B137 - Tying up loose ends for the end of the year

’06 Dec 27 Thursday 2:17 am

Well I went in to work yesterday and was surprised to see the new schedule didn’t include me. I say it was a surprise as for the past few weeks I’ve heard from various staff members that I was going to be one of two part timers that would be kept on in the New Year. Last weekend, the manager, had mentioned to me in passing that she wanted to see me but never did. I feel that part of the reason for letting me go is that she can control and intimidate the girls who need a job, but she can’t do that with me. I can’t say that I’m not disappointed as I would have liked to work a couple of days a week, but at the same time, I now have all the free time I need to spend on writing my books and getting them published…

’06 Dec 29 Friday Tying up loose ends.

Today I downloaded or rather cut and pasted, all 247 All-Experts questions and answers for the year. I also cut and pasted my BLOG posts, pictures and links. I did a lot of posting to the web this year as my personal Blog had 157 “word doc.” pages not including my other five Blogs that I didn’t copy for now. I haven’t been really been working on, or writing my book and now I can see why, but all this is also has a purpose.

’06 Dec 31 3:29 am

Yesterday was my second last day at work and it was a strange feeling as I felt ostracized by the staff. I felt like a stranger in a strange land and the people that had been friendly and chatty were now cool, aloof and detached. The two part time girls that were being kept on also felt “snooty” today and pushed their positions over the other girl and I that were being laid off. I felt that they felt that were some how better that us as they were “chosen” to stay on and we weren’t. Any disagreement with their demands brought sarcasm and innuendos that I wasn’t being nice to them because I was leaving. That I should somehow listen to and obey their commands and do the work that was part of their job, but that they now felt they could get us to do. I expressed myself and didn’t take any of their “polite” bull shit.

These two women are both what I call “yes” women and I feel are trying to work their way up the so-called corporate ladder of this company. I don’t see any opportunity for any “worker” to get into any position of real authority and financial position as it’s all controlled from outside the box of the retail store. The district manager, I assume, reports to corporate head office but I don’t see him as anything other than a glorified office manager going between different store managers in his district. He may be “above” the store manager, but he’s still an employee and as such, has a long way to go before he can have any direct say in company affairs and direction.

These are all “wanna be’s” that will sell their soul to try to “make it” and to have the life of their lost hopes, dreams and desires, that they feel that position, money (power) will bring. The other people that are working there are those that “need” a job or can’t find anything else right now or are too afraid to start over and will take the shit and abuse and the pittance of a pay cheque as it’s better than nothing. These are the people that are giving up their power to those that desire it.

4:02 am It’s the old chain of command syndrome, it was that way with all the other jobs I had. I felt I had to work my way up the chain of command or corporate ladder to an imaginary place of power so that I could get what I wanted and I’d be happy. But that was all an illusion because unless one had a major financial interest in the company, no matter what your corporate position, you were only a figure head for the owner or shareholders. These were the ones that had financial interests in the company and it was they that pulled the strings and could change the position and status of any employee within the company.

That’s the way it is in the old world of dog eat dog and survival of the fittest, who can claw their way up this illusionary ladder of power on the backs of others who are considered “meek” and are “outside” this so-called “inner circle” of wanna be’s in power.

4:44 a.m. All this leads back to my childhood and in wanting to get bigger, stronger and older so that I could “grow up” and be able to do what I was told would give me happiness, as what I experienced didn’t being me happiness, not because it couldn’t, but that what is actually coming at me in my experiences was unloving. Unloving authority figures that would have me believe that I were wrong or inadequate because of some physical, mental or emotional deficit and that if I learned, obeyed, played the game, that I would be able to meet the standards and expectations that this unloving authority figure and society has on what it takes to not only be happy, but also worthy and acceptable.

But, as we learn and grow older, we then get caught in this “corporate ladder” game where it’s still basically the same stuff that we lack as when we were a child, it’s just that now it has taken on a different form and we don’t recognize it for what it really is.

5:03 a.m. I just realized that when I dropped into the store on Friday to pick up a few items, I saw the manager just as she was leaving the store. She said hi, but it felt cool and distant. I just realized that if she had sat down with me and spoke the truth as to why she was letting me go, she’d also have to admit to the reality of the “game” she was playing, but denying she was playing. My speaking up and challenging her so-called authority and corporate policy and procedures was reflecting her denied issues. If she was going to use the so-called “game” against me, she knew that I would challenge any BS she would try to use against me and that if she was going to be “real,” she would have to admit (accept) them for what they really were, but in doing that, it would also uncover and expose her own denials. So to keep the lid on everything, it was just easier to quietly let me go and not stir up the underlying issues and to do that, she had to avoid contact with me and if there was, to say as little as possible.

It’s the same with the rest of the women because if they were to voice their true feelings about the reasons for my leaving, then that would also expose the feelings that are denying by staying and keeping their mouth shut and doing what they are told and expected to do.

They are not shunning or ostracizing me, but are in reality. afraid of me, or rather afraid of what I’m reflecting to them and of ending their denials and what that would mean. What I say and do that they would like to say and do but can’t, out of fear of losing their jobs and of what others would think of them.

2006 Dec 31 Sunday
Sunday, my last day at work and also the last day of the year. It was a different day as now I felt empowered. I had fun and so did some of the customers I served. I also had fun with a couple of co-workers and the supervisor. By fun, I mean I enjoyed myself and was real at the same time. The two part-timers I mentioned before were also working and it was interesting to still see what I called their “Queen B” attitude get even bigger I commented on it and it was also picked up by the other co-workers who were also starting to be intimidated by them. The supervisor also became aware of the power plays going on and made moves to stop it without actually confronting the Queens B’s. It will be interesting to see how it plays out in the coming days and weeks as the Queens will be back to being at the bottom of the so-called ladder.


B136 - Women no different than Men

2006 Dec 21 Thursday 10:39 pm

It’s interesting to see how women in a group are really no different than men in a similar setting. Women have a different form and way of expressing themselves but underneath the so-called feminine mystique lies the same what I call red neck mentality.

Red neck women may say they are looking for love but what they are really looking for is a man to get laid and to take care of them and to treat them in the way that they want to be treated, that they consider to be loving and caring and respectful, yadda yadda yadda. If they don’t get that, then they blame the man and they moan and bitch like men do when a woman doesn’t meet their expectations. Money is also a big issue as in both cases as it’s deemed as the source of happiness.

Today I was called away from cash to the warehouse and when I got there one woman had on a pair of men’s underwear (boxer briefs) over top of her jeans. She had something stuffed in them to suggest a penis and was making suggestive and derogatory comments to me. Another woman had a pair on her head and was wearing them like a hat. The three or four other women weren’t wearing any men’s underwear but were all were giggling and laughing and trying to get a rise out of me. They were also suggestive and poking fun at me in a suggestive and obscene manner.

I’m the only man working with fourteen women and if this were to happen to a woman in an all male workplace, there would be sexual harassment charges and heads would roll. I wasn’t offended by their actions but I was mildly shocked, no, I’d say more surprised yet at the same time fascinated by their uncharacteristic mannerisms and the things they were saying as it was something that I’ve never experienced before. This was all “back room” stuff that would never be played out in public and I doubt that it would even be privately expressed in front of their spouses or loved ones, yet here they were, singling me out and having “fun” and a “good time” expressing their sexual denials with a male stranger.

I also found it interesting that here were the very same so-called “Christian” women,that were also giving me a hard time with not getting into the Christmas spirit and its religious implications, but were now acting the opposite of the god loving Christians they were earlier professing to be. They use their religious beliefs as a pious and righteous shield to portray the image of what they want others to think they are so that they wouldn’t see them for what they really are, liars, hypocrites and rednecks.

As I made my way back to the front of the store a couple of women that weren’t in the warehouse asked me what they wanted with me and I told them what happened. They were shocked, but I never heard any confrontation between those that took part in the hazing and those that didn’t. It all seems to have been slid under the carpet as if it never happened.

Things that make you go Hummmm!


B135 - Dollarama… “Interac” and “the Customer is always right”

’06 Dec 18 Sunday 6:30 p.m.

I opened doors to the store at noon and dozens of people came streaming in, I’d say there were a good 50 – 60 in the first couple of minutes. I was on cash but I had forgotten my water bottle so I went back to the lunchroom to get it. On my way to the back, a man stopped me and asked, “You don’t have Interac here yet do you? (I picked up on the key word yet as that implied that he knew we didn’t have it)

I replied, “No, but they’re thinking about it and we’ll probably be getting it soon.”

He said, “You know you’re losing a lot of business because you don’t have it.”

I replied, “We may lose a couple of sales a day, but a lot of people simply go the variety store in the plaza and get cash.”

He was momentarily silent so I started to turn and walk toward the back to get my water. As I turned, he replied in a sarcastic tone, “well you got to get with the times or you’ll be out of business.”

I had just did a lot of internet research on Dollarama and so I turned and replied, “I doubt that. Dollarama has 40% of the market share and is growing every year doing what they are doing without interact. Besides, I have nothing personally to do with whether they get Interac or not.”

He came back with, “people are used to shopping with Interac and so you should have it.”

I said, “Yes, they may be used to Interac, but like I said, most of the people that come to Dollarama know it’s a “cash only” store… like you.” You’re not here because there’s Interac, you’re here for the products and you’ve come with cash in your pocket knowing that there is no Interac.”

Well that set him off and he hissed, “Is that the way you talk to and treat your customers, The manager will hear about this?”

I asked, “What did I say that wasn’t the truth and offended you?”

He snarled, “You have an attitude, and the manager should know about you and how you treat the customers.”

I felt his anger and his intimidating and threatening presence as I calmly asked him, “Would you like to speak to the manager, I can get her for you.”

He turned as if to leave, but then turned again and hissed.” Yes, I’m sure she would like to hear how you treat the customers.”

I had seen the manager a few moments earlier in her office so I went back and knocked on the office door. There was no answer and no one else around so I figured that she was either counting money, on the phone, somewhere in the store, or as I later found out, she had left already the store.

I went back out and told the customer what I just wrote and he immediately began arguing and trying to intimidate and belittle me by stating that I had no right to talk to him like that and that’s no way to talk to a customer and…. that the customer is always right.”

I nodded my head in the affirmative and replied, “OK… you’re right.”

He kept on talking, going in circles and finally I said, almost shouting, “you’re right” six times in a row before he finally heard me, blinked his eyes a few times and shut up.

I stated,”if that’s all that you want to hear, is me saying that you’re right, then so be it…. you’re right. You can see and talk to the manager whenever you want about my attitude but I have a job to do and I’m going to do it, so excuse me.

I left him near the back warehouse door speechless, as I turned and walked up the Xmas isle and to the cash registers. A Key holder, supervisor, was in the cashier area and I briefly told her about the incident but we were getting busy and I left it at that. I never did see him again, or hear that he called the office.

That was the last issue or problem that I had with customers for the rest of the day… Except when I was asked to tell a couple that dogs weren’t allowed in the store, but that wasn’t an issue or a problem. I spoke to them and the man that was holding the puppy in his arms; shook his head in agreement when I mentioned the food and he quietly left the store and sat in the lobby with the pup in his arms while the woman finished shopping…

Things just seem to keep happening to me and it's good...


B134 - Customer with issues of waiting and being organized

’06 Dec 17 Saturday
Customer with issues of waiting and being organized

The store was busy but not rushed. The store has two cash out lines with two cashiers in each line. Janet was alone on her side and had 3 or 4 customers in her line while I and another cashier had the majority of the customers in our line. I wasn’t aware of the details as they were happening but I got the details after it was all over.

The newer girl on cash had either forgotten, or was never told that she wasn’t supposed to leave her register to go on break until a replacement had arrived if she had a line. It was time for her break and she had just served a customer and then, without previously informing the remaining customers that she was closing, she simply put up her closed sign and asked the customers to go to the next line. Well there was a guy that was third in her line that was annoyed by her actions and started to complain in a loud voice as he moved to join my line. Our line was moving fast as most of the purchases were small numbers and he was at my register in a matter of a couple of minutes but was still complaining and tearing a strip off of her and the store that they should get more organized, yadda, yadda, yadda. The supervisor was there and tried to calm him to no avail. I said nothing as I basically agreed with him. I just let him yak away as I served him and his son and then he left the store, still nattering and cussing.

A few moments later he comes storming back in and comes up to me, demanding that I give him his sunglasses.

Confused, I asked, “What sun glasses?”

He hissed, “The ones left on the counter when I left.”

I said, “There was nothing on the counter when you left. It’s a small counter and I would have noticed them.”

He shouted, “Either you or a customer took them as my son said that they were on the counter.”

I quietly replied,” What would I be doing with a pair of sun glasses, I couldn’t wear them as I have glasses.”

He snarled,” don’t get smart with me, look under you counter and see if they are there,” as he leaned over to see what was behind the counter.

I said, “why should I, no one has been at my register since you left and there’s nothing on the floor as you can see and I’m not going to pretend to look for them to make you happy because I know I didn’t take them and I didn’t even see them. You left them somewhere else, not here.”

He was furious and as he began to leave he shouted “You got to get organized” and then uttered some seasonal profanity that I couldn’t really make out as he stormed out the door.

I raised my left hand and calmly raised my voice enough so that he would hear me and said, ”back at you, I don’t accept it,” and calmly turned to serve the next customer.

The customers were basically silent as they didn’t know what went on before, except for the woman that I was now serving when he interrupted us. The other cashiers and the supervisor were amazed at how I talked to him and never lost my cool, although they said they wanted to tell the guy where to go. I replied that he wasn’t mad at me during the first episode so his actions didn’t activate me and when he came back in about the sunglasses, I simply stood my ground and spoke the truth. I knew he was activated, but at nothing that I did, only by what he thought I did, and I knew the difference.


B133 - Dollarama, not what it appears to be

2006 Dec 16 Friday 2:19 am

Dollarama, not what it appears to be
I notice today that my throat is getting sore and now I’m having difficulty in swallowing (not expressing myself) and that both of my kidneys are also sore as is my lower back. I feel that I’ve been mentally driving my body these past few weeks, not taking a break when I’m tired, and only getting one break in a full day, besides a half hour for lunch. I’ve been forcing myself to do what the company wants and that is to keep the customers happy by cashing them out with their goodies and taking their money as quickly as possible.

I did some searching on the internet these past few days and it turns out that Dollarama, the company that I’m presently working for, was started by a Canadian, Mr. Rossy in 1992 who developed it into a successful family run operation with several hundred stores. In 2004, he sold an 80% share to Bain Capital, a USA venture capital corporation, for $1.03 Billion dollars. It turns out that the Bain Corp owns also has interest in 230 companies around the world and is worth billions of dollars. Dollarama made $750 million in sales last year from some 400 stores. They are planning to open another 50 stores this fiscal year. Dollarama has 40% of the dollar store market share and is growing every year. More than 50% of the company products come from China and the rest are from third world companies or from leveraged sales or private labels. The average store size is approximately 9000 sq. feet. It costs just over $500,000.00 to equip and stock a store and the return on investment is 14 months… If that’s not making money…. nothing is.

This is now a “Global Company,” part of the global conspiracy to manipulate and eventually control the retail markets in every sector that affects the public. From Dollarama to Staples, to Dunkin Donuts to clothes, finance, music, entertainment and even sports and their recent attempt to purchase the entire NHL (National Hockey League) franchise… Anything that the consumer needs in the way of food, shelter, clothing and even entertainment is what they’re gobbling up. Buying out and taking over successful companies with the intent to eventually cut off any free enterprise so that eventually, only the BIG boys will be left to control the masses.

I was totally fooled by Dollarama’s humble and modest appearance and manner of business with a “cash only” policy and with no product priced over $1.00 with some being sold for less. I knew they had a few stores but didn’t know that there are over 400 stores, employing thousands of hourly paid minimum wage employees, forced to work floating hours and shifts. If they are lucky enough to be considered regular staff, they are guaranteed 25 hours a week. The shifts and breaks are so scheduled that an employee gets only one 15 minute break in a nine hour day. Employees are also expected to arrive 10 minutes early and to leave 10 minutes late without compensation. There is also no employee medical, dental or insurance coverage. On the other end of the scale, several of the company officers are pulling in six figure salaries and bonuses.

The Bain Company and its shareholders and those at the top of the “food chain” are making money off of both the cheap labour in foreign countries and also by paying minimum wages and benefits to employees in this country. The only people that are benefiting are those at the top of Company “food chain” and the consumers, who for now are getting a good deal for their buck, and are flocking in to save money. While they are saving money in the short term, in the long run they will lose out when all of Dollarama competitors have been forced out of business and prices begin to go up as in the case of Wall-Mart.

I’m including a few links to sites that I’ve found. Oddly enough, or not so, there is an “official Dollarama” website, but it’s not functioning per say.

Things that make you go Hummmm?


Dollarama in the News Updated Wed. Mar. 6 2002 7:24 PM ET

Dollarama 2006

Dollarama CNW Group

Dollarama and dollar stores in Canada

Bain Capital

Bain and Company

Bain Partners

More Bain Partners

B132 - Denials and Issues

’06 Dec 13 Wednesday 11:20 pm

Today I got called into the office and was talked to about my dealings with a customer. When I spoke with the manager, I explained myself and defended my position. What had happened was that woman with the baby had taken her items out of her cart while I was waiting on a customer and had put them on the next empty counter to me. That she then took the baby out of the cart and moved the cart away and then came to my counter. I now had to walk over to the counter beside me, pick up the products, walk back to my register, pack it and enter it in the register and then repeat the process several times as she had 20 – 30 items. At the same time she was also saying that she didn’t want this or that item that I had already placed in the bag and entered as a sale. Added to that, there was a line up and I felt pressured to get her out of the line and out of the store.

I originally commented on her about placing the order on the other counter and she said that she thought that was my counter and that she was just saving time. I said that if that was “my” counter, then I would have been serving the other customers from there and it wouldn’t have been empty. She didn't like that and took offence. I was also frustrated with her changing her mind on her purchases after the fact. She asked if the manager was in and I replied twice that she was and asked her if she wanted to talk to her and both times she said no, but later she phoned the store and commented on my behavior.

Later I reflected on the experience and I realized that I was angry at myself for denying expressing myself with a couple of previous customers that had put their merchandise on the empty counter and that I had to retrieve, but said nothing. I realized that I took out my denied anger on a woman with a baby who happened to had also put her merchandise on the empty counter. Although there was an issue with the woman, she was not the cause of my denied anger.

Now I was faced with having to either deny expressing that I was wrong and had treated the woman unloving, or express the truth of what really happened and not defend and justify my actions. On my break, I went back to the office and apologized, stating that I was wrong to take my anger out on the woman as I had denied expressing myself with the other customers. While I felt that this part of the experience/lesson was over, I also felt there was more.

Tonight I was trying to feel what else I was missing and what I got was that I needed to realize and admit that I was wrong and that that was part of false pride and admitting my mistakes. I was also thinking of how some people are so asleep and then there are others who don’t give a shit. There were at least four occasions where I had to warn my customer not to turn and walk away as a person had just pushed a shopping cart behind them, literally inches from their body. Then there were also a couple of customers that took it upon themselves to not only move the carts, but to also organize them. But the majority just pushed their carts in the general direction of where they were supposed to be parked as they walked out the door, or they would just leave their cart where it was and make their way out of the store.

I’m thinking that I have judgments on these people and that I have to let them be what they are, but the question is how do I do that without being in denial? I guess that if I felt they were somehow attacking me personally then I need to express that. If they are simply reflecting my judgments, than I need to be aware of them and then let them go by allowing them to be and do what my judgments say they are doing and see where that leads.

Ahhhhh! I’m still trying to protect. I’m trying to protect the other customers and what they are thinking; that they are also being inconvenienced by whatever this customer is or is not doing. These are also times when I’m picking up on other people’s feelings and judgments and I’m re-acting to them thinking they are mine. I have to also let these other customers deal with their issues and not try to make the situation better for them.

People are also confused and part of my issues is still trying to lift them out of their confusion. Others are deliberately trying to confuse me and that also bugs me as I can feel them pulling on me trying to distract me. What I need to do here is to ask questions like. What is your intent? What do you want? What are you trying to get me to do?


B131 - Pushing the body in Denial

2006 Dec 12
Marian is in pain. Her lower back is affected so that she can hardly walk. A month or so ago, she got a needle in her back that gave her temporary relief. As a result of the false cure that just numbed the pain and her belief that she was cured she went out and proceeded to push her body to do all the things that she couldn’t do when she was in pain. Now she’s back to square one and wondering why.

She’s supposed to be going to see an acupuncturist tomorrow and if she feels better after the treatment, you can bet your bottom dollar that she’ll be running around town doing whatever, until she can’t again…

On another topic, I have often felt that when she asks me what I’m having for supper, that what she wants is for me to ask her what she is having or to offer to make supper for her, but I’m not biting. I ask her if that is her intent and she denies it and so I let it go. But I can later feel that she was lying, but that by her denial, she got caught in her lie and the only way out of it was to tell the truth, and that’s something she’s not prepared to do at this moment.

On Sunday I was making wings and chips and I asked her if she wanted some. I don’t mind making a meal for another, but I’m not going to take care of her just because she doesn’t want to take care of herself and insists on abusing herself to no end. I feel that when she can’t abuse herself anymore, that she then tries to find someone (in this case me) that will compensate for what she can’t do for herself. If she can’t use her body to get and do what she wants, then she uses someone else to get what her mind wants.



B130 - Denied Anger, sad, blank and lost people

I was working Sunday and when the store opened at noon I could feel a shift in energy as the people that were shopping were not only angry, but were denying it. They were also sad, blank and not only looked , but also felt lost... They made their purchases either without saying a word or or they muttered something under their breath... I don't know it had anything to do with Jupiter, Mars and Mercury being in alignment for the past couple of days or what but it was not only felt by me , but also by other cashiers...

Since mid-November I've been feeling that we're in the lull before the storm and that all "hell is about to break loose." I don't know any more details but I definitely feel that something is in the air and that the shit is going to start hitting the fan in 2007....

Off topic... I switched to the "New Blogger" a couple of days ago. >>> DON'T DO IT!!! <<<< This one has more toys, but toys that don't work are junk... It really tics me off when plain text can't be posted as there seems to be no "word wrap" function and I have to use an external text pad to write my posts... It also tics me off that I can't go back to the old blogger... Why push and advertise something that doesn't work...


PS: I dropped in at the local Dollar store and Kim asked me what's going on as people were really miserable and angry on the weekend. She said that she felt bad vibes from nearly all her
customers.. I shared what I wrote above...


B129 - Flying Dentures

Hi everyone,

Well today was interesting to say the least. I was called in to work early, so when I got there were 5 or 6 gals in the lunch room talking gal stuff and about the pot luck that we were having today. The mood was light, lively and jokey, so I decided to tell a short joke. While it appeared to be leading to something sexual, the punch line took you in a completely different and clean direction. But as I was delivering the punch line which was "I need a bike" my upper dentures literally flew out of my mouth as if I had sneezed. I caught them in mid-air, turned my back to the gals and had them back in my mouth and was turned back to face the gals before they even blinked.

I was shocked but at the same time I wasn't I was more surprised if that makes sense. The gals were shocked and then burst into laughter that lasted for minutes. They were holding their sides wile other had tears in their eyes. I was laughing also and still am.

Afterwards I was trying to figure out what really happened as the words,"I need a bike" don't put any pressure on your dentures in a manner that would cause them to be expelled as they were. . I could see them coming loose and dropping, but still in my mouth. not flying 10 to 15 feet across the room which is where they would have been had I not caught them.

This is also the first time in my life that this has happened to me. All my life I've been self conscious and careful not to have this happen in public as I felt I would die of shame and embarrassment, but now that it has, while it surprised me, I wasn't overcome with shame. Even afterwards, when that gals would talk to me and smile and giggle, I'd smile and laugh with them as it was funny.

A few minutes after the incident and during all the laughing, I said that now that you know that I wear dentures, you might as well know the colour of my under wear and I turned and pretended to undo my belt. That even brought more laughter.

Another "secret" and fear reveled and my world didn't come tumbling down..



B128 - Denial, putting others needs ahead of mine out of guilt

'06 Dec 07 Yesterday I denied myself. I was at work and my break was at 2:15 pm I had noticed earlier that I was the first to go on my break and that it was important to go on time as that would put everyone else off as we all went in a specific order. I had just finished cashing out a customer and was putting the money in the till and I looked up and saw that it was 10 seconds to 2:15. I reached for my closed sign as a man was putting a couple more items on the counter. It was a couple with a cart full of stuff and I told the man that I was closed. He barked at me, "Now you tell me when I have half the stuff on the counter." I looked at the cart and he had at least 40 items and only 6 or 7 on the counter. I looked at the cashier next to me and saw that she was almost finished serving her customer and then I looked at the clock to see if I had seen it correctly, which I had. To avoid an argument.... I said Ok and began to check his order.

It turned out that they also had several breakable items that I had to wrap in paper and that also took more time. He also commented on the price of an item and I said I know, but when he repeated it a second time, and I snapped back with I already told you I'm aware of the price, why are you telling me again? How many more times are you going to tell me? He remarked that I was getting a little testy and moody. I said nothing as I just wanted to get the fucker away from me.

With the last items on the counter he said, "now you can put your sign up." I said, "why are you telling me what to do, besides there's no room on the counter and with the two of you and the cart blocking half the isle, no one is going to see it until the two of you move out of here." He mumbled something under his breath as I totaled his order and waited for him to pay me. I gave him his change as I flipped up my closed sign with a snap. I looked at the clock and I was 6 minutes late for my break.

I realized later that I could have merely said that I'm closed and when he bitched about his stuff on my counter and I had already looked at the next cashier and saw that she was nearly finished with her customer, I could have lifted his stuff off my counter and put it on hers and been gone. If he still wanted to bitch, I could have asked him if he wanted to speak to the manager and still have been gone and not in denial. But instead, I put his needs ahead of mind and what was reflected to me, my unlovingness to myself....

I also realized that I did it because I felt guilty that I didn't have my sign up before he started to put their things on my counter... That's also why he commented on me putting up the sign... Like I mentioned earlier, I also did it to avoid an argument as he sounded and felt pissed off and that was also an issue for me as it took me by surprise and confused and activated me.

Now I'll be given a different expereince and another opportunity to see if I'll re-act to the situation in denial or if I will respond with self love...



B127 - Issues with smells

’06 Dec 05 Tuesday 4:30 am Yesterday at work I was serving a couple of women when I was suddenly overcome by the smell of smoke, stale cigarette smoke. It was intense to the point that I was becoming nauseous and disoriented and I had to steady myself. I turned to the door for fresh air while trying to check out their order, all the while, expressing what I was smelling and how it was physically affecting me. The two women pretended that it wasn’t them and I wasn’t sure it was them; just that it was someone around me. The cashier next to me looked concerned and later told me that she thought I was going to pass out.

The other people in line also looked at me with concern as they knew I wasn’t faking it. The two women had separate orders and as I gave the last woman her change I was again overcome and had to stop and grab the counter to support myself. I turned to the door as I felt fresh air coning in and I was again able to clear my head long enough to re-count the change and pack up their bags.

They no sooner left the store that I was able to breathe freely again and the people in line also noticed that I was now OK and as they came up to me they commented on it, saying that they saw me going through a rough time and were glad that I was now OK.

A few minutes later I served a older woman and this time I was overcome with the smell of perfume to the point that I was literally gagging and retching but not vomiting. I instantly broke out in a hot sweat and again I turned to the door for fresh air. This time Sherry, the cashier next to me was also aware of the odor of perfume and also commented on it.

In both case, with the cigarettes smoke and the perfume, I didn’t mention that it was the person I was serving, but that it was someone around me that I was smelling. The woman I was serving felt it was her and said defensively that she didn’t have much on and that I shouldn’t be working in a place serving the public if I was that sensitive to smells and fragrances. I replied that it wouldn’t matter if I was working or standing in line, the effect would be the same. I also said that just because people want to wear a lot of smelly toxic perfume that doesn’t mean that I have to be silent and pretend that it doesn’t bother me when it does. I’m going to express what it is doing to me and if they don’t like me expressing myself, that’s their problem. The woman was silent. I gave the woman her change and again within seconds of her leaving the store, I was fine, as if it never happened. That was the only two experiences I had for the rest of the day and the first since I started working.

I had another incident that I’d like to share. There were three cashiers on duty and two customer lines. When I finished with my last customer, I looked around to the line at the two cashiers behind me and I saw that a black lady was “next” in line. I made eye contact and asked her over to my counter. As she made her way toward me I turned around to see a white woman coming toward me to purchase her products. I put my hand out and told the white woman that I had called this lady from the other line and that I’d cash her out first. The wite woman was OK with that but the black woman looked at the white woman and saw that she only had three items and so she told the white woman to go head of her. I cashed her out quickly and then the black woman put her stuff on the counter and said, "thank you, I appreciate that” I said nothing but nodded my head as I was concentrating on her purchases. As she was leaving, she stopped at the door and turned and again said, “thank you, I appreciated that.” I smiled and at the same time I could feel her almost break into tears and my eyes also welled up. She turned and walked out of the store. It was sad as I also realised that while I didn't deny her, she still denied herself and put another person ahead of her... but that was her choice in that moment.

Today I go to post this to my blog and I find the following headline... Stop discriminating by race Things that make yo go Hummmmm?