B20 - Fear of Power

B510-10 Fear of Power

After posting 510-09 “Being a Hypercritic,” I was leaving the mall where I had been doing my WiFi (wireless internet) and I realized that this also has to do with my issues of having power. Having this feeling of power is a weird or rather foreign feeling as powerless is what I’m used to feeling. It’s not a power over someone or something, but a more of a feeling of an internal power, of being alive and being who you are. It’s not that I’m going to go out and overpower others, but rather that I will no longer choose to allow others to overpower me or rather, for me to over power myself.

Guilt and shame is also involved, as I feel guilt telling me that it’s wrong to have power, that you’ll misuse it. Now I feel it attacking my emotions saying that you can’t just express what you feel willy nilly, you have to have control, there are rules, morality and the right way of doing things. I’m thinking to myself, yea bring it on, and keep yakking away, let me hear everything you have to say. Now I hear it saying, there, that’s it, see, now you’re getting cocky, smug, a fucking know it all. You’re going to blow it for all of us. You’ve never had real power and you don’t know how to handle it. I heard the word “her” and then I felt a shift and the word “it” was repeated over and over as if trying to erase what was said. “Her” is the right word as the Will has and is the power, but until now she has been repressed and denied. Free Will, that’s what this New World and New Era is all about.

Humm, now it’s shut up… nada, not a word… and that’s OK as my intent is to move guilt and unloving light out of and off of me and to allow unconditional love to fill the space that guilt and unloving light have occupied. Now I feel like it’s back there with unloving light re-grouping whatever forces they have left for another attack.

I’ve been having back pains off and on these past two weeks and now they are back again this time more in the lower back and up between the shoulder blades over my heart. I feel that it also has to do with allowing my emotions expression and in recognizing and moving guilt out of me. I feel the pain in my back has to do with healing my chakras and the issues that are “moving” there or that want to move.

Humm, It’s interesting that with this feeling of power I’m also noticing a feeling of fearlessness. That whatever comes up is OK, that…(pause) I feel I was blocked there for a moment as my mind went blank. What I was feeling is almost gone but it was like no matter what, I’m going to be OK although I might not feel like that in the moment I’m threatened or attacked, but when I allow myself to be me and to express myself, then I’ll be empowered and will have nothing to fear. By threatened I mean feeling the presence of unloving light. This feeling of power is not like anything I’ve felt before, not like a feeling of power that comes from an accomplishment or winning. It’s not about that kind of power. Also at this moment I have a renewed jest for life and for my writing. Humm, I think the word is passion.

JR