B55 - The Dictator within me

'06 June 24 11:oo a.m. Saturday

I'd been working all week and when I got home last night I was exhausted, sore and beat. I was tired and sore all week, but I just kept adding to it as the week went on. I feel that it wasn't just the physical work, but also the medication I was on that drained me. I was ready to go to bed by 7:00 p.m. but I struggled and forced myself to stay awake as long as I could as I wanted to make sure that I didn't wake up at 3:00 a.m. and then not be able to get back to sleep.

On Wednesday, I was awake until midnight, coughing and wheezing as earlier in the week I had been installing insulation and a couple of days later I was sanding drywall. I breathed in both the fiberglass insulation and the drywall dust and that night I could feel my body trying to reject and expel it from my lungs.

I thought back to other times in my life when I denied my body and forced it to be in dangerous and harmful situations. Just because I (My Mind) couldn't see the immediate physical affects it was having on my body, I denied it was having any. "Show me" was my Minds motto. Because my Mind was in denial and wasn't open and willing to look inside my body to see if what it was saying was actually happening and true, my body had to not only endure the abuse, but also had to present physical external evidence, "proof" that what it was saying was true. And even when it did, my mind belittled the problem my body was having.

As I was writing this post I thought of how my mind is very much like an out of control, (but totally in control) dictator and a picture of Hitler flashed before me. I went on the Net and got this picture of Hitler and that's why it's on this post.

JR