I have some insights as to what has been going on that I'd like to share with you. I'll begin with more from my journal entries, but with additional comments.
Sunday morning, 10:35 a.m. I was finishing my second cup of coffee as I picked up the Yellow book; number five in the series called the Right Use of Will. I flipped it open to wherever page it happened to open to and began to read. As I read, I understood what I was now working on, it was my imprinting. (I can’t possibly begin to explain where I’m coming from at this time but feel my words as best you can. We are a spiritual being having a human experience. Our original feelings of longing, desire, a need to love and be loved, produced movement and the reaching toward light and love but instead of receiving love, we were struck instead by a light that was unloving, and it was this unloving light and strike that imprinted and programed us.)
As I was reading, I realized that that was also part of the reason I was attracted to the woman I mentioned earlier. It wasn’t only her that I was attracted to but, but also to the woman she reminder me of that I originally had feelings for but denied. I was also responding to my original imprinting of longing to love and be loved but also afraid of it at the same time, afraid that I would be struck and rejected and so I denied to avoid the pain. To avoid the pain I had to deny any expression of my fears, hopes, dreams and desires, feelings and emotions. I wasn’t responding to love, but to unlovingness, denial and the imprinting that said that longing and desire were wrong as were the expression of feelings and emotions. Furthermore, my mental beliefs and my denials were also unloving to my emotional self that wanted to express.
But then there was a shift when I ended my denials and I called her and expressed myself as best I could. And while it wasn’t complete, it was enough to move some of the imprinting and programming so that when I went to the dance, the attraction I originally had, that I felt so strongly was gone, not that it was “gone,” but there was no longer the compulsive, obsessive, possessive, consuming desire but rather a soothing calmness that I had never experienced before and that I never understood in the moment it was happening until now.
Starting over is another imprint that I feel I will be working on. I have always wanted life to be the way I hoped and dreamed it would be, not the way it was or is. Humm? These imprints and programs are so deeply ingrained in us that we don't even know that we have them. To be able to have or receive what I truly desire, I need to let go of my imprints, programs and beliefs that say that this is the way that love and life are. That I just have to accept it as it is because that’s human nature, and that’s reality. NO! That may be the way it was and is in this moment, but it’s not the way it was suppose to be and it’s not what I want or desire.
This is a long way from being over, but I’ll close for now.
(end of part 4 of - )