(A follow up to Message Board post 103-04 Denial-Asking and Telling)
It's interesting how the universe brings us things to experience. The other day I wrote a piece # 103-04 on Denial, Asking and Telling and while I had awareness of it, the Universe still felt I needed some more experience, healing and understanding. What I'm going to be sharing is what I wrote in my Journal. I know that sharing a personal example is also a lot more effective than just talking about it as it gives the other person something to relate to that they can understand.
I had just finished cutting the back lawn when the Italian neighbor lady came out and began talking to me about the birds and how they were shitting all over the place became Jock, my ex-father-in-law whose place I'm staying at, was feeding the birds. She pointed to two droppings on the side of the light above her back door and to a couple of dropping at the base of the chain link fence that separated the two properties. She also pointed to a few droppings on the rock garden on Jocks property. She TOLD me in her broken English to "tell Mr. Wats not to feed the birds no more, so they don't come around and poop all over the place." While I acknowledged the bird droppings, I didn't agree to tell him what she said, but neither did I disagree or say I wouldn't tell Jock.
As I made my way back to the house I suddenly realized that I was in denial of what I was really feeling. I realized that I didn't want to get into a disagreement like I did with the neighbor on the west side last winter, when he shoveled the snow off his driveway and onto our walkway, but that's another story. I also realized that I had been TOLD what to do and that I was being controlled and manipulated to do someone else's dirty work. Jock has been feeding the birds for years and she never said anything to him, so why now?
I toyed with the idea of telling Jock but decided not to, and to wait and see what else developed. Sure enough, on Sunday Jock approached me and asked me where I had bought the birdseed for him the last time and if I would drive him down to pick some up as he was almost out. I never said anything about the neighbor and drove him to pick up the seed. Usually he�s buy one five-pound bag but this time he picked up two ten-pound bags. I smiled and though to myself, whatever is going to happen with Jock, the neighbor, the birds is between them and I will tell the woman so, the next time I see her.
Almost a week later, on May 9, I was still thinking of the neighbor and the bird issue as I still haven't seen her or said anything to Jock who's happy feeding his birds. Several times I've had an internal dialogue of confronting her and stating that I wasn't going to be "told" what to do by her. And that if she turned it around and said that she wasn't "telling" me, but only �asking� me, then I would say no, that I wasn't going to do that either. That she would have to talk to Jock directly and I wasn't a going to do her dirty work. I also decided that I would not defend Jocks position to feed the birds, but let him decide what he wanted to do and that I would also my story and issues as they came up.
I was also having another nagging feeling tugging at me to not wait until I see her outside, but to go over and tell her that I didn�t tell Jock like she told me to and also why I didn't. Today I realized that the nagging voice was Guilt. It also had it roots back to my childhood and my mother and that if I didn�t do or say as she told me then I had to confess my wrong doings, my sins (church beliefs) as I was bad and didn�t obey my parents.
I later realized that I still had other programs and imprints on top of the guilt. They had to do with my beliefs of honour, giving your word, changing your mind, and other beliefs, all relating to the belief that my words and actions are "cast in stone" and that I can't change them. Because I didn't say I wouldn't tell Jock and I denied myself, I therefore felt that I basically said or lead her to assume that I would. Along with the guilt I had, I was further torn by this belief of "cast in stone." Of how you can't go back on your word, even if you didn't say it and because you didn't dis-agree, you basically agreed, and if you agreed, you have to keep your word. Otherwise, you're a liar, have no morals, scruples, dignity, conscious, and all the rest that would have me HONOUR my word and keep up the appearance of "false pride".
On May 11 I had more insights on the "cast in stone" issue. I have other beliefs that even if I did something and found out later that it's not what I wanted or that I did it while on auto pilot, denial, (humm, an new phrase I just thought up for being in denial) or doing it out of guilt. I came to the realization that if it now involves another person, it's no disservice to them for me to take back what I really didn't want to give (my power) and if they are open, it's no big deal as they weren't looking to GAIN at my expense. If however, they were looking to take my power, to gain at my expense, then they will have an issue with me taking my power back, but that is their issue. Nothing is cast in stone, there are no rules except the ones you make or others make and you feel you have to live by them. As I'm writing this I can feel that it even applies to what we call "physical" laws of the Universe and even to time and space. Laws, any laws, are limitations.
All this was very subtle and I was amazed at just how it all played itself out for awareness and release. I thought I'd share this "ongoing" healing process with you to show you how one thing leads to another and how they are all interconnected by denial. And to also show you how twisted our beliefs and programs are and how we�ve been blindly living our life by them on Auto Pilot.
"Healing begins in the Heart"