'03 June 06
I spent four days last week painting and repairing a cottage to make some money to keep me going, to survive. I got call today to paint and do some repairs to the cottage next door, which I accepted. While there is a part of me that enjoys what I'm doing, there's another part of me that knows that that part of me is still doing it in denial because he has to and his fear of survival if he has no money. So while I may say I enjoy it, the bottom line is that I'm really doing it for the money, to survive, to eat, for gas and other things like getting more letters out to other publishers. All that so that I can make some money when I sell the book and then I'll be OK. But I've never been OK, no matter how much money I had.
I have issues coming up posting the "how to" section as I am torn between two worlds and my inner critic is having a field day with me. This Appendix is an important part of my book and I feel that by sharing it, that a publisher will not want to publish my book because I have made part of it public knowledge and that I'll be sabotaging myself and my book.
Part of the issues I'm presently working on is manifesting my hopes, dreams and desires. BUT, not to manifest them in denial like I am and have been all my existence, but to manifest them in unconditional love. Manifesting in unconditional love is something that I haven't done yet and so it is all new and frightening to me. The old world way is to write the book, get a publisher to market it, he pays me some money for my time and effort and then I use that money to manifest other things that I desire to own or experience. In other words, I sell a part of myself to get money to be able to maybe do the things that I hope, dream and desire to do. Then I asked myself, what is my real intent and purpose of this book? Is it to make money, or to share with others what I've discovered and my dream of a New World? It's the latter. So doing it the OLD World way is to give my power to another, and to also make MONEY the source of my power. I know that MONEY isn't the source of my power or even that it has any power by itself, just what I give it, but it�s all I�ve ever known and experienced. It�s always been barter, trade, compromise, work, and an investment in MY time and MY energy to get money or some form of it. It's now time to end denial, to let go of all the attachments to money and all those OLD programs, imprints, beliefs and judgments that say that THIS is how life is. That these are the rules you have to go by and that you have to EARN money if you want to be happy and manifest your dreams and desires.
To not post the "how to" section is to be in denial and "conditional" love which is controlling and manipulative. I don't want to be there anymore, (been there done that) and so I have a choice. I'm smiling here as I hear a soft voice saying to me what I tell other people, "Release your fears, take a risk, expect the unexpected." So here goes a leap of faith. I'm going to jump off the cliff and see if these newfound wings that I think and feel I have, really can fly. Now I'm in tears as I feel such a comfort around me, supporting me, assuring me that everything will be all right, just not what I expected.
"Healing begins in the Heart"
'03 June 06