B30 - Another Hospital experience

Hi Again,

It's been a couple of weeks since my last post. I mentioned earlier that I had been to the hospital emergency ward and I had to go in again. At first the medicine that I was taking appeared to be working but as I neared the end of the prescription I began to feel the old symptoms coming back. When I woke up on Sat. Mar.18 I was in discomfort and by noon I could hardly walk. Around 2:30 p.m. I was talking to the owner of the house where I'm staying and he told about an after hours clinic. I called to arrange an appointment and much to my surprise, I was told to come right in. By 3:00 p.m. I had found the place and was doing the paper work.

I saw a young woman doctor (my first woman doctor) who after examining me, sent to the hospital for blood and urine tests and an ultrasound. She also gave me a prescription but said that I wasn't to fill it until she had received the results of the tests. I went to a different hospital and again to my surprise, I was next in line. Because I had been to the bathroom before I saw the doctor, I had to wait another hour before getting a urine sample. Even with that extra wait, by 5:00 p.m. they had the results of the tests, had called the doctor, and told me that it was OK to get the prescription filled. I got the prescription filled and was home just after 5:00 pm. What a difference from the last experience.

I began to feel better the next morning and continued to feel an improvement daily. The doc had told me to come back on Wednesday, which I did, and after a brief examination she told me that the tests were clean, and that she even had them test for S.T.D's. She said I had a bacterial infection of unknown origin in my testicles that the prescription should clean it up. While the prescription is having its positive results it's also throwing me "off". By "off" I mean out of balance, disoriented, lack of concentration, etc. I notice that it affects me most for a few hours after taking the pill and that it wears off as the day goes on. I don't drive for at least four hours after I've taken a pill. Needless to say I haven't done too much on my book these past few weeks with all that I've been feeling and going through.

JR

B29 - New place OK --- Group not OK :)

Well things are going smooth at my new rooming place. The owner cleaned the walls, bought an air purifier, and also cut on his smoking. He even washed my pillows to get rid of the smoky smell.

I went to the third "hands of Light" meeting and after a half hour I left. The week before we had a change of plans and instead of starting at the beginning of the book we took turns reading the last chapter out loud. There was little or no discussion of the last chapter as we spent most of the time reading.

We were told last week that we were to read the first few chapters to be discussed this week. Another woman in the group wanted to go back and discuss last weeks reading as did I as there was a lot of points that needed to be cleared. The woman that organized the meeting just wanted to start reading as that's what a study group does. I disagreed and said that I had already read it as had everyone else, so why not start at the first page and discuss what we read instead of spending hours reading out loud and better yet, go back and discuss last weeks reading in detail. She was adamant and as I pushed my chair back from the table, I said "I'm wasting my time here as reading lessons is not what I want."

She went and got my coat and when I had it on she opened her arms as she made her way toward me she saying, "well give me a hug anyway." I put my left hand up to stop her and said "No!" She was shocked! I said "I don't want your guilt filled hug that you're trying to give me to make you feel better." The other women looked at me and didn't say anything. Before I left I gave them my phone number and e-mail address if they wanted to get a hold of me.

Well that's it for now.... Ahh, not quite, my book, my second one. I'm having a hard time writing and organizing. I wrote some material over a year ago and although it's still relative, there's more. Adding more isn't as simple as it seems as now the more is also more interwined with other topics. So needle4ss to say I've been stalling, hoping that I'm not going to have to scrap the 80 or so pages and just start over again

John

B28 - Hospital Expereience

Hi everyone,

About a month ago I came down with what I thought was a cold. I had an extreme headache plus my whole spine ached to the tip of my tailbone and all my joints were sore and achy. Added to that my private parts were also in pain. I basically stayed in bed to two days as all I was doing was sneezing and sweating.

After the second day the sneezing was gone but I felt it had gone into my chest and throat, but nothing ever materialized as in a cough or sore throat but it just hung on as a background feeling of "something" waiting to attack me. Although my body aches gradually disappeared I was still left with a tenderness and pain in groin and private parts, OK! Testicles, there I've said it. I thought it would go way with time but that was not the case as I also began to have pain in my kidneys.

I'm out of province, and I asked around about seing a GP and was told that there is awaiting list of over 5000 people looking for a doctor. I called a few public clinics to see if I could get help but they couldn’t help me so I ended up going to the emergency ward of the hospital. That was an experience I wouldn't forget.

I sat in the waiting room for 5 1/2 hours and then was taken to an examining room. As per hospital regulations I stripped down and put on a hospital gown and for the next 3 1/2 hours I sat on a chair reading Chatelaine. After 3 hours I was getting cold so I put my clothes back on and five minutes later the doctor came in. I disrobed as we talked and after a brief examination I was given a prescription for an bladder, kidney, prostrate, testicle infection.

While that's my story, the other 30-35 people in the waiting room are in the same boat. The hospital appears to look after people in the order of severity of injury or illness or as ambulances come in and I have no problem with that. What I do have a problem with is the casual attitude of the staff. There is no rush and I don't know if it's true or not but there appeared to be only one doctor on call, and this is in the daytime, 10 am to 7 pm. What would they do if there was a real emergency situation? So much for our universal health care that's going down the tubes!

John

B27 - Transitions (same but different)

Well the move out went pretty smooth. The last night I was there, the young man was trying to pick a fight. I was in the kitchen going through the fridge tossing out some food stuff and he came down stairs like a herd of elephants, stomping and huffin and puffin. He never ever made supper between 5 - 6 as he usually ate around 9 - 10. He took over the counter space and the stove and I could feel that he was looking to see what I was making for supper and waiting for "his" moment. I had planned to have some left over soup later on so I told him to knock himself out, that the kitchen was all his as I threw some sprouting garlic into the garbage and went to watch the news on TV. He never said a word but I could feel is anger and hear him muttering and banging in the kitchen.

Later I went to have a shower and I found my soap was squished and mangled so that all that was left was sliver the size of a quarter. I knew he did it out of spite but that was OK as I had enough to shower with and I was planning to toss it after my shower anyway. As I was leaving, I told the landlady about it and warned her that when things turn "sour" between them that she better look out as he will get violent.

I wrote an article to the to the local newspaper in reply to an editorial on bullies. I had been watching the papers to see if it would be published and on Tuesday I noticed that there was no paper in the house. The landlady usually brings it in before going to work so I went out to see it it was there but nothing. Later, when she came home I asked if she had taken the paper to work. She said no, that it was in the mailbox when she left. We then looked in the mail box and she said that someone must have stolen it. I thought that her actions and response were odd, but what the heck, I was moving out anyway. On Wednesday I stopped at the Library and got the Tuesday paper and low and behold, top and centre was my article and my name in bold on the bottom. I guess the thief wanted to have that article :)

As mentioned I had some troubles at the new place with smells and cigarette smoke, but I expressed my fears and my issues and the owner has cut down on his smoking, washed the cupboards, installed and air purifier, washed my pillows, and is cleaning up the storage room in the basement under my bedroom. Things are getting better and I haven't had to sleep with the windows open the past two nights.

I'm still taking the ballromm dance classes on Sat. night and Sunday afternoon is a two hour practice time. I really enjoy it. I've also joined a book study group on Sunday night dealing with "Hands of Light" by Barbara Ann Brennan. There are presently four women (Reiki masters and practitioners) in the group and me. The first meeting was last week and it will be interesting to see what develops tonight as although they are not bible thumpers, they have a similar "positive only" attitude. While stating that they create their own reality, anything that is deemed negative or evil is not considered part of the reality they choose to experience and so they openly deny that unlovingness and evil exist. I laughed when it came up last week as I said that unlovingness and evil had to exist, at least long enough to activate them into denying that it existed. That if it didn't exist, then how could they know about it to be able to deny it? They disagreed and went around in circles trying to justify their beliefs yet at the same time saying that they were open to new experiences and point of views.

John

B26 - This is NOT funny :)

Hi again,

Well it's '06 March 2 and I moved in yesterday. When I took the apartment the owner said that he worked a lot and that I’d like it here as it was quiet. As he lit up a cigarette he said the place was clean, which on the surface it was. When I asked him if there was smoking he said that he smoked a little after work and then asked if I could smell cigarette smoke when I came in. I said that I didn’t although I did smell smoke from the wood stove that he used for heating. We chatted some more and I gave him a $100 deposit and left. I should have paid attention to my intuition as when I left, I could smell smoke on my jacket but I put it dawn to the fact that he was smoking when I was there.

I moved in around noon and the owner was home by 1:00 pm and was home for the rest of the day, smoking. By 10:00pm when I went to get my shower and I could smell smoke coming off me as I was showering. I went to bed just after 11:00pm and woke up around 2:00am, I couldn’t breathe. My pillow case that I had been laying on in the afternoon now smelled of stale smoke and it was in the air. I opened the window about an inch to let some fresh air in and that was how I was able to have some sleep. I went to the washroom around 5:30 am and saw the owner laying on the living room couch, watching TV and you guessed it smoking. He was gone when I got up to make breakfast and I counted 15 cigarette butts in the ashtray.

I’ve turned on the portable heater and left the window open a crack hopefully letting this air out. I put on clean clothes this morning and already can smell smoke on them, and it’s only been 2 1/2 hours. YUK! Well you guessed it, I’ll be giving him my notice today and I don’t know if I’ll last to the end of the month. I’ll have to see what happens as I don’t really want to lose or can afford to lose a months rent. More to come 

JR

B25 - On the move AGAIN?

Well I’m on the move again. I’ll be moving to a sub-division near Moncton. I'll have cable TV and a TV, phone and high speed internet. It’s also beside a large park and a kilometer from the Peticodiac River that has the Bay of Fundy ocean tides that has hiking and biking trails beside it. I’ll be sharing the house with the owner (male) and another guy. I don’t feel that I’ll be there too long.
Things have been gradually deteriorating as a few weeks ago I had a discussion with my present landlady and I stopped having any deep discussions with her as no matter what was discussed it always came back to “being saved." I carried on with shit-chats but that too deteriorated so that now all we talk about now is the weather or the dog.

As mentioned earlier, she got a new boarder, a young lad that has the “hots” for her daughter, but the daughter can’t stand him. The land lady thinks he’s great as he had a job in the oil fields in Alberta and was saving his money, investing, going to buy a house, yadda, yadda. He’s the kind of man that she wants for her daughter (and for herself) as he agrees with her, goes to church and the "Y" with her. She takes him shopping, drops him off and wakes him up when he has to go to work, teaches him how to cook and clean. The daughter doesn’t know any this yet I'm sure she'd freak if she knew. I feel that he's replacing the daughter figure and also the boys. Anyway, he and I didn’t hit it off.

The landlady’s daughter had only moved in three months earlier but had moved out just before the new border moved in and she’s living with her Dad again. The landlady and her 16 year old daughter never got along as the daughter was always doing something wrong, I called her Cinderella. The landlady never gave her daughter or her other two younger boys, the kind of attention she gives the new lad. Last weekend the daughter dropped in to say hi. We had only chatted a few minutes when the landlady came home and began talking to the daughter. I left and went to my room and a few moments later I heard a commotion downstairs as she threw her out of the house. She didn’t physically throw her out but she was on her like a starving dog after a piece of meat. Later I asked her why she didn’t even talk to her or let her daughter talk and she said that she owes her money and until she pays it, she’s not welcome in her house. I asked how may thousands of dollars does she owes. She said she owes her $13.00 and until she pays, she’s no daughter of mine. I said, that’s a good example of how money can buy Christian love.

The landlady’s also has two sons who live with the father but who visit her every second weekend. Last weekend they were lying to her face and making her look stupid. She just blew it off and then she lied to them. I let it be as I felt it was for her to deal with. Later my comment to that episode was that “children learn by example.” She replied that I didn’t know the whole story. I said I was there when they told you what they were going and I was there when they lied, so what's to know? I said that if you would have challenged their lies, instead of lying, I would have backed you up, but it was your choice, not mine. I had previously spoken to her when I had a run in with all the children a few weeks back and I called them on their lies that had to do with me. Since then, the kids and I have actually had some good talks.

Back to my issues with the new border that started with him mumbling, as I couldn’t make out what he was saying and finally I got him to talk so that I could understand him. The next issues were with him wanting to know where I was going and doing. The final issue was with the phone. He was always running to answer it, although it has an answering machine. He would then ask me where the landlady was, when she’d be back, or to tell her that so and so called. I told him on two occasions that if he wants to answer the phone, that’s his business not mine and to not bother me as I let the machine pick it up. After the third incident and me telling him twice that we’ve been through this before, I got angry and told him to fuck off! He stopped and wet upstairs.

A few minutes later the land lady came in and went upstairs to her room. He had been in his room and had now come down stairs and as he was getting dressed to go out he muttered something to me. I asked him what he said and he said fuck off. I began to talk to him and he started to utter a strange “chirping” sound whenever I spoke so that he couldn’t hear me. I never bothered with him as he was going out.

After he left I went upstairs and told the landlady what had just happened. I had spoken to her before about my run in with him and the phone and she said she’d talk to him. I mentioned that her talks didn’t work, but I think he got the message today. She mentioned that she overheard our conversation and that she didn't like that kind of language in her house. She said that I was older and should know better, that he was younger and had things to learn. I said if that’s a truth, then he should respect me as I’m older and have things to teach him. She defended him on all accounts and told me that she didn’t want that kind of tension or language in the house. I told her not to tell me what to do unless she also tells him, that he’s the one that's bugging and attacking me, pretending to be ignorant, not me him. I told her that if she wants to play the old two rule game that I wasn’t going to be a part of it. She then said that she also didn't like me interfering with her personal life. I said I was living in the same house, how can I not be aware of what's going on? I also mentioned that I don't say anything unless I'm directly involved.

She then said that if I didn’t like it I could leave. I said that's your choice, so I'm giving you my months notice. She wanted me out ASAP but seeing all this happened on the Feb 14th and rent was due that day, I told her I’d be out by the end of the month. Since then she had a chat with him and he basically stays out of my way now.
I still haven’t figured out what’s really going on. I don’t know if he’s evil (a denial Spirit) or if he’s just ignorant and confused. It doesn’t really matter about him, as what’s important is what it has to do with me. I still have till the end of the month to figure that out and also see what else comes up.
JR

B24 - New Roommate

As of Feb 1, another roomer is sharing the house, a young man about 19-20 years. old. I've been activated all weekend by an alergic reaction to his mouthwash and aftershave. The combination affected me in the same way a few too many drinks does. I was dizzy, disoriented, off balance and couldn't think straightand even my speech was afected. Going out and getting fresh air didn't help as it was "IN" me. It took hours to slowly get rid of the toxins.

I told the land lady and she spoke to him and so did I. It was interesting that he defended his use of the two products saying that he needed the mouth wash because he had bad breath and that the after shave was the only product that he wasn't sensitive to and that he also had sensitivities and alergies.

When I first met him I wasn't comfortable with him as time goes on the less I anything to do with him. Yesterday I went out for breakfast and this morning he was drilling me on where I went yesterday morning. I told him it was none of his busisness. He said that if I was dating his mother it would be. I replied that even if I was, that it still wasn't any of his busisness as I went to my room.

Later he asked me a question about Dales boots that I had fixed. I told him that he mumbles and that I can't understand a word he's saying and that if he can't talk up and not mumble, that I'm wasn't going to waste my time asking him to repeat himself. He re-stated his question clearly, The question was a retorical as he already knew the answer and I told him that. He then re-stated the question and Dale (the landlady) interupted and told him. It's going to be interesting to see what comes out of all this.

I called Acer and my computer is going in for repair so I'll be out of touch for a couple of weeks, unless I go to the Library.

Well that's it for now,
JR

B23 - Learning to Touch Type "reprograming"

Hi everyone,

Well this past week I've been de-programing myself; I've been teaching myself "touch typing." While I've have 40-50 wpm with the old hunt and peck three or four finger method I decided to re-program myself. I'm not finished the course yet so I'm still using the old method for this post. What I find interesting is that now I'm even faster with the old method as I know where the keys are and I'm pressing them without even looking for them. I figure that when I've switched over, that I should be typing around a 100+ wpm.

What's also interesting is how similar this is to re-programing our imprints, programs and beliefs. That how things are, and how they are done doesn't mean that that is nor necessarily the only, best or loving way. That how we learned to do a thing can be unpluged or re-arranged to function in a new way.

JR

B22 - Reading between the lines

Hi again,

Well I'm being activated into issues of power and abuse of power. I don't know where all this is going but I'll know when I get there, in the mean time I'll just express what I what I'm seeing, hearing and feeling. In the course of my journey I’ve come to know more about what’s really going on, not by what is being said, but by what is not being said, in reading between the lines.

In the ’06 Jan. 27 edition of the Times and Transcript, (Moncton NB, Canada), the front page headline read, “Harper wouldn’t “cosy up” to US.” Now while Stephen Harper blew some hot air flexing his independence muscles on Canadian sovereignty in the Artic, it became quite apparent that he was of the “Bush” mindset and agenda when he stated that although it was not an official “party” or “Canada” position, he hinted that he would not be recognizing the recently elected Palestinian Hamas government stating that they were terrorists, then added that he supports the Israelis and their right to “defend” themselves. What he carefully omitted or denied saying, but implied, was that Israel is justified in attacking Palestinians and that the Palestinians have no right to defend themselves and that if they attack Israel, they’re deemed terrorists who need to be eliminated.

Then on C-12 of the same issue there’s a picture and headline stating that “Hamas sweeps Palestinian elections” capturing 76 out of 132 seats in a democratic election ending four decades of (keyword) “corrupt” rule of the Fatah party. Tired of being abused by their government and by the Israelis, the Palestinians held a free election and decided that they needed a change. True democracy in action, and isn’t that what “freedom” and Bush says his agenda is all about? So what’s the problem? If democracy is “good,” then why is the Palestinian political party “Hamas” labeled terrorists? And why is the so-called “Free World” afraid of this democratic election? Could the real reason be because they’re seeing what “real” democracy and freedom is; where the Will and issues of the people are given a real voice and not the façade of a voice only at election time. Where the Will of the people is expressed and not the will of the political parties via the hidden agendas of the “back room” boys that control them.

Is a persons desire to be free of oppression evil? Stephen Harper just won the Canadian federal election and part of his mandate was to end the “corruption” of the existing Liberal party. Is Stephen Harper evil for desiring to remove the corrupt Liberals from power? Does ending political corruption defines a party as being terrorists, and if so, shouldn’t Harper and his conservatives also be labeled terrorists?

Since 911, the term terrorist applies to any person or group that is fighting back, that doesn’t bow to personal, political or religious intimidation, oppression, cohesion, exploitation and control; that refuse to follow traditional dogma, that questions hidden agendas and are upsetting the status quo of those in POWER. It’s interesting that in both politics and religion it’s the old “do as I say, don’t do as I do” rule. Terrorist, radical, traitor, heretic, witch, pagan, etc. same paint, different brush. And while you may disagree that religion and politics are bed fellows; that doesn’t change the fact that they are.

After 911 and the failed Afghanistan “war on terrorism,” the Bush administration invaded Iraq under the pretense that Saddam Hussein was involved with terrorists and that he had weapons of mass destruction? But then when none were found, (but of course they already knew that) the US changed their story to say that now they were liberating a ravaged country from the hands of a sadistic dictator and were going to bring “Democracy” to this impoverished land because “Democracy” means freedom for the people as it gives them choice and power. If democracy was his true agenda, he would praise the Hamas, instead of labeling them terrorists. Of course the hidden agenda is not democracy at all, but control of the Arab oil supply and creating a military base in the Middle East, but of course that’s flatly denied as the truth would remove those in power. Saddam Hussein was a dictator, Bush is the also, the only difference is that Saddam didn’t pretend he wasn’t. Another point is all this is that the Hamas are an Islamic based religion and in conflict with Judaism and Christianity. (Religion and Politics)

In the ’06 Jan. 23 issue of the Times and Transcript, there was an article where Israel was basically threatening to use nuclear force to fight terrorism. (Now the question that is who sold Israel its sophisticated modern military weapons and its nuclear arsenal? I’ll give you one guess and your right. The other day, France basically joined Israel’s ideology, fearing and condemning Iranians as terrorists wanting to expand their nuclear program. Countries with a well organized military presence and nuclear weapons have a hidden agenda, they don’t want to give up control and anyone who complains and acts out against being dominated and controlled by these countries are deemed terrorists who must be eradicated. Excuse me but there’s a big difference between someone throwing a rock at an invading army tank and someone using a nuclear weapon or threatening to do so if you don’t do as they say. Sure, things are escalating, but guerilla tactics and suicide bombers are unfortunately the most effective weapon these impoverished countries have in their arsenal against these well organized and sanctioned “military terrorists.”

If you think that all these “foreign” issues have nothing to do with “our” democracy and freedom, I’ll give you another example that brings this a little closer to home. In the same issue there was another article stating that (in Canada) if you defaced or destroyed your election ballot, or you created a disturbance in public, that you are committing an illegal act, punishable by a jail sentence and a criminal record. But, if you defaced your ballot in private, or you chose not to vote, that was OK. So what that’s saying is that you can’t openly or publicly disagree or criticize the political democratic system. DENIAL of self expression is acceptable, but any vocal expression or physical action of distain, disgust or anger is not acceptable even if the people that it’s directed at are not present. Yep, that’s the democracy and the freedom we’re fighting to save? Sadly, democracy only offers the façade of freedom. You have only to look at our neighbors to the south to see how their own personal freedom and liberties have been all but abolished in the “name of” freedom and in “protecting” their freedom. Don’t be fooled, we as Canadians, are only one step removed from the same conditions. Food for thought.


JR

B21 - Democracy???

Hi everyone,

I just checked my web site statsics and noticed that the US MIltary has hit saysame 8 times this month... It's interesting how AFRAID the worlds greatest super power is although they'll DENY they're afraid. If they weren't afraid, then why would they be so paranoid and always be "looking" for so-called "terrorists." They're spooked... And the more spooked they become, the more paranoid and the more controls they feel they need to keep them safe all in the "name of freedom" or protecting democracy and freedom.

What they're afraid of is a shift in power, like the one happening in Palestine. True democracy at work, but NOT in the way Big Brother would like it. The acceptable form of democracy is like the one we just experienced in Canada where we elected Harper,a conservative and a "Bush" cronie, who after a brief chat with the Pres. announced that he was not recognizing the Hamas political party who recently won the Palestine democratic free election and went on to call them terrorists. As Canadians, the only democratic process we have is actually a facade of democracy, where the only power the people have is in electing their choice of carefully "pre-selected" cantidates that don't express the WILL of the people, but rather the will of the party and those secretly behind the party who have self-interest intentions.

This blog will probably get a lot more "hits" from the US military as I've used some "KEY" words that I'm sure they will be monitoring. I'm doing this to see just how paradoid they actually are... I'll keep you posted, unless our so so-called democracy and "freedom of speech" is now subject to the "Secret Government" limits and control and my site blocked or removed.

John

B20 - Fear of Power

B510-10 Fear of Power

After posting 510-09 “Being a Hypercritic,” I was leaving the mall where I had been doing my WiFi (wireless internet) and I realized that this also has to do with my issues of having power. Having this feeling of power is a weird or rather foreign feeling as powerless is what I’m used to feeling. It’s not a power over someone or something, but a more of a feeling of an internal power, of being alive and being who you are. It’s not that I’m going to go out and overpower others, but rather that I will no longer choose to allow others to overpower me or rather, for me to over power myself.

Guilt and shame is also involved, as I feel guilt telling me that it’s wrong to have power, that you’ll misuse it. Now I feel it attacking my emotions saying that you can’t just express what you feel willy nilly, you have to have control, there are rules, morality and the right way of doing things. I’m thinking to myself, yea bring it on, and keep yakking away, let me hear everything you have to say. Now I hear it saying, there, that’s it, see, now you’re getting cocky, smug, a fucking know it all. You’re going to blow it for all of us. You’ve never had real power and you don’t know how to handle it. I heard the word “her” and then I felt a shift and the word “it” was repeated over and over as if trying to erase what was said. “Her” is the right word as the Will has and is the power, but until now she has been repressed and denied. Free Will, that’s what this New World and New Era is all about.

Humm, now it’s shut up… nada, not a word… and that’s OK as my intent is to move guilt and unloving light out of and off of me and to allow unconditional love to fill the space that guilt and unloving light have occupied. Now I feel like it’s back there with unloving light re-grouping whatever forces they have left for another attack.

I’ve been having back pains off and on these past two weeks and now they are back again this time more in the lower back and up between the shoulder blades over my heart. I feel that it also has to do with allowing my emotions expression and in recognizing and moving guilt out of me. I feel the pain in my back has to do with healing my chakras and the issues that are “moving” there or that want to move.

Humm, It’s interesting that with this feeling of power I’m also noticing a feeling of fearlessness. That whatever comes up is OK, that…(pause) I feel I was blocked there for a moment as my mind went blank. What I was feeling is almost gone but it was like no matter what, I’m going to be OK although I might not feel like that in the moment I’m threatened or attacked, but when I allow myself to be me and to express myself, then I’ll be empowered and will have nothing to fear. By threatened I mean feeling the presence of unloving light. This feeling of power is not like anything I’ve felt before, not like a feeling of power that comes from an accomplishment or winning. It’s not about that kind of power. Also at this moment I have a renewed jest for life and for my writing. Humm, I think the word is passion.

JR

B19 - Being a hypocrite

Hi everyone,

A few days ago I had another realization and insight that I want to share. I’m presently rooming with a woman and her daughter. The woman is a born again Christian who has said that she is open to new ideas. She has asked me questions and I have shared openly, and we have agreed to disagree, however, I felt that no matter what I shared it didn’t matter. If what I said fit her agenda, her beliefs according to the word of God (the bible) then it wasn’t acceptable. There were times when we’d get into religion and I showed her direct contradictions in the bible. She would say “interesting” and that would be the end of it, door closed, but the bible and her original beliefs would remain. Other times she would quote some biblical passage and I’d comment that if that’s unconditional love and the truth as you say it is, then why you are not walking your talk? Do it! Why do you say one thing yet do another? Why do you ask me or your daughter to do what you yourself do not do? She’d always have some excuse like she is only human, we’re here to suffer like Jesus, it’s not her Will but God’s Will be done, God works in mysterious ways, we’re all sinners and come short of the glory of God, that I need to accept Jesus as my savior, that I need to be filled with the Holy Ghost, the list goes on and on. I became frustrated with her hypocrisy.

I awoke around 1:00 a.m. with the realization and insight that it wasn’t her that was the hypocrite… but me! I was doing the exact same thing she was. I wasn’t walking my talk. While I’ve experienced and am aware of the flaws in organized religion that are based in conditional love, I also have awareness and experiences with unconditional love. Unconditional love is what I feel inside me, what I desire, what I want to live and experience and is what I am. But, and this is where my hierocracy comes in, I wasn’t walking my talk, I wasn’t being unconditional and “real,” I was still “trying” to be nice, kind, considerate, understanding and all the other “phony” beliefs that are part of conditional love. Although I know the difference between the two, I was still trying to get her to understand what I feel and believe unconditional love is, trying to quietly convert her like she was trying to do to me. It wasn’t about her Christian beliefs or any other religion; it’s about ME walking my talk, about me being “real” and practicing unconditional love instead of just mouthing it.

This is a good example of how others “mirror” or show us our issues that we think are their problems and issues and not ours. That it’s not what they are doing that is important, but what you are not doing. Having realized that it was then time to walk my talk and I did so the next morning as I thanked her and shared my insights. As the morning went on I got see, feel and express the things that I had ignored and denied before. Needless to say our conversations since then have been basic. She had mentioned a couple of times that she has to watch her words with me and I feel that she is withdrawing as she’s not comfortable being challenged and not in control.

It’s interesting that since my first awakening experience to unconditional love, many of my realizations had to do with me being the hypocrite but this realization is also at a different level. I say different level (scratching my head, a sign of anxiousness, stress and fear) as this involves how I interact with people on a daily basis. It’s hard to explain but I feel that I can’t be “real,” be me if I indulge in what I’ve been calling “shit chat.” While I’ve been calling it when I see it, I also haven’t walked my talk. There is often a lot going on that I’m aware of during these “shit chat” conversations that I didn’t get into to, including getting into a conversation in the first place. Most times it’s not me that initiates the conversation but I get drawn in and before I realize it I’m caught up and going on my old imprints, programs and beliefs. And beyond that, knowing what I know, I’m also trying to help others in the same way I was doing as I explained in the previous paragraph.

People can’t see tree for the forest. I’ve seen the forest (conditional love), been there done that, and I’ve also seen the tree (unconditional love). I’m a tree, and for people to see me I have to stand out from the forest to be noticed. Once they notice me, that there is a difference between the tree and the forest, that’s when they’ll begin their journey and it has nothing to do with me saving or helping them other than by me being “real.”

It’s interesting that all my life I’ve felt like I’m in two different worlds. I’ve tried to survive by tip-toeing my way around this world of conditional love full of denial and guilt and now it’s time to be real again. My fear is that if I’m real, if I am who I am, if I speak my truth, then I’ll be attacked or that people will withdraw and have nothing to do with me. This is nothing new as it’s bringing up past lives around these same issues of speaking my truth. Humm…. I just heard a soft voice say, “and the truth shall set you free.” Well, like the saying, you never know unless you try and unless you try, you’ll never know, here goes a leap of faith. I’ll let you know how things develop.

NOTE: In typing this piece I just realized that this also has to do with guilt. I know that every time I don’t allow, or deny my spontaneous expression, that it indicates a lack of self acceptance of who and how I am, and on how I express myself. As long as I have guilt, it stops me from being who I am and I’m actually giving my power and essence to those that I lack spontaneous expression with. When I express myself, guilt moves out and unconditional love moves in and I not only reclaim my power, but I’m free from being controlled by guilt and others who are feeding off me. Guilt was also involved in my trying to save others as I should not be better than or have anything others don’t have; I have to give to receive and all the rest of that BS (Belief System). Hey, it’s been a great day!!! Another “bonus” for expressing myself and being real.

John
Link to: The Heart Centre Message Board - 501

Sermon, Rant or the Truth (You take your pick)

B18 - Moncton Update

Hi everyone,

It's been a while since my last post so I'll bring you up to speed. I left Kelowna, BC in August and spent a couple of weeks making my way back to Ontairo. I stayed in Ontario for almost two months before making my way to the Maritimes. After about three weeks I ended up in Moncton, New Brunswick where I am at the present moment.

I've been working on my second manuscript and also dealing with any issues that come up... It's interesting that in all the Maritimes, Moncton is most "religious" city of them all with 95% of the people being christian... Maritimers have a reputation of being laid back, friendly and polite... and they are very much like the movie "Pleasantville" ... While the facade may be friendly and polite, it's an entirely different world underneath. The reason I'm mentioning this is that it was also an activation for me and another level of healing.

I'm don't have a permanent internet connection and I'm using the WiFi wireless internet in the mall to do this post... In the future, I'll be writing my posts at home and then transfering them to this blog..

Bye for now
John

B17 - On the move again

Hi everyone,

Well things are changing again. I gave my notice to both my landlady and the Denis, the Reno guy I was working with that I'll be leaving at the end of the month. Both were reluctant to see me leave which is something new for me. There is a part of me that feels it would be nice to stay here in Kelowna. I have a job, I’m saving money and I have a place to stay where I’m not harassed. However, I feel that if I stayed here I’d be doing so only because that’s what I wanted in my OLD life. I say old life because what I’m presently doing and where I’m living is not what I want in my new life.

So now it’s my choice to move from this “comfort” zone. I feel that what I’ve experienced here I can now experience anywhere, but at the same time I want more. I want to begin creating my new life and I can’t do that as long as long as I’m attached to the OLD life and the OLD ways. I feel that I’m walking with a foot in both worlds and that if I need to make some money; I can do it in the OLD world until I learn how to manifest what I desire with love in the New World.

I’m planning to make my way to the East coast and stay in the Maritimes for a few months. I was talking to a woman the other day about my move and why I was going there and as I answered her I realized that part of this journey is to witness and experience that while people are separated by topography, they are joined in commonality by their beliefs and illusions. While each province has different landscapes, businesses, TV, Radio, provincial and municipal governments, etc. they are joined by similar issues and beliefs. Each believing they are different and unique, yet under the façade of living, they are fueled by the same denial based rhetoric and belief systems. During that conversation I also realized that after this move to the opposite end of the country, (within Canada) that I’ll be moving to the opposite end of the World, Australia, (?) where I feel it’s to experience more of the same thing within differnt contries and cultures.

Well that’s it for now, I’ll try to keep you posted on a more regular basis if I can.

John
“Healing begins in the heart”

B16 - Loving others - Loving self

Hi everyone,

This is my first "real time" blog post. In all this change with getting my new laptop and being full time on the web, I also decided to re-activate my Experts account. I'm in catagories, New Age, Meditation, Dealing with deprerssion, Anxiety disorders and Stress management. I've had five questions in the first two days and I realized that the one common theme that is currently coming up is that while people find it hard to love another in the relationships that they're in, they find it impossible to love themselves. And what is also evident is that they have no concept of what self love really means, other than a falses sense of being in control or more self sacrifice. They are too busy being caught up in either trying to change the other person or themselves, to MAKE the relationship work, to see what the real issues are and why.

It just remined me of a poem I channeled a few years ago called Going in Circles (601-03)

John

B15 - Time lag...More changes...Now caught up

'05 May 15
Hi everyone,

I didn't realize but its been over two months since I last posted to my journal. I'll try to briefly bring you up to speed, present day.

I left the place I was staying at in my last post on March 31. I've moved into another rooming house with 4 guys in the basement and another older (75 year old man) on my (main) floor and then there are 2 more upstairs.

I also started working for another handyman on March 2 and have been busy at that. I've made enough money to fixup my truck and to also buy myself a new laptop computer. Someone around the neighbnourhood has wireless internet and I'm able to conect to the net for free.

My son has also gotten me a "REAL" web site domain name http://saysame.com/ and a host and has also provided me with a lot of ideas and opportunities to expand. I tried other names but they were either taked or I could get a weird .yhd or whatever ad I wanted a .com address Then I got SAYS A ME and it felt right...as it can be used in a variety of ways.

I'm going to be transfering this journal site to my site on "BLOGGER" http://www.blogger.com/home and my comments will be posted both on my web site and on blogger and published on the net.

I haven't been writing in my "longhand" journal too much these past couple of months either but neither have I been actived like I have in the past... Sometimes I wonder what's going on? Have I dropped "off" my path? But then there are moments when I know I haven't and I feel I have been given this time for rebuilding and a re-grouping.

Well that's it's for now.
John

PS, I almost forgot to mention that I'm going to be on the move again. This time moving to the East coast of Canada.. This will be somtime in June...

B14 - Exhausted and "hooked"

'05 Feb 20
Hi everyone,

During the past few weeks I'd gone to the point of almost total exhaustion from lack of sleep. The landlord, used to work till 10:30 - 11:00 pm and then I could go to bed and not be awakend. Then he began working later and he was also getting phone calls and talking until sometimes 2:00 a.m. Other times, he'd finish at 11:00 and then come back around 11:30 and begin working on puting some computers together. Needless to say I was just getting to sleep when a noise would awaken me and that was it as I'd be waiting for the next "thump or ring to wake me up. It was getting to a point that I was walking into walls and I didn't drive as I wasn't aware enough.

On wednesday night 12:30 a.m. he decided to open the door between the kitchen/living room and in so doing the birds started to squalk and woke me up. I asked him to close the door as the bird was distrubing me. He said go ahead. When I came out of the bathroom, he was not in the room but the door was still open and in going past it, I slamed it shut. He wouldn't come in, but he sent his little wife to see me. I talked to her a few minutes before going to bed. I told her that he keeps the door closed all day as he doesn't want to be distrubed by the other birds chirping, the dog or even his son, and that I have to be quiet when he's on the phone or the computer so as to not distrub him. But that after midnight, when other people are sleeping, he doesn't care if he distrubs them and I asked why the two sets of rules. She then said that she perfered it when the room was rented out to students as they said nothing. I asked her if saying nothing was "good" and saying anything that distrubes his highness was "bad" and sure, students aren't going to say anything and challange him like I do.

The next morning he was getting ready to leave for a few days and I was having breakfast. As he passsed, I asked if he was as ignorant as he pretended to be. He glared at me and hissed back, "and are you are rude as you pretent to be. I said that I wasn't pretending. That was the end of our conversation. He went away for a three days last thursday and it was the first time in a long that that I had a good sleep and even some dreams.

Last night and this morning I got the insights as to why I was confused and also how he "hooked" me. There was a time early on when he was whistling one night and I called him on it. The Next day he said he was whistling on purpose and I thought, hey! this guy is really nice. Key word THOUGHT.

I never "felt" anything from him when he said it but I was so anxious to give him the benifit of the doubt, that I denied my feelings. Then a couple of weeks ago he came into my room with the squaky bird. Again I THOUGHT, hey, he's trying to be friendly and the bird wanted to be petted so I thought "nice' bird. BUT all that was a hook again as then he used the bird to get to me to keep me awake.

Once I was in denial, they got into my head and were giving me all sorts of thoughts as to what to put in my book that I'm now writing. The more I wrote, the more confused I began and it was just spiriling down hill until I was able to get some sleep.

I feel that he's a denial spirit, and a good actor as he knows all the little tricks too. He also reminded me of my duel with the dark wizard in my believing that he had morals and scruples, but he was only pretending to have them. It's going to be interesting to see how this unfolds

B13 - Here I GrOw again

'05 Feb 4
Well here I GrOw again.

Yesterday the little boy of the family whose house I'm staying at, said something and I challanged him as to why he said what he did. He looked a me with a puzzled expression and then began hitting his head with his left hand saying that it was his OTHER brain that made him say that and that it was talking to him now telling him not to tell.

I questioned him further and tried to get him to "see" his so-called OTHER brain but he said he was hiding. When I told him that he had the power to tell this other brain where to go. He looked and me and then said that the other brain said for him not to listen to me. We were interupted when his mother came home. I feel that I'm going to be doing more with him in the near future.

Later last night, I had been working on my computer on my second book and I was already tired at 10:30 but I forced myself to stay awake until 11:00 as Jeff works in the next room until then. I went to brush my teeth at 11:15pm and then went to bed.

No sooner had I turned out the light than Jeff began whistling which is somthing that he normally doesn't do. I opend the door and asked him why he was whistling and he said , "Oh no reason, do you want me to stop?" I said "Yes, I'm going to bed to sleep and I closed the door. He then began talking saying that he wasn't going to whistle anymore and he just kept on with his yadda, yadda, yadda, and I said out loud, "and you can stop talkng too". He was quiet and although I tried to go to sleep I was still awake at 2:00 am

This moning I realized that he reminds me of my brother-in-law Art, in that he uses the same idiot act, the jokey act and if that doesn't work he goes into the whinney, cute little boy act. This moring I confronted him and asked him why he did what he did last night? First he said that he didn't realize that I had gone to bed and then he said that he was only fooling and kidding with me. I said that he knew that it was after 11:00 and I told him that I didn't like his kind of kidding or fooling as it didn't feel loving.

He said he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again. At one point I said the word fuck in my conversation and he said he didn't appreciate me talking like that. Just then his son came in the room and I told him that yes, I wouldn't use that word, not because he doesn't like it or because he told me not to use it but because I don't want to use it as I now realize that his son is around. I also stated that he's probaly heard that word if not at home, then at school, that I'm not protecting him. But that I was angry and it was what I felt in the moment I said it and I have regrets.

I also told him that it's not the real Jeff that I'm ticked off at but at the voice that is controlling Jeff. He looked puzzed and I told him of what his son had said. He asked him if that was true and his son told him that he had another brain that was telling him what do do and that he didn't like it. Jeff tried to dismiss it as some childish fantasy and I said that it's not a fantasy, that it's real and you're the living proof and you don't even know it.

I also expressed my fear in that now that I challenged him and expressed myself, that he would ask me to leave. He said no, that wasn't so and then his son interupted him again and our conversation ended. I then got my jacket and left to come to the library and I left it at that.

I'll let you know how things go as they grow.

John
PS I'm adding this note as when I read the post, I noticed that the F word was bleeped. I don't remember adding or checking off a profanity filter on this board and it's somthing That I'm going to check out. Not that it really matters as one can say ice cream with the same intent as fuck you and you 'll still get the same message

B12 - Closure

'05 Jan 23
Hi again,

Well nothing MAJOR has happened to me, well that's not entirely true. I did call Nick, the guy who owes me my rental depsoit and he basicly had no ears, just a RAGE mouth and nothing I said penetrated. He now claimed that I was responsible for him having to spend money on new advertizing, and that I should pay for it out of my deposit because it was me that left. I was angry and told him to expect company as I had intent to file charges of assult or to call the fire dept. and report his saftey infractions. I wanted to hurt him back. For hours, I had a voice in my head telling me of all the ways I could get even with him.

Later I was reading in RUOW ( in the process of adding this link I found that Ceanne has a web site up) how there are fragments of us out there in people that we don't know are us. I've had this feeling that Nick and I are connected somehow, but I hadn't figured it out. I thought back to our first encounter and how I felt the tremedous heartbreak in him when I touched his shoulder. That heartbreak wasn't him, as outside me, that heartbreak was me. That was the part of me that lived in heartbreak, terror and denied rage at what had happened to me when I started school.

I called him up but there was no answer, so I left a message. As I was talking I said that I wasn't going to be sending anyone over and that I wasn't going to punish him as he had been punished enough. I mentioned the heartbreak, that I had felt from him as I noted in the last paragraph. As I said that I choked up and my voice quivered and tears filled my eyes.

I still don't know exactly what happened but the voice that had been prompting me to get even was gone. There was an erie silence but yet an profound realization that I was now at peace. Tears of joy now filled my eyes.

A few days later I began to worry about money as I just spent $700 on my truck and now my muffer was going and I also found out that the wheel aligment that I got a couple of months ago was a BUM STEER and that it also wore my front tires. Anyway, a couple of days ago I called around and got a part time job as a handyman working for a handyman. And so while I can't fix my truck, it's not a case of "have to" so it can wait.

Last night I felt aches and pains in my body that I've never felt. Every joint was stiff and painful to move. Even my bones ached, and my muscles were sore and tender. I felt dizzy and disoriented. It felt like I was getting a cold, but I also know that I'm not. I feel that it has something to do with my Chakras and my kundalini, as that is also what I'm being drawn to focus my attention on.


Well that's all for now, I'll keep you posted as I can.

John

B11 - Article - New Years Resolutions

'05 Jan 13
Hi everyone

Well I picked up some shelving and a couple of chairs at the Salvation Army and I made myself a computer desk so things are getting cosy. I did have to by some sheets and pillows but I got them on sale.

I still haven't got my deposit back and he's been out and also avoiding me. He has a new tennant and I was talking to him. He's pissed off and is looking for another place. Apparently Nick has locked him out of the main part of the rest of the house so he doesn't have access to the bathroom or kitchen.

Well just when it looks like I might be setting in I come to another fork in the road. I had picked up a New Age Magazine and saw an article that they were looking for building, gardening and computer help for the retreat centre that they also have. I wrote them stating that I was interested and also submitted the article on New Years Resolutions 501-08

I received and E-mail back saying that they wanted to meet me and that she also liked my article but wanted me to personalize it. At first I was a little put off and also confused and then I realized that it made sense and I re-wrote it. I was also actived not only by revising my article but also by what she had said and I stated both my activations in the e-mail I send her which I now share. ( text in red)

Anyway, enough explaining or rather "justifying" as my activation and fear is that it wouldn't meet your expectations and that you'll reject it and me in the process. Gee! Even writing an article is a healing experience as it activates more of my unresolved issues on different levels and layers. I can also see how this is related to other issues I'm presently working on. Thanks! John

I also have to say that I don't know how I feel about reading your comment, "giving some of your life energy," but it's activated me. I'm not fully into feeling it yet, but I'll let you know when I have and what it is. Ahh! It's the word "giving" like in the saying, "you have to give to get, or it's the price one has to pay to be part of something. You have to give love to get love," and all the other beliefs associated with "conditional" Love. I don't feel you meant it that way, but that's what was activated in me. This also has to do with co-creating the New World. Humm. Second activation, and all this is coming up with just one email. But this is good! It's healing for me and also letting you see how I work on my issues. I could have denied saying anything, but I feel there are no coincidences and this is all coming up for a reason for me to share. I just realized that this activation also ties in with my previous one and the issues of having to meet your expectations. Thanks again.


Then yesterday she e-mailed me and approved what I had re-written but suggested that I remove the bold type and the underling of certain words. She said I didn't have to and that it was my choice. Again, I was activated but got insights into my issues. I revised it and sent her the following E-mail.

I’ve revised the article and I’ve taken out the underlined and bold words. You’re right AGAIN!!!

It’s interesting how the universe shows us things that we’re not aware of (Dah! Like what I wrote about at the end of my article) A couple of days ago I received an E-mail from a friend and it was almost all typed in bold letters. I felt she was shouting at me. When you shared your bit about underlining and bold I realized that yes, while those words are important to me, I don’t have to SHOUT or try to MAKE another person HEAR me. If they read the article and they’re ready to “hear” and “feel” my words, then they will be activated to do the underlining for themselves.

I wasn’t aware that I was unlovingly, subtly and not so subtly, trying to control and to make others understand what I’ve experienced and know as my truth, and also in a strange way, I was trying to save them. Another part of this is that I still have an issue of feeling not heard, or that what I say, or more importantly, what I feel, is not important. Again it’s another layer of wanting to be accepted and loved by others (outside myself) and not accepting my inner truth, and myself. Many people will read and not understand and that’s OK, as that’s their journey. Instead of “trying to be” whatever... I’ll just be. Another step on my healing journey and I thank you for being honest and forthright and helping me uncover yet another form of denial and unlovingness.

Now I'm working on Lost Will fragmentation in a way that I've never looked at it before, or rather seen or felt it before and also about the "feeling" of fear. I'll keep you posted as I can.

Love, Light and Life,
John

PS: I'm going to post all three versions of the article (501-08) that I wrote so that you can relate it to what I've posted here.

B10 - Another Move

'05 Jan5
Hi everyone,

Well here I go again. I've moved, and the ad said furnished, well it ain't, all it had was a bed. (Period) I had to go out and buy some bedding and shelving units for stortage and I also made myself a desk for my computer. I also got some of my camping supplies out to make my meals. Not that there isn't any utensils around, it's just that they not clean and are pilled up in the sink.

A couple of things that I'm already being activated into are the couples arguring and also the mess, especially in the kitchen. BOTH these remind me of my childhood.

Another thing I realized this morning is that I'm not finished with the "last" place yet. I haven't gotten my damage deposit back and I realized that part of my issue is another form of fear of being attacked if I disagreed with him and that I also found myself giving him the benifit of the doubt AGAIN!!! It's also reminding me of my childhood and all the promises my mother and father made to me that they never kept, but I always gave them the benifit of the doubt, what else could I do.

I'm going back today to confront him, both with my fears of being attacked when I tell him what a liar and user he is and that I'll never see my money if I do. I also have another side of me that is telling me to hurt him where he's hurting you, in the pocket book as I could report him for numerous fire, electrical and plumbing code violations.

I'm running out of time, so I'll let you know what happens in my next post.

Cheers,
John

B9 - Another Twist

'04 Dec 17
Hi everyone,

Well another twist in my journey, as this morning I was touching how I was abandoned by my Father. Not that he physically left the family, but he became more absent as he "withdrew" and worked harder. He couldn't deal with the issues with my mother and her and his and others expectations and judgments.

I also recognized that I did the same thing with my children, altought at the time I called it having a "positive attitude." When I could no longer handle, face or deal with the issues that my present work and marriage was bringing up or not bringing up, I withdrew into myself and my new work which at that time was starting my own Cable TV planning and design consulting company. "IT" became my world and it sucked the life out of me but because it was in a different form, I didn't recognize it for a long time.

I also thought I was still there for them as a "loving" PROVIDER and care giver, giving them what they wanted and needed which I also believed was LOVE at that time. And, the more I gave, the more they all seemed to need and I could never win, so I worked all the harder.

Like the picture of the donkey always walking forward to try to bite the carrot tied to a string that is dangling from a stick out in front of him. He will never get it, although he THINKS he will if he just takes another step. DAH!!!! What an ASS.

I feel that's part and parcel of the DEATH and loss I was feeling before, but I haven't tied them together, YET.

Oh Yes, Another thing I'm touching is that besides denying things that we don't like about ourselves, we also deny things that we do like, our lost greatness. We deny our greatness because of guilt and shame and what other people might think, say or do to us for being as great and as talented as we really are.

Cheers for now
John

B8 - My Rollercoaster

Hi everyone,

Welcome to my rollercoaster.

I left Vernon on '04 Dec 1, and was litteraly completing last minute issues with my landlords ex-wife (who reminded me of my mother and ex-wife) She was not on "friendly" terms with me for speaking my feelings and my truth as she ordered me out of the house. At this time I was just helping them move their stuff, so I was already packed.

I then drove down to Kelowna and settled into my new digs, only to have a verbal confrontation with my new landlord who expected me to be a "mind reader" and who told me that I was being evicted and that I had to be out by the end of the month. He was also bringing up more issues with my mother and now father.

I pissed two people off in the same day for being myself and speaking my truth. Made me doubt myself for a moment as to what I was doing and where all this was leading me. I felt I was going deeper down the rabbit hole and that this place was "hell."

The next day we had a talk and I touched his shoulder and felt his enourmous heartbreak and I started too cry. We've been basicly OK since then as I started a part-time job doing handyman work, so I wasn't around much.

Last night, Dec. 10, he physically attacked me in the bathroom. Earlier that day he had repaired the shower and he commented to me that it needed eight hours to dry. I replied that that meant I wasn't going to have a shower that night. That night he heard water running in the bathroom and thought I was having a shower but I was brushing my teeth. We got into a verbal confrontation and he came at me and physically choked me while I had tooth brush on one hand and tooth paste in the other.

He backed off and I was aware that while I was being threatened, I wasn't in SHOCK. He came at me and chocked me again. This time I looked him in the eyes and told him he had two seconds to take his hands off me and get out of the bathroom of have the end of my toothbrush in his eye. He looked shocked, released me and backed up and told me to be out by the 15th. All this brought up more issues with my mother and father.

This morning I had a talk with him and I'm not being evicted by the 15th, but instead, I gave him my notice that I was moving out at the end of the month as I felt that both my, and his work would be done by then. I also felt and told him, that he was at a cross roads and needed to make a decision that litteraly means his life.

I also told him that his house is a portal for evil and that Rikkity (a female entity who is similar to Seth as a negotiator)is the one that's on him telling him things to feed his paranoia and that there are others coming throught also. Rikkity's also the one that's been trying to chock me as I've had a cough, but only when I was in the house.

Well I'm running out of time on the library net. More later.
John

B7 - Issues and Lessons

'04 12,12
Hi everyone,

Just a brief update of what I've been experiencing these past few months. There is a lot missing, but I feel I have to just start somewhere.

After C and the girls left for home,I left the Cabin I got a room with a woman who brought up issues with my mother. She was what I call a mentaloid, everything she knew or talked about was what she had read or if there was a personal experience, it was from a purely mental point of view. She wasn't a bible thumper like my mother, but she thumped her BOOK of "knowledge" instead. We "co-habitated" the basement apartment and she spoke very little to me after I expressed myself and continued to do so whenever she would try to control me with her BS, Belief Systems, based on what she had read.

The house we were living was being sold and as a tennant she had to be out by the end of October. I got there mid-September and left two weeks later as I got a place right in Vernon. I moved into a rooming house with four guys in the basement and two - three (the owner on weekends) upstairs. Four were on disability and one on unemployment. I didn't know this at the time I paid my money. I also didn't know that the guy living upstairs with me was also a drug user as were two of the guys downstairs and that the other two were also druggies, but they were legal.... as they were doped up on perscription drugs. Street Drugs and trafficing as such, was never a part of my reality until now. I've been around weed smokers, but nothing harder.

I got into it with him one evening when he was smoking cigarettes in the house,(it was a no-smoking building) He told me that it was OK and that I would keep it a secret. I told him to get outside with his cigarettte and that no, I wasn't his secret keeper and that I'd be letting the owner know what was going on when he came up for the weekend. He became angry and we almost got into a physical confrontation. The next day he appologized and that laid the ground work for our "brotherly" relationship. I don't have any "real" male friends and I felt here was an opportunity to finally have one.

This is getting too long so I'll just abbreviate some of the experiences in point form.
1)He got a job, got paid and decided to celebrate. He overdosed on Crystal Meth which he thought was coke. He went paranoid for three days and ended up in the hospital.

2)When he got out, I lent him money to get to another town to get a new start. He called me when he got there and wanted to come back but needed more money. I deposited it in his bank accoount and never heard from him again.

3) I also worked for a guy doing handyman work. He was a smoothe talker and it smelt off but I gave him the benifit of the doubt. He never paid me. Then he paid 1/2 and I did more work and he never paid again.

Lesson: Giving others the benifit of the doubt when I KNEW that they was lying and not giving MYSELF, my WILL, the benifit of her doubts.

4)Then I had to take control of the job in progress and then work out a NEW price, as the job us under-guoted. That brought up more issues as they (the customer) were caught in the middle.

5)I was also working on the job with another guy and I also had to cut him loose instead of giving him the benifit of the doubt.

Lesson: Standing up and asking for what I wanted and deserved. Energy is money and money is energy and I was giving away both. Also, other people feed off you as you "carry them" out of a false sense of friendship, loyality, graditude and guilt. And here again I had to speak my truth and "WALK MY TALK"

6) A friend of the owner stayed upstairs on the couch and took some of my food. Standing up for myself was another hard thing to do as he gave me a sob story. Standing up for myself almost lead to a physical confrontation. Lesson: Judgment, that the other person was worse off than me so I should just give them what they want and ignore or deny what happened.

7) The owners ex- was up in October to begin to pack. All she packed then was what she could get in her car. We talked and we didn't hit it off as she was just like my ex and when I was straight with her, she was out of here. 8) An interesting coincidence in all this is that the owner's birthday is one day later than mine and his ex-wifes birthday is on the same day as my ex-wife.
Well I have to go, time is almost up, will update soon.
John

B6 - No mans land - Death

'04 Nov. 01
Hi again,

Well here I go again.

I feel I'm in a no mans land and what I'm going into is DEATH. Death is something that our Spirit has never experienced as it has always lifted out of our body whenever our body began to fail. Our Soul has also been left behind and as such, is part of our Lost Will that we also have to recover. Recover by the only means possible, which is for the Spirit to have acceptance for the feelings that both the Will and Body go through when they are forced to experience death or nothingness and loss of consciousness. What our body experiened in its contact with death is also something that we need to heal.

Death is terrifying to the Spirit that has been in denial as it is something that it has always avoided feeling saying things as, death is just a natural part of life, death is the opening of a new door, There is no need to fear death as life is eternal, Death is the balance and the opposite of life, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm feeling my body begin to let go. Not let go in getting ready to die, but in letting go of all the things that it is holding that want to make it die as in unloving light, guilt and shame and my imprints, programs and beliefs. I feel that my body has been holding on to this "unloving energy" so tightly and that I believed,(my Spirit and mind) that "it" was holding me together when in reality, the opposite was true.

It's terrifying watching my body become undone in just a matter of weeks and sometimes I notice a difference in days. My shin becomes loose, my muscles have lost mass and tone in a matter of days. My body stoops, my memory and strength fails, my eyes blurr and the list goes on and on. And then at night when you awaken from your sleep or just as you're drifting off, you feel the numbness in your lower body and extremedies. You know you have legs and arms, but you can't feel them. Although all this is happening to me, I feel that I'm still healthy and able to function.

I can also feel my Spirit (mind) scrambling to find solutions to what it feels is not desireable or unacceptable from the body, which is another form of self-hatred exposed along with its fear of death. My Mind is also being fed and controlled by the imprints and programs and by unloving light that doesn't want me to heal this.

I don't know where all this is going or how I'm going to find what I need to heal, but I intend to find and heal any part of me that wants life.

I just flashed to an insight that I had before, "that to know what love is you have to know what love isn't." Well I guess, no, I know, "that in order to know what life is you also have to know what life isn't, and what death is.

Well that's it for now, I'll keep you posted as I can.

Love, Light and Life,
John a.k.a Shenreed

B5 - On the Road

'04 Sept. 29

Hi everyone,

Just a brief note to let you know that I'm alive and kicking. Presently I'm in Vernon, BC, that's about 1/2 hour north of Kelowna. A lot of things have happend this summer and especially in the past two months, Enought that I can write a book on just those experiences and insights. Topics include, possession, children and animals, inner critic, over soul, Divine self fragmentation, two and more voices, choice, freedom, peace, Kundalini, Chakras healing, sex, sexuality, senuality, relationships, judgments as part of fragmentation. And the BIGGIE, the power of our denied fragments to draw to us, experiences that we need in order to heal it, which is the opposite of what we desire.

Say we desire love and abundance in our life, but what we actually manifest is unloving relationships and lack. This is not Karma, but rather our denied fragments that can't reach us any other way except through our Divine self, (which is also cut off from our consciousness) and thus the only way to reach our present consciousness is through personal physical experiences.

Hey, I'm already getting into it as I feel I need to share this and it is BIG and will change everything!!! But there is so much more and the pieces are starting to fit together, although for each querstion that is answered, I get another hundred.

Cheers for now.
John a.k.a. Shenreed

B4 - Manifesting my hopes, dreams and desires

'03 June 06
Hi everyone,

I spent four days last week painting and repairing a cottage to make some money to keep me going, to survive. I got call today to paint and do some repairs to the cottage next door, which I accepted. While there is a part of me that enjoys what I'm doing, there's another part of me that knows that that part of me is still doing it in denial because he has to and his fear of survival if he has no money. So while I may say I enjoy it, the bottom line is that I'm really doing it for the money, to survive, to eat, for gas and other things like getting more letters out to other publishers. All that so that I can make some money when I sell the book and then I'll be OK. But I've never been OK, no matter how much money I had.

I have issues coming up posting the "how to" section as I am torn between two worlds and my inner critic is having a field day with me. This Appendix is an important part of my book and I feel that by sharing it, that a publisher will not want to publish my book because I have made part of it public knowledge and that I'll be sabotaging myself and my book.

Part of the issues I'm presently working on is manifesting my hopes, dreams and desires. BUT, not to manifest them in denial like I am and have been all my existence, but to manifest them in unconditional love. Manifesting in unconditional love is something that I haven't done yet and so it is all new and frightening to me. The old world way is to write the book, get a publisher to market it, he pays me some money for my time and effort and then I use that money to manifest other things that I desire to own or experience. In other words, I sell a part of myself to get money to be able to maybe do the things that I hope, dream and desire to do. Then I asked myself, what is my real intent and purpose of this book? Is it to make money, or to share with others what I've discovered and my dream of a New World? It's the latter. So doing it the OLD World way is to give my power to another, and to also make MONEY the source of my power. I know that MONEY isn't the source of my power or even that it has any power by itself, just what I give it, but it�s all I�ve ever known and experienced. It�s always been barter, trade, compromise, work, and an investment in MY time and MY energy to get money or some form of it. It's now time to end denial, to let go of all the attachments to money and all those OLD programs, imprints, beliefs and judgments that say that THIS is how life is. That these are the rules you have to go by and that you have to EARN money if you want to be happy and manifest your dreams and desires.

To not post the "how to" section is to be in denial and "conditional" love which is controlling and manipulative. I don't want to be there anymore, (been there done that) and so I have a choice. I'm smiling here as I hear a soft voice saying to me what I tell other people, "Release your fears, take a risk, expect the unexpected." So here goes a leap of faith. I'm going to jump off the cliff and see if these newfound wings that I think and feel I have, really can fly. Now I'm in tears as I feel such a comfort around me, supporting me, assuring me that everything will be all right, just not what I expected.

John
"Healing begins in the Heart"

B3 - Cast in Stone

(A follow up to Message Board post 103-04 Denial-Asking and Telling)

Hi everyone,

It's interesting how the universe brings us things to experience. The other day I wrote a piece # 103-04 on Denial, Asking and Telling and while I had awareness of it, the Universe still felt I needed some more experience, healing and understanding. What I'm going to be sharing is what I wrote in my Journal. I know that sharing a personal example is also a lot more effective than just talking about it as it gives the other person something to relate to that they can understand.

I had just finished cutting the back lawn when the Italian neighbor lady came out and began talking to me about the birds and how they were shitting all over the place became Jock, my ex-father-in-law whose place I'm staying at, was feeding the birds. She pointed to two droppings on the side of the light above her back door and to a couple of dropping at the base of the chain link fence that separated the two properties. She also pointed to a few droppings on the rock garden on Jocks property. She TOLD me in her broken English to "tell Mr. Wats not to feed the birds no more, so they don't come around and poop all over the place." While I acknowledged the bird droppings, I didn't agree to tell him what she said, but neither did I disagree or say I wouldn't tell Jock.

As I made my way back to the house I suddenly realized that I was in denial of what I was really feeling. I realized that I didn't want to get into a disagreement like I did with the neighbor on the west side last winter, when he shoveled the snow off his driveway and onto our walkway, but that's another story. I also realized that I had been TOLD what to do and that I was being controlled and manipulated to do someone else's dirty work. Jock has been feeding the birds for years and she never said anything to him, so why now?

I toyed with the idea of telling Jock but decided not to, and to wait and see what else developed. Sure enough, on Sunday Jock approached me and asked me where I had bought the birdseed for him the last time and if I would drive him down to pick some up as he was almost out. I never said anything about the neighbor and drove him to pick up the seed. Usually he�s buy one five-pound bag but this time he picked up two ten-pound bags. I smiled and though to myself, whatever is going to happen with Jock, the neighbor, the birds is between them and I will tell the woman so, the next time I see her.

Almost a week later, on May 9, I was still thinking of the neighbor and the bird issue as I still haven't seen her or said anything to Jock who's happy feeding his birds. Several times I've had an internal dialogue of confronting her and stating that I wasn't going to be "told" what to do by her. And that if she turned it around and said that she wasn't "telling" me, but only �asking� me, then I would say no, that I wasn't going to do that either. That she would have to talk to Jock directly and I wasn't a going to do her dirty work. I also decided that I would not defend Jocks position to feed the birds, but let him decide what he wanted to do and that I would also my story and issues as they came up.

I was also having another nagging feeling tugging at me to not wait until I see her outside, but to go over and tell her that I didn�t tell Jock like she told me to and also why I didn't. Today I realized that the nagging voice was Guilt. It also had it roots back to my childhood and my mother and that if I didn�t do or say as she told me then I had to confess my wrong doings, my sins (church beliefs) as I was bad and didn�t obey my parents.

I later realized that I still had other programs and imprints on top of the guilt. They had to do with my beliefs of honour, giving your word, changing your mind, and other beliefs, all relating to the belief that my words and actions are "cast in stone" and that I can't change them. Because I didn't say I wouldn't tell Jock and I denied myself, I therefore felt that I basically said or lead her to assume that I would. Along with the guilt I had, I was further torn by this belief of "cast in stone." Of how you can't go back on your word, even if you didn't say it and because you didn't dis-agree, you basically agreed, and if you agreed, you have to keep your word. Otherwise, you're a liar, have no morals, scruples, dignity, conscious, and all the rest that would have me HONOUR my word and keep up the appearance of "false pride".

On May 11 I had more insights on the "cast in stone" issue. I have other beliefs that even if I did something and found out later that it's not what I wanted or that I did it while on auto pilot, denial, (humm, an new phrase I just thought up for being in denial) or doing it out of guilt. I came to the realization that if it now involves another person, it's no disservice to them for me to take back what I really didn't want to give (my power) and if they are open, it's no big deal as they weren't looking to GAIN at my expense. If however, they were looking to take my power, to gain at my expense, then they will have an issue with me taking my power back, but that is their issue. Nothing is cast in stone, there are no rules except the ones you make or others make and you feel you have to live by them. As I'm writing this I can feel that it even applies to what we call "physical" laws of the Universe and even to time and space. Laws, any laws, are limitations.

All this was very subtle and I was amazed at just how it all played itself out for awareness and release. I thought I'd share this "ongoing" healing process with you to show you how one thing leads to another and how they are all interconnected by denial. And to also show you how twisted our beliefs and programs are and how we�ve been blindly living our life by them on Auto Pilot.

John
"Healing begins in the Heart"

B2 - Asking and telling

2003 June 13

Hi everyone,

I've already written a manuscript of my journey to the point of the healing experience I mentioned in "Announcements" under "about this group" and I'm presently looking to get it published. Since that experience, I have written enough material in my journals for another three books. I'm not going to enter all my previous material or the healing experiences I've had as I'm doing that in part by sharing the various material I'm posting in the different forums. What I'm going to be sharing here is my journey, in part, from this point forward. I say in part, as I'm not going to write all the details of what I'm going through or the insights I'm getting as some days I may write 20 to 30 pages and I don't have time to type all that. I will however share what I feel is appropriate with this group and to also show you that it is a work in progress, a journey, to recover all those lost parts of us. And to also show you that I am like you, still feeling lost and confused and all the rest, as I progress step by step on my journey of healing and self-empowerment.

I'm going to begin with a post I recently did in the forum, Conditional love, #103-04 Denial-Asking and Telling

My post the other day on "Denial and Prayer" included the word "asking" and that has prompted this post.

There is massive CONFUSION and DENIAL wrapped up in the word "asking" as we have lost the true meaning in our communicating with each other. We believe we are merely "asking" a question, but in reality, when challenged, it's exposed for what it really is, commanding, ordering, implying, suggesting, controlling, manipulating and unloving denial, disguised as a innocent question.

A question is a simple statement made when one is either confused and desires more information. Simple questions might be; "why is the sky blue? How do birds fly? Why is sugar sweet?" Questions, and more specifically, "asking" direct questions is honest and straight forward with no hidden agenda or denial present.

Now here are some typical "asking" questions that are NOT questions, but rather judgments, orders, commands, control and manipulation based in denial. Where are you going? Are we are out of bread? Did you feed the dog? Are the dishes washed? Is your homework done? Why are you wearing that blue dress? Why don?t you ever say you love me?? If you read between the words and the lines, you will begin to "feel" what is NOT being said and what is NOT being said is DENIAL and unloving. So while this everyday chitchat seems to be innocent on the surface, it is far more than that. It is a silent killer of the Will, the feelings and intuition of our being as we respond (in denial) to give the other person what they want.

Let's use the question, did you feed the dog? If that were a simple question without expectation, condition, control or manipulation, then a simple "no" response would be sufficient. However, in this world of denial, the person asking the question had hidden meanings, and the person being "asked" the question, denies being real and direct, but instead gets caught up in a "mind reading" game as to what the person really meant or wants. Of course, trying to read the mind of a person who is in denial and will deny anything you say is impossible. It's a "fools game" and when you play it, you are caught, and are forever going in circles.

Love, Light and Life
John Rieger/Shenreed

B1-My first post

Hi everyone,

This blog site as well as my web sites and message board are under construction and/or re-construction. I'm going to be sharing some of my past experiences and at the same time I'm also going to be sharing my present life experiences as I continue my journey into the vast unknown as I search for my true self, love, truth and the meaning of life.

I'm not going to begin this blog from the beginning of my journey but rather from about a year ago. To simplify and speed up matters, I'm going to cut and paste my journal entries from my message board to this site. Later, I'll delete those entries leaving a link to this site.

For those who what to know more, you can do so at about me or use this quick link to read a bit of where I'm coming from. I'll be transfering that site to saysame in the future, but for now there is this link. There is also a link to my manuscript my book.

The next series of posts will provide only a brief glimpse of my experieces as last year alone I wrote over 1200 pages, (long hand).

Well that's it for this post.

Cheers
John

PS: My intent with these sites and future chat and voice features is to create a place to share real life expreiences as well as interacting with those who are drawn to a similiar path.