I have some insights as to what has been going on that I'd like to share with you. I'll begin with more from my journal entries, but with additional comments.
Sunday morning, 10:35 a.m. I was finishing my second cup of coffee as I picked up the Yellow book; number five in the series called the Right Use of Will. I flipped it open to wherever page it happened to open to and began to read. As I read, I understood what I was now working on, it was my imprinting. (I can’t possibly begin to explain where I’m coming from at this time but feel my words as best you can. We are a spiritual being having a human experience. Our original feelings of longing, desire, a need to love and be loved, produced movement and the reaching toward light and love but instead of receiving love, we were struck instead by a light that was unloving, and it was this unloving light and strike that imprinted and programed us.)
As I was reading, I realized that that was also part of the reason I was attracted to the woman I mentioned earlier. It wasn’t only her that I was attracted to but, but also to the woman she reminder me of that I originally had feelings for but denied. I was also responding to my original imprinting of longing to love and be loved but also afraid of it at the same time, afraid that I would be struck and rejected and so I denied to avoid the pain. To avoid the pain I had to deny any expression of my fears, hopes, dreams and desires, feelings and emotions. I wasn’t responding to love, but to unlovingness, denial and the imprinting that said that longing and desire were wrong as were the expression of feelings and emotions. Furthermore, my mental beliefs and my denials were also unloving to my emotional self that wanted to express.
But then there was a shift when I ended my denials and I called her and expressed myself as best I could. And while it wasn’t complete, it was enough to move some of the imprinting and programming so that when I went to the dance, the attraction I originally had, that I felt so strongly was gone, not that it was “gone,” but there was no longer the compulsive, obsessive, possessive, consuming desire but rather a soothing calmness that I had never experienced before and that I never understood in the moment it was happening until now.
Starting over is another imprint that I feel I will be working on. I have always wanted life to be the way I hoped and dreamed it would be, not the way it was or is. Humm? These imprints and programs are so deeply ingrained in us that we don't even know that we have them. To be able to have or receive what I truly desire, I need to let go of my imprints, programs and beliefs that say that this is the way that love and life are. That I just have to accept it as it is because that’s human nature, and that’s reality. NO! That may be the way it was and is in this moment, but it’s not the way it was suppose to be and it’s not what I want or desire.
This is a long way from being over, but I’ll close for now.
(end of part 4 of - )
For those that are interested in the next part of my ongoing journey, I’m basically copying this from my journal entry that I did at 4:00 a.m. Sunday morning.
Well I went to the dance on Saturday night and it was a different experience again. The woman that I had mentioned in the previous posts was there but I only danced with here three or four times. It was a strange feeling as I had the awareness that I wasn’t attracted to her like I was the last time I saw her or when I talked to her on the phone. I couldn’t figure it out then and still don’t know why. There were half a dozen other single women there that I danced with most of the evening, three that I never met before.
I also found myself letting go of some of my inhibitions in that I got up and tried the meringue, a dance that I did in a workshop a couple of months back but had almost all but forgotten as I never practiced it. She had different moves than what I had learned so I was following her and learning as I went. I also learned a couple of new steps in the cha-cha, rumba and foxtrot during the dances, with awareness that eyes were watching us.
An interesting thing in this moment is that I can clearly see the faces of the people that I was associating with last night. I can also see what they were wearing if I had focused on it at the time. This is a new experience for me as I normally can’t visualize faces or objects. I could be looking at something and close my eyes and it’s gone, there’s a blank slate before my eyes. I have a general memory of it but no visuals.
Another interesting thing I was aware of was that every woman I danced with was different, not only did they dance differently but they felt different. One was light as a feather for 60% of the step, or movement and then I could feel her compress or hold back in the remaining 40% of the step. It was like sliding on ice and then hitting a sandy patch. Another felt dense and heavy and still another felt stick-like, and jerky and then there were others that you could feel life and passion in their steps and movements, but also something else that I can’t quite put my finger on in this moment.
One thing that’s coming out of all this is that I’m beginning to see that dancing is another way of being able to know people on different levels that they don’t present during a conversation or other activity. It’s like dancing is an expression of their soul including their emotions and issues. I just had this visualization that dancing is very much like getting undressed in front of strangers, and being exposed for them to see the real you and not the one that hides behind their clothes. Another thing was when I was sitting out a dance I would watch others and I could also feel them covering up and putting on a façade.
End of part 3 of 5)
Posted by John Rieger at 1:41 p.m.
I haven’t posted much on my present living situation and my relationships with those living here. The guy I’m renting the room from, I’ll call him “Moe” is totally the opposite of me in a lot of ways and yet the same in others, or like I used to be.
He is married but has extra-curricular activities. He doesn’t go into details but when we would enter into the topic of relationships he would offer up comments like, "I have to get rid of this one as she’s getting way to personal, now she wants to know my name." Another one was,”she asked me if I’d lie to her" and I told her, “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies." Still another was, "You can’t get emotionally involved when you’re having sex as it just spoils having a good time.”
It’s also interesting as he takes things I’ve said and twists them around into half truths that he then uses to confuse, bewilder, manipulate and control the women and men in his life and I told him that this morning. He tried to change the subject to the weather, then he went to do some cleaning and I caught him at both attempts to get away and avoid what I was saying. He then stopped and nervously began scratching his head claming that it was getting hot in here. My reply to him was "and you know why because I’m telling the truth." He looked at me and we began to laugh, both for different reasons.
So here I am working on my sexuality, passion and emotional issues and I’m living in a house where sex is as cold, impersonal and casual as … I can’t find the words to describe it in this moment as I don’t know what that would feel like. He says that his relationships are unconditional with no strings attached. He also says that there are no emotions involved as far as he is concerned and that he makes that perfectly clear before he starts. I feel that he’s lying about having any feelings or emotions and that he tries to hide and totally deny them out of fear of feeling vulnerable and this being hurt again.
Anyway, I’ll close for now, but I felt that I had to let you know what else is going on in my life simultaneously so that you can get a look at the bigger picture.
Posted by John Rieger at 3:54 p.m.
(Part 2 of 5)
I danced most of the songs that I knew the steps to with three of the four women at the table. There was only during one song that I had an opportunity to talk to her and while it was awkward for me at first, as we talked I began to feel comfortable as I discovered that we had many things in common including our search for our selves and our spirituality. While it would have been nice to carry on with the conversation, this was a dance, and so we danced, but not always with each other. It was interesting to compare the feelings I got from both the mother and daughter as I danced with both during the evening. The daughter was what I would call alive, passionate and expressive in her dancing while the mother was more mechanical and subdued is as best as I can describe it, although I could feel that underneath the controlled façade, she also had the same passion that the daughter had but it wasn’t being expressed. The dance ended at midnight and we all split up and went our separate ways although I still would have liked to take to her.
I hummed and hawed until Wednesday evening to call the daughter to get her mothers phone number. I felt like a nervous school boy in reverse; that I was talking to the daughter asking her for her mothers’ number. I feel she sensed my nervousness as she softly chucked and gave me her number. I called, but there was no answer and the answering machine had a French message so I just said what I had to and left my name and number. About an hour later she called me back and we spoke for a good hour on the phone. We discussed many topics relating to our personal lives which I wouldn’t go into at this time but it was interesting how we both lived parallel lives in some instances. There is another dance coming up this Saturday evening and she is going along with others members of her dance group, part of which were the people I met last week. I stated that I had been to the last two and that I had planned to go to this one too.
As I was writing the last sentence I realized that I had meet two younger women at the last dance a month ago that were also taking lessons and that I danced quite a bit with during the evening. I remember feeling that both these women were passionate about their dancing and that they danced as if they were fire so to speak yet each was different. One danced like an active fire, with flames and rhythmic movements while the other danced with the shimmering heat of deep glowing and smoldering embers. Humm? It should be an interesting Saturday night! I’ll let you know in a couple of days.
PS: In my attempt to keep this post short I failed to mention that during our telephone conversation I expressed whatever issues, fears and emotions that came up.
PPS: One important thing I also forgot to mention was that this woman also reminded me of another woman that I took ballroom dancing lessons with 16 years ago after I got divorced. I was attracted to her but the only thing we did was dance lessons once a week and the odd practice. More of my denied and lost hopes, dreams and desires. It's interesting how all these little "personal" things that you feel aren't relevant or important are at the very crux of the issues you are dealing with.
Posted by John Rieger at 2:48 p.m.
While it’s been a while since I’ve posted any personal stuff, that’s not to say that I’m not going through any personal stuff and issues. There’s been a lot going on so I’ll just start at the beginning and try to keep the posts readable. I’ve been working on dealing with my issues of sexuality and healing my chakras. I feel that the physical illness that I’ve been going through the past few months is part of this healing process. Sexuality isn’t just about sex, but includes desire, passion, excitement, lust, warmth, sensuality, attraction, romance, and a host of other adjectives as well as all the fears, issues, guilt and shame that these emotions bring up.
On Tuesday, April 11, I was told about a ballroom dance in a nearby town on the upcoming Saturday evening. The young woman who told me about the dance is not a ballroom dance teacher but she does competitive dancing. She also helps out in the classes that I’m taking, and that is where I met her. I’ve been to a couple of dances put on by the Dance Instructor where I’ve danced with other students at my level and also with a couple of the assistants, including her. She also told me that at this dance, there would be single women there that I could dance with. I told her I’d think about it and that I’d call her for directions if I decided to go. I wanted to go but at the same time there was a part of me that was just going to pass and make up some excuse. But then I thought that there had to be a reason I was trying to avoid this experience and that’s when I realized that this went back to grades seven and eight, to issues of sexuality, passion, desire, not good enough, being alone, being unaccepted and a host of others yet to surface. Even though I had this insight, I went though this yes-no routine right up to early Saturday evening when I decided to go.
There was a lot going on in my personal life during grades seven and eight, but what is relevant is that I was struggling to find some form of social acceptance and I was also becoming aware of my sexuality. I had overheard other guys in the neighborhood saying what fun they had at the local dances and I knew that dancing also involved girls. I though that if I could be like them I would be accepted by them and that I might also find a girl friend. At the same time I felt intimidated as I didn’t know how to dance and I didn’t know any girls that were going and I was too shy, afraid and ashamed to ask any that I knew. I was also split on going to the dances as according to my mother and the Catholic Religion, dancing was a sin and evil, so I couldn’t ask my Mother to teach me to dance. My mother also teased and shamed me about any attraction to, or involvement with girls. Eventually I got up the courage to go to the dance by myself but I never danced the first two or three times I went as I just watched and tried to learn the steps. When I finally got the nerve to get out on the floor, the only dances I tried were a slow foot shuffling waltz with an old fashioned butterfly dance that was a simple form of line dance with two basic movements that was danced by three people, two girls and a guy or two guys and a girl. Jive was way too fast and complicated for me at the time as no one showed me the steps and everyone seemed to be doing it differently.
Anyway, back to the present. I had hummed and hawed all week as to whether I’d go or not, and I finally decided to go just to see what issues it brought up. Needless to say, I never called to tell her yea or nay or for directions. It was a cool and rainy evening as I made my way up the back roads to the small town community centre and after a couple of wrong turns I finally found the place. I went in and looked around and couldn’t see anyone that I knew but I bought my ticket anyway and walked up to the bar to get a drink. As I left the bar, I was greeted by a man that I had seen at one of the earlier dances and he approached me and asked me if I wanted to sit at their table at the far end of the hall, I breathed a sigh of relief as I joined his wife and another couple. A few minutes later the young woman that I mentioned earlier and another young woman came to the table where she introduced the other woman as her mother. I was confused and surprised as when I saw them approaching, I thought that the mother was an older sister. It was at that point that I realized that I was attracted to her mother and that I also had desire to know more.
To be continued. End of part (1 of 5)
PS: Just to let you know how much I was, and am, into my issues; I even got three zitts on my face. :) I'm feeling young again Ha Ha!
PPS: Edited '06 June 07 (added the 5 in 1 of -)
Posted by John Rieger at 2:55 p.m.
I received this email from a friend and it had me roaring.. I'd like to share it with you...
Stun gun ....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Posted by John Rieger at 9:15 a.m.
I've known about the 911 cover-up since I first saw it unfold on TV and saw the first and only videos from the Pentagon. The truth is far more unbelievable that the denials presented as truth. I've discussed it with several people who are all over the place as to what really happened. I've never really tried to find any web info on it as I've never had the internet opportunity or desire at the time, but last night I stumbled on a site and WOW, it re-awakend old memories as the pictures spoke volumes, you have to see it. There were four seperate incidences that day, two of which we have undeniable evidence of plane craches. However, the Pentagan & the Penselvania field crashes leave strong doubt. For those that are interested, the link is at ThePowerHour and although it's called ThePowerHour it has nothing to do the religion and The Hour of Power or something like that.
One thing that I have to mention here is that when you look at the videos and pictures of the Pentagon that were supposedly hit by a 757 commercial jet, the above site implies that there was the possibility of a missile being involved. I suggest you go one step further, to the possibility of a damaged UFO crashing into the pentagon and all that that inplies??
How the UFO was damaged has to do with the third plane that "supposedly" went down in a field in Pennsylvania. How and by what means were they damaged; starwars technology maybe? But why would they (the US Government) shoot down a private US plane? Were the hijackers overpowered, and if so, what would that mean? Why would a UFO be going to the Pentagon? And Hey! If a UFO hit the Pentagon, then where is fourth plane. Humm, Got you thinking now...
PS: I guess the US government and US military will be checking out my site more often than usual now that I'm speaking the unspeakable. BUT HEY, Bush! Isn't that what free speech and the democracy that you're supporting all about? Or is that a lie too?
PPS: I've created a 911 photo blog at the following link 911 Cover-up "Smoke & Mirrors" I downloaded pictures from numerous sites on the net and in my haste and excitement I forgot to identify the websites I got them from. So to all those people that took the pictures and posted them on the net and that I copied, I want to say thank you.
Posted by John Rieger at 12:01 p.m.