B53 - Hating my Teeth and Eyes

06 June 18 5:10 p.m.

I was using some dental floss to get some popcorn out from between my teeth and I noticed a dark spot on my gum beside a molar. I never noticed it before and now I have fear that my teeth are going to give me trouble as sometimes I have a feeling of a slight tooth ache in this area. I don't feel that it can be repaired as it already has two fillings and I got the message that a root canal and crown wouldn't work. I guess I could go without this molar, but I already have one missing between it and my last one and the last one isn't in that great a shape either. I feel heartbroken because if I lose these two teeth, I'll only have eight real teeth left on the bottom.

Before I started to write about teeth, I felt how I hated them. As a child my upper teeth were sightly overlapped at the front but my bottom teeth were straight. I hated that the top teeth were crooked as I got teased by the kids at school. Later in grade 7, I had an accident where I fell and broke my eight of my top front teeth. They were not entirely broken out, but broken at the roots, chipped and damaged enough that they couldn't be repaired. I had to live with the pain and the shame, until grade ten when I finally got them and the rest of my upper teeth pulled. As my top molars were not in great shape, the dentist recommeded that I get a full denture instead of a partial. Living with rotting teeth for three years was bad enough, I then had to endure the pain of getting them all pulled at once. I also had to wait six months for my gums to heal before I could get my dentures. I was starting grade ten at the time and this was also the fourth new school in as many years.

I just flashed back to grade five and six and having a tooth ache and having to go to the dentist and how I hated both the pain I was having from my tooth and the pain I was receiving at the hands of the dentist. I hated my teeth for causing me pain.

As I searched for clip art for this post, I came upon this one of a baby. I had forgotten that as babies, were also have pain and hatred for our teeth when we are cutting them . Then a few years later, we again have pain and more hatred, when we lose our baby teeth and get our adult teeth.

5:29 p.m. I also realized that I hate my eyes. As a child, I didn't want to see the evil and unlovingness I was seeing around me. I didn't like the visions I was seeing of me getting abused and I blamed my physical eyes for that. I felt that if I didn't see what was going to happen, then it wouldn't happen, but that never worked. I couldn't stop my inner seeing so I pretended that I couldn't see.

(As I'm writing this post I'm realizing that it was during this time that I was also beginning to lose my clairvoyant ability. Again, I hated seeing visions, so I pushed my seeing ability away.)

Unable to get help to stop the abuse at school, I pretended to have problems seeing so that I would be moved up to the front of the class so that I would get away from the bullies. I also thought that if I wore glasses, that the bullies wouldn't pick on me. Problem was that when I got the glasses, I couldn't see the blackboard as I had perfect vision and now it was blurred by the glasses. I was forced to wear them until the bullies finally broke them as they would take them off me and beat me up anyway. Later on in my teens I developed astigmatism and then I really needed glasses and I've had to wear them ever since and now I hate my eyes because I can't see far things far away.

JR