'04 Dec 17
Well another twist in my journey, as this morning I was touching how I was abandoned by my Father. Not that he physically left the family, but he became more absent as he "withdrew" and worked harder. He couldn't deal with the issues with my mother and her and his and others expectations and judgments.
I also recognized that I did the same thing with my children, altought at the time I called it having a "positive attitude." When I could no longer handle, face or deal with the issues that my present work and marriage was bringing up or not bringing up, I withdrew into myself and my new work which at that time was starting my own Cable TV planning and design consulting company. "IT" became my world and it sucked the life out of me but because it was in a different form, I didn't recognize it for a long time.
I also thought I was still there for them as a "loving" PROVIDER and care giver, giving them what they wanted and needed which I also believed was LOVE at that time. And, the more I gave, the more they all seemed to need and I could never win, so I worked all the harder.
Like the picture of the donkey always walking forward to try to bite the carrot tied to a string that is dangling from a stick out in front of him. He will never get it, although he THINKS he will if he just takes another step. DAH!!!! What an ASS.
I feel that's part and parcel of the DEATH and loss I was feeling before, but I haven't tied them together, YET.
Oh Yes, Another thing I'm touching is that besides denying things that we don't like about ourselves, we also deny things that we do like, our lost greatness. We deny our greatness because of guilt and shame and what other people might think, say or do to us for being as great and as talented as we really are.
Cheers for now
'04 Dec 17