'05 Jan 13
Well I picked up some shelving and a couple of chairs at the Salvation Army and I made myself a computer desk so things are getting cosy. I did have to by some sheets and pillows but I got them on sale.
I still haven't got my deposit back and he's been out and also avoiding me. He has a new tennant and I was talking to him. He's pissed off and is looking for another place. Apparently Nick has locked him out of the main part of the rest of the house so he doesn't have access to the bathroom or kitchen.
Well just when it looks like I might be setting in I come to another fork in the road. I had picked up a New Age Magazine and saw an article that they were looking for building, gardening and computer help for the retreat centre that they also have. I wrote them stating that I was interested and also submitted the article on New Years Resolutions 501-08
I received and E-mail back saying that they wanted to meet me and that she also liked my article but wanted me to personalize it. At first I was a little put off and also confused and then I realized that it made sense and I re-wrote it. I was also actived not only by revising my article but also by what she had said and I stated both my activations in the e-mail I send her which I now share. ( text in red)
Anyway, enough explaining or rather "justifying" as my activation and fear is that it wouldn't meet your expectations and that you'll reject it and me in the process. Gee! Even writing an article is a healing experience as it activates more of my unresolved issues on different levels and layers. I can also see how this is related to other issues I'm presently working on. Thanks! John
I also have to say that I don't know how I feel about reading your comment, "giving some of your life energy," but it's activated me. I'm not fully into feeling it yet, but I'll let you know when I have and what it is. Ahh! It's the word "giving" like in the saying, "you have to give to get, or it's the price one has to pay to be part of something. You have to give love to get love," and all the other beliefs associated with "conditional" Love. I don't feel you meant it that way, but that's what was activated in me. This also has to do with co-creating the New World. Humm. Second activation, and all this is coming up with just one email. But this is good! It's healing for me and also letting you see how I work on my issues. I could have denied saying anything, but I feel there are no coincidences and this is all coming up for a reason for me to share. I just realized that this activation also ties in with my previous one and the issues of having to meet your expectations. Thanks again.
Then yesterday she e-mailed me and approved what I had re-written but suggested that I remove the bold type and the underling of certain words. She said I didn't have to and that it was my choice. Again, I was activated but got insights into my issues. I revised it and sent her the following E-mail.
I’ve revised the article and I’ve taken out the underlined and bold words. You’re right AGAIN!!!
It’s interesting how the universe shows us things that we’re not aware of (Dah! Like what I wrote about at the end of my article) A couple of days ago I received an E-mail from a friend and it was almost all typed in bold letters. I felt she was shouting at me. When you shared your bit about underlining and bold I realized that yes, while those words are important to me, I don’t have to SHOUT or try to MAKE another person HEAR me. If they read the article and they’re ready to “hear” and “feel” my words, then they will be activated to do the underlining for themselves.
I wasn’t aware that I was unlovingly, subtly and not so subtly, trying to control and to make others understand what I’ve experienced and know as my truth, and also in a strange way, I was trying to save them. Another part of this is that I still have an issue of feeling not heard, or that what I say, or more importantly, what I feel, is not important. Again it’s another layer of wanting to be accepted and loved by others (outside myself) and not accepting my inner truth, and myself. Many people will read and not understand and that’s OK, as that’s their journey. Instead of “trying to be” whatever... I’ll just be. Another step on my healing journey and I thank you for being honest and forthright and helping me uncover yet another form of denial and unlovingness.
Now I'm working on Lost Will fragmentation in a way that I've never looked at it before, or rather seen or felt it before and also about the "feeling" of fear. I'll keep you posted as I can.
Love, Light and Life,
PS: I'm going to post all three versions of the article (501-08) that I wrote so that you can relate it to what I've posted here.
'05 Jan 13