B69 - About Jen

’06 Aug 27 Sunday… I was thinking of Jen and that she’s not like the old Jen I knew, but yet she is, in a physical sense she is. What I mean is, that she doesn’t seem to be coming form the same place she once did with the same desire and passion she once had. It’s like she’s either lost something or given up on something, maybe herself.

>>> I feel that I need to give you a little background before I get into the next part of my journey as you are probably thinking who in the hell is Jen. I met Jen in 1997 by dialing a wrong phone number. We instantly hit it off and were soon talking for hours on the phone. We learned to do all of the tools that I presently use and she was the one that triggered many of levels of healing in me, including the one I previously shared a link to, regarding my terror of knives. She was also instrumental in my awakening in 2000.

She was 27 when I met her and ever since she was 14, she had been diagnosed with chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, environmental sensitivities and the list goes on. She was basically house bound, on disability, living alone, and at times unable to look after herself other than her very basic needs. A couple of years ago she met Cory who has helped her a lot but she is still in her self-sacrifice, denial and guilt mode (my observation... she says judgment) by over-extending herself when she has energy and even when she doesn't, just so that she will not disappoint others and then she needs to spend days in bed recouping until the next episode. OK, enough said as I feel that sets the stage so to speak for what comes next. <<<

Hummm? So getting back to what’s changed about her. While she’s involved in reading different books and in all these different experiences that she says are healing and growth, I don’t feel that she has really grown or healed. I do feel that these experiences can be opportunities for healing and growth but that she is missing their real value by still being nice and kind as abuses herself for others and also for a false sense of pride. In that if she is sick, she doesn’t want others to feel sorry for her so she pretends that she is OK and does it anyway until she can’t physically pretend anymore. She will then negate her denials by say that she was having too much fun and that she just over did it. When I’d challenge her on that she’d get defensive and say that she knew what she was doing but that she also knew she would have a few days to rest up…. so it was OK.. I’d reply that there was no love or fun in denying and causing your body to be in intentional pain. From there we just seemed to go around in circles…