B62 - Fear, denial, activation and Insights
(Part 3 of 3)A couple of nights ago, as a result of my writing these posts and re-living the events, so to speak, I gained insights into what actually happened that night. When I first arrived and heard the dog barking at Dave, Irene mentioned that Baal and Brahma were around Dave and that Dave and the evil ones were frightening the dog. It didn't strike me in the moment but as I mentioned in an earlier post, I can usually smell or feel when evil, and especially when those two are around and that wasn't happening. I now realize that it wasn't Dave that they were after but Irene and that was why the dog was barking as it was picking up on Irenes fear that they were after her. And because she was in denial of her fear she was saying that they were after Dave and because the dog was barking at Dave and the evil ones presence it gave her an easy excuse to shift the attention off of her and on to Dave. I just remembered other instances when Baal and Brahma were around and Irene and I would literally gag at the stench when they were close. She'd say to them, lavender please and no sooner said then done. I feel, but don't know that there is more to this, of me not picking up on them.
As the evil ones only seemed to occupy the downstairs except when Dave came upstairs, I asked her why don't you think that they may be after both Dave and Mini. Mini is downstairs right now and both of them sleep downstairs? She stopped and reflected on my question but didn't respond or go into it any further. I realized that my comment made her aware that they weren't after Dave or Mini, but because she was already in denial she choose not to reverse her previous statement as that would expose the lie by now telling the truth. Telling the truth also meant that she would have to deal with whatever issues and activations that would be coming up that she was terrified of, which at this time were unknown to her. Fear of the unknown was enough to keep her in denial and her mouth shut.
I also realized that she was not only using the dog for comfort to relieve the pain, (which I just realized she made a big to do about, again to the focus off of what was really going on) but she was also using the dog for protection. With her ability to see Baal and Brahma and also knowing (hearing and talking to them) that they were there for her, she was already activated into her fears and so to take the focus off of her and the activations that were coming, she sought to protect herself as best she could. One was to shift the focus and she did that when she saw that Baal and Brahma were hanging around Dave and not her, This gave their the false mental protection that they weren't after her, but Dave. The second was a physical form of protection that came with the dog barking at Dave and Baal and Brahma's presence and she felt that the dog was there to protect her from Dave and the evil ones. Also in her twisted mind and with the help of guilt, she decided to return the favour by protecting the dog from Dave by allowing it to jump up on her and sit on her lap where she comforted and cooded over it in an un-natural and phoney manner, now that I reflect on it.
That night when the dog jumped on her and she was screaming in pain and when I took the dog off her, she saw that as me removing her protection. Layer by layer and when it came to the third time, she then saw me as an evil threat attacking and trying to take away what she felt was her only protection from evil. In her mind, she now believed that I was evil, like her father and Baal and Brahma.
But there is more. She also said that I reminded her of her father and that's the real issue and fear that she has been living with in secret all these years. I've known Irene for some eight years and I stayed at Irene and Daves home for a couple of years. Irene and I did a lot of work together so I have a good idea of what she went through as a child, adolescent, young woman, wife and mother and even now, with both parents dead, she is still haunted by their evil presence. Anger and rage terrify her and it was the cruelty of denied anger and rage that inflicted mental, emotional and physical abuse and the greatest fragmentation of her essence. This experience with the dog was her opportunity for healing but it was missed and Baal and Brahma got what they came for... denial of self, and self-hatred disguised as hatred for another.
Hummm. It's interesting to see how all the little nuances and dynamics come into play even though I wasn't aware of it in the moment, when all of this was happening. But of course, if I was aware, then I wouldn't have been in my REAL anger and rage and any anger and rage would have been faked or acted out and she would have felt and known that I wasn't really angry and she wouldn't have been activated as she was. There was no danger, but in order for healing to take place, she had to believe there was so that she could reach that part of her that needed to be healed. In reality, it's not the present Irene that is crying out for help but her lost fragments (essence) that she had to abandon in order to survive. These lost parts of her are crying out to be saved BUT, it is only the present Irene that can save them, and to do that, she has to activated into her terror which caused the fragmentation in the first place. This form of healing was as loving as it could be but it didn't trigger a healing intent within Irene. Now, other situations will be experienced and each more terrifying that the last. If she doesn't break this denial cycle, death will be the only option as healing and live are not being sought.
When we are activated into our fears, we are triggered into one of three options, fight, flight or Give up/compromise. It's in this moment and ONLY in this moment, before we make a DENIAL choice, that we are given a fourth choice that we have never considered, that being surrendering to love, self-love. How do I know all this? Through personal experience. If you are interested in learning more, you can read one of my personal experiences dealing with my terror of knives and how I healed it. You can find it at the following link...A Level of Healing
PS: '06 Sept 13 10:23p.m. I was reading my journal for my next blog post and I don't know how I missed this and it had completely skipped my mind, but I now see that this was also a catalyst for what was to come on Friday night. On Wednesday afternoon, Irene and I were sitting on the deck and she was complaining about her sore knee and how the dog was helping it with its weight and body warmth. I asked her if she wanted to find out what was causing the pain and she agreed to do a meditation journey. As previously mentioned I stayed with Irene and Dave a couple of years and we did this sort of thing a lot.
I took her into an inner journey and it turned out that the pain in her knee was the result of a severe beating she took from her parents before she started school. After the beating, she never talked for five years. She went to school, but the teachers thought that while she was bright, she was also deaf and dumb and her parents and family (older brothers and sisters also going to school) never said otherwise. I could feel her anger and rage building and she began to express it, but when she realized what she was doing, she shut herself down and a few minutes later she went to lay down for a rest. We never did any more inner work after that.
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