I was on the phone with my friend Irene this morning and she asked me why I hated being a man and then she also stated that I had judgments on people especially if they were big, sick or old. I was confused by her statement, but I felt and knew that she said it for a reason. Several hours later I got it the implications of it and it's HUGE. I'm now going to post what I wrote in my journal...
After supper I was thinking of what Irene had said and I came to the realization that what I was really judging was BODY, my Body. My judgments on other people, male-female, big- small, healthy-unhealthy, young-old, are not about them or their body but is what I judge against my body; past present and future. All the little nuances, the nit picking likes and dis-likes are all judgments and issues I have against form (Body) If it's not the way I like it or I think others like it, then I judge it as lacking, incomplete and unacceptable and that's self-hatred.
Illness is a major judgment as I don't want my body to to be sick as I don't like the feeling or the fact that it keeps me from doing what I (Mind) want it to. The next major judgment against my body is it ages, as getting old means that I'm not as healthy or as strong as I once was. I'm losing my youth, my vigor. My hair is turning gray, my skin is losing its elasticity and I'm getting wrinkles, my muscles are losing their tone and my joints are sometimes stiff and sore.
An associated judgment is one of sexuality, as the older you are the less desirable you are and the more inadequate and worthless you feel and the more you despise your body for letting you down. Your body is slowing down and you can't do what you once did in your youth and physical pleasures are diminishing although your desires remain unchanged. You make these judgments based on what you see and hear happening to older people around you as you believe that time is fleeting and limited and that death in inevitable.
These judgment are nothing new, it's just that now I'm aware of them in a different light, as self-hatred is exposed for what it really is. All my life I've had some form of hatred toward my Body; not old enough, big enough, strong enough, freckles, pimples, teeth, hair, arms and legs too skinny and on and on the list of self-hatred goes.
Next to hating and controlling our undesired and unwanted emotions we are equally obsessed with hatred toward our bodies. Just think of all the clothes we buy to make us look and feel better by covering us up and putting on a facade, an illusion, so that we can hide what we don't want others to see. The cosmetic industry caters to women's issues of self-hatred for their physical appearance and now the medical community has jumped in and offers the use of cosmetic surgery to alter our physical appearance. Then there are the host of health related products and drugs that are supposed to re-vitalize our body and bring back our health, youth and increase our sex drive. The use of drugs also crosses over to our emotional based self-hatred issues where drugs are used to numb us and to make us feel good. Even exercise and fitness is a form of self-hatred if you really think about it.
And just as big on the other end of the same denial and self-hatred teeter-totter are the people who don't care what they look like, that abuse their bodies physically and sexually, that eat, drink, do drugs, that don't care if they are sick and actually enjoy having an illness or a physical injury although they will deny it. Others eat or don't eat so that they will feel safe knowing that they aren't considered attractive.
Wow! this is BIG! I though my judgments against my Emotions and Feelings were big, but this is just as big. I've been working on healing my Will, (feelings and emotions) for years and now I feel it's time to do the same with my Body. While this appears to be a separate topic or issue, I know that it's not only connected to my feelings and emotions and my mind (imprints, programs and beliefs) and to healing our bodies, but I also feel it has something to do with space and time, but I don't know how... yet!
I stopped writing and called Irene back. Like I said, this is huge and significant in ways I have yet to explore and experience. I'll keep you posted and if you have any comments, I'd like to hear from you.