’06 Sept 06 Wednesday
When I had arrived and was camping out at Irenes, I told Jen I’d probably be leaving mid week but I wasn’t sure if I was leaving late Wednesday or Thursday, but as Jen and Cory were discussing their separate plans for the day… that they never told me about, I decided to pack up and leave. I suddenly felt excluded and un-welcome as they had their day already planned… without me. I felt that the whole purpose of my visiting with them was so that we could spend some time together and while I spoke with Jen a bit, I hardly spoke with Cory. I know they also have a life and it’s not like they have to babysit me or spend all their free time with me, but it would be nice to know what was going on so that I could also make plans, but then again, I could have asked and I didn’t.
I also felt an un-easy-ness with them this morning as if something had been said between them during the night but that they didn't want to talk about it. I had stated my views on the "benifit" to them and on all the "stuff" that was going on in and around it and I felt that they felt that I wasn't really a nice guy and happy for my friend or understanding how people were only trying to help and be nice and kind. I also didn’t say anything then (more denial) and decided to roll up my sleeping bag and say farewell and heard for Woodstock.
When I was still in the Maritimes, my ex-wife, Marian had invited me to stay at her place in Woodstock. I called her on my cell phone and slowly made my way down through Barrie, Newmarket, and Richmond Hill, then onto the 401 to Woodstock. Traffic was heavy and I went through three thunder storms and arrived around 5:00 p.m. I met Gary, a border that she had taken in a few weeks back and as she was preparing to leave to go to a meeting, I just brought a few things in and made myself comfortable in the spare bedroom. I called my daughter, Janice who also lives in town and then had a shower. I briefly talked to Marian when she came home and went to bed around 9:30 p.m. as I was tired.
Before I went to sleep I wrote the following in my journal.
I feel lost and alone. I feel that Irene is gone for now and that Jen and Cory are busy doing their thing. Even before my visit I hardly talked to Jen as she never answered her phone or returned my calls. I feel she’s kind of distant. While we still have things in common, she talks like we’re not even on the same page. She says she has experienced all these things yet she doesn’t apply them in her life. She says that I infuriate her in that I don’t let her finish and that I interrupt her and that my questions are not important as we are really talking about the same thing.
For me, she says one thing and I challenge her as it’s the opposite of what is really true, and she reverses herself and then says that that was what she said, or meant to say and that if I hadn’t of interrupted her, that I would have found that out… It’s a replay of what happened between us six years ago when I had my awakening and she was doing the same thing… When I challenged her that time, and spoke the truth of what she was denying, she also called me evil and unloving and asked me to leave and I never spoke to her for two years after that.
Hummm? I wonder what all this means? It’s like I’m caught in a time warp and while there is movement, there is no “real” movement or healing present…
’06 Sept 06 Wednesday