B62 - Fear, denial, activation and Insights

(Part 3 of 3)A couple of nights ago, as a result of my writing these posts and re-living the events, so to speak, I gained insights into what actually happened that night. When I first arrived and heard the dog barking at Dave, Irene mentioned that Baal and Brahma were around Dave and that Dave and the evil ones were frightening the dog. It didn't strike me in the moment but as I mentioned in an earlier post, I can usually smell or feel when evil, and especially when those two are around and that wasn't happening. I now realize that it wasn't Dave that they were after but Irene and that was why the dog was barking as it was picking up on Irenes fear that they were after her. And because she was in denial of her fear she was saying that they were after Dave and because the dog was barking at Dave and the evil ones presence it gave her an easy excuse to shift the attention off of her and on to Dave. I just remembered other instances when Baal and Brahma were around and Irene and I would literally gag at the stench when they were close. She'd say to them, lavender please and no sooner said then done. I feel, but don't know that there is more to this, of me not picking up on them.

As the evil ones only seemed to occupy the downstairs except when Dave came upstairs, I asked her why don't you think that they may be after both Dave and Mini. Mini is downstairs right now and both of them sleep downstairs? She stopped and reflected on my question but didn't respond or go into it any further. I realized that my comment made her aware that they weren't after Dave or Mini, but because she was already in denial she choose not to reverse her previous statement as that would expose the lie by now telling the truth. Telling the truth also meant that she would have to deal with whatever issues and activations that would be coming up that she was terrified of, which at this time were unknown to her. Fear of the unknown was enough to keep her in denial and her mouth shut.

I also realized that she was not only using the dog for comfort to relieve the pain, (which I just realized she made a big to do about, again to the focus off of what was really going on) but she was also using the dog for protection. With her ability to see Baal and Brahma and also knowing (hearing and talking to them) that they were there for her, she was already activated into her fears and so to take the focus off of her and the activations that were coming, she sought to protect herself as best she could. One was to shift the focus and she did that when she saw that Baal and Brahma were hanging around Dave and not her, This gave their the false mental protection that they weren't after her, but Dave. The second was a physical form of protection that came with the dog barking at Dave and Baal and Brahma's presence and she felt that the dog was there to protect her from Dave and the evil ones. Also in her twisted mind and with the help of guilt, she decided to return the favour by protecting the dog from Dave by allowing it to jump up on her and sit on her lap where she comforted and cooded over it in an un-natural and phoney manner, now that I reflect on it.

That night when the dog jumped on her and she was screaming in pain and when I took the dog off her, she saw that as me removing her protection. Layer by layer and when it came to the third time, she then saw me as an evil threat attacking and trying to take away what she felt was her only protection from evil. In her mind, she now believed that I was evil, like her father and Baal and Brahma.

But there is more. She also said that I reminded her of her father and that's the real issue and fear that she has been living with in secret all these years. I've known Irene for some eight years and I stayed at Irene and Daves home for a couple of years. Irene and I did a lot of work together so I have a good idea of what she went through as a child, adolescent, young woman, wife and mother and even now, with both parents dead, she is still haunted by their evil presence. Anger and rage terrify her and it was the cruelty of denied anger and rage that inflicted mental, emotional and physical abuse and the greatest fragmentation of her essence. This experience with the dog was her opportunity for healing but it was missed and Baal and Brahma got what they came for... denial of self, and self-hatred disguised as hatred for another.

Hummm. It's interesting to see how all the little nuances and dynamics come into play even though I wasn't aware of it in the moment, when all of this was happening. But of course, if I was aware, then I wouldn't have been in my REAL anger and rage and any anger and rage would have been faked or acted out and she would have felt and known that I wasn't really angry and she wouldn't have been activated as she was. There was no danger, but in order for healing to take place, she had to believe there was so that she could reach that part of her that needed to be healed. In reality, it's not the present Irene that is crying out for help but her lost fragments (essence) that she had to abandon in order to survive. These lost parts of her are crying out to be saved BUT, it is only the present Irene that can save them, and to do that, she has to activated into her terror which caused the fragmentation in the first place. This form of healing was as loving as it could be but it didn't trigger a healing intent within Irene. Now, other situations will be experienced and each more terrifying that the last. If she doesn't break this denial cycle, death will be the only option as healing and live are not being sought.

When we are activated into our fears, we are triggered into one of three options, fight, flight or Give up/compromise. It's in this moment and ONLY in this moment, before we make a DENIAL choice, that we are given a fourth choice that we have never considered, that being surrendering to love, self-love. How do I know all this? Through personal experience. If you are interested in learning more, you can read one of my personal experiences dealing with my terror of knives and how I healed it. You can find it at the following link...A Level of Healing

JR

PS: '06 Sept 13 10:23p.m. I was reading my journal for my next blog post and I don't know how I missed this and it had completely skipped my mind, but I now see that this was also a catalyst for what was to come on Friday night. On Wednesday afternoon, Irene and I were sitting on the deck and she was complaining about her sore knee and how the dog was helping it with its weight and body warmth. I asked her if she wanted to find out what was causing the pain and she agreed to do a meditation journey. As previously mentioned I stayed with Irene and Dave a couple of years and we did this sort of thing a lot.

I took her into an inner journey and it turned out that the pain in her knee was the result of a severe beating she took from her parents before she started school. After the beating, she never talked for five years. She went to school, but the teachers thought that while she was bright, she was also deaf and dumb and her parents and family (older brothers and sisters also going to school) never said otherwise. I could feel her anger and rage building and she began to express it, but when she realized what she was doing, she shut herself down and a few minutes later she went to lay down for a rest. We never did any more inner work after that.

B61 - Fear, Denial and Activation

(Part 2 of 3)
The story continues as a couple of days later, on the Friday night, Irene and I again had our tea outside on the deck and had returned inside to watch TV before retiring. Dave had come upstairs and the dog again jumped on Irene and although she moaned in pain, she petted the dog and shouted at Dave. Dave finished his business and returned downstairs and the dog jumped down. The cat and Irene dog were upstairs in the kitchen and the dog got spooked and jumped on Irene again. This time she yelled out in pain, and while wrestling to get the dog to move she finally uttering that she can't get the dog off of her and that he was hurting her. I got off my chair and reached over and grabbed the dog by the collar and firmly pulled him off her and to the floor. I had him sit beside my chair.

I didn't notice the dog move away as I was watching TV but the next moment he was jumping up on Irene again and this time she screamed in pain even louder and I could see that she was in agony and again she said that she couldn't get the dog off. Again, I reached over and pulled the dog off of her and had him sit beside my chair. Irene then said that she was really sore and that the dog had really hurt her tonight and that she didn't have the strength to move him as he weighted 30 lbs and was way too much for her in her present condition.

We continued to watch TV and again the dog crept away and this time he maneuvered himself to the right and rear of Irenes chair and he tried to leap on her over her right arm that was causing her the most pain. I saw him clawing his way up her as her right arm dangled beside the chair and this time she SCREAMED in pain as the dog finally made his way onto her chest, shoulder and face. She was screaming, "get him off, get him off" as I reached over and this time I yanked the dog off her and to the floor. I grabbed one of Irenes canes and shook it at the dog and in that moment I wanted to kick the dog but instead I stomped the floor with my left foot and yelled at the dog. The dog looked dumbfounded as I moaned in pain as I thought I might have broken my foot.

Now Irene has a signal for Dave that when she wants him to come upstairs, she stomps her foot on the floor. Dave yelled up "what do you want?" I replied "nothing it was me yelling at the dog" He commented that a ceiling light fixture light in the hallway had fallen and broke and that he was going to clean it up.

In that same moment I looked at the dog and realized that it wasn't the dog's fault that he was jumping up on Irene. I called him over and he came to me and I said thank you for showing me how I was being unloving. I was being protective of Irene because she was crippled and in pain and I blamed the dog for doing what he was allowed to do. I turned to Irene and said to her that you know that the dog listens and isn't afraid as you witnessed it the other night. You choose to allow the dog to continue to jump on you and that is your choice. I said that you are old enough, smart enough and strong enough to look after yourself when it comes to letting the dog jump on you. I'm not going to protect you anymore and I don't blame the dog for doing what you want him to do. The next time he jumps on you, you are going to have to deal with him yourself because I'm not going to interfere with your free Will and choice. At that point I went downstairs and apologized to Dave for breaking the fixture and he said the it was OK, that it was cracked anyway. I went back upstairs and then out the back door to my tent.

I got up after 8:00 a.m (Saturday) and had a couple of cups of coffee with Irene on the deck. She seemed kind of quiet but I didn't press her to find out what was going on as I felt she was in pain. I had already made plans to go to Barrie that day, while Irene and Mini had made plans to go fishing in the afternoon.

It began raining in the afternoon and was still raining when I got back around 7:30p.m. A few minutes later, Irene and Mini also came back from their trip and they made themselves some tea. I was busy organizing my stuff in the tent and then went back to the deck that had an awning that offered protection from the sun and rain. They were already having their tea and Irene was holding the dog on her lap. I felt something was off as we chit chatted a few minutes during which time the dog had jumped off her lap and sat beside me and then tried to jump up on me but I held my arm out to prevent him from doing so. It was during that time that Irene made the comment that I was the evil one. I was confused by that statement as I felt that I had missed something. She continued her conversation with Mini and I interrupted her and asked what she meant by me being the evil one. She turned to me and hissed that I attacked the dog last night.

I was shocked! I asked her what she meant and again she hissed that I was unloving to the dog and I attacked it last night. I said bull shit, the dog jumped on you three times and three times you asked me to take it off you. The third time, Yes I was angry and I wanted to hit the dog but I stomped the floor instead and the ceiling fixture downstairs fell and broke. If you remember, I also apologized to the dog and then told you that you were on your own if the dog jumps on you and hurts you again. The dog is not afraid a me, he sat beside me and he even tried to jump on my lap a few minutes ago, so he's not afraid of me but you are, and you are definitely activated.

Mini interrupted telling me how I should have or could have treated the dog. I bluntly told her that you weren't there, you don't know what the dog did, what Irene said or did, what I did or didn't do, so don't tell me what I should or could have done after the fact. All you are going on is what Irene told you and again, if I attacked the dog, would the dog be sitting beside me and trying to jump in my lap? She dropped her chin as she said no, but in the next breath she began the same speech again. I asked her if she had heard what I said and she replied, it doesn't matter, you attacked my dog. I put my hand up, looked her in the eyes, and said in a tone that left no mis-understanding, "fuck off." She blinked, dropped her jaw and shoulders and slung back in her chair, holding her cup of tea in silence.

Irene hissed at me again saying that I reminded her of her father. I replied, finally the truth, this whole experience, even now, is activating you and is bringing up your denied issues with your father. She denied it and said it wasn't about her dad but about me attacking the poor defenseless dog. I could feel that there was nothing I was going to say that would change her point of view. I told her that I didn't feel welcome here and I asked her if she wanted me to leave. She didn't look at me but said it's up to you. I said it's dark and it's raining and I don't feel like packing up and pulling down my tent down tonight and that I'd leave in the morning. I asked if I could have a shower and she said suit yourself. I already had my towel and toiletries so I had a shower and retired to my tent and my thoughts and my feelings.

A few years ago Irene had a similar experience with another mutual friend Jen, when she struck her fist on the Van's dashboard as Irene was driving. That experience shocked Irene into calling Jen evil and of reminding her of her mother and she didn't talk to Jen for a couple of years. Now I guess it's my turn to activate her with her father and violence.

It rained all night and was still raining, what I call a soaker, not hard but steady. I packed up my stuff inside the tent and I could hear Irene and Mini having the usual coffee and tea on the deck around 8:30 a.m. I waited inside my tent until the rain stopped which was 11:00 a.m. and by 11:11 a.m. I was driving down the road. I never went in to say "good" bye as I felt, what's the point. If Irene had changed her mind she could have called out to me from the deck that she wanted to talk. I drove into town and had breakfast.

JR
(2 of 3)

B60 - Fear and denial

(Part 1 of 3)
I camped out in the Parry Sound area of Ontario for three days amongst the stars, bears, moose, deer and other animals. I then called my friend Irene and made arrangements to camp out in her back yard for a few days. Normally I would have stayed in the spare bedroom but she had another lady friend (Mini) that was staying with her and I really didn't want to sleep in the family room and bother and be bothered by Irenes husband Dave who worked split shifts and likes to watch TV in the middle of the night.

Irenes friend Mini, has a Dog, a black 30lb mini standard poodle and a large 24 lb cat. and Irene has a mini boxer. The reason I'm mentioning this is that they come into play a little later in my story. Amonmg other things, Irene has Lupus and is in a wheelchair but she also gets about with the aid of two canes when she is not in the chair. The last time I visited her she had her dog on her lap to comfort her sore knee and legs but since Mini was up she has switched to the poodle for comfort and to also comfort the dog.

I asked why and she explained that the poodle was afraid of Dave and of the energies around him and that she felt the dogs fear and that was why she was comforting it and allowing it to jump up on her lap. I could see that the dog was spooked by Daves presence, but she never did anything to try to bring the two together and she only yelled at Dave blaming him for the dogs barking and actions. The first night I was there, Dave was almost in tears trying to explain that he never did anything to the dog and I could feel his heartbreak at being blamed for something he didn't do. The dog was also spooked at any little noise, even the cat and Irenes dog. At times I felt the dog was using this so-called fear as a means to get undivided attention as Mini would swat the cat and scold Irenes dog, but not say a word to her poodle except to comfort it every time it barked and Irene basically did the same except swat the cat.

A couple of days later we were out on the deck having an evening cup of tea and the dog was activated by Dave coming up the stairs and it jumped up on Irenes lap for safety. As it did, it hurt Irene and she pushed the dog off. It came to me and tried to jump up on me but as I had a cup of tea in my hand, I put my knee up and it hit it's jaw on my knee and stopped. Irene mentioned that she didn't want the dog on her as she was in pain and I told her to put her knee up like I did when the dog comes back to jump up on her. A moment later the dog tried to jump on her lap and she did what I told her and the dog stopped. It looked at me and at Irene and then lay down on the deck and was quiet for the rest of the time we were on the deck even though there were noises. I could see that the dog was aware of them, but he wasn't jumping onto anyones lap. I was even able to get the dog to sit and lay down beside me. Irene commented that she was amazed at how the dog responded to me and that how it seemed not to be afraid. I replied that I felt that the dog was using fear to get attention.

After our tea, we went inside and watched a bit of TV before going to bed. NO sooner had Irene got herself settled into her chair than the dog jumped up on her and although she winced and cried in pain she not only allowed it to stay, but she also cuddled it and apologized for not letting it up on her when she was outside. I looked at her in disbelief and she said that I just didn't understand that the dog has fear. I didn't reply as I thought want's the point.

JR
(end of Part 1 of 3)

PS: One thing I forgot to mention was that Irene said that the dog was afraid of Dave because there were a couple of evil entities, Baal and Brahma, that were following Dave and scaring the dog. Irene can "see" ghosts and spirits, and animals are also aware of them and of loving and unloving energy. With all that I had just experienced in the Maritimes, I didn't know what was going on. What also confused me was that I couldn't smell or feel them like I normally do.

B59 - Another Reality

There's a lot more that I could write about my experiences in the Maritimes but the last post brings to mind, the synchronicity of my issues with body and sex and then to have all this unloving sex stuff going on around me...

It was interesting to say the least to see the dynamics and inter-actions of the man who I was renting the room from and his wife. At one point we were talking about women and sex and he said that sex is great as long as you don't let your emotions get in the way. I laughed and replied that I was just the opposite, that sex isn't anything without emotions and that I can't imagine not having any emotions or feelings when having sex.

He also confided in me that he was also getting a little on the side and was telling me that he was going to call it quits with her because she was getting way to personal and wanted to know his first name. A while later, his wife was over and accused him of having an affair but he denied it and got on her case for falsely accusing him and not trusting him. He later told me he didn't lie to her as he wasn't having an affair, he was just having sex. Then there is another twist, here his wife is jealous of him playing around but she works in a business that caters to lies and deceit and husbands cheating on their wives. In her twisted mentality it's OK if husbands cheat on their wives just as long as it's not her husband... Dah!

The women who were on "call" were also interesting. All the working girls were from 20 to early 30's. I overheard him talking to one girl that just had a baby and she was telling him that she would be ready to go back to work in a week. Another had arranged to have him call and ask her to baby sit for him when there was a call for her because she didn't want her boyfriend to find out what she was doing. She'd change into her work cloths while en route to the call and then back again on the way home. A couple of the other girls were alcoholics or on drugs as that was the only way they could handle doing what they were called to do. And of course, any new girls that wanted in, were tried out.

The girls were also asked, no, they were told what to wear and how to act and what to do. If a US government official wanted two nice girls, he got two nice girls. If three guys wanted one girl, they got it unbeknown to the girl that blindly thought she was doing one trick. The girls were on call at all hours for one and all be it a BJ for a trucker in a parking lot or overnight stint for a business executive in a five star hotel.

There was no love present and all the sex was power and rage sex in the state of denial. it was just heartless fucking... plain... but not so simple. I still haven't integrated all that happened and I don't really understand it ...yet.. but I will.

JR

B58 - Catching up on the Maritimes

Hey I'm back,

I'm amazed that a month has gone by, it seems like only yesterday. There's a lot that went on that I didn't or couldn't write about at the time and the last couple of months have both been interesting and an eye opening experience to say the least. I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I moved out of the "born again" bible thumpers home, but it just so happened that I was headed to the opposite end of the spectrum. So where did I end up? Well let me tell you.

This place was quiet, clean and comfortable, and the guy was very nice and sociable with me and we had some good talks although he was on the opposite side when it came to feelings and emotions. He lived with his son and I was the only other non-family person in the house. He worked at a delivery job from 8 a.m. to noon and in the afternoon, when he wasn't doing something around the house, he was sleeping as he'd go out and do other things at all hours of the evening. He and his wife owned a couple of rooming houses, so I thought that that was where he was going. What I didn't know in the beginning was that his wife, ex-wife (that he fought with tooth and nail, but couldn't live without) lived with her son and daughter (from a pervious marriage) in an apartment at a brothel where she was the manager. I later put two and two together, that he was also involved in "the" business at night as a driver and pimp. Now you can see what I meant by being at the opposite end of the righteous bible thumper as I was living in the so-called den of iniquity itself.


The guy (in his 70's) that owns the house of ill repute in MOncton, also owns one in Dartmouth NS and both had been raided several times by the police and had been shut down but they were still being operated on the QT. There was a lot of shit going on between the owner, the police, politicians, lawyers, religious organizations that was in the newspaper and on TV. There was also a lot of other shit that wasn't public knowledge that was and is scary. There was also some serious shit going on between the owner, the wife (aka manager), the girls and the guy I was renting a room from.

During the last few weeks there had been the rank smell of evil in the house. Both he and I could smell them and he asked me what it was. I told him that it was evil, that Baal and Brahma were here for him and that he was at a cross roads and that they wanted him to make the choice that suited them. The smell would drive him crazy as it followed him around. One time it would be in the middle of the kitchen then move to the front door, then the bathroom, etc to the point that he was freaking out and he even had goose bumps when he walked though their energy. A week or so before the end of July, his morning job was terminated and I then knew that this was part of the turning point in his life. His "wife" who I had some words with on a few occasions, and who didn't like me, began staying over more and more.

A few days into the month of August, the smells stopped and I noticed and felt a change in him. He had crossed over and they had gotten what they wanted so there was no point in them hanging around. I gave my notice that I was going to move out at the end of August, but things began to speed up and I felt unsafe so I moved out on Monday, August 21st.

I spend three days camping out in New Brunswick and then I began to feel unsafe with the natural environment as I felt that nature was going to be creating havoc with storms and hurricanes in the area as well as the devestation created by a Tsunami created by an earthquate in the mid-atlantic that would affect the entire East coast of North America and the north coast of South America and Europe and Africa as well. I felt that I needed to head for safe ground and that was in Ontario.

John

B57 - On the move again!

Hi

Well, as the title suggests, I'm on the road again. There has been a lot happening that I haven't written about and I will try to catch up as soon as I can. I'm planning to leave by the end of the month and I'm heading back to Ontario. I'm going to be hanging my hat at my ex-wifes place until I get an idea of where I'll be landing for the winter. I feel I still have some "unfinished busisness" with her, so it should be interesting... More to come.

JR

B56 - 6033 Words on Hate and its effects

I have created another blog dealing with the US/Israel and Lebanon war. You can find it at the following link.

Israel - History repeating itself - with a twist







Israel



Hate and the effects of Hate

Lebanon















Can anyone see how history is repeating itself but with an ironic twist?
Check out these sites....

Holocaust Encyclopedia
Genocide
ANTISEMITISM
Jewish Resistance to German oppression
JEWISH UPRISINGS IN GHETTOS AND CAMPS, 1941-1944

B55 - The Dictator within me

'06 June 24 11:oo a.m. Saturday

I'd been working all week and when I got home last night I was exhausted, sore and beat. I was tired and sore all week, but I just kept adding to it as the week went on. I feel that it wasn't just the physical work, but also the medication I was on that drained me. I was ready to go to bed by 7:00 p.m. but I struggled and forced myself to stay awake as long as I could as I wanted to make sure that I didn't wake up at 3:00 a.m. and then not be able to get back to sleep.

On Wednesday, I was awake until midnight, coughing and wheezing as earlier in the week I had been installing insulation and a couple of days later I was sanding drywall. I breathed in both the fiberglass insulation and the drywall dust and that night I could feel my body trying to reject and expel it from my lungs.

I thought back to other times in my life when I denied my body and forced it to be in dangerous and harmful situations. Just because I (My Mind) couldn't see the immediate physical affects it was having on my body, I denied it was having any. "Show me" was my Minds motto. Because my Mind was in denial and wasn't open and willing to look inside my body to see if what it was saying was actually happening and true, my body had to not only endure the abuse, but also had to present physical external evidence, "proof" that what it was saying was true. And even when it did, my mind belittled the problem my body was having.

As I was writing this post I thought of how my mind is very much like an out of control, (but totally in control) dictator and a picture of Hitler flashed before me. I went on the Net and got this picture of Hitler and that's why it's on this post.

JR

B54 - Feeling pain - Pain Killers

'06 June 23

Recently, I had made a few calls to some local Reno companies and I got a call and started work on Monday July 19. It's been hot work and I not used to the physical labor of hauling 4'x 8' sheets of 1/2" drywall up three flights of stairs.

I've also been taking my medication and I can feel it starting to work the past few days and as my "lower" body is no longer in the acute pain it once was. But right now my kidneys are starting to hurt, not just hurt, they're in pain... Hurting is feeling pain, and feeling is good, is alive.... Numb is not feeling pain, numb has no feeling, feeling is no thing.

Humm? It's interesting how we ignorantly believe that when we don't feel pain, that things are fine, but in reality, we have just lost consciousness with the parts of our selves that are in pain. In taking pain killers, this loss of consciousness has been a deliberate choice, with unloving intent towards our bodies not to feel what it is feeling. There seems to be no end to our hatred for our body and its feeling of pain.


Speaking of body, I abused mine today. I stated earlier that I had started a part time job and we were renovating the third floor attic of a rooming house and converting it into another bedroom. By mid-morning we were ready to start to insulate the walls and ceiling We didn't look for the dust masks until we needed then only to discover that they had been misplaced.The boss went out to get some and we continued to install the insulation with no masks. We were almost done installing the vapor barrier by the time he returned with the masks. I knew that fiber-glass insulation dust was not good as I tried to move slowly when using it so as not to create too much dust, but the dust (tiny particles of glass) couldn't be avoided in this cramped and poorly ventilated space. I don't feel it in my lungs yet, but I know I will.

JR

B53 - Hating my Teeth and Eyes

06 June 18 5:10 p.m.

I was using some dental floss to get some popcorn out from between my teeth and I noticed a dark spot on my gum beside a molar. I never noticed it before and now I have fear that my teeth are going to give me trouble as sometimes I have a feeling of a slight tooth ache in this area. I don't feel that it can be repaired as it already has two fillings and I got the message that a root canal and crown wouldn't work. I guess I could go without this molar, but I already have one missing between it and my last one and the last one isn't in that great a shape either. I feel heartbroken because if I lose these two teeth, I'll only have eight real teeth left on the bottom.

Before I started to write about teeth, I felt how I hated them. As a child my upper teeth were sightly overlapped at the front but my bottom teeth were straight. I hated that the top teeth were crooked as I got teased by the kids at school. Later in grade 7, I had an accident where I fell and broke my eight of my top front teeth. They were not entirely broken out, but broken at the roots, chipped and damaged enough that they couldn't be repaired. I had to live with the pain and the shame, until grade ten when I finally got them and the rest of my upper teeth pulled. As my top molars were not in great shape, the dentist recommeded that I get a full denture instead of a partial. Living with rotting teeth for three years was bad enough, I then had to endure the pain of getting them all pulled at once. I also had to wait six months for my gums to heal before I could get my dentures. I was starting grade ten at the time and this was also the fourth new school in as many years.

I just flashed back to grade five and six and having a tooth ache and having to go to the dentist and how I hated both the pain I was having from my tooth and the pain I was receiving at the hands of the dentist. I hated my teeth for causing me pain.

As I searched for clip art for this post, I came upon this one of a baby. I had forgotten that as babies, were also have pain and hatred for our teeth when we are cutting them . Then a few years later, we again have pain and more hatred, when we lose our baby teeth and get our adult teeth.

5:29 p.m. I also realized that I hate my eyes. As a child, I didn't want to see the evil and unlovingness I was seeing around me. I didn't like the visions I was seeing of me getting abused and I blamed my physical eyes for that. I felt that if I didn't see what was going to happen, then it wouldn't happen, but that never worked. I couldn't stop my inner seeing so I pretended that I couldn't see.

(As I'm writing this post I'm realizing that it was during this time that I was also beginning to lose my clairvoyant ability. Again, I hated seeing visions, so I pushed my seeing ability away.)

Unable to get help to stop the abuse at school, I pretended to have problems seeing so that I would be moved up to the front of the class so that I would get away from the bullies. I also thought that if I wore glasses, that the bullies wouldn't pick on me. Problem was that when I got the glasses, I couldn't see the blackboard as I had perfect vision and now it was blurred by the glasses. I was forced to wear them until the bullies finally broke them as they would take them off me and beat me up anyway. Later on in my teens I developed astigmatism and then I really needed glasses and I've had to wear them ever since and now I hate my eyes because I can't see far things far away.

JR

B52 - The Sense of Touch

'06 June 18 1:07 a.m.

I just went to bed and was thinking that only one of our five physical senses, our sense of touch, is the only one that isn't directly associated with our head. While touch encompasses the whole body, it's mainly associated with our hands and fingers. What we fail to realize is that the body and all its myriad parts and functions is what animates form and gives us our life experiences. The MIND can't can't do that on its own as it needs the rest of the body to enable it to have life, yet our MIND thinks that it has control over the the physical body. While the body is dependant on the brain (MIND) to maintain its functions, it is these very same bodily functions that maintain life for the Mind. It's a two way street, yet the MIND treats the body as a slave to do it's bidding, to be at its beck and call and it's the body that's to blame when it can't perform to the minds unloving demands and expectations.

As I was typing this piece, I remembered that when I was exploring the chakras, our seven major energy centres, that our hands and arms are extensions of our heart chakra. Now isn't that interesting when we combine it with the sense of touch? It's our arms and hands that explore the world and it's our sense of physical touch that speaks volumes in our human experience as a touch can be unloving or loving.

Touch also is involved with our sense of being, our I AM presence as it differentiates one from another. Even to experience ourselves, we have to differentiate that a part of us is different and not the same as another part of us. If there was no differentiation, there would be no experience. The mind is unable to experience itself, to know itself, unless it has something else to compare itself to that is not itself. Emotions and the physical body are two such aspects of ourselves, that allow for differentiation and experience.

It's a totally different experience touching yourself or being touched by another as we have no control, but can only respond to the touch of another. The same holds true when touching another, as our sense of feeling "touch" and our feed-back to our mind, is information that is altered and different from what we get when we touch ourselves.

Humm, things are getting interesting, if not in the moment, then a month later when I'm finally typing it up.

JR

B51 - To be good, you have to be bad.

'06 June 14 1:15 p.m. To be good you have to be Bad

Maurice, the guy whose place I'm staying at, made a comment this morning about me writing about him saying that he hoped it was good. I replied that good was relative and what did he mean by good. He said "to be good you have to be bad". I pondered that statement for a moment and then asked him to explain what he meant by that. He said that in order to be good, to succeed at what you're doing in this world that you have to be bad, that you have to lie, cheat and do whatever it takes and you have to be good at it. Because if you're not good at being bad or you tell the truth, you get clobbered. I understood the twisted logic and truth in what he was saying and I looked and him and said, I can't really disagree with you there.

JR

9:15 p.m. Rage and Blame at my Body

Today tried to get a hold of the doctor that treated me a couple of months ago. I got her office number from the drug store and I called her but she was on leave and I couldn't get a refill over the phone and the receptionist suggested that I make another appointment at the clinic to see another doctor. I went to the after six clinic and after a brief discussion I was able to get an appointment. I had to give a urine sample and after it was analyzed I had an exam. The new Doctor gave me the same prescription that I had before for my bacterial infection.

When I was driving home, I though back to her examining me and how I winced in pain when she pressed on a sore part of my right testicle. I thought about my pain and flashed to my rage and blame towards my body, especially my testicles. I had rage and blame at them for getting **** pregnant and also for my experience with ******* Then I flashed to getting a vasectomy, that I didn't want any more children and that I'd have IT fixed so that IT would never cause me problems again.

How unloving was that!!!

No wonder I have issues with my testicles. I hated and blamed them for what I believed they did. My MIND didn't take any responsibility for any of the actions it was making and how it used my body to get what it wanted but when things didn't go as planned, Hey!! It was my body that F%$ked-up, it' to blame. It's your fault! You're the cause of the problem.

Hummm? I can't un-do what has been done, so how can I heal this???

B50 - Born not good enough

'06 June 13 8:12 a.m.

It is my experience that when we are dealing with denied emotions, that the emotions that first surface, that you feel are actually false emotions. That they and the experience that activated them are not the real or the cause or issue, but a reflection of the real cause and issue, that if explored, will lead to the denied emotions and the experiences that caused or created them.

I feel the same is true with our body, but I also feel it's a lot more complicated than that as you're not only dealing with false emotions, but our minds, imprints, programs and beliefs AND also our bodies feelings and it's imprints, programs and beliefs.

This morning, I felt pain and stiffness in my lower back and I also felt a feeling of heartbreak, that I can't do what I used to be able to do. I'm confused as that emotion doesn't appear to have any real relationship with the pain in my lower back or the cause of the pain, only a form of judgment of what my body can or can't do.

'06 June 13 8:23 a.m.

I just had a vision of a baby in a shopping card at a grocery store where the baby and I recognized each other. I thought of how our physical bodies are like tools that we have in order to experience physical reality, but that one condition and imprint that we still have is that we need to be born in order to experience the physical. However, in the process of being born, we lose our true remembering, powers and gifts. We're slowly loose our real selves and become what society says we should be, that who and what we are isn't good enough.

Ahh!!! I can see where that comes from and is leading to. Because what we are as a baby (our body) isn't really good enough. We didn't come into the physical world with enough essence and power to be able to live. We're dependent on other people and things in order to maintain a physical life and we basically have the same imprints, programs and beliefs until we die, because again, our physical body isn't good enough, healthy enough to maintain life. In the process of growing to a point of being physically and mentally able to look after ourselves and experience life, we also fragment and destroy our body with disease and aging to the point where maintaining life in the body is impossible and it's forced to die and try again. What a %#@*!& - up cycle

We're not good enough because we're not whole. We're not whole because we're fragmented. We're fragmented because we have no love or acceptance for the parts of us that have been over-ridden, either by others, and/or by ourselves.

JR.

B49 - Wanting to get out of the pain

June 12

Wow! Time is flying and I have a lot of catch up to do as it's now July 18..

2:19 p.m. It's interesting as I just realized that all morning I've been trying to reach the Doctor that gave me the past prescription a couple of months ago. I even called the drug store hoping I could get a repeat, but I can't. I'm just wanting to get out of the pain so that I can feel and heal whatever is causing he pain... Now isn't that a laugh as the just the opposite is true.

I can vaguely remember telling myself that I'm looking my body by getting help and not being stubborn, that I know I have an infection so why wait. If I had a broken leg I wouldn't wait and just leave it. While there's a truth to that statement I feel that it's a part truth, that something is missing and that what is missing is actually the KEY to healing, real healing of the body. Humm??? But now...what is it?

JR

B48 - Over-Riding (Ourselves and Others)

I drank about 1 ½ liters of tea and water before going to bed. I woke up having to go to the bathroom and I remembered to how I peed my pants on the first day of school and how I hated my body for embarrassing and shaming me.

>>> I have to stop and explain a bit here or you wouldn’t see or feel the significance of that experience. I was born in Saskatchewan, Canada and while my parents, of German decent, were also born in Canada, had gone to school and knew how to read, write and speak English, German was the only language that was spoken at home. We had lived in the small German Catholic community but before I started school, we had moved to a another farm in an English protestant community. So when I started school, I had no way of communicating with anyone in English as German was the only language I knew, and hence my issues. To this day, I still don’t remember where the bathroom was in the school that I attended for six years. Now back to my Journal. <<< onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/5409/1111/1600/Baby1.2.jpg">As a child, we express your bodies wants needs and desires unconditionally, I mean as a newborn. In the hours, days and weeks following our birth we begin to be imprinted and programmed. We are not fed when hungry, not nurtured when we feel unloved and abandoned, nor we are attended to when we are laying in our own wastes, to the point that our body develops rashes and sores. We are not abusing our body, our parents are. Not only are they abusing our body, but they are also over-riding our emotions and stopping us from crying by stuffing a dummy in our mouth so that we don’t cry or to falsely satisfy our want and need for food until such time that they desire to give it to us.

It doesn’t take long for a baby to "get with the program" as it has no choice and it soon adapts to the parents ignorantly unloving demands. And the sad thing is that the older we get, the more we are imprinted and programmed into believing that being unloving to our bodies is not only acceptable but is considered desirable and the normal way of life. Our body has become a slave.

Yuk!
JR
PS: I was just viewing this post and I saw the clipart of my June 09 post, the one with an old man (Father Time). I felt it significant that in this post is the picture of a newborn child and that here are both the beginning and end of what we call "life." I also felt a connection between the imprints, programs and beliefs that we are forced to accept and the failing of our heal and well being.

B47 - Body Issues (Fight, run, give up)

’06 June 26, 2006

Now that I’ve started blogging my issues with Body, I’m going to try to carry on as best I can to show you the processes that I’m going through in healing and understanding my body and its issues. I’m starting to write this more than two weeks after the fact so it will take a bit of time to catch up.

’06 June 10 3:10 am

I think that our body has its own feelings and intuition, separate from, yet linked to our Will and its intuition, feelings and emotions. Our Body also has the five senses that are used to inform the mind with information on what the body is experiencing. It’s interesting that our four of our five senses are closely related to our head and only our sense of touch is experienced throughout our entire body. Although that ‘s the way it presently is, I have a feeling that that’s not how it’s mean to be.

’06 June 11

Well it’s interesting that all this is stuff about Body is coming up as today I feel that my infection is also coming back as I have pains in my kidneys and lower back and my lower pelvic area is also sensitive. I don’t have the pain in my testicles yet, but I feel that it wouldn’t be long off. I can’t get comfortable even the back of my neck is hurting and I’m breaking into a hot sweat.

I feel that it’s my 1^st and 2^nd chakras that are affected. My body is holding “negative” energy that needs to be released. But the negative energy I’m referring to is not what is generally referred negative emotions, but rather “reversed polarity” energy that I’ve turned back on my self and that I’ve taken in, that I’ve forced my Body to hold by being unloving to it.

As I’m lying on my bed, not knowing which way to turn to get relief, I feel I just want to crawl away from the pain and discomfort. There are moments when my legs feel numb and tingling. My sore neck is also giving me a headache and I just want to close my eyes and sleep.

Humm! This is interesting? I just realized that it’s the same old; fight, run, and give up syndrome that I have with my emotions. I don’t want to feel pain or be sick (fight), I want to crawl away when I do (run), or I want to sleep (give up). All these escape mechanisms are the same ones that I used on my emotions when I was denying them. What I did to begin to heal my Will, my intuition, and emotions was to surrender, surrender to Love, to self-love. Humm! But what is it in terms of my healing my body? How do I identify the who, what, where, when and why of what I’m experiencing as pain in my Body. How do I change my imprints, programs and beliefs as far as my body is concerned? Lots of questions, but few answers as yet.

JR

B46 - Judgments on Body (Illness, aging, sexuality)

Hi again,

I was on the phone with my friend Irene this morning and she asked me why I hated being a man and then she also stated that I had judgments on people especially if they were big, sick or old. I was confused by her statement, but I felt and knew that she said it for a reason. Several hours later I got it the implications of it and it's HUGE. I'm now going to post what I wrote in my journal...

After supper I was thinking of what Irene had said and I came to the realization that what I was really judging was BODY, my Body. My judgments on other people, male-female, big- small, healthy-unhealthy, young-old, are not about them or their body but is what I judge against my body; past present and future. All the little nuances, the nit picking likes and dis-likes are all judgments and issues I have against form (Body) If it's not the way I like it or I think others like it, then I judge it as lacking, incomplete and unacceptable and that's self-hatred.

Illness is a major judgment as I don't want my body to to be sick as I don't like the feeling or the fact that it keeps me from doing what I (Mind) want it to. The next major judgment against my body is it ages, as getting old means that I'm not as healthy or as strong as I once was. I'm losing my youth, my vigor. My hair is turning gray, my skin is losing its elasticity and I'm getting wrinkles, my muscles are losing their tone and my joints are sometimes stiff and sore.

An associated judgment is one of sexuality, as the older you are the less desirable you are and the more inadequate and worthless you feel and the more you despise your body for letting you down. Your body is slowing down and you can't do what you once did in your youth and physical pleasures are diminishing although your desires remain unchanged. You make these judgments based on what you see and hear happening to older people around you as you believe that time is fleeting and limited and that death in inevitable.

These judgment are nothing new, it's just that now I'm aware of them in a different light, as self-hatred is exposed for what it really is. All my life I've had some form of hatred toward my Body; not old enough, big enough, strong enough, freckles, pimples, teeth, hair, arms and legs too skinny and on and on the list of self-hatred goes.

Next to hating and controlling our undesired and unwanted emotions we are equally obsessed with hatred toward our bodies. Just think of all the clothes we buy to make us look and feel better by covering us up and putting on a facade, an illusion, so that we can hide what we don't want others to see. The cosmetic industry caters to women's issues of self-hatred for their physical appearance and now the medical community has jumped in and offers the use of cosmetic surgery to alter our physical appearance. Then there are the host of health related products and drugs that are supposed to re-vitalize our body and bring back our health, youth and increase our sex drive. The use of drugs also crosses over to our emotional based self-hatred issues where drugs are used to numb us and to make us feel good. Even exercise and fitness is a form of self-hatred if you really think about it.

And just as big on the other end of the same denial and self-hatred teeter-totter are the people who don't care what they look like, that abuse their bodies physically and sexually, that eat, drink, do drugs, that don't care if they are sick and actually enjoy having an illness or a physical injury although they will deny it. Others eat or don't eat so that they will feel safe knowing that they aren't considered attractive.

Wow! this is BIG! I though my judgments against my Emotions and Feelings were big, but this is just as big. I've been working on healing my Will, (feelings and emotions) for years and now I feel it's time to do the same with my Body. While this appears to be a separate topic or issue, I know that it's not only connected to my feelings and emotions and my mind (imprints, programs and beliefs) and to healing our bodies, but I also feel it has something to do with space and time, but I don't know how... yet!

I stopped writing and called Irene back. Like I said, this is huge and significant in ways I have yet to explore and experience. I'll keep you posted and if you have any comments, I'd like to hear from you.

John

B45 - Dancing (Part 5 of 5) The Dance of Life

Last Saturday was our last Ballroom dance for the summer. During the evening I danced with several woman from my class and there were two distinct moments in different dances that I vividly recall. One was a waltz and we had been struggling with issues of control, technique, floor craft along with personal issues of dancing close with a stranger in public, being in a crowd, standing out for all the wrong reasons, etc, etc. As we danced, we suddenly felt a shift and we both looked at each other and smiled a knowing smile as we felt connected to each other with a feeling that we were dancing on air as we glided around the room. We both felt disappointed that the music stopped as that was an experience we never had before.

It was the next day that I realized that Life is also a Dance. The experience at the Ballroom dance, was of two people being in tune with each other, the male leading and guiding but also open to input from the female as they glided across the floor in unison, as if one being with spontaneous, open and flowing non-verbal communication where there's was no separation, physically, mentally or emotionally. When we can do the same with our Spirit (Male-Mind) and our Soul (Female-Will, intuition and feelings) in our Body, our personal lives will also become a dance, a dance of Love. We will be in the now, the moment and ALL parts of us will be in agreement and enjoying the experience... the dance of Life.

John

B44 - Windows XP - Cursed Cursor

Hi,

Well I'm on a rant this morning.... Maybe it's just me but I'm fucktrated (one of my new words and you're welcome to use it) with the new windows XP... mainly with the way the "dumb" cursor works, or rather, doesn't work. With my old Windows '95 once you clicked on something you had a small hour glass that would rotate, indicating that things were working.... With the new & improved (?) XP, the cursor sits there like a dummy and leaves you wondering as to what in the hell is going on or is not going on? Did I click? Do I need to double click? Is it loading? Is it taking me somewhere else? Is my system frozen? What? What? Talk to me?

So I wait.................and wait..................and nothing happens........ So I click again.... and wait some more and still nothing happens... Impatient I click a few more times.... Still nothing......... All of a sudden 15 windows start popping up.... and they're all copies of the same page, file or program.......... AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Delete... curse &^%$#@ ..... delete *(^&%$#)@..... delete and curse some more &&*^%%##
Fuckstration!!!!!! I feel that the (&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;%&#@%) does help in getting the message through as it then begins to open windows virtually on command or until it feels that it wants to test my patience again.... Why did they do away with something that was useful????

John

Tags; Rant, Fustration, Computer, Cursor,

B43 - Stress Management question

Hi everyone,

I just received and e-mail question from a college student wanting information on stress management. My answer was spontaneous and brief and I feel prompted to share it with you, so here it is.

***********************************

Subject: Stress Management
Question -
Dear Mr. Rieger:

I am a college student in Philadelphia, and I am writing an article on ways to reduce and manage stress for a Feature Writing class I am currently taking.

I'm wondering if you can explain to me a few helpful tips to reduce/manage stress. I'd appreciate any information you can give me; however, I would love to know about any special “best kept secret” tips that are either overlooked, “outside of the box,” or aren't commonly known by the public.

Thank you in advance! Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or would like to discuss these tips.

Sincerely,
123 ABCDEF

***********************************

Answer -
Hey 123,

Ahhhsooo Grasshopper! The best kept secret is simply one word, "DENIAL" and that you will find ... "inside"... the box.

Shenreed


PS: Now doesn't that simple phrase speak volumes.... Embellish on it and you have what you're looking for and more. :)

"Food for thought"
John


For more thoughts on denial.... check out the Message Board

B42 - Podcasting (Blogging in audio)

Hi Again,

I'm sure you've noticed the sleek little "Audio Player" in the side bar and if you've played it you will also sense my frustration in trying to get it working but now that I've "clued in" I'm beginning to see new possibilities for this form of web media.

Beside recording audio messages in an MP3 format that can be emailed or downloaded, Odeo also has podcasting, similar to blogging except that it's in audio. What I'm thinking of doing next is to create audio files that I could not only podcast (Blog) them, but also write a brief with a link that I could post on this Blog or/and on my Message Board. Humm, as I typed that I can also see that I'm going to have to resurrect "Dragon Naturally Speaking" a voice activated program that changes audio to written text, as that will save a lot of typing.

Well I'm off to do some more exploring and experimenting and I'll let you know what I find.

John

Another tool that I feel I'll be using is from Audacity for adding music background and special audio effects on my podcasts.

B41 - Spyware, Viruses, Trojans, Malware, Worms, etc.

Hi again
Recently I've had to do some computer realted problem solving and it's been a learn as you go process. My solutions to "slow downs" and "freezes" has been to purge my internet cookies, files and history and then run "disk cleanup" then "disc defragment" and finally run Registry Mechanic and then re-boot the system. My computer would work fine for a few hours or maybe days and then it would begin do the same thing. I had been careful to scan any files I downloaded so what else was and is going on?

In my ignorance I figured that if I had Norton and PC Spyware doctor that I was safe and protected - WRONG. It's not that they don't work, it's that they don't catch everything that's out there on the Net. So I began to search the net for information and other spyware to help my computer fend off these attacks. After a myriad of searches and reads I decided to download a free program called Spybot - Search & Destroy. I wouldn't go into the details of what happened as you can read that at the following Spybot S&D Forum post "Download with a "Surprise"

I was pleasantly surprised that I got a quick reply from a "real person" so I decided to download the program again and this time it worked. I posted my results and again I got a reply from a real person and I also got links to the real information that I was looking for called The Spyware Warrior that also provides a "List of Rogue/Suspect Anti-Spyware Products & Web Sites" and it was last updated Apr 23 2006. That also linked me up to another site called The Adware Report with tons of information.

I feel that there are a lot of people out there that are ignorant like me when it comes to computers and the internet. What we don't see, hear or know can hurt us or rather our computers. That's why I'm posting this piece, to share some "tools" of knowledge to arm ourselves against the forces that desire to cause harm. This "war" or being attacked is far from over but I'm beginning to separate the truth from the illusion of truth.

Hummm. I find it's interesting that there is this parallelism between the computer being attacked and we "humans" being attacked and in both cases, it's energy that is involved.

Humm, more food for thought.
John

B40 - Sermon, Rant, or the Truth (Take your pick)

Hi again

Well I might call this post " Sunday Sermon" or "Rant" even though it's only Saturday.

I'm again being activated by religion or rather religious BeliefS. Maybe this is all a test to see if I'm going to go back to my old programs and try to be nice and understanding according to their religious point of view, which from personal experience, is a confusing no win situation. Although an email sparked this post, the story line is one I've heard over and over and so I will combine their stories.


This morning I got an email from a person asking for my opinion and advice on depression, but instead of talking about their feelings, the first words they wrote were that they were devoutly religious, "born again" Christian and a follower of the Lord years and that "being saved" was the best thing that has ever happened to them. They then went on to say that they have been through a lot of “mental” changes over the past few years and that they have been having a hard time really caring about anything or anyone anymore and were not sure what has happened to them. They were no longer motivated and were constantly over-eating and depressed; in stark contract to how their life used to be so which was disciplined and controlled. They hope and pray that things will change or they constantly tell themselves that they will change even though they know that they won't. That they are on a merry-go-round and can't seem to get out of the cycle and can't stay motivated and focused long enough change the life that they are experiencing. And then they conclude by saying that they know they are sinners and weak, because they are human but that Jesus died for their sins and that God forgives them because they are saved.

My reply was to the point.
I'm not confused, but I know you are. If you have been a devote follower of the Lord for years as you say you are, and that it's the best thing that ever happened to you, then why are you asking me for help, shouldn't you be talking to your Lord and following his advice or at least the advice of your religious institution.... no matter what.

Secondly, by your asking (ME) for help.... you are also silently insinuating (in denial and not saying it out loud as then you would hear your own judgments) that the lord isn't doing his job right and that his will is not what you want, and that you know how to do his job better than he does, which is actually saying that you want to be God in his place. So make up your mind and either walk your religious "Babble" that you keep saying is so great, or get off the BS box and get real. I'm not going to waste my time (but I still am in writing this e-mail) with religious people who always have a convenient "out" by quoting the bible or by blessing, or praying for my deliverance and denying the real issues when confronted with the truth. The favorite Christian "out" of having to take personal responsibility for their actions and feelings is to wash them away (denial) and be cleansed, by giving them up to the lord. They then deny that they have any of the issues that they brought up and insist that if their suffering is Gods will, then so let it be as their glory will be in Heaven. Yadda, yadda, yadda. And once they’ve blessed you, know that any further conversation you attempt is then considered the work of the devil.

Another area of confusion that comes up during these conversations is the difference between mental and emotions problems. Mental relates to the mind, to thinking and ideas as in (2 + 2 = 4), while emotions, including depression, relates to the way one feels about experiences. But that’s another topic.

Have a nice day, Amen! (And I quietly step off the soap box)

John

PS: This post is related to one I posted earlier on my issues with religion and Being a Hypocrite

B39 - Earth Changes

Earth changes are not only coming, but they are happenig now. Most people and especially governments don't want to face the truth that these changes are upon us. Governments and the Media also deny and supress any major Earth change information claiming that they don't want to create fear and panic and so only report what they can't avoid or can't deny reporting. Global warming is NOT what I'm talking about.

Here is a US Government site that I'm sure will interest you, especially since it contains seismic data from over 80 sites around the world. You can get it at he following link. Live Internet Seismic Server
Once there, click on "go directly to data" or click on this link Seismic Data (Note: To enlarge the chart, left click on the image.) The Links are wortking fine... the government servers are off line.. Hummm?

There is also a lot of other info on this site that is not made know to the general public... I have copies of seismic activity going back a couple of years, of days when there was HUGE activity at every site around the world... I mean off the scale. Those were days when I knew that something was going on with the Earth as I could feel it.

The horizontal lines are a time line reference but they can also give you an idea of the magnitude of the seismic activity. Each chart represents the activity for the whole day and each one of the 24 horizontal lines represents a one hour

The movement of the vertical lines from left to right on the chart indicate the time and duration of the seismic activity during a one hour period. The chart is also divided into six - 10 minute segments covering one hour.

If there is little seismic activity (Volcanoes and Earthquakes) the time line is almost flat or slightly wavy. If there are strong vertical swings or the graph is almost all black with scribbly lines, that means that there is MAJOR seismic activity in that area. The after shocks are shown on a different time line. What I find interesting is that a lot of these activities are occurring at the same time.

I'm not posting this to frighten you but to make you aware of what's happening in the world around us. I'm not the message, just the messenger.

John

PS: Here are four more related websites you may find of interest:
USGS Maps ... The Virtual Times ...USGS Data ...Earth Changes TV

B38 - Wellness expo (People are awakening)

Hi everyone,

Just thought I’d add my comments as to some of the Earth/people changes that I’ve recently felt and experienced.

I went to a wellness expo in Moncton, New Brunswick, the 2nd annual in this Bible thumping Eastern part of Canada. As far as New Age is concerned, people down East (as they are termed) are fifteen years behind the times, but even though they are behind the times in getting started in a New Age movement, they are just as current as those in Ontario or British Columbia as the material hasn’t really changed. My first psychic fair/ wellness expo was in Ontario back in ’90 and this one was not really different SSDD. (Same “Stuff” Different Day). A lot of the same info and material is still re-cycling itself while some has taken on a new twist or is being combined with other modalities. Most of the people that had booths at the expo are what I consider your typical Old World “BOX” mentality, that is, they go by the book or another’s word or teachings, just like the thumpers. They have adopted other people’s ideas as their truth and now they’re trying to recruit and sell that idea or product, either as the spiritual truth or as a magic bullet to cure all illness.

But, having said that, there was one thing that I did notice that was different in that I was drawn to speak to people running six different booths and in each case I picked up what was going on with them, either emotionally, physically or both. I spoke to these people from the Heart and I felt them connect with me and while they were still caught up in the “box” mentality, I could feel them trying to find a way out. Even though they didn’t know what they were looking for I could feel they knew there was more, and that what they were doing was only a part of the picture. I could feel that they were genuinely curious as they asked me who I was and also to tell them more; they were awakening even though they were not consciously aware of it yet. I also noticed a difference in the crowd or rather in a small portion of the crowd as they too were searching and it was nice to make eye contact with them and feel the connection, and even though nothing was said, nothing had to be said, as everything was felt.

That’s it.

John

PS:
Last year I went to a similar expo in Kelowna. BC and by comparison, I'd say that BC has 10 times more New Age stores and related busisness than does Ontario. That will also give you some idea of where Eastern Canada stands as far as alternative, New Age is concerned. But having said that, that doesn't mean that the people in BC are any more spiritualy evolved than the rest of the Canada, because they are still feeding off the same old info that I talked about earlier, it's just that there are a lot more places to get it and a lot more people intested in alternatives and not the traditional beliefs and the Bible as is the case in Eastern Canada.

Also, when I was at the Kelowna expo surrounded by throngs of New Agers, I only talked to and connected to two people. I compare that to this experience and I feel that it's not the New Age info or movement per say, but that there has been a energy shift this past year in the people themselves regardless of their exposure to alternative ideas or practices.
"More food for thought"

B37 - Dancing (Part 4 of 5 )

Hi again,

I have some insights as to what has been going on that I'd like to share with you. I'll begin with more from my journal entries, but with additional comments.

Sunday morning, 10:35 a.m. I was finishing my second cup of coffee as I picked up the Yellow book; number five in the series called the Right Use of Will. I flipped it open to wherever page it happened to open to and began to read. As I read, I understood what I was now working on, it was my imprinting. (I can’t possibly begin to explain where I’m coming from at this time but feel my words as best you can. We are a spiritual being having a human experience. Our original feelings of longing, desire, a need to love and be loved, produced movement and the reaching toward light and love but instead of receiving love, we were struck instead by a light that was unloving, and it was this unloving light and strike that imprinted and programed us.)

As I was reading, I realized that that was also part of the reason I was attracted to the woman I mentioned earlier. It wasn’t only her that I was attracted to but, but also to the woman she reminder me of that I originally had feelings for but denied. I was also responding to my original imprinting of longing to love and be loved but also afraid of it at the same time, afraid that I would be struck and rejected and so I denied to avoid the pain. To avoid the pain I had to deny any expression of my fears, hopes, dreams and desires, feelings and emotions. I wasn’t responding to love, but to unlovingness, denial and the imprinting that said that longing and desire were wrong as were the expression of feelings and emotions. Furthermore, my mental beliefs and my denials were also unloving to my emotional self that wanted to express.

But then there was a shift when I ended my denials and I called her and expressed myself as best I could. And while it wasn’t complete, it was enough to move some of the imprinting and programming so that when I went to the dance, the attraction I originally had, that I felt so strongly was gone, not that it was “gone,” but there was no longer the compulsive, obsessive, possessive, consuming desire but rather a soothing calmness that I had never experienced before and that I never understood in the moment it was happening until now.

Starting over is another imprint that I feel I will be working on. I have always wanted life to be the way I hoped and dreamed it would be, not the way it was or is. Humm? These imprints and programs are so deeply ingrained in us that we don't even know that we have them. To be able to have or receive what I truly desire, I need to let go of my imprints, programs and beliefs that say that this is the way that love and life are. That I just have to accept it as it is because that’s human nature, and that’s reality. NO! That may be the way it was and is in this moment, but it’s not the way it was suppose to be and it’s not what I want or desire.

This is a long way from being over, but I’ll close for now.
(end of part 4 of - )

John

B36 - Dancing (Part 3 of 5)

Hi again,

For those that are interested in the next part of my ongoing journey, I’m basically copying this from my journal entry that I did at 4:00 a.m. Sunday morning.


Well I went to the dance on Saturday night and it was a different experience again. The woman that I had mentioned in the previous posts was there but I only danced with here three or four times. It was a strange feeling as I had the awareness that I wasn’t attracted to her like I was the last time I saw her or when I talked to her on the phone. I couldn’t figure it out then and still don’t know why. There were half a dozen other single women there that I danced with most of the evening, three that I never met before.

I also found myself letting go of some of my inhibitions in that I got up and tried the meringue, a dance that I did in a workshop a couple of months back but had almost all but forgotten as I never practiced it. She had different moves than what I had learned so I was following her and learning as I went. I also learned a couple of new steps in the cha-cha, rumba and foxtrot during the dances, with awareness that eyes were watching us.

An interesting thing in this moment is that I can clearly see the faces of the people that I was associating with last night. I can also see what they were wearing if I had focused on it at the time. This is a new experience for me as I normally can’t visualize faces or objects. I could be looking at something and close my eyes and it’s gone, there’s a blank slate before my eyes. I have a general memory of it but no visuals.

Another interesting thing I was aware of was that every woman I danced with was different, not only did they dance differently but they felt different. One was light as a feather for 60% of the step, or movement and then I could feel her compress or hold back in the remaining 40% of the step. It was like sliding on ice and then hitting a sandy patch. Another felt dense and heavy and still another felt stick-like, and jerky and then there were others that you could feel life and passion in their steps and movements, but also something else that I can’t quite put my finger on in this moment.

One thing that’s coming out of all this is that I’m beginning to see that dancing is another way of being able to know people on different levels that they don’t present during a conversation or other activity. It’s like dancing is an expression of their soul including their emotions and issues. I just had this visualization that dancing is very much like getting undressed in front of strangers, and being exposed for them to see the real you and not the one that hides behind their clothes. Another thing was when I was sitting out a dance I would watch others and I could also feel them covering up and putting on a façade.

End of part 3 of 5)
John

B35 - A dance within a dance

Hi Again,

I haven’t posted much on my present living situation and my relationships with those living here. The guy I’m renting the room from, I’ll call him “Moe” is totally the opposite of me in a lot of ways and yet the same in others, or like I used to be.

He is married but has extra-curricular activities. He doesn’t go into details but when we would enter into the topic of relationships he would offer up comments like, "I have to get rid of this one as she’s getting way to personal, now she wants to know my name." Another one was,”she asked me if I’d lie to her" and I told her, “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies." Still another was, "You can’t get emotionally involved when you’re having sex as it just spoils having a good time.”

It’s also interesting as he takes things I’ve said and twists them around into half truths that he then uses to confuse, bewilder, manipulate and control the women and men in his life and I told him that this morning. He tried to change the subject to the weather, then he went to do some cleaning and I caught him at both attempts to get away and avoid what I was saying. He then stopped and nervously began scratching his head claming that it was getting hot in here. My reply to him was "and you know why because I’m telling the truth." He looked at me and we began to laugh, both for different reasons.

So here I am working on my sexuality, passion and emotional issues and I’m living in a house where sex is as cold, impersonal and casual as … I can’t find the words to describe it in this moment as I don’t know what that would feel like. He says that his relationships are unconditional with no strings attached. He also says that there are no emotions involved as far as he is concerned and that he makes that perfectly clear before he starts. I feel that he’s lying about having any feelings or emotions and that he tries to hide and totally deny them out of fear of feeling vulnerable and this being hurt again.

Anyway, I’ll close for now, but I felt that I had to let you know what else is going on in my life simultaneously so that you can get a look at the bigger picture.

John

B34 - Dancing (Part 2 of 5 )

(Part 2 of 5)

I danced most of the songs that I knew the steps to with three of the four women at the table. There was only during one song that I had an opportunity to talk to her and while it was awkward for me at first, as we talked I began to feel comfortable as I discovered that we had many things in common including our search for our selves and our spirituality. While it would have been nice to carry on with the conversation, this was a dance, and so we danced, but not always with each other. It was interesting to compare the feelings I got from both the mother and daughter as I danced with both during the evening. The daughter was what I would call alive, passionate and expressive in her dancing while the mother was more mechanical and subdued is as best as I can describe it, although I could feel that underneath the controlled façade, she also had the same passion that the daughter had but it wasn’t being expressed. The dance ended at midnight and we all split up and went our separate ways although I still would have liked to take to her.

I hummed and hawed until Wednesday evening to call the daughter to get her mothers phone number. I felt like a nervous school boy in reverse; that I was talking to the daughter asking her for her mothers’ number. I feel she sensed my nervousness as she softly chucked and gave me her number. I called, but there was no answer and the answering machine had a French message so I just said what I had to and left my name and number. About an hour later she called me back and we spoke for a good hour on the phone. We discussed many topics relating to our personal lives which I wouldn’t go into at this time but it was interesting how we both lived parallel lives in some instances. There is another dance coming up this Saturday evening and she is going along with others members of her dance group, part of which were the people I met last week. I stated that I had been to the last two and that I had planned to go to this one too.

As I was writing the last sentence I realized that I had meet two younger women at the last dance a month ago that were also taking lessons and that I danced quite a bit with during the evening. I remember feeling that both these women were passionate about their dancing and that they danced as if they were fire so to speak yet each was different. One danced like an active fire, with flames and rhythmic movements while the other danced with the shimmering heat of deep glowing and smoldering embers. Humm? It should be an interesting Saturday night! I’ll let you know in a couple of days.

John

PS: In my attempt to keep this post short I failed to mention that during our telephone conversation I expressed whatever issues, fears and emotions that came up.

PPS: One important thing I also forgot to mention was that this woman also reminded me of another woman that I took ballroom dancing lessons with 16 years ago after I got divorced. I was attracted to her but the only thing we did was dance lessons once a week and the odd practice. More of my denied and lost hopes, dreams and desires. It's interesting how all these little "personal" things that you feel aren't relevant or important are at the very crux of the issues you are dealing with.

B33 - Dancing activation (Part 1 of - )

Hi again

While it’s been a while since I’ve posted any personal stuff, that’s not to say that I’m not going through any personal stuff and issues. There’s been a lot going on so I’ll just start at the beginning and try to keep the posts readable. I’ve been working on dealing with my issues of sexuality and healing my chakras. I feel that the physical illness that I’ve been going through the past few months is part of this healing process. Sexuality isn’t just about sex, but includes desire, passion, excitement, lust, warmth, sensuality, attraction, romance, and a host of other adjectives as well as all the fears, issues, guilt and shame that these emotions bring up.

On Tuesday, April 11, I was told about a ballroom dance in a nearby town on the upcoming Saturday evening. The young woman who told me about the dance is not a ballroom dance teacher but she does competitive dancing. She also helps out in the classes that I’m taking, and that is where I met her. I’ve been to a couple of dances put on by the Dance Instructor where I’ve danced with other students at my level and also with a couple of the assistants, including her. She also told me that at this dance, there would be single women there that I could dance with. I told her I’d think about it and that I’d call her for directions if I decided to go. I wanted to go but at the same time there was a part of me that was just going to pass and make up some excuse. But then I thought that there had to be a reason I was trying to avoid this experience and that’s when I realized that this went back to grades seven and eight, to issues of sexuality, passion, desire, not good enough, being alone, being unaccepted and a host of others yet to surface. Even though I had this insight, I went though this yes-no routine right up to early Saturday evening when I decided to go.

There was a lot going on in my personal life during grades seven and eight, but what is relevant is that I was struggling to find some form of social acceptance and I was also becoming aware of my sexuality. I had overheard other guys in the neighborhood saying what fun they had at the local dances and I knew that dancing also involved girls. I though that if I could be like them I would be accepted by them and that I might also find a girl friend. At the same time I felt intimidated as I didn’t know how to dance and I didn’t know any girls that were going and I was too shy, afraid and ashamed to ask any that I knew. I was also split on going to the dances as according to my mother and the Catholic Religion, dancing was a sin and evil, so I couldn’t ask my Mother to teach me to dance. My mother also teased and shamed me about any attraction to, or involvement with girls. Eventually I got up the courage to go to the dance by myself but I never danced the first two or three times I went as I just watched and tried to learn the steps. When I finally got the nerve to get out on the floor, the only dances I tried were a slow foot shuffling waltz with an old fashioned butterfly dance that was a simple form of line dance with two basic movements that was danced by three people, two girls and a guy or two guys and a girl. Jive was way too fast and complicated for me at the time as no one showed me the steps and everyone seemed to be doing it differently.

Anyway, back to the present. I had hummed and hawed all week as to whether I’d go or not, and I finally decided to go just to see what issues it brought up. Needless to say, I never called to tell her yea or nay or for directions. It was a cool and rainy evening as I made my way up the back roads to the small town community centre and after a couple of wrong turns I finally found the place. I went in and looked around and couldn’t see anyone that I knew but I bought my ticket anyway and walked up to the bar to get a drink. As I left the bar, I was greeted by a man that I had seen at one of the earlier dances and he approached me and asked me if I wanted to sit at their table at the far end of the hall, I breathed a sigh of relief as I joined his wife and another couple. A few minutes later the young woman that I mentioned earlier and another young woman came to the table where she introduced the other woman as her mother. I was confused and surprised as when I saw them approaching, I thought that the mother was an older sister. It was at that point that I realized that I was attracted to her mother and that I also had desire to know more.

To be continued. End of part (1 of 5)

John

PS: Just to let you know how much I was, and am, into my issues; I even got three zitts on my face. :) I'm feeling young again Ha Ha!
PPS: Edited '06 June 07 (added the 5 in 1 of -)