B128 - Denial, putting others needs ahead of mine out of guilt
'06 Dec 07 Yesterday I denied myself. I was at work and my break was at 2:15 pm I had noticed earlier that I was the first to go on my break and that it was important to go on time as that would put everyone else off as we all went in a specific order. I had just finished cashing out a customer and was putting the money in the till and I looked up and saw that it was 10 seconds to 2:15. I reached for my closed sign as a man was putting a couple more items on the counter. It was a couple with a cart full of stuff and I told the man that I was closed. He barked at me, "Now you tell me when I have half the stuff on the counter." I looked at the cart and he had at least 40 items and only 6 or 7 on the counter. I looked at the cashier next to me and saw that she was almost finished serving her customer and then I looked at the clock to see if I had seen it correctly, which I had. To avoid an argument.... I said Ok and began to check his order.
It turned out that they also had several breakable items that I had to wrap in paper and that also took more time. He also commented on the price of an item and I said I know, but when he repeated it a second time, and I snapped back with I already told you I'm aware of the price, why are you telling me again? How many more times are you going to tell me? He remarked that I was getting a little testy and moody. I said nothing as I just wanted to get the fucker away from me.
With the last items on the counter he said, "now you can put your sign up." I said, "why are you telling me what to do, besides there's no room on the counter and with the two of you and the cart blocking half the isle, no one is going to see it until the two of you move out of here." He mumbled something under his breath as I totaled his order and waited for him to pay me. I gave him his change as I flipped up my closed sign with a snap. I looked at the clock and I was 6 minutes late for my break.
I realized later that I could have merely said that I'm closed and when he bitched about his stuff on my counter and I had already looked at the next cashier and saw that she was nearly finished with her customer, I could have lifted his stuff off my counter and put it on hers and been gone. If he still wanted to bitch, I could have asked him if he wanted to speak to the manager and still have been gone and not in denial. But instead, I put his needs ahead of mind and what was reflected to me, my unlovingness to myself....
I also realized that I did it because I felt guilty that I didn't have my sign up before he started to put their things on my counter... That's also why he commented on me putting up the sign... Like I mentioned earlier, I also did it to avoid an argument as he sounded and felt pissed off and that was also an issue for me as it took me by surprise and confused and activated me.
Now I'll be given a different expereince and another opportunity to see if I'll re-act to the situation in denial or if I will respond with self love...
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