B51 - To be good, you have to be bad.

'06 June 14 1:15 p.m. To be good you have to be Bad

Maurice, the guy whose place I'm staying at, made a comment this morning about me writing about him saying that he hoped it was good. I replied that good was relative and what did he mean by good. He said "to be good you have to be bad". I pondered that statement for a moment and then asked him to explain what he meant by that. He said that in order to be good, to succeed at what you're doing in this world that you have to be bad, that you have to lie, cheat and do whatever it takes and you have to be good at it. Because if you're not good at being bad or you tell the truth, you get clobbered. I understood the twisted logic and truth in what he was saying and I looked and him and said, I can't really disagree with you there.


9:15 p.m. Rage and Blame at my Body

Today tried to get a hold of the doctor that treated me a couple of months ago. I got her office number from the drug store and I called her but she was on leave and I couldn't get a refill over the phone and the receptionist suggested that I make another appointment at the clinic to see another doctor. I went to the after six clinic and after a brief discussion I was able to get an appointment. I had to give a urine sample and after it was analyzed I had an exam. The new Doctor gave me the same prescription that I had before for my bacterial infection.

When I was driving home, I though back to her examining me and how I winced in pain when she pressed on a sore part of my right testicle. I thought about my pain and flashed to my rage and blame towards my body, especially my testicles. I had rage and blame at them for getting **** pregnant and also for my experience with ******* Then I flashed to getting a vasectomy, that I didn't want any more children and that I'd have IT fixed so that IT would never cause me problems again.

How unloving was that!!!

No wonder I have issues with my testicles. I hated and blamed them for what I believed they did. My MIND didn't take any responsibility for any of the actions it was making and how it used my body to get what it wanted but when things didn't go as planned, Hey!! It was my body that F%$ked-up, it' to blame. It's your fault! You're the cause of the problem.

Hummm? I can't un-do what has been done, so how can I heal this???

No comments: