While it’s been a while since I’ve posted any personal stuff, that’s not to say that I’m not going through any personal stuff and issues. There’s been a lot going on so I’ll just start at the beginning and try to keep the posts readable. I’ve been working on dealing with my issues of sexuality and healing my chakras. I feel that the physical illness that I’ve been going through the past few months is part of this healing process. Sexuality isn’t just about sex, but includes desire, passion, excitement, lust, warmth, sensuality, attraction, romance, and a host of other adjectives as well as all the fears, issues, guilt and shame that these emotions bring up.
On Tuesday, April 11, I was told about a ballroom dance in a nearby town on the upcoming Saturday evening. The young woman who told me about the dance is not a ballroom dance teacher but she does competitive dancing. She also helps out in the classes that I’m taking, and that is where I met her. I’ve been to a couple of dances put on by the Dance Instructor where I’ve danced with other students at my level and also with a couple of the assistants, including her. She also told me that at this dance, there would be single women there that I could dance with. I told her I’d think about it and that I’d call her for directions if I decided to go. I wanted to go but at the same time there was a part of me that was just going to pass and make up some excuse. But then I thought that there had to be a reason I was trying to avoid this experience and that’s when I realized that this went back to grades seven and eight, to issues of sexuality, passion, desire, not good enough, being alone, being unaccepted and a host of others yet to surface. Even though I had this insight, I went though this yes-no routine right up to early Saturday evening when I decided to go.
There was a lot going on in my personal life during grades seven and eight, but what is relevant is that I was struggling to find some form of social acceptance and I was also becoming aware of my sexuality. I had overheard other guys in the neighborhood saying what fun they had at the local dances and I knew that dancing also involved girls. I though that if I could be like them I would be accepted by them and that I might also find a girl friend. At the same time I felt intimidated as I didn’t know how to dance and I didn’t know any girls that were going and I was too shy, afraid and ashamed to ask any that I knew. I was also split on going to the dances as according to my mother and the Catholic Religion, dancing was a sin and evil, so I couldn’t ask my Mother to teach me to dance. My mother also teased and shamed me about any attraction to, or involvement with girls. Eventually I got up the courage to go to the dance by myself but I never danced the first two or three times I went as I just watched and tried to learn the steps. When I finally got the nerve to get out on the floor, the only dances I tried were a slow foot shuffling waltz with an old fashioned butterfly dance that was a simple form of line dance with two basic movements that was danced by three people, two girls and a guy or two guys and a girl. Jive was way too fast and complicated for me at the time as no one showed me the steps and everyone seemed to be doing it differently.
Anyway, back to the present. I had hummed and hawed all week as to whether I’d go or not, and I finally decided to go just to see what issues it brought up. Needless to say, I never called to tell her yea or nay or for directions. It was a cool and rainy evening as I made my way up the back roads to the small town community centre and after a couple of wrong turns I finally found the place. I went in and looked around and couldn’t see anyone that I knew but I bought my ticket anyway and walked up to the bar to get a drink. As I left the bar, I was greeted by a man that I had seen at one of the earlier dances and he approached me and asked me if I wanted to sit at their table at the far end of the hall, I breathed a sigh of relief as I joined his wife and another couple. A few minutes later the young woman that I mentioned earlier and another young woman came to the table where she introduced the other woman as her mother. I was confused and surprised as when I saw them approaching, I thought that the mother was an older sister. It was at that point that I realized that I was attracted to her mother and that I also had desire to know more.
To be continued. End of part (1 of 5)
PS: Just to let you know how much I was, and am, into my issues; I even got three zitts on my face. :) I'm feeling young again Ha Ha!
PPS: Edited '06 June 07 (added the 5 in 1 of -)