This is my first "real time" blog post. In all this change with getting my new laptop and being full time on the web, I also decided to re-activate my Experts account. I'm in catagories, New Age, Meditation, Dealing with deprerssion, Anxiety disorders and Stress management. I've had five questions in the first two days and I realized that the one common theme that is currently coming up is that while people find it hard to love another in the relationships that they're in, they find it impossible to love themselves. And what is also evident is that they have no concept of what self love really means, other than a falses sense of being in control or more self sacrifice. They are too busy being caught up in either trying to change the other person or themselves, to MAKE the relationship work, to see what the real issues are and why.
It just remined me of a poem I channeled a few years ago called Going in Circles (601-03)
'05 May 15
I didn't realize but its been over two months since I last posted to my journal. I'll try to briefly bring you up to speed, present day.
I left the place I was staying at in my last post on March 31. I've moved into another rooming house with 4 guys in the basement and another older (75 year old man) on my (main) floor and then there are 2 more upstairs.
I also started working for another handyman on March 2 and have been busy at that. I've made enough money to fixup my truck and to also buy myself a new laptop computer. Someone around the neighbnourhood has wireless internet and I'm able to conect to the net for free.
My son has also gotten me a "REAL" web site domain name http://saysame.com/ and a host and has also provided me with a lot of ideas and opportunities to expand. I tried other names but they were either taked or I could get a weird .yhd or whatever ad I wanted a .com address Then I got SAYS A ME and it felt right...as it can be used in a variety of ways.
I'm going to be transfering this journal site to my site on "BLOGGER" http://www.blogger.com/home and my comments will be posted both on my web site and on blogger and published on the net.
I haven't been writing in my "longhand" journal too much these past couple of months either but neither have I been actived like I have in the past... Sometimes I wonder what's going on? Have I dropped "off" my path? But then there are moments when I know I haven't and I feel I have been given this time for rebuilding and a re-grouping.
Well that's it's for now.
PS, I almost forgot to mention that I'm going to be on the move again. This time moving to the East coast of Canada.. This will be somtime in June...
Posted by John Rieger at 10:14 p.m.
'05 Feb 20
During the past few weeks I'd gone to the point of almost total exhaustion from lack of sleep. The landlord, used to work till 10:30 - 11:00 pm and then I could go to bed and not be awakend. Then he began working later and he was also getting phone calls and talking until sometimes 2:00 a.m. Other times, he'd finish at 11:00 and then come back around 11:30 and begin working on puting some computers together. Needless to say I was just getting to sleep when a noise would awaken me and that was it as I'd be waiting for the next "thump or ring to wake me up. It was getting to a point that I was walking into walls and I didn't drive as I wasn't aware enough.
On wednesday night 12:30 a.m. he decided to open the door between the kitchen/living room and in so doing the birds started to squalk and woke me up. I asked him to close the door as the bird was distrubing me. He said go ahead. When I came out of the bathroom, he was not in the room but the door was still open and in going past it, I slamed it shut. He wouldn't come in, but he sent his little wife to see me. I talked to her a few minutes before going to bed. I told her that he keeps the door closed all day as he doesn't want to be distrubed by the other birds chirping, the dog or even his son, and that I have to be quiet when he's on the phone or the computer so as to not distrub him. But that after midnight, when other people are sleeping, he doesn't care if he distrubs them and I asked why the two sets of rules. She then said that she perfered it when the room was rented out to students as they said nothing. I asked her if saying nothing was "good" and saying anything that distrubes his highness was "bad" and sure, students aren't going to say anything and challange him like I do.
The next morning he was getting ready to leave for a few days and I was having breakfast. As he passsed, I asked if he was as ignorant as he pretended to be. He glared at me and hissed back, "and are you are rude as you pretent to be. I said that I wasn't pretending. That was the end of our conversation. He went away for a three days last thursday and it was the first time in a long that that I had a good sleep and even some dreams.
Last night and this morning I got the insights as to why I was confused and also how he "hooked" me. There was a time early on when he was whistling one night and I called him on it. The Next day he said he was whistling on purpose and I thought, hey! this guy is really nice. Key word THOUGHT.
I never "felt" anything from him when he said it but I was so anxious to give him the benifit of the doubt, that I denied my feelings. Then a couple of weeks ago he came into my room with the squaky bird. Again I THOUGHT, hey, he's trying to be friendly and the bird wanted to be petted so I thought "nice' bird. BUT all that was a hook again as then he used the bird to get to me to keep me awake.
Once I was in denial, they got into my head and were giving me all sorts of thoughts as to what to put in my book that I'm now writing. The more I wrote, the more confused I began and it was just spiriling down hill until I was able to get some sleep.
I feel that he's a denial spirit, and a good actor as he knows all the little tricks too. He also reminded me of my duel with the dark wizard in my believing that he had morals and scruples, but he was only pretending to have them. It's going to be interesting to see how this unfolds
Posted by John Rieger at 10:11 p.m.
'05 Feb 4
Well here I GrOw again.
Yesterday the little boy of the family whose house I'm staying at, said something and I challanged him as to why he said what he did. He looked a me with a puzzled expression and then began hitting his head with his left hand saying that it was his OTHER brain that made him say that and that it was talking to him now telling him not to tell.
I questioned him further and tried to get him to "see" his so-called OTHER brain but he said he was hiding. When I told him that he had the power to tell this other brain where to go. He looked and me and then said that the other brain said for him not to listen to me. We were interupted when his mother came home. I feel that I'm going to be doing more with him in the near future.
Later last night, I had been working on my computer on my second book and I was already tired at 10:30 but I forced myself to stay awake until 11:00 as Jeff works in the next room until then. I went to brush my teeth at 11:15pm and then went to bed.
No sooner had I turned out the light than Jeff began whistling which is somthing that he normally doesn't do. I opend the door and asked him why he was whistling and he said , "Oh no reason, do you want me to stop?" I said "Yes, I'm going to bed to sleep and I closed the door. He then began talking saying that he wasn't going to whistle anymore and he just kept on with his yadda, yadda, yadda, and I said out loud, "and you can stop talkng too". He was quiet and although I tried to go to sleep I was still awake at 2:00 am
This moning I realized that he reminds me of my brother-in-law Art, in that he uses the same idiot act, the jokey act and if that doesn't work he goes into the whinney, cute little boy act. This moring I confronted him and asked him why he did what he did last night? First he said that he didn't realize that I had gone to bed and then he said that he was only fooling and kidding with me. I said that he knew that it was after 11:00 and I told him that I didn't like his kind of kidding or fooling as it didn't feel loving.
He said he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again. At one point I said the word fuck in my conversation and he said he didn't appreciate me talking like that. Just then his son came in the room and I told him that yes, I wouldn't use that word, not because he doesn't like it or because he told me not to use it but because I don't want to use it as I now realize that his son is around. I also stated that he's probaly heard that word if not at home, then at school, that I'm not protecting him. But that I was angry and it was what I felt in the moment I said it and I have regrets.
I also told him that it's not the real Jeff that I'm ticked off at but at the voice that is controlling Jeff. He looked puzzed and I told him of what his son had said. He asked him if that was true and his son told him that he had another brain that was telling him what do do and that he didn't like it. Jeff tried to dismiss it as some childish fantasy and I said that it's not a fantasy, that it's real and you're the living proof and you don't even know it.
I also expressed my fear in that now that I challenged him and expressed myself, that he would ask me to leave. He said no, that wasn't so and then his son interupted him again and our conversation ended. I then got my jacket and left to come to the library and I left it at that.
I'll let you know how things go as they grow.
PS I'm adding this note as when I read the post, I noticed that the F word was bleeped. I don't remember adding or checking off a profanity filter on this board and it's somthing That I'm going to check out. Not that it really matters as one can say ice cream with the same intent as fuck you and you 'll still get the same message
Posted by John Rieger at 10:09 p.m.
'05 Jan 23
Well nothing MAJOR has happened to me, well that's not entirely true. I did call Nick, the guy who owes me my rental depsoit and he basicly had no ears, just a RAGE mouth and nothing I said penetrated. He now claimed that I was responsible for him having to spend money on new advertizing, and that I should pay for it out of my deposit because it was me that left. I was angry and told him to expect company as I had intent to file charges of assult or to call the fire dept. and report his saftey infractions. I wanted to hurt him back. For hours, I had a voice in my head telling me of all the ways I could get even with him.
Later I was reading in RUOW ( in the process of adding this link I found that Ceanne has a web site up) how there are fragments of us out there in people that we don't know are us. I've had this feeling that Nick and I are connected somehow, but I hadn't figured it out. I thought back to our first encounter and how I felt the tremedous heartbreak in him when I touched his shoulder. That heartbreak wasn't him, as outside me, that heartbreak was me. That was the part of me that lived in heartbreak, terror and denied rage at what had happened to me when I started school.
I called him up but there was no answer, so I left a message. As I was talking I said that I wasn't going to be sending anyone over and that I wasn't going to punish him as he had been punished enough. I mentioned the heartbreak, that I had felt from him as I noted in the last paragraph. As I said that I choked up and my voice quivered and tears filled my eyes.
I still don't know exactly what happened but the voice that had been prompting me to get even was gone. There was an erie silence but yet an profound realization that I was now at peace. Tears of joy now filled my eyes.
A few days later I began to worry about money as I just spent $700 on my truck and now my muffer was going and I also found out that the wheel aligment that I got a couple of months ago was a BUM STEER and that it also wore my front tires. Anyway, a couple of days ago I called around and got a part time job as a handyman working for a handyman. And so while I can't fix my truck, it's not a case of "have to" so it can wait.
Last night I felt aches and pains in my body that I've never felt. Every joint was stiff and painful to move. Even my bones ached, and my muscles were sore and tender. I felt dizzy and disoriented. It felt like I was getting a cold, but I also know that I'm not. I feel that it has something to do with my Chakras and my kundalini, as that is also what I'm being drawn to focus my attention on.
Well that's all for now, I'll keep you posted as I can.
Posted by John Rieger at 10:06 p.m.
'05 Jan 13
Well I picked up some shelving and a couple of chairs at the Salvation Army and I made myself a computer desk so things are getting cosy. I did have to by some sheets and pillows but I got them on sale.
I still haven't got my deposit back and he's been out and also avoiding me. He has a new tennant and I was talking to him. He's pissed off and is looking for another place. Apparently Nick has locked him out of the main part of the rest of the house so he doesn't have access to the bathroom or kitchen.
Well just when it looks like I might be setting in I come to another fork in the road. I had picked up a New Age Magazine and saw an article that they were looking for building, gardening and computer help for the retreat centre that they also have. I wrote them stating that I was interested and also submitted the article on New Years Resolutions 501-08
I received and E-mail back saying that they wanted to meet me and that she also liked my article but wanted me to personalize it. At first I was a little put off and also confused and then I realized that it made sense and I re-wrote it. I was also actived not only by revising my article but also by what she had said and I stated both my activations in the e-mail I send her which I now share. ( text in red)
Anyway, enough explaining or rather "justifying" as my activation and fear is that it wouldn't meet your expectations and that you'll reject it and me in the process. Gee! Even writing an article is a healing experience as it activates more of my unresolved issues on different levels and layers. I can also see how this is related to other issues I'm presently working on. Thanks! John
I also have to say that I don't know how I feel about reading your comment, "giving some of your life energy," but it's activated me. I'm not fully into feeling it yet, but I'll let you know when I have and what it is. Ahh! It's the word "giving" like in the saying, "you have to give to get, or it's the price one has to pay to be part of something. You have to give love to get love," and all the other beliefs associated with "conditional" Love. I don't feel you meant it that way, but that's what was activated in me. This also has to do with co-creating the New World. Humm. Second activation, and all this is coming up with just one email. But this is good! It's healing for me and also letting you see how I work on my issues. I could have denied saying anything, but I feel there are no coincidences and this is all coming up for a reason for me to share. I just realized that this activation also ties in with my previous one and the issues of having to meet your expectations. Thanks again.
Then yesterday she e-mailed me and approved what I had re-written but suggested that I remove the bold type and the underling of certain words. She said I didn't have to and that it was my choice. Again, I was activated but got insights into my issues. I revised it and sent her the following E-mail.
I’ve revised the article and I’ve taken out the underlined and bold words. You’re right AGAIN!!!
It’s interesting how the universe shows us things that we’re not aware of (Dah! Like what I wrote about at the end of my article) A couple of days ago I received an E-mail from a friend and it was almost all typed in bold letters. I felt she was shouting at me. When you shared your bit about underlining and bold I realized that yes, while those words are important to me, I don’t have to SHOUT or try to MAKE another person HEAR me. If they read the article and they’re ready to “hear” and “feel” my words, then they will be activated to do the underlining for themselves.
I wasn’t aware that I was unlovingly, subtly and not so subtly, trying to control and to make others understand what I’ve experienced and know as my truth, and also in a strange way, I was trying to save them. Another part of this is that I still have an issue of feeling not heard, or that what I say, or more importantly, what I feel, is not important. Again it’s another layer of wanting to be accepted and loved by others (outside myself) and not accepting my inner truth, and myself. Many people will read and not understand and that’s OK, as that’s their journey. Instead of “trying to be” whatever... I’ll just be. Another step on my healing journey and I thank you for being honest and forthright and helping me uncover yet another form of denial and unlovingness.
Now I'm working on Lost Will fragmentation in a way that I've never looked at it before, or rather seen or felt it before and also about the "feeling" of fear. I'll keep you posted as I can.
Love, Light and Life,
PS: I'm going to post all three versions of the article (501-08) that I wrote so that you can relate it to what I've posted here.
Posted by John Rieger at 1:34 a.m.
Well here I go again. I've moved, and the ad said furnished, well it ain't, all it had was a bed. (Period) I had to go out and buy some bedding and shelving units for stortage and I also made myself a desk for my computer. I also got some of my camping supplies out to make my meals. Not that there isn't any utensils around, it's just that they not clean and are pilled up in the sink.
A couple of things that I'm already being activated into are the couples arguring and also the mess, especially in the kitchen. BOTH these remind me of my childhood.
Another thing I realized this morning is that I'm not finished with the "last" place yet. I haven't gotten my damage deposit back and I realized that part of my issue is another form of fear of being attacked if I disagreed with him and that I also found myself giving him the benifit of the doubt AGAIN!!! It's also reminding me of my childhood and all the promises my mother and father made to me that they never kept, but I always gave them the benifit of the doubt, what else could I do.
I'm going back today to confront him, both with my fears of being attacked when I tell him what a liar and user he is and that I'll never see my money if I do. I also have another side of me that is telling me to hurt him where he's hurting you, in the pocket book as I could report him for numerous fire, electrical and plumbing code violations.
I'm running out of time, so I'll let you know what happens in my next post.
Posted by John Rieger at 1:31 a.m.
'04 Dec 17
Well another twist in my journey, as this morning I was touching how I was abandoned by my Father. Not that he physically left the family, but he became more absent as he "withdrew" and worked harder. He couldn't deal with the issues with my mother and her and his and others expectations and judgments.
I also recognized that I did the same thing with my children, altought at the time I called it having a "positive attitude." When I could no longer handle, face or deal with the issues that my present work and marriage was bringing up or not bringing up, I withdrew into myself and my new work which at that time was starting my own Cable TV planning and design consulting company. "IT" became my world and it sucked the life out of me but because it was in a different form, I didn't recognize it for a long time.
I also thought I was still there for them as a "loving" PROVIDER and care giver, giving them what they wanted and needed which I also believed was LOVE at that time. And, the more I gave, the more they all seemed to need and I could never win, so I worked all the harder.
Like the picture of the donkey always walking forward to try to bite the carrot tied to a string that is dangling from a stick out in front of him. He will never get it, although he THINKS he will if he just takes another step. DAH!!!! What an ASS.
I feel that's part and parcel of the DEATH and loss I was feeling before, but I haven't tied them together, YET.
Oh Yes, Another thing I'm touching is that besides denying things that we don't like about ourselves, we also deny things that we do like, our lost greatness. We deny our greatness because of guilt and shame and what other people might think, say or do to us for being as great and as talented as we really are.
Cheers for now
Posted by John Rieger at 1:49 a.m.
Welcome to my rollercoaster.
I left Vernon on '04 Dec 1, and was litteraly completing last minute issues with my landlords ex-wife (who reminded me of my mother and ex-wife) She was not on "friendly" terms with me for speaking my feelings and my truth as she ordered me out of the house. At this time I was just helping them move their stuff, so I was already packed.
I then drove down to Kelowna and settled into my new digs, only to have a verbal confrontation with my new landlord who expected me to be a "mind reader" and who told me that I was being evicted and that I had to be out by the end of the month. He was also bringing up more issues with my mother and now father.
I pissed two people off in the same day for being myself and speaking my truth. Made me doubt myself for a moment as to what I was doing and where all this was leading me. I felt I was going deeper down the rabbit hole and that this place was "hell."
The next day we had a talk and I touched his shoulder and felt his enourmous heartbreak and I started too cry. We've been basicly OK since then as I started a part-time job doing handyman work, so I wasn't around much.
Last night, Dec. 10, he physically attacked me in the bathroom. Earlier that day he had repaired the shower and he commented to me that it needed eight hours to dry. I replied that that meant I wasn't going to have a shower that night. That night he heard water running in the bathroom and thought I was having a shower but I was brushing my teeth. We got into a verbal confrontation and he came at me and physically choked me while I had tooth brush on one hand and tooth paste in the other.
He backed off and I was aware that while I was being threatened, I wasn't in SHOCK. He came at me and chocked me again. This time I looked him in the eyes and told him he had two seconds to take his hands off me and get out of the bathroom of have the end of my toothbrush in his eye. He looked shocked, released me and backed up and told me to be out by the 15th. All this brought up more issues with my mother and father.
This morning I had a talk with him and I'm not being evicted by the 15th, but instead, I gave him my notice that I was moving out at the end of the month as I felt that both my, and his work would be done by then. I also felt and told him, that he was at a cross roads and needed to make a decision that litteraly means his life.
I also told him that his house is a portal for evil and that Rikkity (a female entity who is similar to Seth as a negotiator)is the one that's on him telling him things to feed his paranoia and that there are others coming throught also. Rikkity's also the one that's been trying to chock me as I've had a cough, but only when I was in the house.
Well I'm running out of time on the library net. More later.
Posted by John Rieger at 1:44 a.m.
Just a brief update of what I've been experiencing these past few months. There is a lot missing, but I feel I have to just start somewhere.
After C and the girls left for home,I left the Cabin I got a room with a woman who brought up issues with my mother. She was what I call a mentaloid, everything she knew or talked about was what she had read or if there was a personal experience, it was from a purely mental point of view. She wasn't a bible thumper like my mother, but she thumped her BOOK of "knowledge" instead. We "co-habitated" the basement apartment and she spoke very little to me after I expressed myself and continued to do so whenever she would try to control me with her BS, Belief Systems, based on what she had read.
The house we were living was being sold and as a tennant she had to be out by the end of October. I got there mid-September and left two weeks later as I got a place right in Vernon. I moved into a rooming house with four guys in the basement and two - three (the owner on weekends) upstairs. Four were on disability and one on unemployment. I didn't know this at the time I paid my money. I also didn't know that the guy living upstairs with me was also a drug user as were two of the guys downstairs and that the other two were also druggies, but they were legal.... as they were doped up on perscription drugs. Street Drugs and trafficing as such, was never a part of my reality until now. I've been around weed smokers, but nothing harder.
I got into it with him one evening when he was smoking cigarettes in the house,(it was a no-smoking building) He told me that it was OK and that I would keep it a secret. I told him to get outside with his cigarettte and that no, I wasn't his secret keeper and that I'd be letting the owner know what was going on when he came up for the weekend. He became angry and we almost got into a physical confrontation. The next day he appologized and that laid the ground work for our "brotherly" relationship. I don't have any "real" male friends and I felt here was an opportunity to finally have one.
This is getting too long so I'll just abbreviate some of the experiences in point form.
1)He got a job, got paid and decided to celebrate. He overdosed on Crystal Meth which he thought was coke. He went paranoid for three days and ended up in the hospital.
2)When he got out, I lent him money to get to another town to get a new start. He called me when he got there and wanted to come back but needed more money. I deposited it in his bank accoount and never heard from him again.
3) I also worked for a guy doing handyman work. He was a smoothe talker and it smelt off but I gave him the benifit of the doubt. He never paid me. Then he paid 1/2 and I did more work and he never paid again.
Lesson: Giving others the benifit of the doubt when I KNEW that they was lying and not giving MYSELF, my WILL, the benifit of her doubts.
4)Then I had to take control of the job in progress and then work out a NEW price, as the job us under-guoted. That brought up more issues as they (the customer) were caught in the middle.
5)I was also working on the job with another guy and I also had to cut him loose instead of giving him the benifit of the doubt.
Lesson: Standing up and asking for what I wanted and deserved. Energy is money and money is energy and I was giving away both. Also, other people feed off you as you "carry them" out of a false sense of friendship, loyality, graditude and guilt. And here again I had to speak my truth and "WALK MY TALK"
6) A friend of the owner stayed upstairs on the couch and took some of my food. Standing up for myself was another hard thing to do as he gave me a sob story. Standing up for myself almost lead to a physical confrontation. Lesson: Judgment, that the other person was worse off than me so I should just give them what they want and ignore or deny what happened.
7) The owners ex- was up in October to begin to pack. All she packed then was what she could get in her car. We talked and we didn't hit it off as she was just like my ex and when I was straight with her, she was out of here. 8) An interesting coincidence in all this is that the owner's birthday is one day later than mine and his ex-wifes birthday is on the same day as my ex-wife.
Well I have to go, time is almost up, will update soon.
Posted by John Rieger at 1:35 a.m.
'04 Nov. 01
Well here I go again.
I feel I'm in a no mans land and what I'm going into is DEATH. Death is something that our Spirit has never experienced as it has always lifted out of our body whenever our body began to fail. Our Soul has also been left behind and as such, is part of our Lost Will that we also have to recover. Recover by the only means possible, which is for the Spirit to have acceptance for the feelings that both the Will and Body go through when they are forced to experience death or nothingness and loss of consciousness. What our body experiened in its contact with death is also something that we need to heal.
Death is terrifying to the Spirit that has been in denial as it is something that it has always avoided feeling saying things as, death is just a natural part of life, death is the opening of a new door, There is no need to fear death as life is eternal, Death is the balance and the opposite of life, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I'm feeling my body begin to let go. Not let go in getting ready to die, but in letting go of all the things that it is holding that want to make it die as in unloving light, guilt and shame and my imprints, programs and beliefs. I feel that my body has been holding on to this "unloving energy" so tightly and that I believed,(my Spirit and mind) that "it" was holding me together when in reality, the opposite was true.
It's terrifying watching my body become undone in just a matter of weeks and sometimes I notice a difference in days. My shin becomes loose, my muscles have lost mass and tone in a matter of days. My body stoops, my memory and strength fails, my eyes blurr and the list goes on and on. And then at night when you awaken from your sleep or just as you're drifting off, you feel the numbness in your lower body and extremedies. You know you have legs and arms, but you can't feel them. Although all this is happening to me, I feel that I'm still healthy and able to function.
I can also feel my Spirit (mind) scrambling to find solutions to what it feels is not desireable or unacceptable from the body, which is another form of self-hatred exposed along with its fear of death. My Mind is also being fed and controlled by the imprints and programs and by unloving light that doesn't want me to heal this.
I don't know where all this is going or how I'm going to find what I need to heal, but I intend to find and heal any part of me that wants life.
I just flashed to an insight that I had before, "that to know what love is you have to know what love isn't." Well I guess, no, I know, "that in order to know what life is you also have to know what life isn't, and what death is.
Well that's it for now, I'll keep you posted as I can.
Love, Light and Life,
John a.k.a Shenreed
Posted by John Rieger at 6:21 p.m.
'04 Sept. 29
Just a brief note to let you know that I'm alive and kicking. Presently I'm in Vernon, BC, that's about 1/2 hour north of Kelowna. A lot of things have happend this summer and especially in the past two months, Enought that I can write a book on just those experiences and insights. Topics include, possession, children and animals, inner critic, over soul, Divine self fragmentation, two and more voices, choice, freedom, peace, Kundalini, Chakras healing, sex, sexuality, senuality, relationships, judgments as part of fragmentation. And the BIGGIE, the power of our denied fragments to draw to us, experiences that we need in order to heal it, which is the opposite of what we desire.
Say we desire love and abundance in our life, but what we actually manifest is unloving relationships and lack. This is not Karma, but rather our denied fragments that can't reach us any other way except through our Divine self, (which is also cut off from our consciousness) and thus the only way to reach our present consciousness is through personal physical experiences.
Hey, I'm already getting into it as I feel I need to share this and it is BIG and will change everything!!! But there is so much more and the pieces are starting to fit together, although for each querstion that is answered, I get another hundred.
Cheers for now.
John a.k.a. Shenreed
Posted by John Rieger at 6:09 p.m.
'03 June 06
I spent four days last week painting and repairing a cottage to make some money to keep me going, to survive. I got call today to paint and do some repairs to the cottage next door, which I accepted. While there is a part of me that enjoys what I'm doing, there's another part of me that knows that that part of me is still doing it in denial because he has to and his fear of survival if he has no money. So while I may say I enjoy it, the bottom line is that I'm really doing it for the money, to survive, to eat, for gas and other things like getting more letters out to other publishers. All that so that I can make some money when I sell the book and then I'll be OK. But I've never been OK, no matter how much money I had.
I have issues coming up posting the "how to" section as I am torn between two worlds and my inner critic is having a field day with me. This Appendix is an important part of my book and I feel that by sharing it, that a publisher will not want to publish my book because I have made part of it public knowledge and that I'll be sabotaging myself and my book.
Part of the issues I'm presently working on is manifesting my hopes, dreams and desires. BUT, not to manifest them in denial like I am and have been all my existence, but to manifest them in unconditional love. Manifesting in unconditional love is something that I haven't done yet and so it is all new and frightening to me. The old world way is to write the book, get a publisher to market it, he pays me some money for my time and effort and then I use that money to manifest other things that I desire to own or experience. In other words, I sell a part of myself to get money to be able to maybe do the things that I hope, dream and desire to do. Then I asked myself, what is my real intent and purpose of this book? Is it to make money, or to share with others what I've discovered and my dream of a New World? It's the latter. So doing it the OLD World way is to give my power to another, and to also make MONEY the source of my power. I know that MONEY isn't the source of my power or even that it has any power by itself, just what I give it, but it�s all I�ve ever known and experienced. It�s always been barter, trade, compromise, work, and an investment in MY time and MY energy to get money or some form of it. It's now time to end denial, to let go of all the attachments to money and all those OLD programs, imprints, beliefs and judgments that say that THIS is how life is. That these are the rules you have to go by and that you have to EARN money if you want to be happy and manifest your dreams and desires.
To not post the "how to" section is to be in denial and "conditional" love which is controlling and manipulative. I don't want to be there anymore, (been there done that) and so I have a choice. I'm smiling here as I hear a soft voice saying to me what I tell other people, "Release your fears, take a risk, expect the unexpected." So here goes a leap of faith. I'm going to jump off the cliff and see if these newfound wings that I think and feel I have, really can fly. Now I'm in tears as I feel such a comfort around me, supporting me, assuring me that everything will be all right, just not what I expected.
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Posted by John Rieger at 6:04 p.m.
(A follow up to Message Board post 103-04 Denial-Asking and Telling)
It's interesting how the universe brings us things to experience. The other day I wrote a piece # 103-04 on Denial, Asking and Telling and while I had awareness of it, the Universe still felt I needed some more experience, healing and understanding. What I'm going to be sharing is what I wrote in my Journal. I know that sharing a personal example is also a lot more effective than just talking about it as it gives the other person something to relate to that they can understand.
I had just finished cutting the back lawn when the Italian neighbor lady came out and began talking to me about the birds and how they were shitting all over the place became Jock, my ex-father-in-law whose place I'm staying at, was feeding the birds. She pointed to two droppings on the side of the light above her back door and to a couple of dropping at the base of the chain link fence that separated the two properties. She also pointed to a few droppings on the rock garden on Jocks property. She TOLD me in her broken English to "tell Mr. Wats not to feed the birds no more, so they don't come around and poop all over the place." While I acknowledged the bird droppings, I didn't agree to tell him what she said, but neither did I disagree or say I wouldn't tell Jock.
As I made my way back to the house I suddenly realized that I was in denial of what I was really feeling. I realized that I didn't want to get into a disagreement like I did with the neighbor on the west side last winter, when he shoveled the snow off his driveway and onto our walkway, but that's another story. I also realized that I had been TOLD what to do and that I was being controlled and manipulated to do someone else's dirty work. Jock has been feeding the birds for years and she never said anything to him, so why now?
I toyed with the idea of telling Jock but decided not to, and to wait and see what else developed. Sure enough, on Sunday Jock approached me and asked me where I had bought the birdseed for him the last time and if I would drive him down to pick some up as he was almost out. I never said anything about the neighbor and drove him to pick up the seed. Usually he�s buy one five-pound bag but this time he picked up two ten-pound bags. I smiled and though to myself, whatever is going to happen with Jock, the neighbor, the birds is between them and I will tell the woman so, the next time I see her.
Almost a week later, on May 9, I was still thinking of the neighbor and the bird issue as I still haven't seen her or said anything to Jock who's happy feeding his birds. Several times I've had an internal dialogue of confronting her and stating that I wasn't going to be "told" what to do by her. And that if she turned it around and said that she wasn't "telling" me, but only �asking� me, then I would say no, that I wasn't going to do that either. That she would have to talk to Jock directly and I wasn't a going to do her dirty work. I also decided that I would not defend Jocks position to feed the birds, but let him decide what he wanted to do and that I would also my story and issues as they came up.
I was also having another nagging feeling tugging at me to not wait until I see her outside, but to go over and tell her that I didn�t tell Jock like she told me to and also why I didn't. Today I realized that the nagging voice was Guilt. It also had it roots back to my childhood and my mother and that if I didn�t do or say as she told me then I had to confess my wrong doings, my sins (church beliefs) as I was bad and didn�t obey my parents.
I later realized that I still had other programs and imprints on top of the guilt. They had to do with my beliefs of honour, giving your word, changing your mind, and other beliefs, all relating to the belief that my words and actions are "cast in stone" and that I can't change them. Because I didn't say I wouldn't tell Jock and I denied myself, I therefore felt that I basically said or lead her to assume that I would. Along with the guilt I had, I was further torn by this belief of "cast in stone." Of how you can't go back on your word, even if you didn't say it and because you didn't dis-agree, you basically agreed, and if you agreed, you have to keep your word. Otherwise, you're a liar, have no morals, scruples, dignity, conscious, and all the rest that would have me HONOUR my word and keep up the appearance of "false pride".
On May 11 I had more insights on the "cast in stone" issue. I have other beliefs that even if I did something and found out later that it's not what I wanted or that I did it while on auto pilot, denial, (humm, an new phrase I just thought up for being in denial) or doing it out of guilt. I came to the realization that if it now involves another person, it's no disservice to them for me to take back what I really didn't want to give (my power) and if they are open, it's no big deal as they weren't looking to GAIN at my expense. If however, they were looking to take my power, to gain at my expense, then they will have an issue with me taking my power back, but that is their issue. Nothing is cast in stone, there are no rules except the ones you make or others make and you feel you have to live by them. As I'm writing this I can feel that it even applies to what we call "physical" laws of the Universe and even to time and space. Laws, any laws, are limitations.
All this was very subtle and I was amazed at just how it all played itself out for awareness and release. I thought I'd share this "ongoing" healing process with you to show you how one thing leads to another and how they are all interconnected by denial. And to also show you how twisted our beliefs and programs are and how we�ve been blindly living our life by them on Auto Pilot.
"Healing begins in the Heart"
Posted by John Rieger at 5:54 p.m.
2003 June 13
I've already written a manuscript of my journey to the point of the healing experience I mentioned in "Announcements" under "about this group" and I'm presently looking to get it published. Since that experience, I have written enough material in my journals for another three books. I'm not going to enter all my previous material or the healing experiences I've had as I'm doing that in part by sharing the various material I'm posting in the different forums. What I'm going to be sharing here is my journey, in part, from this point forward. I say in part, as I'm not going to write all the details of what I'm going through or the insights I'm getting as some days I may write 20 to 30 pages and I don't have time to type all that. I will however share what I feel is appropriate with this group and to also show you that it is a work in progress, a journey, to recover all those lost parts of us. And to also show you that I am like you, still feeling lost and confused and all the rest, as I progress step by step on my journey of healing and self-empowerment.
I'm going to begin with a post I recently did in the forum, Conditional love, #103-04 Denial-Asking and Telling
My post the other day on "Denial and Prayer" included the word "asking" and that has prompted this post.
There is massive CONFUSION and DENIAL wrapped up in the word "asking" as we have lost the true meaning in our communicating with each other. We believe we are merely "asking" a question, but in reality, when challenged, it's exposed for what it really is, commanding, ordering, implying, suggesting, controlling, manipulating and unloving denial, disguised as a innocent question.
A question is a simple statement made when one is either confused and desires more information. Simple questions might be; "why is the sky blue? How do birds fly? Why is sugar sweet?" Questions, and more specifically, "asking" direct questions is honest and straight forward with no hidden agenda or denial present.
Now here are some typical "asking" questions that are NOT questions, but rather judgments, orders, commands, control and manipulation based in denial. Where are you going? Are we are out of bread? Did you feed the dog? Are the dishes washed? Is your homework done? Why are you wearing that blue dress? Why don?t you ever say you love me?? If you read between the words and the lines, you will begin to "feel" what is NOT being said and what is NOT being said is DENIAL and unloving. So while this everyday chitchat seems to be innocent on the surface, it is far more than that. It is a silent killer of the Will, the feelings and intuition of our being as we respond (in denial) to give the other person what they want.
Let's use the question, did you feed the dog? If that were a simple question without expectation, condition, control or manipulation, then a simple "no" response would be sufficient. However, in this world of denial, the person asking the question had hidden meanings, and the person being "asked" the question, denies being real and direct, but instead gets caught up in a "mind reading" game as to what the person really meant or wants. Of course, trying to read the mind of a person who is in denial and will deny anything you say is impossible. It's a "fools game" and when you play it, you are caught, and are forever going in circles.
Love, Light and Life
Posted by John Rieger at 5:46 p.m.
This blog site as well as my web sites and message board are under construction and/or re-construction. I'm going to be sharing some of my past experiences and at the same time I'm also going to be sharing my present life experiences as I continue my journey into the vast unknown as I search for my true self, love, truth and the meaning of life.
I'm not going to begin this blog from the beginning of my journey but rather from about a year ago. To simplify and speed up matters, I'm going to cut and paste my journal entries from my message board to this site. Later, I'll delete those entries leaving a link to this site.
For those who what to know more, you can do so at about me or use this quick link to read a bit of where I'm coming from. I'll be transfering that site to saysame in the future, but for now there is this link. There is also a link to my manuscript my book.
The next series of posts will provide only a brief glimpse of my experieces as last year alone I wrote over 1200 pages, (long hand).
Well that's it for this post.
PS: My intent with these sites and future chat and voice features is to create a place to share real life expreiences as well as interacting with those who are drawn to a similiar path.
Posted by John Rieger at 11:48 p.m.