B55 - The Dictator within me

'06 June 24 11:oo a.m. Saturday

I'd been working all week and when I got home last night I was exhausted, sore and beat. I was tired and sore all week, but I just kept adding to it as the week went on. I feel that it wasn't just the physical work, but also the medication I was on that drained me. I was ready to go to bed by 7:00 p.m. but I struggled and forced myself to stay awake as long as I could as I wanted to make sure that I didn't wake up at 3:00 a.m. and then not be able to get back to sleep.

On Wednesday, I was awake until midnight, coughing and wheezing as earlier in the week I had been installing insulation and a couple of days later I was sanding drywall. I breathed in both the fiberglass insulation and the drywall dust and that night I could feel my body trying to reject and expel it from my lungs.

I thought back to other times in my life when I denied my body and forced it to be in dangerous and harmful situations. Just because I (My Mind) couldn't see the immediate physical affects it was having on my body, I denied it was having any. "Show me" was my Minds motto. Because my Mind was in denial and wasn't open and willing to look inside my body to see if what it was saying was actually happening and true, my body had to not only endure the abuse, but also had to present physical external evidence, "proof" that what it was saying was true. And even when it did, my mind belittled the problem my body was having.

As I was writing this post I thought of how my mind is very much like an out of control, (but totally in control) dictator and a picture of Hitler flashed before me. I went on the Net and got this picture of Hitler and that's why it's on this post.



B54 - Feeling pain - Pain Killers

'06 June 23

Recently, I had made a few calls to some local Reno companies and I got a call and started work on Monday July 19. It's been hot work and I not used to the physical labor of hauling 4'x 8' sheets of 1/2" drywall up three flights of stairs.

I've also been taking my medication and I can feel it starting to work the past few days and as my "lower" body is no longer in the acute pain it once was. But right now my kidneys are starting to hurt, not just hurt, they're in pain... Hurting is feeling pain, and feeling is good, is alive.... Numb is not feeling pain, numb has no feeling, feeling is no thing.

Humm? It's interesting how we ignorantly believe that when we don't feel pain, that things are fine, but in reality, we have just lost consciousness with the parts of our selves that are in pain. In taking pain killers, this loss of consciousness has been a deliberate choice, with unloving intent towards our bodies not to feel what it is feeling. There seems to be no end to our hatred for our body and its feeling of pain.

Speaking of body, I abused mine today. I stated earlier that I had started a part time job and we were renovating the third floor attic of a rooming house and converting it into another bedroom. By mid-morning we were ready to start to insulate the walls and ceiling We didn't look for the dust masks until we needed then only to discover that they had been misplaced.The boss went out to get some and we continued to install the insulation with no masks. We were almost done installing the vapor barrier by the time he returned with the masks. I knew that fiber-glass insulation dust was not good as I tried to move slowly when using it so as not to create too much dust, but the dust (tiny particles of glass) couldn't be avoided in this cramped and poorly ventilated space. I don't feel it in my lungs yet, but I know I will.


B53 - Hating my Teeth and Eyes

06 June 18 5:10 p.m.

I was using some dental floss to get some popcorn out from between my teeth and I noticed a dark spot on my gum beside a molar. I never noticed it before and now I have fear that my teeth are going to give me trouble as sometimes I have a feeling of a slight tooth ache in this area. I don't feel that it can be repaired as it already has two fillings and I got the message that a root canal and crown wouldn't work. I guess I could go without this molar, but I already have one missing between it and my last one and the last one isn't in that great a shape either. I feel heartbroken because if I lose these two teeth, I'll only have eight real teeth left on the bottom.

Before I started to write about teeth, I felt how I hated them. As a child my upper teeth were sightly overlapped at the front but my bottom teeth were straight. I hated that the top teeth were crooked as I got teased by the kids at school. Later in grade 7, I had an accident where I fell and broke my eight of my top front teeth. They were not entirely broken out, but broken at the roots, chipped and damaged enough that they couldn't be repaired. I had to live with the pain and the shame, until grade ten when I finally got them and the rest of my upper teeth pulled. As my top molars were not in great shape, the dentist recommeded that I get a full denture instead of a partial. Living with rotting teeth for three years was bad enough, I then had to endure the pain of getting them all pulled at once. I also had to wait six months for my gums to heal before I could get my dentures. I was starting grade ten at the time and this was also the fourth new school in as many years.

I just flashed back to grade five and six and having a tooth ache and having to go to the dentist and how I hated both the pain I was having from my tooth and the pain I was receiving at the hands of the dentist. I hated my teeth for causing me pain.

As I searched for clip art for this post, I came upon this one of a baby. I had forgotten that as babies, were also have pain and hatred for our teeth when we are cutting them . Then a few years later, we again have pain and more hatred, when we lose our baby teeth and get our adult teeth.

5:29 p.m. I also realized that I hate my eyes. As a child, I didn't want to see the evil and unlovingness I was seeing around me. I didn't like the visions I was seeing of me getting abused and I blamed my physical eyes for that. I felt that if I didn't see what was going to happen, then it wouldn't happen, but that never worked. I couldn't stop my inner seeing so I pretended that I couldn't see.

(As I'm writing this post I'm realizing that it was during this time that I was also beginning to lose my clairvoyant ability. Again, I hated seeing visions, so I pushed my seeing ability away.)

Unable to get help to stop the abuse at school, I pretended to have problems seeing so that I would be moved up to the front of the class so that I would get away from the bullies. I also thought that if I wore glasses, that the bullies wouldn't pick on me. Problem was that when I got the glasses, I couldn't see the blackboard as I had perfect vision and now it was blurred by the glasses. I was forced to wear them until the bullies finally broke them as they would take them off me and beat me up anyway. Later on in my teens I developed astigmatism and then I really needed glasses and I've had to wear them ever since and now I hate my eyes because I can't see far things far away.



B52 - The Sense of Touch

'06 June 18 1:07 a.m.

I just went to bed and was thinking that only one of our five physical senses, our sense of touch, is the only one that isn't directly associated with our head. While touch encompasses the whole body, it's mainly associated with our hands and fingers. What we fail to realize is that the body and all its myriad parts and functions is what animates form and gives us our life experiences. The MIND can't can't do that on its own as it needs the rest of the body to enable it to have life, yet our MIND thinks that it has control over the the physical body. While the body is dependant on the brain (MIND) to maintain its functions, it is these very same bodily functions that maintain life for the Mind. It's a two way street, yet the MIND treats the body as a slave to do it's bidding, to be at its beck and call and it's the body that's to blame when it can't perform to the minds unloving demands and expectations.

As I was typing this piece, I remembered that when I was exploring the chakras, our seven major energy centres, that our hands and arms are extensions of our heart chakra. Now isn't that interesting when we combine it with the sense of touch? It's our arms and hands that explore the world and it's our sense of physical touch that speaks volumes in our human experience as a touch can be unloving or loving.

Touch also is involved with our sense of being, our I AM presence as it differentiates one from another. Even to experience ourselves, we have to differentiate that a part of us is different and not the same as another part of us. If there was no differentiation, there would be no experience. The mind is unable to experience itself, to know itself, unless it has something else to compare itself to that is not itself. Emotions and the physical body are two such aspects of ourselves, that allow for differentiation and experience.

It's a totally different experience touching yourself or being touched by another as we have no control, but can only respond to the touch of another. The same holds true when touching another, as our sense of feeling "touch" and our feed-back to our mind, is information that is altered and different from what we get when we touch ourselves.

Humm, things are getting interesting, if not in the moment, then a month later when I'm finally typing it up.



B51 - To be good, you have to be bad.

'06 June 14 1:15 p.m. To be good you have to be Bad

Maurice, the guy whose place I'm staying at, made a comment this morning about me writing about him saying that he hoped it was good. I replied that good was relative and what did he mean by good. He said "to be good you have to be bad". I pondered that statement for a moment and then asked him to explain what he meant by that. He said that in order to be good, to succeed at what you're doing in this world that you have to be bad, that you have to lie, cheat and do whatever it takes and you have to be good at it. Because if you're not good at being bad or you tell the truth, you get clobbered. I understood the twisted logic and truth in what he was saying and I looked and him and said, I can't really disagree with you there.


9:15 p.m. Rage and Blame at my Body

Today tried to get a hold of the doctor that treated me a couple of months ago. I got her office number from the drug store and I called her but she was on leave and I couldn't get a refill over the phone and the receptionist suggested that I make another appointment at the clinic to see another doctor. I went to the after six clinic and after a brief discussion I was able to get an appointment. I had to give a urine sample and after it was analyzed I had an exam. The new Doctor gave me the same prescription that I had before for my bacterial infection.

When I was driving home, I though back to her examining me and how I winced in pain when she pressed on a sore part of my right testicle. I thought about my pain and flashed to my rage and blame towards my body, especially my testicles. I had rage and blame at them for getting **** pregnant and also for my experience with ******* Then I flashed to getting a vasectomy, that I didn't want any more children and that I'd have IT fixed so that IT would never cause me problems again.

How unloving was that!!!

No wonder I have issues with my testicles. I hated and blamed them for what I believed they did. My MIND didn't take any responsibility for any of the actions it was making and how it used my body to get what it wanted but when things didn't go as planned, Hey!! It was my body that F%$ked-up, it' to blame. It's your fault! You're the cause of the problem.

Hummm? I can't un-do what has been done, so how can I heal this???

B50 - Born not good enough

'06 June 13 8:12 a.m.

It is my experience that when we are dealing with denied emotions, that the emotions that first surface, that you feel are actually false emotions. That they and the experience that activated them are not the real or the cause or issue, but a reflection of the real cause and issue, that if explored, will lead to the denied emotions and the experiences that caused or created them.

I feel the same is true with our body, but I also feel it's a lot more complicated than that as you're not only dealing with false emotions, but our minds, imprints, programs and beliefs AND also our bodies feelings and it's imprints, programs and beliefs.

This morning, I felt pain and stiffness in my lower back and I also felt a feeling of heartbreak, that I can't do what I used to be able to do. I'm confused as that emotion doesn't appear to have any real relationship with the pain in my lower back or the cause of the pain, only a form of judgment of what my body can or can't do.

'06 June 13 8:23 a.m.

I just had a vision of a baby in a shopping card at a grocery store where the baby and I recognized each other. I thought of how our physical bodies are like tools that we have in order to experience physical reality, but that one condition and imprint that we still have is that we need to be born in order to experience the physical. However, in the process of being born, we lose our true remembering, powers and gifts. We're slowly loose our real selves and become what society says we should be, that who and what we are isn't good enough.

Ahh!!! I can see where that comes from and is leading to. Because what we are as a baby (our body) isn't really good enough. We didn't come into the physical world with enough essence and power to be able to live. We're dependent on other people and things in order to maintain a physical life and we basically have the same imprints, programs and beliefs until we die, because again, our physical body isn't good enough, healthy enough to maintain life. In the process of growing to a point of being physically and mentally able to look after ourselves and experience life, we also fragment and destroy our body with disease and aging to the point where maintaining life in the body is impossible and it's forced to die and try again. What a %#@*!& - up cycle

We're not good enough because we're not whole. We're not whole because we're fragmented. We're fragmented because we have no love or acceptance for the parts of us that have been over-ridden, either by others, and/or by ourselves.


B49 - Wanting to get out of the pain

June 12

Wow! Time is flying and I have a lot of catch up to do as it's now July 18..

2:19 p.m. It's interesting as I just realized that all morning I've been trying to reach the Doctor that gave me the past prescription a couple of months ago. I even called the drug store hoping I could get a repeat, but I can't. I'm just wanting to get out of the pain so that I can feel and heal whatever is causing he pain... Now isn't that a laugh as the just the opposite is true.

I can vaguely remember telling myself that I'm looking my body by getting help and not being stubborn, that I know I have an infection so why wait. If I had a broken leg I wouldn't wait and just leave it. While there's a truth to that statement I feel that it's a part truth, that something is missing and that what is missing is actually the KEY to healing, real healing of the body. Humm??? But now...what is it?



B48 - Over-Riding (Ourselves and Others)

I drank about 1 ½ liters of tea and water before going to bed. I woke up having to go to the bathroom and I remembered to how I peed my pants on the first day of school and how I hated my body for embarrassing and shaming me.

>>> I have to stop and explain a bit here or you wouldn’t see or feel the significance of that experience. I was born in Saskatchewan, Canada and while my parents, of German decent, were also born in Canada, had gone to school and knew how to read, write and speak English, German was the only language that was spoken at home. We had lived in the small German Catholic community but before I started school, we had moved to a another farm in an English protestant community. So when I started school, I had no way of communicating with anyone in English as German was the only language I knew, and hence my issues. To this day, I still don’t remember where the bathroom was in the school that I attended for six years. Now back to my Journal. <<< onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/5409/1111/1600/Baby1.2.jpg">As a child, we express your bodies wants needs and desires unconditionally, I mean as a newborn. In the hours, days and weeks following our birth we begin to be imprinted and programmed. We are not fed when hungry, not nurtured when we feel unloved and abandoned, nor we are attended to when we are laying in our own wastes, to the point that our body develops rashes and sores. We are not abusing our body, our parents are. Not only are they abusing our body, but they are also over-riding our emotions and stopping us from crying by stuffing a dummy in our mouth so that we don’t cry or to falsely satisfy our want and need for food until such time that they desire to give it to us.

It doesn’t take long for a baby to "get with the program" as it has no choice and it soon adapts to the parents ignorantly unloving demands. And the sad thing is that the older we get, the more we are imprinted and programmed into believing that being unloving to our bodies is not only acceptable but is considered desirable and the normal way of life. Our body has become a slave.

PS: I was just viewing this post and I saw the clipart of my June 09 post, the one with an old man (Father Time). I felt it significant that in this post is the picture of a newborn child and that here are both the beginning and end of what we call "life." I also felt a connection between the imprints, programs and beliefs that we are forced to accept and the failing of our heal and well being.