B126 - Hot Stone Therapy

’06 Nov 30 9:30 pm Hot Stone Therapy
Today I went for hot stone therapy/massage. I arrived at 2 pm and we talked for a good 3/4 hour before the treatment. She played her guitar and sang a couple of songs and I commented on how she reminded me of Janis Joplin but didn’t know if she was a fragment or that she had a connection to her. She told me to look on the wall in the hallway and there was a picture of Janis. When I felt her connection to Janis I felt it as a woman in pain and unable to deal with her REAL emotions but instead talks and sings about her false emotions and puts them to music. She expresses her denials and the false emotions of heartbreak and loss but doesn’t go deep to find and heal the real ones.

From our conversation, I found that she’s basically a Melchizedek Ascensionists, talking about how beautiful spiritual life is and how she can’t wait to ascend, yet at the same time talking about fighting and changing the system to make the world a better place.

The stone therapy was a pleasant “new” experience with having hot oily stones move across your back and massaged into your muscles. At one point my body was just beginning to respond as it began to twitch and I could feel movement but she stopped and had me change position and that stopped that. A few other times I felt emotions of heartbreak surface but they disappeared as quickly as they surfaced and were gone in a flash. Other times I had flash backs to being physically abused by my mother or by bullies.

We talked for about ten minutes after the treatment and she was activated into issues with her son. She blamed children’s aid for taking her son away from her when she was a drug addict. Now she’s on a crusade to fight children’s aid and to help other mothers who have drug issues and in having them keep their children. With all this going on she was also saying that this experience of her losing her son was the best thing that could have happened for her and her son. I began to point out that her stories were conflicting because if it was a good experience for her it also has to be a good experience for other women that she is trying to save. I agreed with her that taking her son away from her was the best thing as she was in no shape to take care of herself, let alone a newborn child. I also mentioned that as a drug addict, she had issues she didn’t want to face and that she hasn’t dealt with her real issues as to why she turned to drugs.

She began to get defensive when I challenged her reasoning and beliefs and didn’t want to hear my point of view. She then basically showed me the door. I knew she was activated but didn’t want to go there even though she pretends that everything is fine and in divine order. Although she doesn’t do drugs, she still smokes cigarettes. She had one before our session and I saw two in her had as I was leaving.

I called Irene this morning and she sounded rough when she answered the phone. I asked her how she was and she said that she had bronchial pneumonia. I told her that she was in no shape to chat, and that I’ll call her later. I also said I love you sis before I hung up, she also said I love you bro. I called Jen, but there was no answer so I left a brief message regarding Irene’s condition.

’06 Dec 01 Today I stopped in at the local Dollar store and talked to Kim and Doug. I chatted with Kim a bit and then went shopping. I popped in on my way back as Kim was waving for me to come in. We didn’t chat long but I tell her (in a jokey manner) that we couldn’t go on meeting like this and I gave her my phone number.


B125 - Activation and Issues - Christmas Stress - Asking for Donations - Christmas Party

’06 Nov 17 11:20 pm Activation: MORE STRESS; Christmas pressures

I was thinking that another reason there was stress in all departments at work was because of a Belief system, Christmas and everyone is out doing what they think is required to get ready for the holidays. They, the customers are in a panic and so that is transferred to everyone around that is associated with that belief especially in a store that sells what they want. Everyone at work is stressed with getting the products out on the shelves or pegs and also in cashing people out as quickly as possible. I’m stressed as I’ve bought into this BS Belief System and also with my issues of trying to give people what they want and to not give them stress or make them feel stressed if I have the power to give them what they want. If I give them what they want, they will also be happy and if they are happy, I’m happy.

While this is true and applies to Xmas, I feel that this is also preparing me for other times to come where people are going to be stressed and looking for help and I know I can help them help themselves but THEIR panic is not MY panic. THEIR issues are not MY issues. THEIR beliefs are not MY beliefs and their journey or path is not my journey or path.

I need to love myself and let others deal with their stuff and issues Trying to go above and beyond is not loving to myself and is not giving myself unconditional love but Guilt, as the only reason I was pushing myself was to please others.

‘06 Nov 22 Issue; Asking for donations

When I went in to work and got to my station I was told that I had to ask people if they wanted to donate to the Salvation Army Christmas food drive. I said no, that it wasn’t my cause and that I wasn’t going to be asking people to support something that I had didn’t support. Not that I’m against the Salvation Army, but I’m not supporting a corporation or individual that feels it’s a worthy cause but instead of digging deep into their own pockets to do their good deed, they impose their will on others and get others to do the asking and the donating of time and money (energy) while they get the credit of doing a good deed along with the sale of products, as the product was not donated but sold. If the product was donated by the corporation or the person whose “cause” it was, then there would be no need to ask people to donate money to buy them.

The same woman then asked me if that also applied to me buying cookies for her daughter’s school. I said yes. She tried to guilt and shame me as she also made sure that she told every employee that came to cash that I refused to ask for donations and after the third time I got ticked and asked her how many more times do I have to say “NO” in order for her to hear me? She was quite after that. Another woman also spoke up and said that she didn’t feel good doing it either and she also refused. Since then, there are only two women, including her, that ask customers to donate. Now the box is in the lobby for those wishing to donate an item of their choice instead of being forced to donate the product item chosen by the store.

Nov 24 Friday 4:14 pm. Yesterday afternoon I spend a couple of hours at another local dollar store where I talked with Kim and Doug. I’ve stopped in there several times, even before I started working and we have been getting into deeper and deeper discussions. Today I told them of my experiences with Jen and Irene.

The temperature in the house was 18.5 C and I commented on it to Marian. Her reply was that it was warm outside (15C) so she turned the furnace off because it was still coming on. I said it was coming on because it was colder outside that inside. She argued that it was warmer outside with the sun. I shook my head and left it at that as there was no discussing her confused and fuzzy logic. Later I checked the programmable thermostat and all the settings were changed. I left them as they were.

’06 Nov 26 Sunday, A young woman had come into the store a couple of weeks ago and had given me a brochure of a man that she thought I should call. Today she came in again and offered to give me a hot stone treatment and she gave me her name and number.

’06 Nov 26 Sunday 10:30 am Christmas Party

The Christmas staff party was held last night and we had supper at a local restaurant. It was interesting to see the dynamics between the husbands and wives and I could see how and why the women were as they were at work, that all the women were emotionally repressed and suppressed and that while they may bitch and cry, in reality, there was no real emotional movement just a repeat of the same old… just in a different form. They all are hurting, some more than others and you also have a couple of “players” or actors that only pretend to feel and express emotions. In that way they are very similar to men except that they are also beneath or lower in many ways. Men in society are the socially dominant figure and are supposed to be manly, knowing, the protector and provider, while the woman is supposed to be the weaker, less knowing, the nurturer and care giver.

’06 Nov 28 I called the young woman re: the hot stone treatment and made arrangements to see her on Thursday.

B124 - Things that make you go Hummmm?

’06 Nov 14, I spoke to Jen today and she said that she and Cory were moving, that after 12 years of being in the same apartment, she was moving to a house. She talked about a book she had read and how she and Cory had made it their intent to get a house and how three days later, a house was made available to them. Although she was excited, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her as she is getting all the things she wanted (lost hopes dreams and desires) but it’s still in the old world of denial. She still feels that people, places and things will make her happy, to have what “other” people have and enjoy is a dream of hers. I also know there is an evil entity, Sasha, that fulfills ones Souls and Hearts desires and then takes both and I feel that is what is happening to Jen and Cory.

I called Irene and Dave her husband answered saying that she wasn’t feeling good because of the weather. I knew it wasn’t the weather, but I also knew that it was of no use to talk to Dave as he is set in his beliefs. Links to past posts...

Lisa, from Spiritual awareness board hadn’t posted for a month and now she is back and I feel that she has crossed over the line and that now more than 51% of her present essence is in denial. She is contradicting stuff she wrote earlier of her experiences and is now acting as if they never happened. She has also found a man that is love (Chemical reaction in the body) at first sight.. turns out she find out that he is also married.. and no what?

Jannokes, the young gay guy is also back on Lisa's board and he and Lisa have this phony lovey dovey-ness between them. He has also slipped back into denial and he did mention me as Mr. John and referred to my last post to him and how shocked he was but didn’t say anything else other than while he was gay, he still needed a woman’s energy and that is what Lisa was providing for him. I never responded as I felt the he too had decided that denial was his choice.


B123 - Activation and Issue; Responsibility without authority.

’06 Nov 15 Activation and Issue; Responsibility without authority. Doing a cashiers job is stressful in that you have all the responsibility for both providing a service for the customer, seeing that a product is packed properly and also responsible for collecting the money, public relations, and company image. You have all these duties and responsibilities, but no power or authority. If you make a mistake, you have to call the manager and in doing that the manager knows how many times they had to correct your mistake, even if it wasn’t yours but the customer changing their mind. You can’t fix it; you have no authority to un-do a simple key error without it coming to the awareness of the manager who has authority. Also, when you’re on cash, all the customers in the line also know that you made a mistake and the cause of them having to wait in line. If you were doing another job like stocking shelves, you could make a mistake and then correct it yourself without having to go to the manager and letting them know that you messed up.

But this is good as it’s reminding me of all the other jobs I had when I worked for a company and had similar responsibilities, but again, no authority to fix the problem. I had to obey the rules and take the abuse if I wanted to keep my job. I had to obey the rules and abuse if I wanted to have a roof over my head and food in my plate. I had to obey the rules and take the abuse if I didn’t want my family to suffer.

This also reminds me of when I was a child and my mother and how she treated us with threatening to send us to reform school or to sell us to the Indians or just abandoning us if we didn’t do as she said. She’d also comment on how each of us children were the off-spring of a different neighbour insinuating that Dad was not our real father and that we didn’t belong and that she was doing us a favor by providing a roof over our heads and food in our bellies and that we were being UNGRATEFUL in not doing what we were told. Children’s should be seen and not heard was another one of her favorite saying, meaning keep your mouth shut and do what you are told.

’06 Nov 17 Activation: Having to meet other people needs.
This morning I was feeling how I’m on call and am presently working six days a week. I felt how it’s was like when I had my own business and that just because people need my services, they need me and I have to be there for them. If I can make and keep them happy, they will be happy with me and if they are happy, I will be happy, or so I believed.

It’s not just my old business, but again my mother and father. If I had chores to do I had to have them done no matter what because if I didn’t, I’d get hell and be punished. Chores equal work - Work equals chores. Even if they weren’t my chores but one of my brothers or sisters, I had to cover for them because they were sick or whatever. My co-workers are like my brothers and sisters.

I speak my mind with customers if I feel they are playing games as I call it or pushing their unloving energy on me. I had a woman take her two year old out of the shopping cart and put him on the presently empty counter and Cash register next to me. When I finished serving the woman in front of her, she began to unload her cart leaving her child unattended on the counter and he was beginning to move all over the place. I motioned with my hand for her to take the child off the counter. She grabbed the child and put him on the floor and I could feel that she was ticked off with me. She then asked if we had more Santa Clause pins as she had picked up the last two in the box next to my register and asked me to check the other registers to see if there were more or if there was more in the back that I could get. I said that I didn’t know and that if she wanted to finish her shopping by stepping out of line, she could check them herself and she could ask one of the isle girls for help as I don’t have the time and it’s not my job.

That ticked her off even more and now her child started acting up. She glared at me and said “No, I don’t need it!” I looked her in the eye and asked, ”then why did you ask me? She didn’t say a word as she placed the rest of her order on the counter while also struggling to control her child that was now getting in other peoples way and also playing with the automatic doors. She paid for her stuff and left in a huff. I looked up to see who was next and I could see that the people in line were smiling and they could see that I wasn’t going to be controlled by the woman and I knew they knew I knew what I did and why.

I also made it a point that if I was returning to cash, that I would pick out the “next” person in line and make direct eye contact and that I would serve them first, even if others tried to butt in… No one would argue with me and most customers that were actually waiting in line smiled when I did that and formed a queue to my register. There were other similar circumstances, but I’m not going to go into them and no one to my knowledge has said anything to management about my interactions and there were times when management was aware of my dealings with specific customers and agreed with my handling of the situation.


B122 - Activation and Issue: Picking on people in a “jokey” manner

’06 Nov 30 Activation and Issue: Picking on people in a “jokey” manner
A couple of days ago the manager said something to the effect that if I did something to tic her off today that she would kick my ass. I didn’t respond in the moment as were both busy and going in opposite directions. Later I confronted her and asked her what she meant and she said that she was only joking with me and that she didn’t mean anything buy it. That’s an issue I have where either people are serious but say that what they said was only a joke, or they like me, and the only way they can show affection is either in an insulting or jokey manner. In this men and women are equal players.

The same woman that told me earlier to ask for food donations, asked me again for a Toy donation. But this time she didn’t ask me directly, she made it more into a statement where she said, “You’re still not asking people to give to the Salvation Army”. I challenged her but she denied and back tracked saying that she wasn’t asking or telling me that I should, only observing that I wasn’t. I knew what she had said and what she had meant and I asked her that if that wasn’t her intent and she already knew the answer, then why did she make the comment. She didn’t respond but turned to serve a customer. The next time she brings it up I will tell her what to do with herself,

4b ’06 Nov 29 4:42 am Activation and issue: having to pick up after others.
I have an issue and judgments with customers changing their minds and either dropping products they pick up in various bins thought-out the store or coming up to cash and then sorting out the items they want from the ones they don’t and then I or another cashier having to go and return them to their right place. It’s bringing up my childhood and me having to pick up after my siblings or my mother and of my mother changing her mind and saying to do it this way one time and then the next time her wanting it another way and I’m supposed to know what she wants this time. Or her saying that she wanted to do this, but then changing her mind and denying that she said the first comment.

I also have disappointment in that others don’t do what they say they are going to do. I also have judgment on me not to be that way. Not to change my mind, be a slob, not to make people have to pick up after me. Not to be like my mother.

This also ties into customers shopping and waiting until the store is closing or dilly dallying, fiddling with their purse or change, making me and others deliberately “wait” on them. They don’t seem to care, they take their sweet time, yet they are the pushy ones trying to get their stuff on the counter before the other person has finished… Hummm. Come to think of it, most of the women in my life have been that way. I’d be ready and woiuld have to wait on them and then rush to get there on time, ie the movies. Yet if I did that, there would be hell to pay.

OK, so what are the issues? How do I heal them, Hummm. Is this is also a reflection of how I am on myself? My book, am I procrastinating, of course I am. Am I pushing the envelope waiting until the doors are almost closed before I finally decide what I want?

Hummm, I can see how I also do that with other experiences; wait for other people to take the lead. Like with women. Now I’m basically waiting for them to approach me. I check them out and then let them decide if they want to peruse any sort of a relationship as I hold back. When I feel accepted and desired, then I move but otherwise its stop and go, not so much stop as just idling. So where is all this going? I don’t know.



B121 - Road Rage.... Evil in denial...

US car-deaths man given probation An 89-year-old American man whose car crashed into a farmers' market and killed 10 people has been sentenced to five years' probation for manslaughter.

The judge in Los Angeles said George Weller deserved time in jail but was too frail to survive behind bars..... Weller said he mistakenly pressed the accelerator instead of the brake when he drove into food stalls in Santa Monica in July 2003.

Weller was not in court to hear Judge Michael Johnson condemn his "stubborn and bull-headed refusal to accept responsibility"..... The judge said Weller had made "unbelievably callous statements" such as "just think how I felt" at the time of the crash..... "I'm convinced that Mr Weller deserves to go to prison," the judge said, but added that it "would not do anybody any good"

Weller was found guilty of vehicular manslaughter with gross negligence on the ninth day of jury deliberations..... He was excused attendance from the three-week trial for health reasons.

Witnesses said Weller was "seemingly nonplussed" moments after the accident..... Prosecutor Ann Ambrose said earlier in the trial: "He looked at what he had done, essentially shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Oops.'"

Weller's car travelled about 300m (1,000ft) and reached 60mph when it crashed, with one victim's body tangled underneath and another draped across the car. The victims ranged in age from seven months to 78 years.... In addition to the dead, the accident left 63 people injured.
And on a related subject.....

Trial ordered in deadly hit-and-run case SAN FRANCISCO - An SUV driver accused of running down 19 people in a deadly spree through streets and sidewalks was found competent to stand trial after his medication was changed..... Police arrested Omeed Aziz Popal on Aug. 29 after surrounding his sport utility vehicle with squad cars. By then, victims had been hit at more than a dozen locations in Fremont and San Francisco, and a 54-year-old man had been killed in Fremont, where Popal lives.

Popal, 29, was found competent Wednesday to stand trial in San Francisco on 18 counts of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon, plus single counts of battery on a peace officer and reckless evasion from police. He is suspected of murder in Fremont.


B120 - Things happening on the Internet.

A few days ago on '06 Nov 07 I received the following in a series of questions that I got from All-Experts. I've posted them along with my replies on my Blog as the questions were marked “public” so it will also be posted to the net via All Experts. The reason I’m posting it is because this is the first e-mail that I’ve received that was from the “other” side, the other polarity, and in a physical body who was actually communicating similar but different issues and views.

It was no coincidence that I also answered a forum question regarding a woman’s dream and the word “Nuah” which is the Mesopotamian god of intelligence. I add this here as the two are related…

I took the liberty to add some pictures and links....

**************** This is the series of e-mails ********************************

’06 Nov 04 – Question 1------ How do I meet my higher self - been on the astral most of my life. Come see me some time , Mr Hoover http://www.answers.com/topic/j-edgar-hoover says you are an honest man. Long story made really brief after 2000 years of being a first rate professional warrior I am hoping I can not take away life anymore.

Answer -----
Hi Chris,

Make it your INTENT to meet your higher self when you are astral traveling... Who is Mr Hoover? Herbert, Edgar.. or vacuum cleaner guy. Time to lay down the sword and to stop the battle.. the inner battle with yourself...


Question 2 ------ Edgar - head of my security staff. Can my higher self help me on earth - my astral form is far superior to my earth one , sharper , better fighter and more knowledge. I have made it my intent to meet my higher self - It doesnt seem to want to meet me , a few troops volnteered to find it and drag it to me - thats not working out. the battle within has created a sort of low electrical current and a constant desire for more knowledge and training that i am not good enough. what will happen to me if i stop fighting will i lose motivation to continue improving

Hi Chris,

It's interesting to hear you discuss your "problems" as you are the first one from the "other" side that has e-mailed me asking for help... Your issues are not that different from mine.. except that they are reversed.. Even your description of a "low electrical current" is similar to my condition and experience.. but for entirely opposite reasons...

There is nothing that I can do to help you as whatever I would say would be the opposite for you... You are battling for control.. while I am battling to release control.. You desire knowledge and training to improve your position.. I'm desire love, life and truth...I don't know if you are ready to reverse your polarity yet or not.. but that is the only thing that will save you and re-charge the physical and astral energy field you mention... You will, for a short time, be able to maintain your energy in the astral plane by your attachments and control of others both in the astral plane and in the physical.

I also find it interesting that I don't hate or fear you... and I also can't say I feel sorry for you either.. as you are what you are... and it's your choice... I can also see that you will now be experiencing what I have been experiencing in this creation... and that is a loss of power...

I don't know if you want to continue this dialogue.. but I am open to hear your views and opinions and feelings if you care to share them....

Question 3----- To whom or what are you giving up control - How are you certain that whatever it is really wants what is best for you?. I am lead on a house full of people - cant afford to give up fully , I also have a long list of enemies that would love nothing more then by head on a platter. How do I ensure whatever I an reversing to is actually better hen what I have got now.

Hi Chris,

I am not giving up control to anyone or anything outside of myself... I am giving up my control of me by ending my denials of ALL aspects of myself... and in that... I am taking my power back... In ending my denials, I also end my need to control others and also of enabling others to control me...

For me, it has been up until now... both an energy and physical battle.. Trying to live, one step ahead of who or what I thought was out to put my head on a platter... or at least.. to control and dominate my so-called life....

If what you have doesn't make you happy, and what you desire is the opposite of what you have, then you need to move in the opposite direction... If more power and control only brings more work, stress, enemies and people wanting to take your head.. then you need to take a real hard look to see if there ever can be any peace and happiness with that way of life... Even those at the of the food chain are not happy or peaceful as they need to continually enforce their power over the masses they control

What do you mean by, "I am lead on a house full of people" ... Are these people directly under your control... and are you talking astral.. physical or both? And why are you leading them?


Question 4 ----- by acknowledging all aspects of yourself and taking responsibilty you set yourself free ? I work six days a week eight hours d day and I still cant pass the tests I want in information technology - granted they are all Master and Expert titles and I am just starting out. I acknowledge that I am not what i used to be and I am moving as quickly as my earthly limations allow to find employment and improve things here.

As far as the astral goes , I had an ex-wife/supposed guardian angel who wasnt. Seperated me from my family tried to kill me , told me so many lies I dont know the truth about that section of this life. Started with building a house for myself and eleven others - twelve of us had been soldiers for many years in the same armies. Let the house become more then a house - now has well over three trillion googleplex people living in it all the services and entertainment needed to cater to such a population.

I try not to use any sort of force as a leader - I consider myself a central point for all departments to coordinate between and a troubleshooter for all manner of problems interapersonal and medical included.Usually I just speak and people are willing to help , seems i am some sort of Oracle to them which was never my desire or intent , I like helping people - as an empath I dont get much choice. During time of war people are trying to kill you thats how the war business goes when you have done it for two thousand years you tend to forget whos family you had to kill.

Hi Chris,

In reply to your question.. "by acknowledging all aspects of yourself and taking responsibility you set yourself free?" the answer is yes.

I have a couple of questions for you. I'm a little confused as you say you and eleven others have been fighting in the same armies.. Is that as mercenaries or for the US government.. or.. for the "New World Order" that is running the US and other world governments..

I'm also confused with the Googleplex...and the thirteen trillion people... I take it you are referring to some form of the google/Internet/content... And are you also working for, or with Google in the field of advanced information technology? Hummm.. If that's the case... then you know all about me and what I have been posting.. who has been visiting my sites and yadda, yadda, yadda. So then why are we in this conversation? Things that make one go Hummmm? So what am I missing?

I'm also curious about why you say you have only been fighting for the past 2000 years, as that puts your first incarnation at around the time of Christ..and if that has any significance to the wars you have been in?


Question 5 ------ Question: Google is a unit of measure equivlent to one with one hundred zeros after it - googleplex is the plural Its rather weird that all twelve of us have always been together - weve fought in just about every major conflict - Battle of Hastings in 1058 WW1 WW2 War of the roses are a few of the standouts. Eoman fronts in the persian wars was also a knuckledragger - just a small sampling. Almost always as some sort of elite grouping

These are the wars I can recall like it was yesterday. This form I am not a soldier - my first as something else. I dont know what i am supposed to do with this form - for some reason I feel called to IT security.I have too long a lineage to totally give up on my astral responsibilities yet I dont know how to balance both earth and astral I try so hard not to hurt people anymore - yet I seem to have a knack for causing emoional injuries.Assuming the statements " Reincarnation is a way for you to learn those lessons you missed in another life " and "when you learn all the lessons you ascend someplace " are true , when I go through my timeline and reexperience all of it instead of the samples i mentioned using all of my senses to achieve total awareness , I should walk away with all the questions awnsered. I just dont know how to get a long regression like that or how to ensure I dont change the past by accident

Hi Chris,

When you say "astral responsibilities" do you also mean your job as a remote view and using that information to influence or control physical experiences?

Last night I got the reason why you are drawn to "information technology" instead of physical fighting, you are now fighting with the pen (INFORMATION)... "The pen is mightier than the sword" .... That phrase has a double meaning.. for you it's... Kill a man with a sword and you had rid yourself of an enemy. Change the way he thinks, and you control not only his mind, but his body to do your bidding... Which has more power?

For me it's the opposite... Share your truth openly and you give others and opportunity to not only change their minds and beliefs but to also free themselves of their old beliefs that have controlled them and kept them in bondage.

You said that you don't want to hurt people but that you have a "knack" of causing emotional injury... Emotions and feelings are what you hate and so... true to your nature, you have a natural way of getting into another persons denied emotions and feelings and activating them into their pain. You are unaware of these emotions in yourself as you don't have them and can't feel them, and yet they are what you are really fighting against... to control others who are not like you.. That also ties in with the reincarnation cycle and re-experiencing the same old stuff... SSDD same shit...different day...

I keep getting that you are the (11) others have something to do with Jesus
and the (12) apostles... Care to comment on that?

>>>>> NO FURTHER REPLY <<<<<<<<

I still haven’t figured out who his is ands why he contacted me and if anyone has any ideas or feelings, drop me a line.

B119 - Things happening at the house.

Marian (ex-wife) is always complaining about money, but the more she gets, the more she spends. Recently I had told her that my glasses were six years old and that I had stopped in at a optical place that was having a sale, to see about getting my eyes tested and maybe a new pair as these were scratched, but that even with the sale, they were still too pricy for me. She told me that her glasses were almost two years ago, and then a couple of days later she went out and got herself new glasses and frames for over $550.00. A couple of days later, she went out and ordered prescription sunglasses for another $375.00.

I picked up an Eddy Bauer jacket like new, at the Salvation Army for $7.00. She had to have a new winter coat and went out and spent $175. She gets her hair done twice a month as well as her nails and facial. She now found out that she doesn’t have to pay municipal taxes for November and December and now she’s planning a trip to Scotland, where our son and his wife are moving to and where she originally game from. The list goes on and on.

What she is doing is selfish, not self-love, as I feel that she has to have what others have in order to be happy and if she doesn’t get it or have it, she gets depressed. It’s the same old Marian that I married and could never please, no matter how much money I gave her, it was never enough and it’s still the same. She believes that money brings happiness and love.

I’ve also noticed that whatever I do, she wants to do, even if she can’t physically do it. When I got the part time job, she wanted to get a part time job and asked me to see if they were still hiring. I buy my own groceries and at first she says that what she has is better, but when I don’t switch and she tastes my food, she switches to my food. She didn't like banannas when I moved in and now she does. She didn’t like 12 grain bread, now she does. She disn't like perogies, now she likes them too. Whatever I eat, she now also eats, including my food when she doesn’t have any and that is beginning to tick me off as I got to fix myself something to eat and it’s gone.

B118 - Things happening at Work

I’ve been working five to six days a week and I’ve neglected posting to my Blog, although I’ve been busy with my other Blogs. Work is getting interesting as all the little things are beginning to surface. I’ve also had my share of issues in dealing with customers and in my expressing myself, my way. While I have ruffled a few customer feathers, I have also seen that my actions were not only observed, but approved, not only by customers but also by my peers who witnessed my dealings with these people.

For instance, I was dealing with an elderly woman and she was just beginning to pay me when another woman started unloading her shopping card to the counter and she was shoving the elderly lady aside. I stopped and raised my hand and told her to get her stuff off the counter and to back off until this lady had finished her business. She pretended she didn’t hear me and so I repeated myself but this time more forcefully. She seemed shocked but quickly removed her items. Other people in line behind the woman just smiled. The older lady smiled and moved back to her original position and paid me. After she left, the pushy woman put her stuff on the counter and never said a word as she paid for her order and left.

Also the manager, a young woman, activated me into issues with my mother and authority. One time it was her words that confused me and another time it was her actions and instead of asking questions and challenging her, I was activated into my confusion, and fear and into panic and I tried to mind read what she said, wanted or needed. After all she was the boss (my mother, the authority figure) she gave me the job (my mother housed and fed me) and I have to make her happy because if she’s not happy with me, I will suffer the consequences. Just like what I used to do with my mother, but for different reasons.

Later I talked to her about it and thanked her for activating me. She apologized for her actions as she understood that she didn’t explain what she was doing or wanting. I said no apology required, just that the next time, I will not be reacting the way I did as I am now aware of why I went into my panic and fear, due to my confusion and unresolved issues with my mother. She said she understood, but I felt she was confused with my reference to her and my mother.

I also have the assistant manager, another young woman who is trying to set me up with her mother-in-law, who also works at the store. While the mother-in-law is sociable, I am not attracted to her and I also feel hat she is set very set in her ways. In general, I’m having have fun with the customers and fellow employees as I let me be me and let them be them. I don’t know if I mentioned this before but I’m the only man in the store and the first in more than three years.