B47 - Body Issues (Fight, run, give up)

06 June 26, 2006

Now that I’ve started blogging my issues with Body, I’m going to try to carry on as best I can to show you the processes that I’m going through in healing and understanding my body and its issues. I’m starting to write this more than two weeks after the fact so it will take a bit of time to catch up.

’06 June 10 3:10 am

I think that our body has its own feelings and intuition, separate from, yet linked to our Will and its intuition, feelings and emotions. Our Body also has the five senses that are used to inform the mind with information on what the body is experiencing. It’s interesting that our four of our five senses are closely related to our head and only our sense of touch is experienced throughout our entire body. Although that ‘s the way it presently is, I have a feeling that that’s not how it’s mean to be.

’06 June 11

Well it’s interesting that all this is stuff about Body is coming up as today I feel that my infection is also coming back as I have pains in my kidneys and lower back and my lower pelvic area is also sensitive. I don’t have the pain in my testicles yet, but I feel that it wouldn’t be long off. I can’t get comfortable even the back of my neck is hurting and I’m breaking into a hot sweat.

I feel that it’s my 1st and 2nd chakras that are affected. My body is holding “negative” energy that needs to be released. But the negative energy I’m referring to is not what is generally referred negative emotions, but rather “reversed polarity” energy that I’ve turned back on my self and that I’ve taken in, that I’ve forced my Body to hold by being unloving to it.

As I’m lying on my bed, not knowing which way to turn to get relief, I feel I just want to crawl away from the pain and discomfort. There are moments when my legs feel numb and tingling. My sore neck is also giving me a headache and I just want to close my eyes and sleep.

Humm! This is interesting? I just realized that it’s the same old; fight, run, and give up syndrome that I have with my emotions. I don’t want to feel pain or be sick (fight), I want to crawl away when I do (run), or I want to sleep (give up). All these escape mechanisms are the same ones that I used on my emotions when I was denying them. What I did to begin to heal my Will, my intuition, and emotions was to surrender, surrender to Love, to self-love. Humm! But what is it in terms of my healing my body? How do I identify the who, what, where, when and why of what I’m experiencing as pain in my Body. How do I change my imprints, programs and beliefs as far as my body is concerned? Lots of questions, but few answers as yet.



B46 - Judgments on Body (Illness, aging, sexuality)

Hi again,

I was on the phone with my friend Irene this morning and she asked me why I hated being a man and then she also stated that I had judgments on people especially if they were big, sick or old. I was confused by her statement, but I felt and knew that she said it for a reason. Several hours later I got it the implications of it and it's HUGE. I'm now going to post what I wrote in my journal...

After supper I was thinking of what Irene had said and I came to the realization that what I was really judging was BODY, my Body. My judgments on other people, male-female, big- small, healthy-unhealthy, young-old, are not about them or their body but is what I judge against my body; past present and future. All the little nuances, the nit picking likes and dis-likes are all judgments and issues I have against form (Body) If it's not the way I like it or I think others like it, then I judge it as lacking, incomplete and unacceptable and that's self-hatred.

Illness is a major judgment as I don't want my body to to be sick as I don't like the feeling or the fact that it keeps me from doing what I (Mind) want it to. The next major judgment against my body is it ages, as getting old means that I'm not as healthy or as strong as I once was. I'm losing my youth, my vigor. My hair is turning gray, my skin is losing its elasticity and I'm getting wrinkles, my muscles are losing their tone and my joints are sometimes stiff and sore.

An associated judgment is one of sexuality, as the older you are the less desirable you are and the more inadequate and worthless you feel and the more you despise your body for letting you down. Your body is slowing down and you can't do what you once did in your youth and physical pleasures are diminishing although your desires remain unchanged. You make these judgments based on what you see and hear happening to older people around you as you believe that time is fleeting and limited and that death in inevitable.

These judgment are nothing new, it's just that now I'm aware of them in a different light, as self-hatred is exposed for what it really is. All my life I've had some form of hatred toward my Body; not old enough, big enough, strong enough, freckles, pimples, teeth, hair, arms and legs too skinny and on and on the list of self-hatred goes.

Next to hating and controlling our undesired and unwanted emotions we are equally obsessed with hatred toward our bodies. Just think of all the clothes we buy to make us look and feel better by covering us up and putting on a facade, an illusion, so that we can hide what we don't want others to see. The cosmetic industry caters to women's issues of self-hatred for their physical appearance and now the medical community has jumped in and offers the use of cosmetic surgery to alter our physical appearance. Then there are the host of health related products and drugs that are supposed to re-vitalize our body and bring back our health, youth and increase our sex drive. The use of drugs also crosses over to our emotional based self-hatred issues where drugs are used to numb us and to make us feel good. Even exercise and fitness is a form of self-hatred if you really think about it.

And just as big on the other end of the same denial and self-hatred teeter-totter are the people who don't care what they look like, that abuse their bodies physically and sexually, that eat, drink, do drugs, that don't care if they are sick and actually enjoy having an illness or a physical injury although they will deny it. Others eat or don't eat so that they will feel safe knowing that they aren't considered attractive.

Wow! this is BIG! I though my judgments against my Emotions and Feelings were big, but this is just as big. I've been working on healing my Will, (feelings and emotions) for years and now I feel it's time to do the same with my Body. While this appears to be a separate topic or issue, I know that it's not only connected to my feelings and emotions and my mind (imprints, programs and beliefs) and to healing our bodies, but I also feel it has something to do with space and time, but I don't know how... yet!

I stopped writing and called Irene back. Like I said, this is huge and significant in ways I have yet to explore and experience. I'll keep you posted and if you have any comments, I'd like to hear from you.



B45 - Dancing (Part 5 of 5) The Dance of Life

Last Saturday was our last Ballroom dance for the summer. During the evening I danced with several woman from my class and there were two distinct moments in different dances that I vividly recall. One was a waltz and we had been struggling with issues of control, technique, floor craft along with personal issues of dancing close with a stranger in public, being in a crowd, standing out for all the wrong reasons, etc, etc. As we danced, we suddenly felt a shift and we both looked at each other and smiled a knowing smile as we felt connected to each other with a feeling that we were dancing on air as we glided around the room. We both felt disappointed that the music stopped as that was an experience we never had before.

It was the next day that I realized that Life is also a Dance. The experience at the Ballroom dance, was of two people being in tune with each other, the male leading and guiding but also open to input from the female as they glided across the floor in unison, as if one being with spontaneous, open and flowing non-verbal communication where there's was no separation, physically, mentally or emotionally. When we can do the same with our Spirit (Male-Mind) and our Soul (Female-Will, intuition and feelings) in our Body, our personal lives will also become a dance, a dance of Love. We will be in the now, the moment and ALL parts of us will be in agreement and enjoying the experience... the dance of Life.