B99 - Can’t relax… have to keep moving…Why?

’06 Oct 04 12:01 p.m. Marian can’t relax. When she was sick and in pain with her back she was mentally and emotionally on the go and since she didn’t want to “feel” her emotions, she felt all the worse as she also blamed her emotions for how and what she was feeling. Her so-called doctors would increase her prescription dosage or change it to get her emotions subdued and numb so that she wouldn’t feel them and would feel relaxed. This also affected her body, which would be in more pain and the cycle was endless as she doesn’t want to feel the pain in her body or her emotions.

Since she had the epidural in her spine, she now has her mobility back as it has numbed the pain in her back so that she can’t feel it, Now that she can’t feel the pain in her body anymore, she pushes her body to the point of exhaustion, rests a few minuets and then is on the go again until she is exhausted, and again, takes a couple of minutes rest and she just keep repeating the pattern of physical abuse.

There is no love here for either her body or her emotions. I tried talking with her about her pushing herself and she would just say, “yea I know, or I wasn’t pushing myself, or I was resting, or did rest.” When I’d ask her how long she did things and how long she rested, i.e., fifteen minutes of doing things and fifteen minutes or one hour of rest, she said I can’t do that because as soon as I feel OK, I have to keep moving and get the job done. She also reminds me of Jen and Irene.

*** As I’m typing this it also reminds me of Dale, the born again Christian landlady in Moncton and also of Darryl, who is now in China… actually a lot of people… including myself… but more so…. the old me, what I used to be like.

As I typed the title for this post I was thinking of the so-called medical syndromes of ADD and ADHD and how the kids have to move and rock, as they can’t express the emotions they are feeling and so they have to do something … or they feel they will explode and just go nuts if all they can do is think and feel all the denied energy that they are holding inside them, and with no means of letting it out, all they can do is blow off steam...

Instead of helping these traumatized kids heal their emotions…. the “good” doctors whose job it is to “practice” on others…. prescribe legalized drugs such as … Ritalin, Adderall (banned in Canada) and Concerta to dull and numb, not only the emotions but also the mind and body.***