B35 - A dance within a dance

Hi Again,

I haven’t posted much on my present living situation and my relationships with those living here. The guy I’m renting the room from, I’ll call him “Moe” is totally the opposite of me in a lot of ways and yet the same in others, or like I used to be.

He is married but has extra-curricular activities. He doesn’t go into details but when we would enter into the topic of relationships he would offer up comments like, "I have to get rid of this one as she’s getting way to personal, now she wants to know my name." Another one was,”she asked me if I’d lie to her" and I told her, “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies." Still another was, "You can’t get emotionally involved when you’re having sex as it just spoils having a good time.”

It’s also interesting as he takes things I’ve said and twists them around into half truths that he then uses to confuse, bewilder, manipulate and control the women and men in his life and I told him that this morning. He tried to change the subject to the weather, then he went to do some cleaning and I caught him at both attempts to get away and avoid what I was saying. He then stopped and nervously began scratching his head claming that it was getting hot in here. My reply to him was "and you know why because I’m telling the truth." He looked at me and we began to laugh, both for different reasons.

So here I am working on my sexuality, passion and emotional issues and I’m living in a house where sex is as cold, impersonal and casual as … I can’t find the words to describe it in this moment as I don’t know what that would feel like. He says that his relationships are unconditional with no strings attached. He also says that there are no emotions involved as far as he is concerned and that he makes that perfectly clear before he starts. I feel that he’s lying about having any feelings or emotions and that he tries to hide and totally deny them out of fear of feeling vulnerable and this being hurt again.

Anyway, I’ll close for now, but I felt that I had to let you know what else is going on in my life simultaneously so that you can get a look at the bigger picture.

John