A few days ago I had another realization and insight that I want to share. I’m presently rooming with a woman and her daughter. The woman is a born again Christian who has said that she is open to new ideas. She has asked me questions and I have shared openly, and we have agreed to disagree, however, I felt that no matter what I shared it didn’t matter. If what I said fit her agenda, her beliefs according to the word of God (the bible) then it wasn’t acceptable. There were times when we’d get into religion and I showed her direct contradictions in the bible. She would say “interesting” and that would be the end of it, door closed, but the bible and her original beliefs would remain. Other times she would quote some biblical passage and I’d comment that if that’s unconditional love and the truth as you say it is, then why you are not walking your talk? Do it! Why do you say one thing yet do another? Why do you ask me or your daughter to do what you yourself do not do? She’d always have some excuse like she is only human, we’re here to suffer like Jesus, it’s not her Will but God’s Will be done, God works in mysterious ways, we’re all sinners and come short of the glory of God, that I need to accept Jesus as my savior, that I need to be filled with the Holy Ghost, the list goes on and on. I became frustrated with her hypocrisy.
I awoke around 1:00 a.m. with the realization and insight that it wasn’t her that was the hypocrite… but me! I was doing the exact same thing she was. I wasn’t walking my talk. While I’ve experienced and am aware of the flaws in organized religion that are based in conditional love, I also have awareness and experiences with unconditional love. Unconditional love is what I feel inside me, what I desire, what I want to live and experience and is what I am. But, and this is where my hierocracy comes in, I wasn’t walking my talk, I wasn’t being unconditional and “real,” I was still “trying” to be nice, kind, considerate, understanding and all the other “phony” beliefs that are part of conditional love. Although I know the difference between the two, I was still trying to get her to understand what I feel and believe unconditional love is, trying to quietly convert her like she was trying to do to me. It wasn’t about her Christian beliefs or any other religion; it’s about ME walking my talk, about me being “real” and practicing unconditional love instead of just mouthing it.
This is a good example of how others “mirror” or show us our issues that we think are their problems and issues and not ours. That it’s not what they are doing that is important, but what you are not doing. Having realized that it was then time to walk my talk and I did so the next morning as I thanked her and shared my insights. As the morning went on I got see, feel and express the things that I had ignored and denied before. Needless to say our conversations since then have been basic. She had mentioned a couple of times that she has to watch her words with me and I feel that she is withdrawing as she’s not comfortable being challenged and not in control.
It’s interesting that since my first awakening experience to unconditional love, many of my realizations had to do with me being the hypocrite but this realization is also at a different level. I say different level (scratching my head, a sign of anxiousness, stress and fear) as this involves how I interact with people on a daily basis. It’s hard to explain but I feel that I can’t be “real,” be me if I indulge in what I’ve been calling “shit chat.” While I’ve been calling it when I see it, I also haven’t walked my talk. There is often a lot going on that I’m aware of during these “shit chat” conversations that I didn’t get into to, including getting into a conversation in the first place. Most times it’s not me that initiates the conversation but I get drawn in and before I realize it I’m caught up and going on my old imprints, programs and beliefs. And beyond that, knowing what I know, I’m also trying to help others in the same way I was doing as I explained in the previous paragraph.
People can’t see tree for the forest. I’ve seen the forest (conditional love), been there done that, and I’ve also seen the tree (unconditional love). I’m a tree, and for people to see me I have to stand out from the forest to be noticed. Once they notice me, that there is a difference between the tree and the forest, that’s when they’ll begin their journey and it has nothing to do with me saving or helping them other than by me being “real.”
It’s interesting that all my life I’ve felt like I’m in two different worlds. I’ve tried to survive by tip-toeing my way around this world of conditional love full of denial and guilt and now it’s time to be real again. My fear is that if I’m real, if I am who I am, if I speak my truth, then I’ll be attacked or that people will withdraw and have nothing to do with me. This is nothing new as it’s bringing up past lives around these same issues of speaking my truth. Humm…. I just heard a soft voice say, “and the truth shall set you free.” Well, like the saying, you never know unless you try and unless you try, you’ll never know, here goes a leap of faith. I’ll let you know how things develop.
NOTE: In typing this piece I just realized that this also has to do with guilt. I know that every time I don’t allow, or deny my spontaneous expression, that it indicates a lack of self acceptance of who and how I am, and on how I express myself. As long as I have guilt, it stops me from being who I am and I’m actually giving my power and essence to those that I lack spontaneous expression with. When I express myself, guilt moves out and unconditional love moves in and I not only reclaim my power, but I’m free from being controlled by guilt and others who are feeding off me. Guilt was also involved in my trying to save others as I should not be better than or have anything others don’t have; I have to give to receive and all the rest of that BS (Belief System). Hey, it’s been a great day!!! Another “bonus” for expressing myself and being real.
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