
There's a lot more that I could write about my experiences in the Maritimes but the last post brings to mind, the synchronicity of my issues with body and sex and then to have all this unloving sex stuff going on around me...
It was interesting to say the least to see the dynamics and inter-actions of the man who I was renting the room from and his wife. At one point we were talking about women and sex and he said that sex is great as long as you don't let your emotions get in the way. I laughed and replied that I was just the opposite, that sex isn't anything without emotions and that I can't imagine not having any emotions or feelings when having sex.
He also confided in me that he was also getting a little on the side and was telling me that he was going to call it quits with her because she was getting way to personal and wanted to know his first name. A while later, his wife was over and accused him of having an affair but he denied it and got on her case for falsely accusing him and not trusting him. He later told me he didn't lie to her as he wasn't having an affair, he was just having sex. Then there is another twist, here his wife is jealous of him playing around but she works in a business that caters to lies and deceit and husbands cheating on their wives. In her twisted mentality it's OK if husbands cheat on their wives just as long as it's not her husband... Dah!
The women who were on "call" were also interesting. All the working girls were from 20 to early 30's. I overheard him talking to one girl that just had a baby and she was telling him that she would be ready to go back to work in a week. Another had arranged to have him call and ask her to baby sit for him when there was a call for her because she didn't want her boyfriend to find out what she was doing. She'd change into her work cloths while en route to the call and then back again on the way home. A couple of the other girls were alcoholics or on drugs as that was the only way they could handle doing what they were called to do. And of course, any new girls that wanted in, were tried out.
The girls were also asked, no, they were told what to wear and how to act and what to do. If a US government official wanted two nice girls, he got two nice girls. If three guys wanted one girl, they got it unbeknown to the girl that blindly thought she was doing one trick. The girls were on call at all hours for one and all be it a BJ for a trucker in a parking lot or overnight stint for a business executive in a five star hotel.
There was no love present and all the sex was power and rage sex in the state of denial. it was just heartless fucking... plain... but not so simple. I still haven't integrated all that happened and I don't really understand it ...yet.. but I will.
JR
Hey I'm back,
I'm amazed that a month has gone by, it seems like only yesterday. There's a lot that went on that I didn't or couldn't write about at the time and the last couple of months have both been interesting and an eye opening experience to say the least. I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I moved out of the "born again" bible thumpers home, but it just so happened that I was headed to the opposite end of the spectrum. So where did I end up? Well let me tell you.
This place was quiet, clean and comfortable, and the guy was very nice and sociable with me and we had some good talks although he was on the opposite side when it came to feelings and emotions. He lived with his son and I was the only other non-family person in the house. He worked at a delivery job from 8 a.m. to noon and in the afternoon, when he wasn't doing something around the house, he was sleeping as he'd go out and do other things at all hours of the evening. He and his wife owned a couple of rooming houses, so I thought that that was where he was going. What I didn't know in the beginning was that his wife, ex-wife (that he fought with tooth and nail, but couldn't live without) lived with her son and daughter (from a pervious marriage) in an apartment at a brothel where she was the manager. I later put two and two together, that he was also involved in "the" business at night as a driver and pimp. Now you can see what I meant by being at the opposite end of the righteous bible thumper as I was living in the so-called den of iniquity itself.
The guy (in his 70's) that owns the house of ill repute in MOncton, also owns one in Dartmouth NS and both had been raided several times by the police and had been shut down but they were still being operated on the QT. There was a lot of shit going on between the owner, the police, politicians, lawyers, religious organizations that was in the newspaper and on TV. There was also a lot of other shit that wasn't public knowledge that was and is scary. There was also some serious shit going on between the owner, the wife (aka manager), the girls and the guy I was renting a room from.
During the last few weeks there had been the rank smell of evil in the house. Both he and I could smell them and he asked me what it was. I told him that it was evil, that Baal and Brahma were here for him and that he was at a cross roads and that they wanted him to make the choice that suited them. The smell would drive him crazy as it followed him around. One time it would be in the middle of the kitchen then move to the front door, then the bathroom, etc to the point that he was freaking out and he even had goose bumps when he walked though their energy. A week or so before the end of July, his morning job was terminated and I then knew that this was part of the turning point in his life. His "wife" who I had some words with on a few occasions, and who didn't like me, began staying over more and more.
A few days into the month of August, the smells stopped and I noticed and felt a change in him. He had crossed over and they had gotten what they wanted so there was no point in them hanging around. I gave my notice that I was going to move out at the end of August, but things began to speed up and I felt unsafe so I moved out on Monday, August 21st.
I spend three days camping out in New Brunswick and then I began to feel unsafe with the natural environment as I felt that nature was going to be creating havoc with storms and hurricanes in the area as well as the devestation created by a Tsunami created by an earthquate in the mid-atlantic that would affect the entire East coast of North America and the north coast of South America and Europe and Africa as well. I felt that I needed to head for safe ground and that was in Ontario.
John
Hi
Well, as the title suggests, I'm on the road again. There has been a lot happening that I haven't written about and I will try to catch up as soon as I can. I'm planning to leave by the end of the month and I'm heading back to Ontario. I'm going to be hanging my hat at my ex-wifes place until I get an idea of where I'll be landing for the winter. I feel I still have some "unfinished busisness" with her, so it should be interesting... More to come.
JR
I have created another blog dealing with the US/Israel and Lebanon war. You can find it at the following link.
Israel - History repeating itself - with a twist
Israel
Hate and the effects of Hate
Lebanon
Can anyone see how history is repeating itself but with an ironic twist?
Check out these sites....
Holocaust Encyclopedia
Genocide
ANTISEMITISM
Jewish Resistance to German oppression
JEWISH UPRISINGS IN GHETTOS AND CAMPS, 1941-1944
'06 June 24 11:oo a.m. Saturday
I'd been working all week and when I got home last night I was exhausted, sore and beat. I was tired and sore all week, but I just kept adding to it as the week went on. I feel that it wasn't just the physical work, but also the medication I was on that drained me. I was ready to go to bed by 7:00 p.m. but I struggled and forced myself to stay awake as long as I could as I wanted to make sure that I didn't wake up at 3:00 a.m. and then not be able to get back to sleep.
On Wednesday, I was awake until midnight, coughing and wheezing as earlier in the week I had been installing insulation and a couple of days later I was sanding drywall. I breathed in both the fiberglass insulation and the drywall dust and that night I could feel my body trying to reject and expel it from my lungs.
I thought back to other times in my life when I denied my body and forced it to be in dangerous and harmful situations. Just because I (My Mind) couldn't see the immediate physical affects it was having on my body, I denied it was having any. "Show me" was my Minds motto. Because my Mind was in denial and wasn't open and willing to look inside my body to see if what it was saying was actually happening and true, my body had to not only endure the abuse, but also had to present physical external evidence, "proof" that what it was saying was true. And even when it did, my mind belittled the problem my body was having.
As I was writing this post I thought of how my mind is very much like an out of control, (but totally in control) dictator and a picture of Hitler flashed before me. I went on the Net and got this picture of Hitler and that's why it's on this post.
JR
'06 June 23
Recently, I had made a few calls to some local Reno companies and I got a call and started work on Monday July 19. It's been hot work and I not used to the physical labor of hauling 4'x 8' sheets of 1/2" drywall up three flights of stairs.
I've also been taking my medication and I can feel it starting to work the past few days and as my "lower" body is no longer in the acute pain it once was. But right now my kidneys are starting to hurt, not just hurt, they're in pain... Hurting is feeling pain, and feeling is good, is alive.... Numb is not feeling pain, numb has no feeling, feeling is no thing.
Humm? It's interesting how we ignorantly believe that when we don't feel pain, that things are fine, but in reality, we have just lost consciousness with the parts of our selves that are in pain. In taking pain killers, this loss of consciousness has been a deliberate choice, with unloving intent towards our bodies not to feel what it is feeling. There seems to be no end to our hatred for our body and its feeling of pain.
Speaking of body, I abused mine today. I stated earlier that I had started a part time job and we were renovating the third floor attic of a rooming house and converting it into another bedroom. By mid-morning we were ready to start to insulate the walls and ceiling We didn't look for the dust masks until we needed then only to discover that they had been misplaced.The boss went out to get some and we continued to install the insulation with no masks. We were almost done installing the vapor barrier by the time he returned with the masks. I knew that fiber-glass insulation dust was not good as I tried to move slowly when using it so as not to create too much dust, but the dust (tiny particles of glass) couldn't be avoided in this cramped and poorly ventilated space. I don't feel it in my lungs yet, but I know I will.
JR
06 June 18 5:10 p.m.
I was using some dental floss to get some popcorn out from between my teeth and I noticed a dark spot on my gum beside a molar. I never noticed it before and now I have fear that my teeth are going to give me trouble as sometimes I have a feeling of a slight tooth ache in this area. I don't feel that it can be repaired as it already has two fillings and I got the message that a root canal and crown wouldn't work. I guess I could go without this molar, but I already have one missing between it and my last one and the last one isn't in that great a shape either. I feel heartbroken because if I lose these two teeth, I'll only have eight real teeth left on the bottom.
Before I started to write about teeth, I felt how I hated them. As a child my upper teeth were sightly overlapped at the front but my bottom teeth were straight. I hated that the top teeth were crooked as I got teased by the kids at school. Later in grade 7, I had an accident where I fell and broke my eight of my top front teeth. They were not entirely broken out, but broken at the roots, chipped and damaged enough that they couldn't be repaired. I had to live with the pain and the shame, until grade ten when I finally got them and the rest of my upper teeth pulled. As my top molars were not in great shape, the dentist recommeded that I get a full denture instead of a partial. Living with rotting teeth for three years was bad enough, I then had to endure the pain of getting them all pulled at once. I also had to wait six months for my gums to heal before I could get my dentures. I was starting grade ten at the time and this was also the fourth new school in as many years.
I just flashed back to grade five and six and having a tooth ache and having to go to the dentist and how I hated both the pain I was having from my tooth and the pain I was receiving at the hands of the dentist. I hated my teeth for causing me pain.
As I searched for clip art for this post, I came upon this one of a baby. I had forgotten that as babies, were also have pain and hatred for our teeth when we are cutting them . Then a few years later, we again have pain and more hatred, when we lose our baby teeth and get our adult teeth.
5:29 p.m. I also realized that I hate my eyes. As a child, I didn't want to see the evil and unlovingness I was seeing around me. I didn't like the visions I was seeing of me getting abused and I blamed my physical eyes for that. I felt that if I didn't see what was going to happen, then it wouldn't happen, but that never worked. I couldn't stop my inner seeing so I pretended that I couldn't see.
(As I'm writing this post I'm realizing that it was during this time that I was also beginning to lose my clairvoyant ability. Again, I hated seeing visions, so I pushed my seeing ability away.)
Unable to get help to stop the abuse at school, I pretended to have problems seeing so th
at I would be moved up to the front of the class so that I would get away from the bullies. I also thought that if I wore glasses, that the bullies wouldn't pick on me. Problem was that when I got the glasses, I couldn't see the blackboard as I had perfect vision and now it was blurred by the glasses. I was forced to wear them until the bullies finally broke them as they would take them off me and beat me up anyway. Later on in my teens I developed astigmatism and then I really needed glasses and I've had to wear them ever since and now I hate my eyes because I can't see far things far away.
JR
'06 June 18 1:07 a.m.
I just went to bed and was thinking that only one of our five physical senses, our sense of touch, is the only one that isn't directly associated with our head. While touch encompasses the whole body, it's mainly associated with our hands and fingers. What we fail to realize is that the body and all its myriad parts and functions is what animates form and gives us our life experiences. The MIND can't can't do that on its own as it needs the rest of the body to enable it to have life, yet our MIND thinks that it has control over the the physical body. While the body is dependant on the brain (MIND) to maintain its functions, it is these very same bodily functions that maintain life for the Mind. It's a two way street, yet the MIND treats the body as a slave to do it's bidding, to be at its beck and call and it's the body that's to blame when it can't perform to the minds unloving demands and expectations.
As I was typing this piece, I remembered that when I was exploring the chakras, our seven major energy centres, that our hands and arms are extensions of our heart chakra. Now isn't that interesting when we combine it with the sense of touch? It's our arms and hands that explore the world and it's our sense of physical touch that speaks volumes in our human experience as a touch can be unloving or loving.
Touch also is involved with our sense of being, our I AM presence as it differentiates one from another. Even to experience ourselves, we have to differentiate that a part of us is different and not the same as another part of us. If there was no differentiation, there would be no experience. The mind is unable to experience itself, to know itself, unless it has something else to compare itself to that is not itself. Emotions and the physical body are two such aspects of ourselves, that allow for differentiation and experience.
It's a totally different experience touching yourself or being touched by another as we have no control, but can only respond to the touch of another. The same holds true when touching another, as our sense of feeling "touch" and our feed-back to our mind, is information that is altered and different from what we get when we touch ourselves.
Humm, things are getting interesting, if not in the moment, then a month later when I'm finally typing it up.
JR
'06 June 14 1:15 p.m. To be good you have to be Bad
Maurice, the guy whose place I'm staying at, made a comment this morning about me writing about him saying that he hoped it was good. I replied that good was relative and what did he mean by good. He said "to be good you have to be bad". I pondered that statement for a moment and then asked him to explain what he meant by that. He said that in order to be good, to succeed at what you're doing in this world that you have to be bad, that you have to lie, cheat and do whatever it takes and you have to be good at it. Because if you're not good at being bad or you tell the truth, you get clobbered. I understood the twisted logic and truth in what he was saying and I looked and him and said, I can't really disagree with you there.
JR
9:15 p.m. Rage and Blame at my Body
Today tried to get a hold of the doctor that treated me a couple of months ago. I got her office number from the drug store and I called her but she was on leave and I couldn't get a refill over the phone and the receptionist suggested that I make another appointment at the clinic to see another doctor. I went to the after six clinic and after a brief discussion I was able to get an appointment. I had to give a urine sample and after it was analyzed I had an exam. The new Doctor gave me the same prescription that I had before for my bacterial infection.
When I was driving home, I though back to her examining me and how I winced in pain when she pressed on a sore part of my right testicle. I thought about my pain and flashed to my rage and blame towards my body, especially my testicles. I had rage and blame at them for getting **** pregnant and also for my experience with ******* Then I flashed to getting a vasectomy, that I didn't want any more children and that I'd have IT fixed so that IT would never cause me problems again.
How unloving was that!!!
No wonder I have issues with my testicles. I hated and blamed them for what I believed they did. My MIND didn't take any responsibility for any of the actions it was making and how it used my body to get what it wanted but when things didn't go as planned, Hey!! It was my body that F%$ked-up, it' to blame. It's your fault! You're the cause of the problem.
Hummm? I can't un-do what has been done, so how can I heal this???
'06 June 13 8:12 a.m.
It is my experience that when we are dealing with denied emotions, that the emotions that first surface, that you feel are actually false emotions. That they and the experience that activated them are not the real or the cause or issue, but a reflection of the real cause and issue, that if explored, will lead to the denied emotions and the experiences that caused or created them.
I feel the same is true with our body, but I also feel it's a lot more complicated than that as you're not only dealing with false emotions, but our minds, imprints, programs and beliefs AND also our bodies feelings and it's imprints, programs and beliefs.
This morning, I felt pain and stiffness in my lower back and I also felt a feeling of heartbreak, that I can't do what I used to be able to do. I'm confused as that emotion doesn't appear to have any real relationship with the pain in my lower back or the cause of the pain, only a form of judgment of what my body can or can't do.
'06 June 13 8:23 a.m.
I just had a vision of a baby in a shopping card at a grocery store where the baby and I recognized each other. I thought of how our physical bodies are like tools that we have in order to experience physical reality, but that one condition and imprint that we still have is that we need to be born in order to experience the physical. However, in the process of being born, we lose our true remembering, powers and gifts. We're slowly loose our real selves and become what society says we should be, that who and what we are isn't good enough.
Ahh!!! I can see where that comes from and is leading to. Because what we are as a baby (our body) isn't really good enough. We didn't come into the physical world with enough essence and power to be able to live. We're dependent on other people and things in order to maintain a physical life and we basically have the same imprints, programs and beliefs until we die, because again, our physical body isn't good enough, healthy enough to maintain life. In the process of growing to a point of being physically and mentally able to look after ourselves and experience life, we also fragment and destroy our body with disease and aging to the point where maintaining life in the body is impossible and it's forced to die and try again. What a %#@*!& - up cycle
We're not good enough because we're not whole. We're not whole because we're fragmented. We're fragmented because we have no love or acceptance for the parts of us that have been over-ridden, either by others, and/or by ourselves.
JR.
June 12
Wow! Time is flying and I have a lot of catch up to do as it's now July 18..
2:19 p.m. It's interesting as I just realized that all morning I've been trying to reach the Doctor that gave me the past prescription a couple of months ago. I even called the drug store hoping I could get a repeat, but I can't. I'm just wanting to get out of the pain so that I can feel and heal whatever is causing he pain... Now isn't that a laugh as the just the opposite is true.
I can vaguely remember telling myself that I'm looking my body by getting help and not being stubborn, that I know I have an infection so why wait. If I had a broken leg I wouldn't wait and just leave it. While there's a truth to that statement I feel that it's a part truth, that something is missing and that what is missing is actually the KEY to healing, real healing of the body. Humm??? But now...what is it?
JR
I drank about 1 ½ liters of tea and water before going to bed. I woke up having to go to the bathroom and I remembered to how I peed my pants on the first day of school and how I hated my body for embarrassing and shaming me.
>>> I have to stop and explain a bit here or you wouldn’t see or feel the significance of that experience. I was born in Saskatchewan, Canada and while my parents, of German decent, were also born in Canada, had gone to school and knew how to read, write and speak English, German was the only language that was spoken at home. We had lived in the small German Catholic community but before I started school, we had moved to a another farm in an English protestant community. So when I started school, I had no way of communicating with anyone in English as German was the only language I knew, and hence my issues. To this day, I still don’t remember where the bathroom was in the school that I attended for six years. Now back to my Journal. <<< onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/5409/1111/1600/Baby1.2.jpg">
As a child, we express your bodies wants needs and desires unconditionally, I mean as a newborn. In the hours, days and weeks following our birth we begin to be imprinted and programmed. We are not fed when hungry, not nurtured when we feel unloved and abandoned, nor we are attended to when we are laying in our own wastes, to the point that our body develops rashes and sores. We are not abusing our body, our parents are. Not only are they abusing our body, but they are also over-riding our emotions and stopping us from crying by stuffing a dummy in our mouth so that we don’t cry or to falsely satisfy our want and need for food until such time that they desire to give it to us.
It doesn’t take long for a baby to "get with the program" as it has no choice and it soon adapts to the parents ignorantly unloving demands. And the sad thing is that the older we get, the more we are imprinted and programmed into believing that being unloving to our bodies is not only acceptable but is considered desirable and the normal way of life. Our body has become a slave.
Yuk!
JR
PS: I was just viewing this post and I saw the clipart of my June 09 post, the one with an old man (Father Time). I felt it significant that in this post is the picture of a newborn child and that here are both the beginning and end of what we call "life." I also felt a connection between the imprints, programs and beliefs that we are forced to accept and the failing of our heal and well being.
’06 June 26, 2006
Now that I’ve started blogging my issues with Body, I’m going to try to carry on as best I can to show you the processes that I’m going through in healing and understanding my body and its issues. I’m starting to write this more than two weeks after the fact so it will take a bit of time to catch up.
’06 June 10 3:10 am
I think that our body has its own feelings and intuition, separate from, yet linked to our Will and its intuition, feelings and emotions. Our Body also has the five senses that are used to inform the mind with information on what the body is experiencing. It’s interesting that our four of our five senses are closely related to our head and only our sense of touch is experienced throughout our entire body. Although that ‘s the way it presently is, I have a feeling that that’s not how it’s mean to be.
’06 June 11
Well it’s interesting that all this is stuff about Body is coming up as today I feel that my infection is also coming back as I have pains in my kidneys and lower back and my lower pelvic area is also sensitive. I don’t have the pain in my testicles yet, but I feel that it wouldn’t be long off. I can’t get comfortable even the back of my neck is hurting and I’m breaking into a hot sweat.
I feel that it’s my 1st and 2nd chakras that are affected. My body is holding “negative” energy that needs to be released. But the negative energy I’m referring to is not what is generally referred negative emotions, but rather “reversed polarity” energy that I’ve turned back on my self and that I’ve taken in, that I’ve forced my Body to hold by being unloving to it.
As I’m lying on my bed, not knowing which way to turn to get relief, I feel I just want to crawl away from the pain and discomfort. There are moments when my legs feel numb and tingling. My sore neck is also giving me a headache and I just want to close my eyes and sleep.
Humm! This is interesting? I just realized that it’s the same old; fight, run, and give up syndrome that I have with my emotions. I don’t want to feel pain or be sick (fight), I want to crawl away when I do (run), or I want to sleep (give up). All these escape mechanisms are the same ones that I used on my emotions when I was denying them. What I did to begin to heal my Will, my intuition, and emotions was to surrender, surrender to Love, to self-love. Humm! But what is it in terms of my healing my body? How do I identify the who, what, where, when and why of what I’m experiencing as pain in my Body. How do I change my imprints, programs and beliefs as far as my body is concerned? Lots of questions, but few answers as yet.
JR
Hi again,
I was on the phone with my friend Irene this morning and she asked me why I hated being a man and then she also stated that I had judgments on people especially if they were big, sick or old. I was confused by her statement, but I felt and knew that she said it for a reason. Several hours later I got it the implications of it and it's HUGE. I'm now going to post what I wrote in my journal...
After supper I was thinking of what Irene had said and I came to the realization that what I was really judging was BODY, my Body. My judgments on other people, male-female, big- small, healthy-unhealthy, young-old, are not about them or their body but is what I judge against my body; past present and future. All the little nuances, the nit picking likes and dis-likes are all judgments and issues I have against form (Body) If it's not the way I like it or I think others like it, then I judge it as lacking, incomplete and unacceptable and that's self-hatred.
Illness is a major judgment as I don't want my body to to be sick as I don't like the feeling or the fact that it keeps me from doing what I (Mind) want it to. The next major judgment against my body is it ages, as getting old means that I'm not as healthy or as strong as I once was. I'm losing my youth, my vigor. My hair is turning gray, my skin is losing its elasticity and I'm getting wrinkles, my muscles are losing their tone and my joints are sometimes stiff and sore.
An associated judgment is one of sexuality, as the older you are the less desirable you are and the more inadequate and worthless you feel and the more you despise your body for letting you down. Your body is slowing down and you can't do what you once did in your youth and physical pleasures are diminishing although your desires remain unchanged. You make these judgments based on what you see and hear happening to older people around you as you believe that time is fleeting and limited and that death in inevitable.
These judgment are nothing new, it's just that now I'm aware of them in a different light, as self-hatred is exposed for what it really is. All my life I've had some form of hatred toward my Body; not old enough, big enough, strong enough, freckles, pimples, teeth, hair, arms and legs too skinny and on and on the list of self-hatred goes.
Next to hating and controlling our undesired and unwanted emotions we are equally obsessed with hatred toward our bodies. Just think of all the clothes we buy to make us look and feel better by covering us up and putting on a facade, an illusion, so that we can hide what we don't want others to see. The cosmetic industry caters to women's issues of self-hatred for their physical appearance and now the medical community has jumped in and offers the use of cosmetic surgery to alter our physical appearance. Then there are the host of health related products and drugs that are supposed to re-vitalize our body and bring back our health, youth and increase our sex drive. The use of drugs also crosses over to our emotional based self-hatred issues where drugs are used to numb us and to make us feel good. Even exercise and fitness is a form of self-hatred if you really think about it.
And just as big on the other end of the same denial and self-hatred teeter-totter are the people who don't care what they look like, that abuse their bodies physically and sexually, that eat, drink, do drugs, that don't care if they are sick and actually enjoy having an illness or a physical injury although they will deny it. Others eat or don't eat so that they will feel safe knowing that they aren't considered attractive.
Wow! this is BIG! I though my judgments against my Emotions and Feelings were big, but this is just as big. I've been working on healing my Will, (feelings and emotions) for years and now I feel it's time to do the same with my Body. While this appears to be a separate topic or issue, I know that it's not only connected to my feelings and emotions and my mind (imprints, programs and beliefs) and to healing our bodies, but I also feel it has something to do with space and time, but I don't know how... yet!
I stopped writing and called Irene back. Like I said, this is huge and significant in ways I have yet to explore and experience. I'll keep you posted and if you have any comments, I'd like to hear from you.
John
Last Saturday was our last Ballroom dance for the summer. During the evening I danced with several woman from my class and there were two distinct moments in different dances that I vividly recall. One was a waltz and we had been struggling with issues of control, technique, floor craft along with personal issues of dancing close with a stranger in public, being in a crowd, standing out for all the wrong reasons, etc, etc. As we danced, we suddenly felt a shift and we both looked at each other and smiled a knowing smile as we felt connected to each other with a feeling that we were dancing on air as we glided around the room. We both felt disappointed that the music stopped as that was an experience we never had before.
It was the next day that I realized that Life is also a Dance. The experience at the Ballroom dance, was of two people being in tune with each other, the male leading and guiding but also open to input from the female as they glided across the floor in unison, as if one being with spontaneous, open and flowing non-verbal communication where there's was no separation, physically, mentally or emotionally. When we can do the same with our Spirit (Male-Mind) and our Soul (Female-Will, intuition and feelings) in our Body, our personal lives will also become a dance, a dance of Love. We will be in the now, the moment and ALL parts of us will be in agreement and enjoying the experience... the dance of Life.
John
Hi,
Well I'm on a rant this morning.... Maybe it's just me but I'm fucktrated (one of my new words and you're welcome to use it) with the new windows XP... mainly with the way the "dumb" cursor works, or rather, doesn't work. With my old Windows '95 once you clicked on something you had a small hour glass that would rotate, indicating that things were working.... With the new & improved (?) XP, the cursor sits there like a dummy and leaves you wondering as to what in the hell is going on or is not going on? Did I click? Do I need to double click? Is it loading? Is it taking me somewhere else? Is my system frozen? What? What? Talk to me?
So I wait.................and wait..................and nothing happens........ So I click again.... and wait some more and still nothing happens... Impatient I click a few more times.... Still nothing......... All of a sudden 15 windows start popping up.... and they're all copies of the same page, file or program.......... AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Delete... curse &^%$#@ ..... delete *(^&%$#)@..... delete and curse some more &&*^%%##
Fuckstration!!!!!! I feel that the (&amp;amp;amp;amp;%&#@%) does help in getting the message through as it then begins to open windows virtually on command or until it feels that it wants to test my patience again.... Why did they do away with something that was useful????
John
Tags; Rant, Fustration, Computer, Cursor,
Hi everyone,
I just received and e-mail question from a college student wanting information on stress management. My answer was spontaneous and brief and I feel prompted to share it with you, so here it is.
***********************************
Subject: Stress Management
Question -
Dear Mr. Rieger:
I am a college student in Philadelphia, and I am writing an article on ways to reduce and manage stress for a Feature Writing class I am currently taking.
I'm wondering if you can explain to me a few helpful tips to reduce/manage stress. I'd appreciate any information you can give me; however, I would love to know about any special “best kept secret” tips that are either overlooked, “outside of the box,” or aren't commonly known by the public.
Thank you in advance! Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or would like to discuss these tips.
Sincerely,
123 ABCDEF
***********************************
Answer -
Hey 123,
Ahhhsooo Grasshopper! The best kept secret is simply one word, "DENIAL" and that you will find ... "inside"... the box.
Shenreed
PS: Now doesn't that simple phrase speak volumes.... Embellish on it and you have what you're looking for and more. :)
"Food for thought"
John
For more thoughts on denial.... check out the Message Board
Hi Again,
I'm sure you've noticed the sleek little "Audio Player" in the side bar and if you've played it you will also sense my frustration in trying to get it working but now that I've "clued in" I'm beginning to see new possibilities for this form of web media.
Beside recording audio messages in an MP3 format that can be emailed or downloaded, Odeo also has podcasting, similar to blogging except that it's in audio. What I'm thinking of doing next is to create audio files that I could not only podcast (Blog) them, but also write a brief with a link that I could post on this Blog or/and on my Message Board. Humm, as I typed that I can also see that I'm going to have to resurrect "Dragon Naturally Speaking" a voice activated program that changes audio to written text, as that will save a lot of typing.
Well I'm off to do some more exploring and experimenting and I'll let you know what I find.
John
Another tool that I feel I'll be using is from Audacity for adding music background and special audio effects on my podcasts.
Hi again
Recently I've had to do some computer realted problem solving and it's been a learn as you go process. My solutions to "slow downs" and "freezes" has been to purge my internet cookies, files and history and then run "disk cleanup" then "disc defragment" and finally run Registry Mechanic and then re-boot the system. My computer would work fine for a few hours or maybe days and then it would begin do the same thing. I had been careful to scan any files I downloaded so what else was and is going on?
In my ignorance I figured that if I had Norton and PC Spyware doctor that I was safe and protected - WRONG. It's not that they don't work, it's that they don't catch everything that's out there on the Net. So I began to search the net for information and other spyware to help my computer fend off these attacks. After a myriad of searches and reads I decided to download a free program called Spybot - Search & Destroy. I wouldn't go into the details of what happened as you can read that at the following Spybot S&D Forum post "Download with a "Surprise"
I was pleasantly surprised that I got a quick reply from a "real person" so I decided to download the program again and this time it worked. I posted my results and again I got a reply from a real person and I also got links to the real information that I was looking for called The Spyware Warrior that also provides a "List of Rogue/Suspect Anti-Spyware Products & Web Sites" and it was last updated Apr 23 2006. That also linked me up to another site called The Adware Report with tons of information.
I feel that there are a lot of people out there that are ignorant like me when it comes to computers and the internet. What we don't see, hear or know can hurt us or rather our computers. That's why I'm posting this piece, to share some "tools" of knowledge to arm ourselves against the forces that desire to cause harm. This "war" or being attacked is far from over but I'm beginning to separate the truth from the illusion of truth.
Hummm. I find it's interesting that there is this parallelism between the computer being attacked and we "humans" being attacked and in both cases, it's energy that is involved.
Humm, more food for thought.
John
Hi again
Well I might call this post " Sunday Sermon" or "Rant" even though it's only Saturday.
I'm again being activated by religion or rather religious BeliefS. Maybe this is all a test to see if I'm going to go back to my old programs and try to be nice and understanding according to their religious point of view, which from personal experience, is a confusing no win situation. Although an email sparked this post, the story line is one I've heard over and over and so I will combine their stories.
This morning I got an email from a person asking for my opinion and advice on depression, but instead of talking about their feelings, the first words they wrote were that they were devoutly religious, "born again" Christian and a follower of the Lord years and that "being saved" was the best thing that has ever happened to them. They then went on to say that they have been through a lot of “mental” changes over the past few years and that they have been having a hard time really caring about anything or anyone anymore and were not sure what has happened to them. They were no longer motivated and were constantly over-eating and depressed; in stark contract to how their life used to be so which was disciplined and controlled. They hope and pray that things will change or they constantly tell themselves that they will change even though they know that they won't. That they are on a merry-go-round and can't seem to get out of the cycle and can't stay motivated and focused long enough change the life that they are experiencing. And then they conclude by saying that they know they are sinners and weak, because they are human but that Jesus died for their sins and that God forgives them because they are saved.
My reply was to the point.
I'm not confused, but I know you are. If you have been a devote follower of the Lord for years as you say you are, and that it's the best thing that ever happened to you, then why are you asking me for help, shouldn't you be talking to your Lord and following his advice or at least the advice of your religious institution.... no matter what.
Secondly, by your asking (ME) for help.... you are also silently insinuating (in denial and not saying it out loud as then you would hear your own judgments) that the lord isn't doing his job right and that his will is not what you want, and that you know how to do his job better than he does, which is actually saying that you want to be God in his place. So make up your mind and either walk your religious "Babble" that you keep saying is so great, or get off the BS box and get real. I'm not going to waste my time (but I still am in writing this e-mail) with religious people who always have a convenient "out" by quoting the bible or by blessing, or praying for my deliverance and denying the real issues when confronted with the truth. The favorite Christian "out" of having to take personal responsibility for their actions and feelings is to wash them away (denial) and be cleansed, by giving them up to the lord. They then deny that they have any of the issues that they brought up and insist that if their suffering is Gods will, then so let it be as their glory will be in Heaven. Yadda, yadda, yadda. And once they’ve blessed you, know that any further conversation you attempt is then considered the work of the devil.
Another area of confusion that comes up during these conversations is the difference between mental and emotions problems. Mental relates to the mind, to thinking and ideas as in (2 + 2 = 4), while emotions, including depression, relates to the way one feels about experiences. But that’s another topic.
Have a nice day, Amen! (And I quietly step off the soap box)
John
PS: This post is related to one I posted earlier on my issues with religion and Being a Hypocrite
