'04 Nov. 01
Well here I go again.
I feel I'm in a no mans land and what I'm going into is DEATH. Death is something that our Spirit has never experienced as it has always lifted out of our body whenever our body began to fail. Our Soul has also been left behind and as such, is part of our Lost Will that we also have to recover. Recover by the only means possible, which is for the Spirit to have acceptance for the feelings that both the Will and Body go through when they are forced to experience death or nothingness and loss of consciousness. What our body experiened in its contact with death is also something that we need to heal.
Death is terrifying to the Spirit that has been in denial as it is something that it has always avoided feeling saying things as, death is just a natural part of life, death is the opening of a new door, There is no need to fear death as life is eternal, Death is the balance and the opposite of life, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I'm feeling my body begin to let go. Not let go in getting ready to die, but in letting go of all the things that it is holding that want to make it die as in unloving light, guilt and shame and my imprints, programs and beliefs. I feel that my body has been holding on to this "unloving energy" so tightly and that I believed,(my Spirit and mind) that "it" was holding me together when in reality, the opposite was true.
It's terrifying watching my body become undone in just a matter of weeks and sometimes I notice a difference in days. My shin becomes loose, my muscles have lost mass and tone in a matter of days. My body stoops, my memory and strength fails, my eyes blurr and the list goes on and on. And then at night when you awaken from your sleep or just as you're drifting off, you feel the numbness in your lower body and extremedies. You know you have legs and arms, but you can't feel them. Although all this is happening to me, I feel that I'm still healthy and able to function.
I can also feel my Spirit (mind) scrambling to find solutions to what it feels is not desireable or unacceptable from the body, which is another form of self-hatred exposed along with its fear of death. My Mind is also being fed and controlled by the imprints and programs and by unloving light that doesn't want me to heal this.
I don't know where all this is going or how I'm going to find what I need to heal, but I intend to find and heal any part of me that wants life.
I just flashed to an insight that I had before, "that to know what love is you have to know what love isn't." Well I guess, no, I know, "that in order to know what life is you also have to know what life isn't, and what death is.
Well that's it for now, I'll keep you posted as I can.
Love, Light and Life,
John a.k.a Shenreed
'04 Nov. 01