B103 - Dream and reality... being in hell

'06 Oct 08 Sunday 3:27 a.m. Another dream.

I awoke and wrote what I was feeling about the dream before I started writing about the dream itself. I wrote: if it's your idea and your effort, don't give others the benefit of the doubt or trust them when you have suspicions. Don't try to keep it going if it's not going to work out of some false sense of pride, guilt or shame.

I then began writing about the dream, that I had a business with Marian and a partner and sales were down a bit, the company was starting to be in trouble. I couldn't understand what was happening and I was looking for ways to economize and keep it going until we figure out what was going on. Little did I know that Marian and my partner were selling if off bit by bit from under me, making it impossible to keep going.

Hummmm, I stopped, this dream feels similar to what happened in real life and how my ex-partner, Herb and his wife Ruth were stealing thousands of dollars from the company while pretending to be concerned for the company and making it look like they were supporting and helping me but all the while they were only in it to get more out.

I trusted them and I also trusted Marian who was working in the office with Ruth and was doing the accounts payable while Ruth did Accounts receivable. Herb was out on sales and I was making sure that the work was getting done and that the orders were getting out as well as overseeing the entire Company as president. I knew mentally what was going out and coming in and how much our employers were being paid, so I had a pretty good feel for the status of the company and that while it wasn't "great" it was, in my mind, making money but according to Ruth, Herb and Marian, it wasn't and one of the reasons was because accounts receivables were slow in coming in.

There was now this sudden panic by Marian to pay the bills and the employees, and the money was needed yesterday. We were in the process of setting up a line of credit with the bank but were also waiting on Ruth to provide the financial statements that the bank needed but she was dragging her feet so the bank was no help now. I decided to float the company a personal short term loan as Marian and I had extra money. I trusted that Marian was on top of the situation and that the loan would be re-paid in a few weeks as I also had been told by my partners that they had called the accounts regarding the cheques and that they were in the mail. My signature was also required on all cheques so I knew where the money was going, but at the same time, didn't know where it was going and how...if you follow me.

I had challenged them before and was told that I wasn't an accountant or doing the books and that I didn't know what I was talking about. In anger, I asked them if they were stealing from the company and that only made things worse. I was accused of wrongly accusing someone that only cared for my and the companies best interest and that I broke their hearts that I would say such a thing. That I didn't trust anyone and that I was acting as lord and master. Trouble was, I smelt a rat and felt something was fishy but instead of calling everyones hand and the game, I denied and gave them the benefit of the doubt again. I also had several arguments with Marian asking her what was going on and where was the money going and to have a look at the accounts receivable like I had asked. She'd scream back they were Ok, but I knew they weren't.

It turned out that I knew exactly what was going on as after a couple more weeks of increased sales and lies and deceit, we were now worse off than before. Finally I had out and they said that if I wasn't happy with them, that I could buy their share of the company for what it was originally worth and not for what it was worth now on the financial statements that she had prepared. Marian sided with them and I was frustrated to no end.

In all the ruckus on that Friday afternoon, I noticed that Ruth had left without taking the accounting legers and banking bag with her as she was always adamant about leaving any money and cheques in the building in case they were stolen and she would always take them home for safe keeping. I picked them up and took them home and after supper I started to go though the accounts receivable books and all the sales invoices, paid and outstanding. To my surprise, I found two account receivable legers, and that she was having some of the accounts receivables diverted to their old company so the account was paid, but not to our company or our bank account. Now I had proof of what was going on. Early Saturday morning I got the locks changed and when they tried to come in on Saturday to pick up the ledgers, they were furious that they were locked out and were going to sue me for everything that I had.

Marian went into a deeper depression and was of no help, in fact still accused me of being wrong in that I wasn't an accountant like Ruth, and while that was true, I knew how to do books as I had set up an run a company before, so I was no dim-wit. Yet at the same time she was also saying, "I told you so, you should never have gone in with Ruth and herb... I knew what they were like." I was in hell!!!! And actually that was when my old world began to fall apart...


4:11 a.m. I denied myself and my intuition as I felt that I was responsible for other peeoples happiness as I was the major share holder, I had the money, I was younger, healthier and stronger. It was I that was trying to build.... what? something, a company, a little world, an empire that would provide for my family and friends, even if it was on a small scale.

I had a company before this one with twenty three employess before I sold it and there again, I trusted others and did what was best for others but not for me and in the end, I also got shafted and the dream was destroyed. I was trying to re-build that dream and I was still doing the same things so why would it be any different this time.

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